How old until child will be affect by borderline/narc abuse

[Newyoungfather]

Hello,
I have a 15 month old son and was wondering how until until he is affected by his mother who has BPD.  The mother's grandmother is a full blown narcissist as well and I'm fighting tooth and nail in court to get more time with my son.  When will my son pick up on the BPD and abuse.

[takingandsending]

Hi NYF.

I read through your posts for background. It sounds as if your S's mom has pretty volatile episodes when she dysregulates. The bigger the earthquakes, the sooner and more he will feel them. It can feel pretty desperate as a dad to watch helplessly as your partner or spouse engages in destructive parenting with your child. I have a S11 who was painted black by BPDm when he was 2 days old.

I will share what my T has told me re. children growing up with impaired/damaged attachment to a parent. My T advised that as long as the children have a healthy attachment to one parent, they can develop the emotional skills necessary to be healthy adults. I had to repeat this to myself many times as I witnessed and interceded in many rages by xBPDw toward S11. I tried to stay in my marriage on this basis, but the T clarified the research, noting that staying in the abusive relationship actually jeopardizes the healthy attachment for the children, i.e. they learn the wrong modeling.

As far as when your S will pick up on abuse, if he is ever the object of her rage, it will be pretty quickly. But he may do as my oldest son has done and internalize it. My recommendation is that you find a child T who is experienced in the dynamic of BPD parent, specialized in play therapy which is all that is appropriate for younger kids, and open that channel of neutral, unconditional support for your son. At a minimum, you can talk to that child T for advice in how to offset the destructive behaviors of your S's mom.

It is really unfair for children to be put in these messes. They are resilient, and with our love, validation of their experience and feelings, and consistent, unwavering presence, they can get through and even thrive. Hang in there. I feel for what you must be going through.

[Harri]

A child will be affected from infancy.  Infants can sense tension, depression, anger, rage, etc.  It does affect their ability to attach, to trust, to be able to self sooth etc.  Read about emotional development in children (both normal and impaired).  Read and learn about normal and impaired attachments.  Learn it, understand it.  Takingandsending makes a great recommendation to find a child T... .sooner rather than later given her volatility.  Also he is spot on that pacifying the pwBPD and or the child is not helpful and in fact is harmful.

Just being in a house with tension, fighting raging depression will affect the kids at any age.  As Takingandsending said, having one parent who can validate and have provide a secure attachment with the child will help.

Unfortunately too many people assume that if the rage is not directed towards the infant/child that they will not be affected.  Too many people think they can shield their child from the rage, abuse, emotional dysregulation.  Too many people believe that  the kids will figure things out on their own.  Well, they are affected by the emotions whether they are directed at them or not.  You can not shield the child from a toxic environment.  Kids will need to learn appropriate expression of emotions, be validated and heard and allowed to develop their own personality separate from the pwBPD.

I am thrilled that you express concern about this and are seeking information.  Keep it up.  Raising a kid with a disordered parent is a daunting task but it can be done.  Lots of people say kids are resilient, and they are, as long as they have a supporting and validating parent/person and have validation and are allowed to express their emotions without guilt anger or emotional blackmail being directed at them.

Best of luck to you and yours.

[Newyoungfather]

Thanks Everyone for replying.  I currently has a 40/60 split and he was around 1 year old when I got it.  I live about 1.5 hours away from the mother but I am planning to move closer as opposing counsel used my distance as a reason not to get primary let alone 50/50.  My goal is to get at least 50/50, I work 12 hour shifts so I'm planning on my days off to have my son as I don't believe in daycare.  Buying a house near his mother to maintain as a safe zone for him is my plan, somewhere he can go and feel safe.

[ForeverDad]

Just being in a house with tension, fighting raging depression will affect the kids at any age.  As Takingandsending said, having one parent who can validate and have provide a secure attachment with the child will help.

Unfortunately too many people assume that if the rage is not directed towards the infant/child that they will not be affected.  Too many people think they can shield their child from the rage, abuse, emotional dysregulation.  Too many people believe that  the kids will figure things out on their own.  Well, they are affected by the emotions whether they are directed at them or not.  You can not shield the child from a toxic environment.  Kids will need to learn appropriate expression of emotions, be validated and heard and allowed to develop their own personality separate from the pwBPD.

Yes, parenting has an uphill struggle when the other parent is making home life toxic, rageful and oppositional.  Staying in the marriage or relationship with such an acting-out parent will probably turn the other parent into an appeaser and Whipping Boy, attempts at setting firm boundaries will be sabotaged.

From Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce :
As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."

Sadly, if the discord, strife, raging, opposition, sabotage and obstruction are that bad and your efforts haven't met with success or it is getting worse, then the only option is to establish you own home elsewhere where you can set a good parenting example, where you can provide a calm and stable home for at least part of the children's lives.

As for your question about when the children are impacted, I'll agree with Harri, the impact starts early.  My son was somewhere between two and three years old when I spoke with the pediatrician, asking about autism.  It was next to impossible for him to look me in the eyes.  I recall that his first sentence, two words, was when he was 22 months old.  "Mommy bad."  She had just raged at me/us at the breakfast table and rushed sobbing to our bedroom and slammed the door.  I interpreted it as 'Mommy feels bad."  But still, what should have been a landmark joy was just plain sadness at our family's plight.  He didn't read fluently (beyond sounding out one word at a time) until the middle of 3rd grade.

[Turkish]

Do not underestimate your influence,  which is more healthy seperated then together. That may be sad, but it's true.  I still morn my broken family, but when the kids are with me,  it's just the three of us in our own solar system or orbits.

Two weeks ago,  S7 told me that he didn't want to marry someone like Mommy. This was because she punched her H in front of the kids last summer.  Leave it to a 7 year old to have a better developed sense of morality than a 35 year old.  I validated him,  without alienating. He seemed satisfied by my response. 

No matter what's going on in the other home,  believe in yourself that your home,  and you, are safe for your child.  It makes all the difference. 

[kentavr3]

replying the beginning of the post. First of all educate yourself hard. read books. This websait has a list. Read it! yes, your son is in danger. The risk of getting BPD/NPD behavioral is very high. I would say he will be partly BPD/NPD. Accept it. Look at the reality. Everything that you can do is to be a good father for him. Be in his life. Starting from age of 10 or 11 you can educate him about Mom's problem.

[Thunderstruck]

BPDparents have difficulty with attachment bonding in infancy which leads to a lot of problems for the kids down the road. I can tell you that my SD started showing outward/physical signs of stress when she was 2. When BPDmom was around my SD would be agitated and bang her head against the wall. When my DH was with her she was calm and happy. BPDmom and DH took my SD to the children's hospital, they ran a bunch of tests which all came back negative. When the staff started thinking it was psychological and hinted it may be due to BPDmom, she immediately packed up and left the hospital.

SD was very emotionally sensitive for many years and would have complete meltdowns. No surprise that she had difficulty regulating her emotions... .she never learned how from her emotionally dysregulated mom. Now that SD is older (and we've spent several years working with her on her emotions) she seems to be much more calm. Her sister (from another mister), however, seems to be displaying the same BPD behaviors as their mom. It shows you how even us having that 50/50 time with SD has been a positive influence on her.

[Panshekay]

I started to see outward signs of distress in our SGD when she was 3, our GS around the age of 2.  I started seeing them displaying some of the same behaviors at 2 and 3 as well.  I didn't realize how much it affected them and didn't really start to see some of the same patterns  (our S and UBPDW separated almost 4 years ago) until 2 years ago.  What I see the most is a lack of coping skills, they have none. Everything seems to be a huge ordeal, whether "it's time for dinner" to "let's go to the store" It's very sad and disheartening, hopefully the counseling they are getting will help.