Hanging By A Thread...Desperate For Advice.

[OffMyRocker]

My 19 year old daughter was recently diagnosed with BPD over the last year and she has had nearly all of the criteria listed instead of only 5 to diagnose her.  She was hospitalized 4 times since this January without real successes.  No medications seem to help her, she has tried to kill herself more than once, she has self-harmed lately with cigarette burns and cuts on her arm... .she can say some of the nastiest things to me (and other family who supports and loves her) when trying to manipulate me to get her way... .usually with threats to do bad/harmful/risky things to herself and has even said she's thought of killing me and my mother (her grandma). 

She started out as "Quiet" BPD, from what we have observed, and has become the full, blown-out version in less than a year, once she finally opened up, after holding things inside mostly for around 7+ years.  I am barely hanging on by a thread myself with so many other stressful and horrible things that have happened to our family and she only truly seems to care about her own issues, of which she doesn't seem to want to fight harder to work on.  She has no friends, as she pushed everyone away years back after being pretty badly bullied at school.  We ended up online schooling her, at her request, for the remainder of her school years from 8th grade till high school graduation and I think that only made her worse with keeping to herself and continually lying and hiding her true feelings from us, as well as becoming very housebound.

Today, we have our first family therapy appt. for her and I... .and I am afraid of what will happen or if she will not cooperate to make this work.  One minute she loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me, wants it all to improve and will try her best... .and the next she is shooting everything down and telling me how much she wants me out of her life and what an annoyance I am (among many other hurtful insults), since I have to watch over her more than I wish I had to, for her own safety and well-being.  Having to check her all day is not living for me either.  And also... .her blood father and I are divorced, since she was 3... .he was abusive and eventually walked away from my daughter over the past 5-6 years... .which did not help things... .even though he was not a very good father and has emotional/mental issues of his own, including undiagnosed Schizophrenia and Borderline, also. 

Please help... .I am really scared for our future... .I am trying all I can to help her and get her to improve.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heartandwhole]

Hi OffMyRocker,



I'm very sorry to hear of your struggles with your daughter. That is really tough to go through, and I can understand your feelings of fear. In your shoes, I know I'd feel scared, too. 

You've found a wonderful place for support. Members here have been in similar situations with their sons and daughters, and understand. There are also tons of tools and articles that you can read to help make things better. And things CAN get better—there is hope!

What kind of support system do you have for yourself, OffMyRocker? It's so important to not go down with the ship, so to speak. I know it's very hard to look after oneself, especially when there are so many personal challenges happening. Do you have friends, family, or a counselor you can lean on?

Let us know how the therapy appointment goes today. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[OffMyRocker]

I do have close family and friends who are supportive, including my fiance', who is my daughter's 'step-dad.'  But I was hoping to hear from those who have actual experience with this disorder and have either lived it themselves or have people in their lives with Borderline with whom they have gotten to learn how to help with their struggles.  It seems those closest to me aren't familiar with it at all.

[jones54]

Hi Offmyrocker,
You are not alone. I have a 32 yo Daugher with BPD. She has been a heroin addict and fits most all of the DSM IV criteria. She has not lived with me for about 12 to 15 years. When she did it was awful. I am divorced from her mother but her mom and I have a good relationship now. I believe she is sober right now and actually is in grad school to get an Masters in social work. That is the good news. Presently she hates me with a passion. She constantly texts and e-mails me to blame me for everything that is bad in her life. I caused her to be an addict, was never there as a father. All of these things are false but it does hurt when they saw these awful things ( I actually raised her when her mother walked out). I just have to accept these statements are coming from a mentally unstable mind. I know she is struggling mentally but I have been told by my therapist to no longer respond to her abusive texts and emails. I told her 3 weeks ago I am happy to go to therapy with her if she wants. I have been waiting for her to ask to go but all I get are continued hateful messages from her that are to vulgar to repeat here. I never respond.  My recommendation to you is take care of yourself first. Read a lot about BPD to understand it. It is great that she is willing to sit down together in therapy. Try not to be defensive (I always had a hard time with that in the past). Stay calm. And lastly, pray a lot... .because that is all I can do now waiting for her to change her mind and want to try to have a better relationship with me (which may not occur for a long time).

[incadove]

Hi, my kids didn't go this far, but I had two daughters who were abandoned by their biological mom at a young age and I've seen a lot of the emotional patterns in them.  The thing that helped me most in dealing with them was to put things on a basis of acting on principle.  Because it seems to me, that a BPD-trait person (sometimes including myself, I think!) can't rely on their feelings or deep feelings to be consistent and to be a guide, but any of us can decide to act on principles of being honest and kind.    The strongest thing I would say in criticism to one of my daughters was that she was being unprincipled, and that I was disappointed - this stung, but it seems to me she has decided to be a principled person (and I would apologize to her in the same vein, if I acted wrongly, and I would commit to her to follow principles of being supportive, kind and honest with her). She still gets upset easily, but she consciously tries hard not to take it out on people.

My other daughter seems to have decided right now to give lip service to everything, but actually only act for herself, so right now my husband is not talking to her.  I have sent her a message that is asking her to make changes (and then one apologizing for the general criticism and asking for response on very specific things), but as she owes me money I don't expect to hear from her for a while, and I am just hoping the bumps in life finally get her to decide to change her mind about how she wants to act.

But, right now I'm lucky in that they are managing their lives fairly competently, and have gotten support from close friends/boyfriends and have money from a family trust, so I don't have to face the issues you are.  The second one did self-harm a few times growing up, I don't think it was the right thing for me to do but I was so angry at it - I immediately told my husband and did not offer support, except that I said I would call a hospital if she did it again.  She was upset at my response and told me it was wrong, but anyway she only did it a few times.  I don't think I did the right things necessarily - if I'd been both stricter and more nurturing and had a better relationship with her maybe she would have decided on different values.  I tried to learn stuff though because just blowing up emotionally is not helpful, the book that helped me the most was Reaching the Unreachable Child by Sheila Zaretsky, and I watched all the Marsha Lineham videos on youtube.

Trying to give tons of positive attention for non-manipulative good behaviour (stuff that takes actual work, like cleaning up, or doing homework), walking away from emotional manipulation, giving honest responses but setting boundaries, validating, using humor, those things seem to help a little.  Also if I see it as something I'm trying to learn to do sort of professionally, then instead of just a painful struggle I can see it as a learning experience for me, and like see if I can improve my responses rather than trying to improve her, and that is more satisfying.

I think others here have probably done better with kids in more serious shape, but even though I know I screwed up a lot, also I know I tried my best to improve and learn so I can feel good about that, even though I can't control the final outcome.

[Bright Day Mom]

Hi Off My Rocker, I have a dd17 and our situations sounds so similar.

Unfortunately there  are no quick fixes, at least that is my experience.  But, it can slowly improve

I have learned going into family sessions with an open mind, listen attentively, making eye contact and truly be present and speaking in "I" statements have helped our family along the way.

One other "rule" our family has instituted is "what is said in session, stays in session".  Our social worker loved this rule so much she's recommending it to many families now.

Good luck, let us know how things go.

[OffMyRocker]

I began having disabling health issues about 14 years ago, which prevented me from going above and beyond, as she had become accustomed to me doing before that.  It killed me inside to be less than what I wanted to be and had been for her... .I always wanted to stay in my "Super Mom" status.  So between that and all the disappointments her father caused... .she felt let down and alone during some of my sickest days.  I will always feel guilty about that... .though it was not my fault that I have had persistent health struggles.  I have never gotten over the hurt I felt (and still feel) when seeing the sadness in her eyes over the years... .knowing that she wanted to help make me better, but was helpless to do so... .was behind it.  She was and is my reason for never giving up, no matter how bad things have gotten over the years.  She is my world!  I need her to keep fighting, too.