Trying to do it again 5 years later

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is going to be a fairly long post and it's almost like a first one for me again. I've been off the site for quite a few years and recently returned. Needing support and perspective.

Here's the short version of my first time on this site and what's happened since then: I have an exBPDh and an exBPD mother in law. We had a nasty divorce, which I initiated. The deciding factor for me to finally leave was that his drug use had become completely out of control. So my then 10 year old daughter (not his biological child) and I moved out. Within 2 weeks of that I discovered I was pregnant. There was no doubt it was his child, and I agonized for a week over what to do. I decided to have the baby and to allow him to be as involved as he wanted. The pregnancy, of course, was made a nightmare by his behavior. I was constantly accused of cheating, that it wasn't his baby, and he refused to attend any doctor appointments with me. It was evident that he was still using drugs heavily so I was not inclined to allow him to take the baby anywhere by himself once he was born. I insisted on the visits happening only at my house. He of course ruined every visit by picking a fight with me and then making it my fault that the visit was cut short. I finally filed for divorce when our son was about 2 months old. (The state I live in does not allow a pregnant woman to get a divorce. Don't ask me why). My attorney asked for supervised visitation and restricted decision making abilities for him. Needless to say, this did not set well with him or his mom. He represented himself at the divorce/custody hearing and I had to sit on the witness stand and get cross examined by him. So I told the truth and admitted to past drug use. He lied under oath and didn't admit to anything. The judge ordered drug tests for both of us and put his mom in charge of supervising his visits. So I went and took the hair test, which of course I passed. He showed up to submit to the testing and had completely shaved himself bald everywhere on his body. So he only took a urine test, which came back negative but we all know how easy those are to manipulate. At this point I was running low on funds for further divorce proceedings and it was pretty obvious that he was going to drag it out as long as I let him. So we came to an agreement for no overnight visits until the baby was a year old. And his mom could supervise him. As crazy as she is, she loves that baby more than anything. A couple other things about the day we finalized the divorce, which may help you see the level of crazy here: exBPDh and his mom insisted on bringing the child to the hearing. They then asked the judge to take a picture with them at the end; I guess as the new "happy family" that I was now cut out of. (The judge refused.) they also both were reprimanded by the judge for calling her by her first name. They don't believe in using titles for anyone. They think it makes them seem inferior 

So fast forward 5 years and things have changed. Sort of, anyway. The drug use has stopped, and exBPDh has actually turned out to be a really great dad. So we tried to get back together a couple of times. The first go around lasted about 6 months and then it just fell apart. It was too weird for me to go back to dating him after we were once married and I just couldn't do it. We have always maintained an off again/on again sexual relationship over the years. Late last year I had some health and financial issues and he offered to let me and my daughter move back in with him and our son. Up to this point we had been splitting the time with our son about 50/50. So we did. My daughter was less than thrilled about the whole thing, and still isn't happy with it. We started out trying to just go back to being a couple. We slept in the same bed, and tried to have a relationship. It became evident very quickly that we were not the same people we once were and that we had pretty different parenting styles. He had always been hands off with my daughter since he was stepdad to her. He is very hard on our son, who is only 5 and I don't like it. My daughter gives him the typical attitude of any 16 year old girl but of course he's made that all about him. He kicked me out of his bed because I wasn't having sex with him as often as he wanted so now I'm in my own room, but of course he's made that my fault as well. He and my daughter hardly speak and when they do it's arguing and yelling. I get phone calls at work from both of them "telling" on each other. (He works only 3 days a week so is home a lot more than I am). He stopped picking her up from school, even though it is a half mile from our son's school where he was going everyday bc he perceived she was slamming his car doors on purpose. So I had to figure out other arrangements for her to get home everyday. He threatens to kick us out about once a week. I've been keeping track of the days when he's argumentative and I'm a bad mood with me for the last 30 days, and it's been 20/30. But everything is my fault.

So I really want to pack up everything and go. I want to take both of the kids and be done but I can't take our son without coming to a new arrangement for his living situation. I'm also not quite financially stable enough yet so I'm probably looking at having to do this for another 3-6 months. So I try to keep the peace. And when I do that and keep my mouth shut I get accused of not caring and being complacent. It's exhausting.

Thanks for letting me rant. It feels good to get it out and I know so many of you can relate.

[nvrdull10]

This is going to be a fairly long post and it's almost like a first one for me again. I've been off the site for quite a few years and recently returned. Needing support and perspective.

Here's the short version of my first time on this site and what's happened since then: I have an exBPDh and an exBPD mother in law. We had a nasty divorce, which I initiated. The deciding factor for me to finally leave was that his drug use had become completely out of control. So my then 10 year old daughter (not his biological child) and I moved out. Within 2 weeks of that I discovered I was pregnant. There was no doubt it was his child, and I agonized for a week over what to do. I decided to have the baby and to allow him to be as involved as he wanted. The pregnancy, of course, was made a nightmare by his behavior. I was constantly accused of cheating, that it wasn't his baby, and he refused to attend any doctor appointments with me. It was evident that he was still using drugs heavily so I was not inclined to allow him to take the baby anywhere by himself once he was born. I insisted on the visits happening only at my house. He of course ruined every visit by picking a fight with me and then making it my fault that the visit was cut short. I finally filed for divorce when our son was about 2 months old. (The state I live in does not allow a pregnant woman to get a divorce. Don't ask me why). My attorney asked for supervised visitation and restricted decision making abilities for him. Needless to say, this did not set well with him or his mom. He represented himself at the divorce/custody hearing and I had to sit on the witness stand and get cross examined by him. So I told the truth and admitted to past drug use. He lied under oath and didn't admit to anything. The judge ordered drug tests for both of us and put his mom in charge of supervising his visits. So I went and took the hair test, which of course I passed. He showed up to submit to the testing and had completely shaved himself bald everywhere on his body. So he only took a urine test, which came back negative but we all know how easy those are to manipulate. At this point I was running low on funds for further divorce proceedings and it was pretty obvious that he was going to drag it out as long as I let him. So we came to an agreement for no overnight visits until the baby was a year old. And his mom could supervise him. As crazy as she is, she loves that baby more than anything. A couple other things about the day we finalized the divorce, which may help you see the level of crazy here: exBPDh and his mom insisted on bringing the child to the hearing. They then asked the judge to take a picture with them at the end; I guess as the new "happy family" that I was now cut out of. (The judge refused.) they also both were reprimanded by the judge for calling her by her first name. They don't believe in using titles for anyone. They think it makes them seem inferior 

So fast forward 5 years and things have changed. Sort of, anyway. The drug use has stopped, and exBPDh has actually turned out to be a really great dad. So we tried to get back together a couple of times. The first go around lasted about 6 months and then it just fell apart. It was too weird for me to go back to dating him after we were once married and I just couldn't do it. We have always maintained an off again/on again sexual relationship over the years. Late last year I had some health and financial issues and he offered to let me and my daughter move back in with him and our son. Up to this point we had been splitting the time with our son about 50/50. So we did. My daughter was less than thrilled about the whole thing, and still isn't happy with it. We started out trying to just go back to being a couple. We slept in the same bed, and tried to have a relationship. It became evident very quickly that we were not the same people we once were and that we had pretty different parenting styles. He had always been hands off with my daughter since he was stepdad to her. He is very hard on our son, who is only 5 and I don't like it. My daughter gives him the typical attitude of any 16 year old girl but of course he's made that all about him. He kicked me out of his bed because I wasn't having sex with him as often as he wanted so now I'm in my own room, but of course he's made that my fault as well. He and my daughter hardly speak and when they do it's arguing and yelling. I get phone calls at work from both of them "telling" on each other. (He works only 3 days a week so is home a lot more than I am). He stopped picking her up from school, even though it is a half mile from our son's school where he was going everyday bc he perceived she was slamming his car doors on purpose. So I had to figure out other arrangements for her to get home everyday. He threatens to kick us out about once a week. I've been keeping track of the days when he's argumentative and I'm a bad mood with me for the last 30 days, and it's been 20/30. But everything is my fault.

So I really want to pack up everything and go. I want to take both of the kids and be done but I can't take our son without coming to a new arrangement for his living situation. I'm also not quite financially stable enough yet so I'm probably looking at having to do this for another 3-6 months. So I try to keep the peace. And when I do that and keep my mouth shut I get accused of not caring and being complacent. It's exhausting.

Thanks for letting me rant. It feels good to get it out and I know so many of you can relate.