Update DS first therapy

[Lollypop]

 

Can't quite believe that I can write to say my DS26 had his very first therapy session yesterday.

He rarely keeps things to himself for long. He was eager to share his experience.

It went well, he likes her, the therapy seemed a bit weird to him  (she put the base of her foot against his foot base at one point because his leg was bouncing) but he said that everything she said made complete sense. He's booked next week.

Great?

He said "you know, I've put you both through so much and I feel uncomfortable about what she said today. I'm reluctant to say it but she says it's because of the way I've been raised. Thing is I've never not felt anxious so something was wrong from early on."

I validated him and told him I was expecting that. I said that I've raised two boys in the same way and they turned out differently. I said I know of lots of others who have that one child who is different so maybe there's something genetic or pre-disposed. He challenged me "so your saying we were raised exactly the same?". I could see I was being invalidating and untruthful. No they weren't raised the same as my second child was an absolute joyful breeze (but I didn't say that!). I just said "there's no book on parenting, yes you were a very anxious child, we did our very best and S16 was my second child so I must have done things differently as I'd more experience. I don't want you to worry about what the therapist has said, I've spoken to your dad already and we're prepared and we accept responsibility for our part. We just want you to get the help you need to learn the skills to lower your anxiety yourself. It's ok, don't worry'

He asked briefly about his birth (high forceps delivery) and why I sent him to that wierd private school (because there was 12 in a class with two full time adults; I simply didn't think you'd cope with a class size of 35 with one teacher), I hated that school (I let that one go - he went happily every day: I'll do a re-do on this). I could see his mind was full.  

I've told him to ask away, be angry if he feels it, go with what the therapist says; we'll try to answer honestly as possible. If he wants to keep quiet and not talk about his sessions then that's ok too.

Do I feel I invalidated, a bad parent or upset by the allegations?

To be honest, no. I don't care at this point. All I want is for my DS26 to know how to cope better with life. If that means blame is put on us then so be it. I hope our relationship that we've built these last 18 month is enough for him to feel he's loved despite anything else. I guess there'll be some soul searching sessions for him so it may get worse before it gets better.

Alls quiet on the break with the GF. DS very focussed on working and spending time with "friends". But I did hear him share his therapy session with one on the phone so that's brilliant he's got somebody to talk to about it.

The other news is that I overheard him thank his dealer for the Valium so I know he's ordered more. This wasn't his plan as he'd hoped to reduce to a safe level before he ran out. Again, I'm trying to have faith in the process.

That's it everybody. I just wanted to share where we are at.

Steady... .

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heartandwhole]

Really good news, LP ! What a great step for your son. And doubly so because he seems to get on with her. 

I admire your ability to listen to what he says without getting bent out of shape. It's not easy. And I think your son learning to deal with his anxiety is such a great goal. The absolute best one, in my opinion.

I remember pwBPD used to talk to me after therapy sessions: sometimes (usually) a lot of feelings were stirred up; other times, he felt especially clear/good. Your son is doing the work. Another step toward independence. 

heartandwhole

[mggt]

Dear Loli,  So nice to hear good news for a change 

[MomMae]

I totally agree with heartandwhole, you are to be admired for being able to listen respectfully to what he has to say.  It is great that he is willing to talk to you about his session... .it certainly shows the trust you have worked so hard to build with him.

However, I don't understand the purpose of a therapist telling a client that "it was because of the way you were raised".  How totally presumptuous and unnecessary.  I know if my daughter was told something like that, it would stick with her forever.  And perhaps she has been, as it has only been since she started seeing counsellors that she started to "blame" us for things.  Truthfully, she knows what a sensitive child she was and she knows who was always in her corner advising her of how to deal with situations in a gentle, loving way.  So I commend you, Lollypop, on being able to just accept that blanket statement even though it is not true.  I doubt I would ever be able to do that.  :)id we do some things wrong? Of course we did - with all three of our children.  :)id we cause our daughter to have BPD? Categorically NO, as anyone who has known her since she was born knows she was always "different".  I would resent any counsellor coming to that conclusion without knowing her history, it would not help her.  She needs help dealing with her ongoing supersensitive nature that she was born with, not pointless blame deflection.  Here and now, that is what is important.

I think of your example often, Lollypop, and I think my interactions with my daughter have improved because of this.  Best wishes to you and your son as he continues his therapy.  Looking forward to hearing how it continues.    MM

[Yepanotherone]

I think this is brilliant news LP though I'm admittedly not too impressed with the therapist telling your son that it's the way he was raised !  Have you read my thread entitled " letter to the moms "? This details just exactly what we face as mothers and how unhelpful it is for therapists to take this attitude and approach !
I find it so very reassuring though that your son is so open with you now and shared such detail . If only my DD would open up to me like that , i think it would help me to feel less terrified all the time ! I'm trying to build our relationship though and following your example as I can see the benefits it has to do so in the progress that you've made . So as I lie here in my bed and watch the clock , and it's 20 mins past her curfew , I will not throw a fit when she does come home ! Grrrrrrrrrr 

[Lollypop]

Hi

Yep: I did read your post. That's why I posted mine. I hope everybody reading can get something from our own experiences. Others are in front or just behind us and seeing obstacles and different approaches opens up our views. There's no one answer and I'm navigating through.

Mm: it warms my heart to hear that your interactions are better. You both win. Once the wall between you starts to crumble it's very satisfying.

My sister was absolutely furious when she paid for expensive rehab for my niece only to hear the words "you're the problem". I think her reaction only hindered my nieces healing. It took another 5 years for my niece to get her life together. My beautiful niece was a single mum, continued to make very bad choices, my sister tried so hard to control her, judged her constantly, paid out thousands to fix her. I firmly believe that if my sister had worked harder on their relationship the healing would have started sooner. My sister still heads up that drama triangle, my niece has learnt to remove herself from it. My niece has learnt self preservation. All of this is not spoken about, kept tightly locked in a secret box. From the outside they've got the perfect life. This is my family experience.

So this pre-warned me that the Therapist would aim the blame at us.

how unhelpful it is for therapists to take this attitude and approach

To be honest, it must be a relief to my DS. He has been given one answer as to why he is the way he is. He's not to blame. He's been given an explanation/knowledge of how his emotions affect him physically. This knowledge is power to him. I guess she'll start giving him a toolkit for himself over the sessions.

Personally, I believe there's some fundamental difference in his makeup and that science is only on the edge of mental health illness and how the brain actually works. Ironically, that would be the answer I need so I'm not to blame.

The fact is there's a terrible situation and nobody wants to be blamed.

We only have the cards we are dealt with, the therapist has been highly recommended, she's been trained in a certain way and we pay her for her professional opinion, she's given it. I believe that in 10 years my DS will be able to reflect and see it with a healthy perspective. That's my hope, it's a risk that I take - I just want my goal: him to live independently (successfully managing his life). Everything else (including his own happiness with his life) are cherries on top.

How totally presumptuous and unnecessary.

Well, I've only got his version of what's been said. Remember he's the one with the mental illness. He's given the facts and his memories as he sees and feels them. That is his truth. Who knows what's been said.

If other parents out there read this then they'll learn, maybe they'll choose to say to their child "you know, let's keep your therapy sessions a no go area. It may be for the best. If you've got any questions or problems just let me know".

Dialogue that's honest, truthful and personal is difficult. I may have to introduce a similar line later in. For now, I'm running with it, whatever happens, he will be able to do the work and learn the skills he needs. I hope he does.

I'll update again in a month or so.

Take care of yourselves. 

LP

[wendydarling]

LP, oh my, what a wonderful milestone! I’m doing a little jig for you, a true breakthrough moment!

18 months ago we met here and your boy was bolted in darkness of his room and life, you’ve gifted him light and he sees it.

He said "you know, I've put you both through so much and I feel uncomfortable about what she said today. I'm reluctant to say it but she says it's because of the way I've been raised. Thing is I've never not felt anxious so something was wrong from early on."

I’m touched by your DS, how thoughtfully he shared with you a difficult conversation. The last line above, DD said the exact to me, yes I missed it for 26 years and I have acknowledged that to DD, it's our truth, DD has accepted, me too.

Onwards, LP, we all go.

WDx 

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

Thanks for the jig. I've had a great day, a rare day of feeling my parenting skills are fruitful,  I bask in it, understanding its temporary. DS is on top form and confident and quite sensible. Soon to be Valium free. My other son responding well too. Better communication as I've struggled yesterday dealing with his irritability solved my problem.

WD its striking in the similarities of our kids emotions and feelings. It gives me hope as I feel a shift. I feel inspired by your daughter's determination to be well, your watching and supporting.

A period of looking backwards is necessary to move forwards.

Onwards we go.

It's a long journey

 

LP

[wendydarling]

Hey LP

So glad to hear you had a great day, you deserve to bask in the fruits of your efforts. And the skills you have learnt are with you forever so perhaps the great feeling may not be temporary? 

Thanks    I'm glad you feel the 'shift' of change is a good way of explaining it. Sometimes those shifts are small, hardly noticeable, they add up to a sense of momentum.

Similarities are striking as you say. I believe DD's determination is driven by recognising treatment is the only option, a deep need to understand her disorder, her distress, 'what's the big picture' and to know she is not alone in her struggles - she talks on twitter with likeminded people - they support each other through. Bit like us good folks here! It's taken 26 years to get to this milestone. Yes I've stood back and watched and been there when she's needed me or wanted to share. I'm so pleased your DS has shared he went to his first therapy session with someone and understand your relief he is able to.

Hey LP - 'sliding doors' moment   your DS has his first therapy session my DD's last DBT session is next week (free from UK NHS comes to an end ), time will tell how she copes, of course I'm hoping she does not fall off the cliff and if she needs help going forward - what kind. I'm going to post about this, later this afternoon.

Hope you are having a good day 
WDx