How is she still single

[roberto516]

Outside of a 1 month recycle in April I've been broken up with her since January. I don't understand how she is still single. Her reasoning was always "I don't want to be in a relationship right now."

I know she ran from us because it wasn't a take, take, take anymore and I asked her to give. She even told me "I admit that I could have done more in the relationship but I didn't want to. I don't want to be in a relationship."

She definitely has way to many of the traits of a BPD as you can see from my posts and how I can relate to everyone else.

But this part has me confused. Is she finally gaining insight into herself? A large part of me believes that by being single she is back in complete control of her environment which is safer for her. It just seems like everyone elses ex immediately ran off to someone else.

She is also outwardly very "with it". Good job, her own place, and her parents will always bail her out of situations no matter what so she has that support to fall back on/use.

She might be lying, but I don't think so. Is there a part of it because we have been in contact for a majority of the breakup? So I am in a way still providing her with something even though usually it was just me raging.

And I know I have to let go, and stop obsessing. I'm doing EMDR therapy tomorrow which I hope is the beginning steps to work on unresolved trauma from the past and this relationship. But it has just had me confused. This part doesn't quite match up with other people and the dx in general. She is definitely a waif as well.

Anyone have any experience with this or ideas? Again, I know I need to stop this rumination. But it's something I'd really like some insight on. Thanks.

[Huh?]

I wrestle with this same issue.  I don't know the answer because I'm out 10 months since she cut me off after we broke up and like you, my ex fiancé still gives the outward appearance though social media that she is still single as well.

This is driving me crazy because part of me, most of me actually wants her to post a picture of her and her new relationship so I can have visual confirmation of her cheating/moving on so I can move on.

The thing is, she was very secretive and only had me on her profile picture or posted about me on her social media for a very short time during our relationship... .at the begining.  For the last few years, I was nowhere to be found... .which is how she was able to meet other guys through facebook, etc.

Like you suggest, my ex also values her freedom.  I was an ultimately an accessory to her life, so she never really wanted to commit to me.  In the past months since the break up... .and during our many brief "breaks" she was constantly doing the same things we did together (trips, hikes, etc) with a mysterious photographer for her social media posts... .which, used to me.  So I have to assume she's with somebody... .just like with me, not advertising him... .possibly so she can keep her options open.

My ex admitted to seeing others during our brief breaks, the same woman insisted over and over again she would never be able to date if anything would happen to me... .so If she couldn't be alone for a couple weeks... .theres no way she's alone after 10 months.

[roberto516]

Yeah with mine I don't know if other things play into it. She's older now, almost 36, and as we all know, someone with BPD has very superficial relationships. I think she has only 2 friends and one of them has kids and is married. So she's not really able to go out to meet people. And she's the waif so she isn't going to be outwardly pursuing people. She pursued me very subtly.

An honest to god part of me thinks she has committed herself to working on herself. She even admitted at one time "I'm not mentally well. I don't think I know how to love, etc." But sadly, I don't see where the work is coming from. She's just reinforcing that when things get tough she retreats from the pain and fear and takes care of her interest first. But it's not my problem. And they struggle with identity and can pick up a new identity from wherever. So there's a chance her therapist put the idea into her head of staying single and finding herself. Maybe that's the identity she is going with. Who knows... .crazy making for sure .

Thanks for the comment Huh

[once removed]

This part doesn't quite match up with other people and the dx in general. She is definitely a waif as well.

its important to remember, that the relationship, its struggles, and both parties are unique.

the stories of others can make us feel less alone in our pain, and thats a good thing, but they cant tell us much about our exes as individuals. sometimes they can lead us to over pathologize behavior and develop a view of our partner (and entire groups of people) that might soothe some pain, but is unrealistic and obscures what we are really struggling with. sometimes we invest a lot in that view, and when it doesnt pan out, we become all the more confused.

roberto, my ex has not been in a relationship for a few years now. i know someone diagnosed with BPD who has been single for longer. whereas i know people without BPD who cant seem to live without a romantic relationship.

i suspect that the intentions your ex has expressed (working on herself, not desiring to be in a relationship) are genuine. whether she follows through, who can say.

Again, I know I need to stop this rumination. But it's something I'd really like some insight on. Thanks.

asking focused questions can be very important in reaching a balanced perspective and breakdown of the relationship. if you target them at the specifics of you/your partner and your relationship struggles, seek understanding that you can really use, you pretty much cant go wrong.

[roberto516]

i suspect that the intentions your ex has expressed (working on herself, not desiring to be in a relationship) are genuine. whether she follows through, who can say.

I do believe she is genuine in this as well. I just can't imagine though how it will work for her. What she feared most was abandonment and being out of control. By running from this when the relationship required it I just feel that she is reinforcing in her mind "When things get difficult I need to get away from the cause." And "If I don't feel that I'm in control of a situation I have to get it back immediately and at whatever cost." I truly believe deep down that's what happened. I wasn't going to budge on her needing to offer me support for once and she left. She wasn't in control of me. During the recycle she changed her mind about spending time together and I told her we should stick with that plan. Again, she probably sensed she wasn't in control of me because I didn't come when called.

We took a trip to New York one day and on the train ride back she spoke about how as a kid she'd always start these hobbies and her parents would let her do it. Then she'd always quit and they would let her. I still remember her words. "I wish they would have pushed me to follow through with things instead of just letting me quit." In hindsight, it's just a recreation of that (to me). She tried this relationship. It got hard, she lost motivation, so she quit. I feel like she is just reinforcing in herself that it's easier to get away than it is to work and persevere.

On the flip side, if she works on herself she might see that she doesn't need something else to fill her internal void. And maybe that's a fear she is working through now instead of clinging to someone else. Although again, I feel that she is doing just that with hobbies, new job, etc. She's always running to find the next thing to fill her emotional void. Always running from the boredom and emotions. It's just not a man anymore. It's external things.

I know this so well because it's what I did. After my first BPD ex I spent 2 years single. I loved it. I had some minor flings with girls but never wanted a relationship. I had one brief relationship but I called it off after a month or so. I know what I was doing. I was running from the fear of being hurt again. I didn't want anyone to get close. So although I felt like I was growing in certain aspects, the relationship aspect was just lying dormant waiting to all come back up. But when they did come back up in this relationship I was ready to work through it. So I guess I did get some work done because I was aware of a lot of triggers and how to not be possessive, controlling and how to be more supportive for a relationship. I just picked the wrong partner.

Maybe she'll get all this from being single and working on herself. But again, a personality disorder is a hard nut to crack in terms of behavior changes. If she doesn't face the fears and, more importantly, the abusive aspects of her role in a relationship I don't see how she will grow in my opinion. For all I know, she could meet someone next week and be in a relationship within the month too . But it's not my problem anymore. I am working on me. I have learned a lot so far. And I guess I just have to keep on moving forward.

[once removed]

She tried this relationship. It got hard, she lost motivation, so she quit. I feel like she is just reinforcing in herself that it's easier to get away than it is to work and persevere.

i think this might be over simplifying things. ive seen the articles youve posted recently, and it seems to me people fall in and out of love for all sorts of different reasons, incompatibility being a major one. putting in work is not necessarily a solution when thats the case, and sadly, sometimes two people can love each other very much and not necessarily be a good or healthy fit.

it was something of a debilitating fear of mine for a while, the very idea that my ex broke up with me for any other valid reason than "something something BPD". i was missing the bigger picture, primarily because it hurt.

And maybe that's a fear she is working through now instead of clinging to someone else. Although again, I feel that she is doing just that with hobbies, new job, etc. She's always running to find the next thing to fill her emotional void.

i think most of us do this to varying extents. is it possible shes just kind of fickle in her interests and hobbies?

I know this so well because it's what I did. After my first BPD ex I spent 2 years single.

i spent some years single myself before i met my ex, also out of that fear of being hurt again. it took me a while to see that its not about time, but what you do with it. it took me even longer to see that my fear of rejection (and romantic adversity in general) were a driving force in the kinds of partners i was choosing, and how i was coping. how about you?

[roberto516]

putting in work is not necessarily a solution when thats the case, and sadly, sometimes two people can love each other very much and not necessarily be a good or healthy fit.

it was something of a debilitating fear of mine for a while, the very idea that my ex broke up with me for any other valid reason than "something something BPD". i was missing the bigger picture, primarily because it hurt.

i think most of us do this to varying extents. is it possible shes just kind of fickle in her interests and hobbies?

i spent some years single myself before i met my ex, also out of that fear of being hurt again. it took me a while to see that its not about time, but what you do with it. it took me even longer to see that my fear of rejection (and romantic adversity in general) were a driving force in the kinds of partners i was choosing, and how i was coping. how about you?

A part of me really does struggle to accept that if two people fell in love with one another that figuring out healthy conflict resolution and communication cannot improve all relationships. But both partners have to try. It's not a theory that can be proven but I am honestly a firm believer that any relationship with some time behind it ends because one or both partners just give up. A lot of people feel they grew apart from their partner, one or both of them "changed", or the fighting got more frequent. I don't think what many people do is think those things AND THEN communicate it to their partner. A lot of times those things have such simple solutions or are figured out when they are communicated instead of holding them in our heads and seeing it as fact.

An even bigger part of me finds it hard to believe that her decision was anything but fear based. It is too much of a link that the time she finally has the determination to call it off is when she really began to fear that I was not going to come back with the apology, and promising to do better so that all responsibility would be taken off of her. She probably felt the abandonment, out of control of her situation, and that was it. It is what I figured out happened when her relationship with the ex ended before me. She said he made a list of things she had to work on if he were to continue in the relationship. Now who knows what is on that list. But I think she probably felt there too that he wasn't someone who was going to be controlled anymore by her so she got out of that one.

She has one really big hobby/interest in yoga which has kinda become her "identity". She has all the spiritual stuff throughout her condo, and last I knew her facebook profile picture was some quote about yoga being love, life, etc. Outside of that she honestly doesn't have any real hobbies. I know after the relationship ended and before the first recycle she started going 7 days a week, singing up for all these trainings on weekends. And I knew what was going to happen, and it did, when she felt overwhelmed with anxiety and sadness and it was too severe that yoga couldn't take it away it is when she reached out to me for the recycle.

And yes to the third point. I feared being rejected again. No one else I was semi dating in that single period ever showed me such intense passion and interest so early on. I know that I thought "Hell! This person really is into me and is never going to leave me. She says she loves me, I'm spending all my time at her place within the first month, and she is talking about moving in together. She leaves these nice little cards in my work bag, tells me how great I look physically. HOLY CRAP! She is talking to me at the start of the relationship about how we have to talk about our problems and really communicate them! This is awesome! She knows what it means to be in a relationship! How could she not love me forever!" It's funny that I put the blinders on to the fact that she was literally still in the debate of leaving her ex or getting back together with him when she sought me out as the new guy.

I don't know. I hate having to accept that we weren't compatible maybe. I truly believe that if she didn't give up on couples counseling (or if I was more forceful of us continuing to go) that it could have worked out. We just needed to learn healthy communication. But again, she said she didn't want to go anymore because it was "too much work." So she quit. It's tough to accept when I know we did have all the tools to make it work. We were very compatible together when it was good. We got each others personalities. I guess what it boils down to is that I was ready, and she wasn't. I mean where she is, in my opinion, is where I was with the mini relationships during my single time. I wasn't ready. I hadn't confronted the fear or rejection, and probably didn't know that the more boring, slow relationship is what is actually normal. Sorry for ranting. Just a lot on my mind today.      

[Helplessly]

I guess I'm recycling my relationship with this forum after a discard haha.

Yeah Roberto I feel like I missed out on the best my ex had to offer.  She started stabilizing, gaining weight, getting hotter (if I could believe that's possible), less intense. This was some time after going to a neurologist for MS symptoms.  He promptly sent her to a neuropsychiatrist who put her on a cocktail of 5 pcych meds.  After 3 weeks I saw a woman I didn't know.  She never told me what she was diagnosed with other than anxiety but come on... . 

It helps me to say "cocktail of 5 psych meds" when I feel like killing myself in grief and jealousy.  I mean what the heck... .   Is that what I want to deal with my whole life?     

[roberto516]

I guess I'm recycling my relationship with this forum after a discard haha.

Yeah Roberto I feel like I missed out on the best my ex had to offer.  She started stabilizing, gaining weight, getting hotter (if I could believe that's possible), less intense. This was some time after going to a neurologist for MS symptoms.  He promptly sent her to a neuropsychiatrist who put her on a cocktail of 5 pcych meds.  After 3 weeks I saw a woman I didn't know.  She never told me what she was diagnosed with other than anxiety but come on... . 

It helps me to say "cocktail of 5 psych meds" when I feel like killing myself in grief and jealousy.  I mean what the heck... .   Is that what I want to deal with my whole life?     

I get it though helplessly. Just remember that what people present is not how they really feel. Like me, I'm doing my best to be friendly at work but I have no desire to do that. I'm so miserable . When my ex turned me away she was putting on facebook how great life is, etc etc. and she is probably doing it again now. When I allowed myself to be recycled I went over to her place to keep her company and as we laid in bed she showed me her cable was unplugged in the bedroom. She told me it became her "den of depression." Not saying that we wish they feel the same pain we do but rest assured that one one presents on the outside is not always the same as what they feel. She might be happy now with a new job and goals. But that baseline is not sustainable for anyone.

And also remember, these traits are difficult to process and feel. My ex was on antidepressants for over a decade and would always go see her doctor to try and figure out the right cocktail. She wanted the immediate solution. That's just not gonna be fixed. Chin up my friend.

[hopealways]

Outside of a 1 month recycle in April I've been broken up with her since January. I don't understand how she is still single. Her reasoning was always "I don't want to be in a relationship right now."

I know she ran from us because it wasn't a take, take, take anymore and I asked her to give. She even told me "I admit that I could have done more in the relationship but I didn't want to. I don't want to be in a relationship."

She definitely has way to many of the traits of a BPD as you can see from my posts and how I can relate to everyone else.

But this part has me confused. Is she finally gaining insight into herself? A large part of me believes that by being single she is back in complete control of her environment which is safer for her. It just seems like everyone elses ex immediately ran off to someone else.

She is also outwardly very "with it". Good job, her own place, and her parents will always bail her out of situations no matter what so she has that support to fall back on/use.

She might be lying, but I don't think so. Is there a part of it because we have been in contact for a majority of the breakup? So I am in a way still providing her with something even though usually it was just me raging.

And I know I have to let go, and stop obsessing. I'm doing EMDR therapy tomorrow which I hope is the beginning steps to work on unresolved trauma from the past and this relationship. But it has just had me confused. This part doesn't quite match up with other people and the dx in general. She is definitely a waif as well.

Anyone have any experience with this or ideas? Again, I know I need to stop this rumination. But it's something I'd really like some insight on. Thanks.

OH this could very well be true: she's lying. Mine had me and all her friends convinced she's single during our many breakups but she was creeping on the DL with tons of guys. They CANNOT be alone by definition yet they pretend they are just in case they want to slither their way back into your life. They are masters of manipulation.