Enabling vs. Supporting Adult Child with BPD

[DeWitt Mom]

Hello, I am brand new to the group but am already so glad to have "found" you. I wanted to share just a little background before asking my question with regard to supporting vs. enabling.

Our daughter will be 21 next month. (Anna - not her real name) has been in therapy for depression and anxiety off and on since she was 13. About 6 months ago she underwent psychological testing for bi-polar disorder. She has frequent extreme mood swings, bouts of extreme rage, reports frequent suicidal ideation and often makes suicidal threats. Anna sees things in black and white - good or bad. She truly believes she is bad (or in her words, "worthless." She expresses self-loathing, long-term feelings of emptiness, feelings of being completely overwhelmed to perform even the most "basic" tasks (cleaning her room, cutting the grass, looking for a job, etc.)  The psychological testing results indicated that she suffers from extreme anxiety, depression and BPD. It was not conclusive for Bi-Polar.

Anna lives at home. She does not have - nor has she been able to maintain - a job. She is a binge eater and has become very overweight which contributes to her very poor self-image

Anna has had a handful of different jobs but has quit each one after a few weeks/months due to anxiety.  She had dreams of going to into cosmetology and becoming an esthetician. She began cosmetology school and was excelling during the first couple of weeks while she was just in a "classroom setting." Once she knew she would have to begin to start practicing with real people, she was convinced she would fail and dropped out.

Anna smokes marijuana when she can and says it is the only thing that helps her "cope." In the past she has been prescribed Zoloft, Xanax, Prozac, and most recently Cymbalta for anxiety and depression.Zoloft and Prozac didn't seem to work for her. She doesn't want to become "dependent" on the Xanax and says it only works for a short time. The Cymbalta caused so many side effects to include extreme lethargy. About 10 weeks ago, she went off of Cymbalta (without our knowlege - we were out of town) cold turkey. She went through a living hell getting off of it for about 10 days. Since then, her moods appeared to stabilize for a few weeks but in the past month, her moods swings are now completely "out of control."  She expresses extreme bouts of rage frequently - mostly blaming me for anything and everything that is wrong in her life.

She wants so badly, in her words, "to feel normal" and to be "independent" and to get a job or go to school but struggles with the most basic tasks because she "feels overwhelmed."

I blame myself for a great deal of her inability to "cope" with real life. Since she was born, I have been a "rescuer." I have not wanted her to feel uncomfortable, to hurt, to be disappointed, to be afraid or to suffer.  I realize that instead of "helping her," I have done the exact opposite and have made it almost impossible for her to cope with life on life's terms. She has no idea how to survive the real world. She even struggled to finish high school because of such severe anxiety and we allowed her to complete her senior year by taking online classes instead of having to stay in a classroom setting where she was experiencing panic attacks. At every turn, I have tried to rescue her from those awful feelings.

I honestly don't know how to help her now - or if I even should help her. I struggle so much because I know how afraid she is of being abandoned and left alone. So when she needs help (money, gas, things, etc.) we give them to her. We have insisted she get a job but even when she gets one, she panics after a few days/weeks and quits. She will spend days in her room and in bed because she is so depressed. It breaks my heart.

So... .the bottom line is, I don't know how to help her without enabling her. Where does support end and enabling begin and vice versa? 

If you are still reading this very long post, THANK YOU! Thank for still hanging in there with me. I am feeling desperate these days and I recognize it no doubt comes through loud and clear.

I appreciate having the opportunity to share my concerns and fears in a "safe environment." My extended family means well but they simply tell me that I "... .have created a monster." That I need to stop "enabling her;" that Anna is "using her mental illness as an excuse to manipulate me," and that I am allowing it.  Perhaps all of that is true. I honestly don't know if she is manipulating me or not. Should I be cutting her some "slack" because she does have BPD or does that simply exacerbate the BPD?

Thanks, in advance, for any feedback.
De Witt Mom

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there dewittdemom

Welcome to the forum. You've come to the right place. There's information aplenty, lots of other parents on here with advice and guidance, sharing our stories and importantly reading others helps us greatly.

I've read your post and my heart goes out to you. I can see your a loving and caring parent who only wants to do their best. Your asking a very important question about the very thin line between enabling and supporting.

Unfortunately there's not a clear line, particularly with BPD and mental health issues. Flexibility is needed as there are days when my DS just can't function too well.

I encourage you to read as much about BPD as you can - take a look at the Start Here on the top right hand page, this will help you better understand the challenges and limitations your daughter has. The skills you can learn here can help you communicate more effectively, learn the power of validating her feelings and your confidence will grow making you more assertive but loving.

I try and keep to the rule "everything that they should do themselves, they should do themselves".  I hindered my DS's growth by doing things for him; this was silently telling him I didn't think he could do it himself. I got myself a toolkit to more effectively interact with him and then I got myself a plan.

My DS resisted and was reluctant to take responsibility for himself. I work on this and have seen good progress over the last 18 months. Gently forwards. Baby steps.

She wants so badly, in  her words, "to feel normal" and to be "independent" and to get a job or go to school but struggles with the most basic tasks because she "feels overwhelmed."

I tell my DS that when we feel uncomfortable we are growing

Is your daughter in therapy? Does she have a friend?

We all deserve happiness. We all deserve a life. Welcome.

LP

[MomMae]

Hello DeWitt Mom and welcome!

I just wanted to offer my empathy and support.  You have come to the right place to find understanding!

It is very obvious that you are a very loving mother who has done and continues to do your best... .and that best includes coming to this forum to not only find some tools to help you in dealing with your daughter, but also to help take care of yourself.  I know for me, just learning that my reactions and emotions to my BPD daughter's, 20, behaviours were "normal" when compared to others in the same situation has helped me immensely.  With that in mind, please take what your extended family has to say about your situation with a HUGE grain of salt.  I often found that others who are not in a similar position would end up making me feel worse and that I was somehow to blame for my daughter's struggles.  You have not "created a monster" and that is just a cruel thing to say or intimate to any parent.  You have reacted and done what any loving parent would do and have been an excellent parent to your daughter, trying to guide her.  Now that you know that you are dealing with BPD, you can make informed adjustments to your approach - that does not mean that you are to blame for anything you have done previously!

My heart goes out to you and your daughter.  You are not alone... .Please keep posting and reading.  It really does help.  I only found this forum about 6 weeks ago and I can't even express my gratitude for finding it.  It is helping me deal with the very difficult situation of learning my BPD dd20 is now pregnant, the father being a very undesirable person.  I feel proud of the way we have handled the situation so far, and I owe a great deal of that to this very site.  Life with a BPD child can be very difficult; sharing with others who understand because they are in the same position is invaluable. 

  MM

[dubiousraves]

Hi - I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. You are struggling to care for a child that is really suffering and its normal to do whatever you can to try and stop the suffering. You are a good mom. BPD is a complex mental illness and its hard to know what to do when faced with frequent rage and self-destructive behaviors.

My daughter is 20. In high school we thought she was suffering from depression and got some short term therapy. Then she had terrible seperation anxiety when she went to college and was treated at the college health clinic for anxiety and depression with short term therapy and Lexapro and Xanax. She continued to get worse and developed an eating disorder. While in treatment for the eating disorder, I moved to her college town and lived with her because she did not want to drop out. Maybe this was enabling? In hindsight I see that it was. Now the eating disorder is semi- controlled but she has a new problem: marijuana addiction. We live in a state where medical marijuana is legal and it was actually suggested to her for appetite and sleep but she became completely hooked.

She is now in an intensive outpatient program that includes groups for DBT, substance abuse, eating disorders and psychodynamic therapy. The program also includes a weekly therapist and psychiatrist visit. Since she has been in this program we have seen a great improvement in her rages and episodes of uncontrolled crying. Sobriety has been hard for her but I think she can see the benefit in it.

Getting your daughter to intensive treatment might be the best thing for her. What is available in your area? Our new treatment team told us that you can't address the BPD until the self-destructive and addictive behaviors are under control. So even if you don't have DBT or the like in your area, you can get a start on addressing it by treating the eating disorder and addiction stuff.