Back again

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello again

Having trouble with my potential BPD friend once more and this time I'm blocked everywhere again. If you want a little history you can read my previous thread here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301651.0

This time around we'd been disagreeing a bit. Nothing major, no yelling or angry words, nothing that couldn't be resolved by talking, but that wasn't allowed to happen.

To keep it as short as possible I did something she didn't like (despite each of us doing the same thing multiple times previously), she said it made her feel like distancing herself, I apologised, said I'd remember and thought it had been put to bed. But then a few days later she started ignoring messages or just giving a one word reply if it was something that ignoring would make you look bad (like me getting a promotion). I just left it after a couple of attempts at communication.

Fortnight later at work I have to return some equipment and she's the person to return it to. I message her asking if it's going to be a problem, she acts like there's been no issue at all, and like she's completely unaware that we have hardly spoken for several weeks. We arrange for her to pick up the equipment the next day. Partly being confused, and partly hurt, by the way she's being I ask if it's ok for me to talk to her when she does or if we pretend like we don't know each other, she says she doesn't understand saying she would never be rude to anyone. I reply with something like "The distance/silent treatment thing. I don't want to put you on the spot". Because it was beginning to feel like silent treatment. She replied that she isn't trying to hurt me, sorry if I see it differently and it's just how she is. Then she finished for the day and went offline.

I messaged her a few hours later explaining that I wasn't trying to say you're 100% giving me the silent treatment, but that it felt like I was being punished because there had been no talk of distancing actually happening. All I got back was "You don't understand me". I could feel myself getting angry so said I think it's best if we leave it for a bit and try talking another day. Messaged a few days later, read, no reply.

Fast forward another couple of weeks, she starts her new job. I message her on the first day wishing her luck etc, just get "thanks" as a reply.

Next day a different friend is travelling by train through the part of the city she lives in. The train is delayed because a woman is on a rail bridge, looking like she's going to jump. I know she's threatened suicide before so I get this really horrible feeling in my stomach, I message her saying I know it's 99.9999999999% not you, but I just want to make sure you're ok. She replies that I don't understand her, she's insulted, I ruined her morning, she doesn't need this, and to leave her be. I agree thing's aren't going well, suggest we leave each other alone for the rest of the month, then attempt to reconnect. She agrees.

Next few weeks go well. I'm getting used to my new role, spending time with family and friends, pursuing my interests etc. But then there's a terrorist attack in Manchester. She has family in that area. Thinking that a major event like that would transcend our disagreement I send a quick message saying that I hoped her family hadn't been affected by it. Blocked within minutes of sending it.

That was nearly a month ago now, and I've done precisely nothing since then. No reaching out, no communication attempts, nothing.
And before anyone points it out, yeah I know I JADEd the hell out of the situation. I got complacent and took things personally.

Now you may be wondering why I'm posting this here? Well, I know I could likely fix this by reaching out and not mentioning anything that's happened*. But I'm not sure I want to, I'm stuck between "what's the point of being friends with someone I've been unable to wish happy birthday to for 2 years running?", and "she didn't ask for this, doesn't she deserve support?". It's just a friendship so taking a step back when required isn't hard.

The thing is, earlier in the year she said to me that she knows she hurts people and that she'll end up alone if she carries on behaving this way. It's that degree of self awareness that is keeping me from just walking away.

*I read somewhere that BPD defences are a lot like a child's. That lead me to thinking about how kids fall out with each other all the time and are then best friends again without any talk about why they fell out in the first place. I see my son and his friends do it all the time. And there are similarities with my friend, every time there's been a rupture in our relationship it's been fixed by me reaching out without mentioning what caused the rupture. Obviously this is a massive over simplification of a much more complex issue but I thought it might be worth sharing.

[CMJ]

Hello again

Having trouble with my potential BPD friend once more and this time I'm blocked everywhere again. If you want a little history you can read my previous thread here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301651.0

This time around we'd been disagreeing a bit. Nothing major, no yelling or angry words, nothing that couldn't be resolved by talking, but that wasn't allowed to happen.

To keep it as short as possible I did something she didn't like (despite each of us doing the same thing multiple times previously), she said it made her feel like distancing herself, I apologised, said I'd remember and thought it had been put to bed. But then a few days later she started ignoring messages or just giving a one word reply if it was something that ignoring would make you look bad (like me getting a promotion). I just left it after a couple of attempts at communication.

Fortnight later at work I have to return some equipment and she's the person to return it to. I message her asking if it's going to be a problem, she acts like there's been no issue at all, and like she's completely unaware that we have hardly spoken for several weeks. We arrange for her to pick up the equipment the next day. Partly being confused, and partly hurt, by the way she's being I ask if it's ok for me to talk to her when she does or if we pretend like we don't know each other, she says she doesn't understand saying she would never be rude to anyone. I reply with something like "The distance/silent treatment thing. I don't want to put you on the spot". Because it was beginning to feel like silent treatment. She replied that she isn't trying to hurt me, sorry if I see it differently and it's just how she is. Then she finished for the day and went offline.

I messaged her a few hours later explaining that I wasn't trying to say you're 100% giving me the silent treatment, but that it felt like I was being punished because there had been no talk of distancing actually happening. All I got back was "You don't understand me". I could feel myself getting angry so said I think it's best if we leave it for a bit and try talking another day. Messaged a few days later, read, no reply.

Fast forward another couple of weeks, she starts her new job. I message her on the first day wishing her luck etc, just get "thanks" as a reply.

Next day a different friend is travelling by train through the part of the city she lives in. The train is delayed because a woman is on a rail bridge, looking like she's going to jump. I know she's threatened suicide before so I get this really horrible feeling in my stomach, I message her saying I know it's 99.9999999999% not you, but I just want to make sure you're ok. She replies that I don't understand her, she's insulted, I ruined her morning, she doesn't need this, and to leave her be. I agree thing's aren't going well, suggest we leave each other alone for the rest of the month, then attempt to reconnect. She agrees.

Next few weeks go well. I'm getting used to my new role, spending time with family and friends, pursuing my interests etc. But then there's a terrorist attack in Manchester. She has family in that area. Thinking that a major event like that would transcend our disagreement I send a quick message saying that I hoped her family hadn't been affected by it. Blocked within minutes of sending it.

That was nearly a month ago now, and I've done precisely nothing since then. No reaching out, no communication attempts, nothing.
And before anyone points it out, yeah I know I JADEd the hell out of the situation. I got complacent and took things personally.

Now you may be wondering why I'm posting this here? Well, I know I could likely fix this by reaching out and not mentioning anything that's happened*. But I'm not sure I want to, I'm stuck between "what's the point of being friends with someone I've been unable to wish happy birthday to for 2 years running?", and "she didn't ask for this, doesn't she deserve support?". It's just a friendship so taking a step back when required isn't hard.

The thing is, earlier in the year she said to me that she knows she hurts people and that she'll end up alone if she carries on behaving this way. It's that degree of self awareness that is keeping me from just walking away.

*I read somewhere that BPD defences are a lot like a child's. That lead me to thinking about how kids fall out with each other all the time and are then best friends again without any talk about why they fell out in the first place. I see my son and his friends do it all the time. And there are similarities with my friend, every time there's been a rupture in our relationship it's been fixed by me reaching out without mentioning what caused the rupture. Obviously this is a massive over simplification of a much more complex issue but I thought it might be worth sharing.

[CMJ]

Perhaps I should elaborate a bit.

I sometimes feel like I'm being tested by her, like I'm being made to jump through hoops to prove something, and Wow the hypocrisy!

When I had the ability to message her if I didn't reply quickly enough I'd get a further message asking if she's done something wrong. Perfectly fine for her to reply to a message up to 16 hours after actually reading it though. Or sometimes even not at all.

First time she blocked me she added me back about 6 weeks later, and blocked me again after a few days. She threatened to report me if I kept trying to contact her (I had depression at the time and I was being a nuisance). I said I would no longer talk to her if she was going to resort to threats. She got defensive saying she wasn't threatening me. Why defend your position if you really want a person gone? Why would my opinion matter to her? It's like my son having to have the last word when I'm telling him off for something.

She unfriended me back in September for around 6 weeks. During that time I got around 5 or 6 friend requests from people I've never met and had no mutual friends with. I rejected them all. Now I have no idea if they were anything to do with her, and I'm not suggesting they were, but I've had none since, and none for a long time beforehand either. When we eventually reconnected she immediately went on my Instagram and asked if certain posts where about her. She actually blocked me on there briefly between asking and me saying they weren't.

I sometimes wonder if the drama is created to see how I'll react. But I think I'm getting better at handling it; first time I pleaded and raged trying to get closure or an explanation, second time I sent a couple of hope you're ok messages, and this time round I've done nothing at all. This time round my reaction has been oh we're doing this again are we? Ok off you go.

I know I could likely fix it all by reaching out with something non drama related as that's how previous drama's have been resolved. Kinda like asking your kid if they want some ice cream when they're upset with you and sulking in their room. But I'm still not sure if I want to, I mean her actions don't hurt me anymore, I don't take them personally (after enough time has passed at least), and when the friendship is working it's a good one, but I just don't know if it's worth the effort. I know boundaries are important in making a friendship like this work but I have no idea where to apply them as she doesn't really do the raging or verbal abuse.