Ex-Significant Other

[konfidintial]

Hello Everyone.

I have joined this group to become a part of a small group of people who are in a unique situation. I have two sons by a woman who struggles with BPD. My son's are 14 and 5. We are no longer together. She is the Custodial parent for both children. I work with a therapist weekly who helps to give me insight into dealing with her and he gives me tools to give to children. I must say that it is an uphill battle. I am wondering if anyone is in a similar situation and if they are, what tools have helped the children/teens to survive in such a hostile environment. I have some things that have worked and am currenly working a safety plan to help my oldest son build up the confidence; and help him feel safe enough to leave. My situation is complex so there are tons of other things with this situation. Im open to all feedback though.

[takingandsending]

Hello konfidintial and Welcome to bpdfamily. 

It is really hard on children who have a BPD parent, but it sounds like you are doing several positive things to help them. 1) You are working with a T yourself - that is great! I, also, get support and ideas for how to help my S11 and S6 with their uBPDm. 2) You know about safety plans. Is your S14 in physical danger, i.e. is his mom physically abusing him? Is he being exposed to dangerous situations - drug abuse or other? Why is only your oldest at risk - is he being triangulated by BPDm?

What is your current custody schedule like? How much time to do you get to spend with your sons? What sorts of things do they bring to you when you have them, i.e. are they upset, angry, turmoil, reserved? From comments on this board, the biggest thing that children with BPD parent suffer from is lack of validation. People with BPD are in constant want of validation, but they are usually very poor at validating those close to them. As a result, children especially have a tough time learning that what they feel is okay and normal. They develop an inconsistent attachment to a BPD parent, which hurts their emotional growth and development. But, if you see them regularly, and provide a space where they can be themselves, be validated in their experience (whatever it is) and know that they are okay to have feelings (whatever they are), they can heal. If there is significant endangerment, to the point of needing a safety plan, I am concerned that more direct steps might be appropriate. Can you please elaborate on the situation a bit more?

Also, I don't know enough of your situation to know if it is possible, but if your ex can be convinced to have the boys see a child T (one who is experienced with BPD parents), that would be extremely helpful.

Again, welcome to the boards, keep posting, and more folks will join to help out. You definitely are not alone in the uphill battle, and we can walk this journey with you.

[Turkish]

What's the hostile environment?