Enforcing Limits without reinforcing BPD

[Want2Learn0817]

Hello Guys,

First time poster here.  I'm a husband to a wonderful woman for 26 years, and a dad to 3 beautiful children, ages 21,19, and 18 - 2 girls and 1 boy(right in the middle). 

Our youngest daughter has been diagnosed as a high functioning BPD within the last 2 months.  Looking back it is hard to believe that we didnt catch all the signs, but everything seems to have come to a head in the last 2 years as she got kicked out of college for bad, impulsive behavior.  My wife and I have read Kreger's book and it has indeed opened our eyes, but we are still trying to figure out how to enforce limits without being counterproductive.  Whether smoking, or other impulsive things that she will do, we want her to be here with us, but sometimes it seems like consequences are hard enough to come up with let alone enforce.

For example, last night, she comes hope from work, we give her the breath smell test (for smoking which is not allowed in our house) and she seemed fine, and we went to bed.  Then my wife gets up at midnight to use the bathroom, and notices that her light is on, and when she opens the door, our daughter has her phone and instantly hides it.  We have our internet turned off every night at 11, and we have a rule that no phones are to be in room after 11.  The behavior with the phone is 99% bad, whether using it to hook up with people for buying weed, quick promiscuous relationships, or watching porn.  My wife reached for the phone, and my daughter held it away, and then was upset that my wife got it from her(not by fighting, but grabbing it from her).  My wife came back to the room, only to be followed minutes later by our daughter saying, I want my phone, and I'm going to sleep elsewhere tonight.    We tried to get her to remind her of her life goals, and that we are here to help her be everything she can be.  She REALLY wanted her phone back, but we did not let her have it.  We still have it this morning in fact.
We have learned alot from the book I mentioned earlier, and did not take this personally, or get upset.
In her occasional moments of clarity, she will say things like "she wants to respect herself again" and "i just want to get into a normal, healthy, routine".  We try to remind her of those times.  Last night, I told her that part of respecting herself again, involves saying "no" to herself as it relates to impulsive behavior.  She is a strong young woman, and we have told her that the steps to her recovery start with her being able to choose to make the right decisions, even one, in spite of herself.

My wife and I are going to be looking for a counselor or therapist to learn more, but our daughter, isnt keen on therapy.

Parents out there - how have you set limits and boundaries?  Do you compromise some of them that you would never compromise for your other kids?  Have you ever gotten to the point where you asked your child to leave because they don't honor any limits?  What have you been willing to "put up with/allow" even if it violates your conscience, all in the name of helping your kid?

Thx for listening.
I should mention that she is on abilify and escitalopram.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there wanttolearn

Welcome to the forum.

I encourage you to take a look at the Start Here at the top right hand of this page. The more you read then the better you are able to understand about the challenges and limitations that your daughter has. It's great that you've started reading and learning already.

Parents out there - how have you set limits and boundaries?  Do you compromise some of them that you would never compromise for your other kids?  Have you ever gotten to the point where you asked your child to leave because they don't honor any limits?  What have you been willing to "put up with/allow" even if it violates your conscience, all in the name of helping your kid?

Personally speaking, as my DS internalises and doesn't rage we only had one boundary. That was "no drugs" in the house. Boundaries are 6 feet thick solid concrete and always come with a consequence. A boundary is Your boundary and refers to your own values, morals and how you live your life. They need to be carefully thought about.

Limits are the day to day stuff. These are flexible and can be negotiated.

My DS left home twice because of his drug use. I have allowed my adult DS to return home at 24 following dx and crisis and not, for the very first time, put his drug use as my priority. I chose instead to accept that I couldn't change him, only myself and how I behave. I got myself a very simple plan and my number 1 priority was to improve my core relationship. I hoped that on this foundation we could build upwards and it's proved to be the right decision for us. 18 months on he's now reducing his intake and starts therapy next week. It started with our home environment, I became loving and supportive rather than judgmental and critical. I demonstrate behaviours that I want to see in him and he responds positively back.

Do your other children live at home?

It's baby steps. Dx is a shock to everybody and it takes time to process. Gently forwards my friend

LP

[Gorges]

Hi and welcome,
My daughter is 19 and has really struggled.  Her behavior is mostly very disrespectful within the home.  She did smoke weed, she did sneak out at night.  She did graduate from high school and start college.  The verbal abuse of us and the smell of weed on her clothes and us finding it in our house is what eventually told us she couldn't live with us.  Our limits were related to turning off the wifi and searching her room/stuff when she was not around and tossing/flushing anything we found.  We also turned off her phone if she was verbally abusive.  After she turned 18, I asked her to leave our house if she was abusive.  She left once to stay with grandparents and another time to stay with friends.  We avoided any direct confrontation such a grabbing a phone or asking to search her stuff in front of her because we knew that would escalate the situation.  She lived in a dorm when she was in college and had several conflicts with people in the dorm.  She took a leave her second semester and we told her she had to live on her own.  She found an apartment and works at a minimum wage job.  She quit the job and was unemployed for a month and did some unethical (not illegal) things to get money.  She stopped doing this and is back to working a minimum wage job and sees a therapist. She realizes she has a problem.  She says that she has stopped using weed and has dropped her social media accounts-both issues that made her life worse.   She has cut off communication with me while she works on her issues with her therapist.  I am giving her the space she needs.  This is difficult.  You need to do what is best for you and your child.  I am sad that I was not able to completely accept my daughter's behavior and have her live with us.  But, the good news is that the rest of us are living in peace and thriving.  She is being held accountable now for her own actions without us doing a thing.   She is so strong willed that I think this is the only way for her to learn and I have accepted that she might never learn, or learn quick enough!