She has to go...

[Slwinner]

I thought I had it all figured out. My 20 year old BPD daughter would split her time between my home and her father's once she got out of treatment. He does not understand BPD and the word illness means nothing to him. So of course they got into it and she calls me hysterical and now has been back with me for several weeks.

Her behaviors are the same. Her father blames me. I am out of options. She's either here or homeless. She's working a part time job and going to her intensive outpatient program. Yet she can't manage to clean up after herself or do laundry. Her room is beyond a mess. She wore a filthy dirty shirt stained with food to work. She missed IOP today. She's sick and too tired. If I kick her out she'll be on the street. Homeless and most likely prostituting to get food and drugs.

I can't do that. Please don't tell me she needs tough love. She needs treatment. And all of it, and there has been a lot of it, has not made much of a difference with her. It's only made me broke.

She lives on the dark side. School's out and my neurotypical almost 16 year old son lost it today. He said mom can't you please just get her out of here! He was then so overwhelmed with anxiety that he paced and yelled and basically freaked out. He's a laid back kid but she pushes everyone in her path to exhaustion.

She will not be homeless. I will probably die first. Not fair, but true.

Yes I have support, and meds, and God. What I don't have are answers.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi SLwinner

I thought I had it all figured out. My 20 year old BPD daughter would split her time between my home and her father's once she got out of treatment. He does not understand BPD and the word illness means nothing to him. So of course they got into it and she calls me hysterical and now has been back with me for several weeks.

I remember you had concerns about this arrangement. So it's not worked out as your BPD finds it difficult in an invalidating environment. Until your H changes his approach then they're going to have problems. It's up to him to choose to do the necessary legwork. This "failure" doesn't mean that she can't ever visit or have a relationship with him. You tried it and for right now it's not worked out.

Her behaviors are the same. Her father blames me. I am out of options. She's either here or homeless. She's working a part time job and going to her intensive outpatient program. Yet she can't manage to clean up after herself or do laundry. Her room is beyond a mess. She wore a filthy dirty shirt stained with food to work. She missed IOP today. She's sick and too tired. If I kick her out she'll be on the street. Homeless and most likely prostituting to get food and drugs.

Let's take these and work through them. It must be extremely stressful for everybody stepping into family life again.

I know my DS was highly emotional when he last returned home. Your daughter's behaviours may be the same but that doesn't mean that she hasnt learnt from her therapy. It's such early days and immediately following a "failed" period at her dads.

It's great that she's got a part time job and has IOP. It's a shame she's missed her appointment because it sounds like she really needed it, particularly if she's struggling.  

When my DS got home it took me a while to work out my key priorities. I carefully chose three key goals. The first being a focus on my core relationship with him as I hoped I'd be able to build on it and this proved to be an excellent thing for us. I let all the other stuff go for a while. It started with making our home light, never making a critcism but a more happy, loving and more supportive one.  It started with me.

Personally speaking, I don't worry about his room. i know you'd like all these things to happen right now; reality is that you're going to need to change your approach. We all want the same thing; to feel loved and to be understood. Could you wash her shirt until she settles into a routine with work and her IOP Appts?

When he first came home I'd tidy up a little bit and say "I can see you're really struggling and I'd thought I'd help you a little. It only takes a few minutes so don't worry about it".

If you can try and stay in the present, inch through each day so a pattern of routine is set. Slowly and gently forwards.

Please don't tell me she needs tough love. She needs treatment. And all of it, and there has been a lot of it, has not made much of a difference with her. It's only made me broke.

I don't believe my DS needs tough love. I think he needs to know that I'll always be there for him to provide emotional support. If he feels something then it is fact. He has to feel my love through me showing him empathy, that I understand his problems. I'm really sorry you're feeling this way and I can understand the emotional and financial input you've put into your daughter. You obviously love her very much.

She lives on the dark side. School's out and my neurotypical almost 16 year old son lost it today. He said mom can't you please just get her out of here! He was then so overwhelmed with anxiety that he paced and yelled and basically freaked out. He's a laid back kid but she pushes everyone in her path to exhaustion.

I'm not sure what you mean by "dark side". Is she out and about with old friends and putting herself at risk?  I have a younger son too (16) too. I know how difficult it is to handle the two. Mine don't interact too much and fortunately my DS is quiet. I want to say that by me keeping calm, demonstrating behaviours I want to see in them worked for me but to be honest it sounds so very preachy. I've been really open and honest with my younger son and this has helped. Any small improvements I've quietly shared with him so he can see the progress, this has helped him have more understanding.

I use this phrase a lot in my house - "we're all doing our very best right now but maybe we could all try a little harder".  Today's a new day SL, try and keep yourself in it and not foretelling the future.

What's the arrangements if an IOP appt is missed?

Hugs to you. Our lives have changed but it's because I changed myself and my approach. There's hope and I explored my way forwards inch by inch because I just couldn't throw him out. I know some parents do and I've got no judgment on that. I understand.

LP

[IslandKat]

I'm just going to offer compassion and understanding to the mom here, and share my story.  My son with BPD traits is 32, there are no younger siblings, and his father disconnected long ago.  My second husband is also gone. I'm now at wit's end. His behaviors have made my life a living hell with a constant roller coaster of behaviors and moods; he has intentionally damaged property; and I am a pariah in the neighborhood because he has insulted everyone.  Does that sound like blame?  It's a reality and it's illogical to not seek a change to better my own life. I have tried where others have written him off.  I've provided a safe environment, food and shelter.  Between ever-shortening, wonderfully lucid times where Son has been the model of helpfulness and good humor, I've been lied to, called every name in the book, had personal matters spewed to the neighborhood and police, threatened with knives, intimidated, and had my boundaries broken so many times there is no more will to even make them. 

I've engaged in NAMI family education (son was diagnosed with anxiety and OCD at 15) and practice what I learned. I engaged in Al-anon and learned and practice serenity and non-judgmentalism.  Son's behaviors will stabilize for periods that have become briefer and briefer.  He refuses to even talk to a doctor and berates me when I suggest it.  I am an imperfect human, and alone in facing Son. I have responded poorly too many times; I can't take those times back and they serve as more ammunition for him to hurl at me when he's in the zone.  Anyone who will criticize is challenged to live in my environment and remain circumspect without failure.  A hurt animal, even a human one, reacts.

After 17 years of progressively worse behavior and refusals to seek help for 15 of them, Son has to go. Since he won't do so on his own, I am moving far, far away without giving him contact information.  I don't like it; abandoning a sick family member hurts like hell and imposes guilt that's going to take deep therapy to resolve.  I HATE that I am hurting him in the worst way.  I cringe at what the outcome may be, yet I have to care for myself.  This isn't the life I've envisioned between us.  Yet, having given birth to him does not mean I sacrifice my life for him.  He will either directly or indirectly kill me and continue in his life; so there is nothing tragic in my taking charge of making a change to continue mine. 

[incadove]

IslandKat remember if you know where he lives, you can send him some presents or gift on his birthday, so that he doesn't feel 100% abandoned even though he can't reach you in return

Slwinner does she have any friends?  I think my BPD-trait daughters worked out their behaviours much better outside the family, and behave many many times better with their friends who can sort of hold them to account without baggage, than they do with family

[Mirsa]

I think the key word in everyone's posts is "Judged".  That is certainly how I am feeling today when a divorce attorney who interviewed my daughter acted totally disdainful of me.  I'm sure my daughter bragged to her about all of her at-risk behavior and made it sound like my house was a party house (translation = a few kids came over).  I tried to explain to this young-lady-never-a-mother attorney about the need to take what my daughter said and divide by ten, but nope.   Her tone, body language, and inability to look me in the eye told me quite clearly how little she thought of me and my parenting.  Of course, ex-husband received no condemnation at all.   (Sexism by a woman is 10x worse than a man!)

Of course, I'm writing this as a I wait for dd during her outpatient program... .3xweek, 3-hour sessions, an hour from my house!  I got her into the program, I drive her here, I push for therapy, I oversee her education, I get supports for her at school... .but my traitor daughter badmouths me and exaggerates stories and I get treated like a pariah. 

I'm furious at this attorney for judging me; I'm angry at my lying, manipulative daughter even though I cognitively know it's not technically her fault that she is a lying, manipulative jerk.  I'm angry at myself for exhausting myself taking care of her.  I feel like I shouldn't let others' judgement of me matter... .but it does.  It hurts. 

I understand how your friends' judgements are painful.  I suppose if their kid had a lifelong disability they'd kick her out at 26 just because she's supposed to be mature enough to be an adult.  It's like my daughter looks normal physically, but she has emotional Downs' Syndrome.    Sure, kick that kid out.  Why aren't there group homes for BPD yet?  Maybe we should get that rolling... .

[incadove]

Of course, I'm writing this as a I wait for dd during her outpatient program... .3xweek, 3-hour sessions, an hour from my house!  I got her into the program, I drive her here, I push for therapy, I oversee her education, I get supports for her at school... .but my traitor daughter badmouths me and exaggerates stories and I get treated like a pariah. 

Wow - that is a lot more than I did!  I put my work first a lot, I tried to be supportive but also got mad a lot, and I didn't put in that much time!  You are really dedicated.  Right now dd's are doing ok, but I feel what you're saying - I feel like I'm the one who sticks by them no matter what, but then is made out to be the bad guy for various reasons.   The badmouthing is the worst, because it affects other relationships as well. 

I don't know what I can say to be helpful but I immensely respect what you are doing and the effort you are putting in!  At least you will know, that you did everything you possibly could.

[Mirsa]

@incadove

you are so right!  I want to know that I've done everything I can do.  She is still using periodically, but it's not awful tbh.  Right now she is living with me FT and that is fine.  After a few days, we get our groove on, and she accepts my limitations with just minor tantrums and pushing. 

If I told people that she had a brain tumor that made her act like a ten-year-old, I would get so much sympathy.  Bc it's a mental illness... .fuggetabout it! 

But yes, so many people think that I should just be more strict and do 'tough love.'  So, whatever.  They don't get it.  How lucky for them to never have to walk this journey with a child.  If I do tough love with her, she will be a runaway at age 17, no doubt about it.  My goal is to keep her safe and alive until her brain catches up with her body.  The good news:  many therapists have told me that this will occur in her 20's.  So, there's hope, and I am tough enough and strong enough to be the parent she needs me to be.

Hugs to all of us.