Hello

[TazM]

My husband and I have been dealing with mental health issues for a long time with our older child who became an ice addict to cope with his issues and although he has overcome his addiction the consequences have been huge. But when our daughter started to display acute dangerous self harming it seemed like our world became a very unsafe place.
Her behaviour became more extreme and the dangerous self harm increased over the last 2 years. It is so isolating as the therapist views myself (mother) as being difficult but she had failed to see or understand our super bright (has tested has having the same IQ as Einstein) as being so damaged and frequently indicates that I need to be more understanding and listen more. We have now fought for a new therapist but it means we are starting again.
I am very pleased to have discovered this site, it gives us an outlet to talk to others who either suffer with BPD or care for someone who has the condition. Most people don't understand that the articulate, bubbly bright girl they met is only acting at beinlg so confindent but inside is a cesspit of anguish and shame. We are on constant high alert and feel like failures everytime our daughter manages to harm herself despite all our careful searching for her razor blades. She is only 15, I worry that her quailty of life will be affected and that her abandoment fears will never be eased.
It is hard to explain to people that the extreme emotions displayed are not attention seeking but are part of her condition.
Thanks for listening
TazM

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yepanotherone]

Hi there Taz   welcome just a quick hello from me as I'm going to go grab some much needed sleep . Your " endless search for razors" resonated with me . It's like searching for a needle in a haystack however  and even when I have found a stash of shiney new razors hidden away and ive thrown them out , I find they are only replaced soon afterwards with new stashed in new hiding places . My DD's therapist told me I was wasting my time looking as " they'll be hidden all over the house and she'll only go out and buy replacements even if you do find them and throw them out ".
I've stopped looking . The therapist was right !

[Lollypop]

Hi TazM

welcome to the forum. I'm very glad you found us but very sorry to learn of your troubles with your daughter. You've come to the right place.

I found that the more I read and learned about BPD the more I understood about why my DS behaves the way he does. Importantly, it made me understand his daily challenges and his limitations. I learnt to alter my expectations for his life; it will never ever be the one that I'd hoped of or dreamed of. Highly intelligent, eloquent and charismatic but full to the brim with fears and anxieties. I encourage you to take a look at the top right hand side of this page.

I always thought I was a good communicator. Since being on the forum I've learnt a new way to interact with my DS. It has helped my family massively. By changing my approach our relationship has significantly improved as I can see that I'm more effectively supporting him.

You're absolutely right that your daughter can't help the way she behaves. Sadly there's no quick fixes. This forum is a safe place to vent and there so much gained from sharing our own problems and emotions. You're not on your own.

What a shame that you've got to start again with the therapist. I wonder if there's a way forwards with them as, as you say, you're having to start again. Did your daughter like her therapist and was she happy to go to sessions?

LP

LP

[August93]

Hello Taz,
My daughter started self harming at 15 and was doing it for 9 months before we noticed.  How stupid did I feel that I never saw it.  I took her to the pediatrician who told me that she had never seen that many cuts on a teen as my DD had.  I too was searching for the razors.  When I threw them out, she would find a pin or a thumbtack or unscrew the razor from a pencil or eyeliner sharpener.  She always found a way.  She was hospitalized many times.  Her dr. told me to not react when I saw new cuts.  Just ignore them.  And I did.  I validated that I knew she was hurting and it definitely helped.  She is 19 now and been in DBT Therapy for a year.  The cutting has been less and less over the last 6 months and she tells me when she is struggling.  You should definitely seek a new therapist that will work with both you and your DD.  Also try to get into a DBT therapy group.
Good luck.

[wendydarling]

Hi TazM

I'd like to join everyone above and welcome you to the forum   I'm sorry what brings you here and I'm glad you found us, you are not alone. As August93 says not focusing on the cuts and instead validating the deep pain, distress, hurt helped my 28DD.

My DD has not cut for the last year, she's been in DBT for 12 months and prior to that was in an informal DPT skills group for a few months (set up to bridge the waiting list).  Like August's DD the cutting got less and less till it finally ceased.  In the informal DBT skills group DD practised self soothing and when she shared this with me I was able to validate her efforts. She found putting together a self soothing “coping” box helpful and filled it with meaningful things to help her cope, favourite perfume, music, cuddly toy, soft socks, photo of grandma, hot chocolate sachets, note and colouring books, pens, origami paper ... .the no 1 favourite is Lush products, especially bath bombs ... .We also invested in new bedding, soft blankets and cushions, mood lighting, aromatherapy. This provided my DD something tangible to help herself, a focus on self care to help her through the distress she feels.

As LP says changing our approach, learning the tools and lessons  helps us slowly move forwards in the right direction.

What other behaviours are you dealing with? I hope all goes well with the new therapist and look forward to reading your posts.  You've a lot on your plate, it's important we take time out for self care, are you able to do that?

WDx