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Author Topic: Do you ask agreement or give notices every kids' activities?  (Read 445 times)
Godslove
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« on: June 25, 2017, 03:59:38 PM »

Do you give kids extra activities' schedule to your ex? Can I give them upon requests or am I responsible to give the schedule before? Do you really talk with your ex what activities your children should enroll? Does anyone share rides?

This is my situation. For two years of separation, I have asked him several times each activity and waited before enrolling the kids. Most of the time, uBPDxh ignored or brought up something that is not relevant-usually I should let kids to see him more than the visitation schedule. The court order says he is responsible for 60% of agreed extra activities. so I figured he does not want to agree to avoid the expenses.

For the past one year, I started enrolling them without asking and would not ask him to pay. I am a tie-breaker. Upon requests, I gave him schedules. He emailed me he's up for giving them rides, but I ignored. Why would I want more headache when he can't be on time every other weekend? This year, he agreed on summer school, when I asked his share, he emailed back saying he will not contribute any more than child support. I emailed him that is what the court ordered and I already give $400 CS discount every month then he again brought up to see the kids more. I didn't respond.  

Now with all this history, I really do not feel like telling him activity schedule unless he asks. He had his lawyer mail me to modify his visitation requests in April, when I agreed on mediation, he backed out. I guess I am trying to do what is right with the least contact in case he brings me up for child alienation to the court (his usual threat). My S8's summer league (five times) needs a volunteer. I can forward the email giving him a chance to volunteer. But would this be another start of the roller coaster?
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Ulysses
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« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2017, 01:48:52 AM »

Hi Godslove,
I think I would suggest that you look at your parenting plan, and make sure you follow that regarding decision about activities.  My pp says we decide activities jointly, and split the cost 60/40.  If your pp states you need to decide them jointly, maybe it would be a good idea to continue to email exH.  If he chooses to not respond to your emails, then you have a record that you held up your end of the bargain, and he chose to not respond.  Have you asked your lawyer if you're required by law to let him know and get a response?  It doesn't seem right that he can simply not respond, and thereby not be held accountable for his portion of the cost.  Maybe you could phrase it as, "I think X activity would be great for S.  I would like to sign him up.  Do you agree?  Can you please respond by [deadline] if you do not agree to the activity for S?  If I don't hear from you by [deadline] I will understand that to mean you agree to the activity and will pay your portion as outlined in the pp."  I don't think what I've written is great, so I hope others can help you.  Basically I think you can put the ball back in his court, and give him a deadline to respond.  If he doesn't then he agrees. 

It seems like if he agreed to summer school, you signed up your child, then exH says he won't pay, that he is in violation of the pp. 

This is not an easy road.  I have had a lot of difficulty in this realm.  I had to work with my lawyer frequently right after our divorce, and she helped me respond in a way that was in the best interest of my children, but also communicated to exH that he needed to follow the pp. 
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Thunderstruck
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« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2017, 08:50:54 AM »

We could never get uBPDbm to agree to any activities that occur during both of our parenting times (no girl scouts, no swim lessons, no sports, nothing) even if we offered to pay and offered to drive. I wish we had tie-breaker like that. SD12 really missed out on normal childhood things. :/ The only activities we've been able to do have been ones that occur solely during our parenting time (so like once a week on one of our nights).

uBPDbm is not very involved so if it were me, I would give the full schedule knowing she most likely wouldn't show up anyway. We give all notices of school events (even though she is able to get the calendar herself) and doctor's appointments but uBPDbm doesn't go. Oh well.
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Panda39
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« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2017, 02:34:30 PM »

Are all of these activities happening during your time with the kids? Does he use these activities as a way to see the kids more or is he just using your notifications as a way to engage you?

In my slightly diabolical thinking  Being cool (click to insert in post)... .If you notify him of the kids extracurricular activities and he doesn't come to watch the soccer game, play or dance recital etc., that's pretty contradictory to when he says he wants more access to the kids it could be potential ammunition if he does take you back to court or mediation for more custody.

If you notify him and he does attend that's probably a win for your kids.

He is their dad he has the right to know what his kids are doing... .so I guess I'm working my way around to yes I think you should notify him. That said I totally understand why you don't want to.

Just send a BIFF email something like... .

Hi exGodslove,

I thought it was time for little Godslove to have swimming lessons and I wanted to let you know I've signed him  up for swimming lessons at the rec center on Tuesdays at 3p.

Godslove

If he emails back about visitation and custody again just don't respond.  If he wants more details about the swimming lessons pass them on.

My two cents,
Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Godslove
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« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2017, 11:50:34 PM »

Thank you for all the insights. I am reading "Stop walking on eggshells." I want not to fear him, his accusations and threats. I give him school and doctor schedules after lots of stress. He participates some school activities, never doctor's visits. Yes. All the activities are during my time. He doesn't enroll any activities during his time and kept pushing he wants to enroll and take them to activities during my time. I have been saying no.

I wrote that couple weeks ago. I think I made a mistake. I am really down and depressed. I gave him schedules and he wants to do rides.  I gave him chance thinking, these activities all ends in August. If he is not on time or skip, it is on my records. If he is being responsible, it won’t hurt the kids. Now from no visitation for him during weekdays, he will take em once or twice a week for activities. The coordinating was a nightmare. He kept asking me the same thing that I wrote or forwarded already. If I suggest this, he says he will do that. Now everything is finally coordinated so I emailed him the summary with the fact I am accommodating his requests outside of the contract and I need him to pay his share. (So far he either had no money or I didn't agree so you pay or I can't contribute any more than CS, so I knew it will be challenging. He never paid for kids counseling or other activities he agreed. I secretly given up on it). Also reminder of being consistent and be on time so this could go for a long way. That is my sincere hope for the kids.

This is the respond I got: This is not being accommodating to me. Put yourself in the children's shoes only seeing their father 4 days per month. Do not treat me as if I'm on a probationary period. These are my kids too and I have rights, in and outside of the contract. You chose this life for us so get used to coordinating.  :)id you already pay for these classes? If no I can pay directly to the instructor. If yes I will cover the cost of the next set of lessons.

It really hurt me. I know I should ignore all the bad immature comments. But giving him a way that he wanted for three years (No come to think of it, first two years, he didn’t even want to participate in any) and have this hurtful reply really makes me down. I try to put my spirit up for kids. It has been three years and he still blames me for a divorce? He signed the contract and took the stock. He gets discount on CS. He has a big house. He bought a yacht. He has a girlfriend the fourth one. Why is he still caught up with whom to blame for a divorce? It feels so unfair and I have been trying to be free from that feeling for me and my kids life and he throws right back at me. I AM really happy I got to divorce and finally found myself back. He does not seem to remember all the days and nights he didn’t come home during marriage and eight years of counseling. But what is the use to remind him? It is going to be more email going back and forth with no results. I want to move on and I want him to move on.

I wrote this email back.
I already paid for these classes. What i sent you is the receipts. No, I want your share now. You paying the next one will be confusing since there are no same set of lessons and the price will be different. Reminding anybody to be on time is not unreasonable. I don't know why you feel so attacked by a reasonable request.

I know he will do what he wants to do anyway. When he tries to stretch his visitation time with kids at the last minute, and I say no, he doesn’t respond and just come anytime he wants. I have wrote many times that I feel that you do not respect my time. I need you to bring the kids back on time since they have schools tomorrow. No change. The book says, draw a line what my limits are. Too inflexible limits can act as a defense.  If my limits are overly flexible, violations and intrusions can occur. I don’t think I was too flexible or too inflexible. I tried to stick to the court order but I had to be flexible many times for the kids. Every time I was inflexible, it was a war…Accusations and threats to go to court and I would simply respond to stick to the schedule. He wrote how kids are literally crying to spend more time with him and how they are saying I do not let them text him (never happened). So I try to find lawyers, interviewed four and talked with three. Nobody seems to understand how BPD is like. Some told me not being consistent with time, there is no law for it. I need to do the same violations and he will get it. I couldn't do it. I am just not that kind of person. Some told me these visitation schedule changes as children grow older just between parents without putting addendum so give him some more flexibility.

How often do you communicate with your ex? Are you being flexible sometimes and has it backfired? I want to put my personal limit for this flexibility. If I feel okay to say yes, I will say yes but if he is late or keep trying to do something else afterwards and bringing the kids back late even if I said no, I write something like this “I feel that I need to do the rides myself from now on so kids can keep their routines. You are welcome to come and watch.” Then he will start the fight again and threaten to go to court. Maybe then that will be time to go to court. I feel trapped.
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insideout77
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« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2017, 03:33:18 PM »

i have 50/50 and after seeing someone post similar in a post way back - I got this incorporated into the custody agreement.

a.   Both parties agree to refrain from scheduling or promoting to any child any special events or activities that fall on the other party’s parenting/visitation time without first obtaining permission from that party in the following manner: The party requesting to modify the visitation schedule based upon a special event or activity shall first notify the other party of the event or activity and discuss with them the benefits of having the Children attend said activity or event prior to discussing it with the Child[ren]. If the party having custody with the Child[ren] during such activity or event has already made other plans or decides against having the Child[ren] in attendance, the requesting parent will be promptly notified and shall abide by that parent’s decision. Neither party shall use a child or the Children to influence the other parent’s decision or unreasonably withhold their consent. Nothing herein shall preclude either parent from obtaining an Order of Court to allow the requested modification if the other parent has refused the same.
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SettingBorders
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« Reply #6 on: July 17, 2017, 02:57:01 PM »

i have 50/50 and after seeing someone post similar in a post way back - I got this incorporated into the custody agreement.

a.   Both parties agree to refrain from scheduling or promoting to any child any special events or activities that fall on the other party’s parenting/visitation time without first obtaining permission from that party in the following manner: The party requesting to modify the visitation schedule based upon a special event or activity shall first notify the other party of the event or activity and discuss with them the benefits of having the Children attend said activity or event prior to discussing it with the Child[ren]. If the party having custody with the Child[ren] during such activity or event has already made other plans or decides against having the Child[ren] in attendance, the requesting parent will be promptly notified and shall abide by that parent’s decision. Neither party shall use a child or the Children to influence the other parent’s decision or unreasonably withhold their consent. Nothing herein shall preclude either parent from obtaining an Order of Court to allow the requested modification if the other parent has refused the same.

Thanks, this is very usefull. I'm having the same problem. My ex is boycotting some activities. These are even free. I think this is because it wasn't his idea.
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flourdust
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« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2017, 12:00:17 PM »

I have similar language in my parenting agreement -- it basically says that neither parent will schedule kids' activities during other parent's time without permission in advance. There's also some language covering how costs of those activities will be divided.
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HopefulDad
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« Reply #8 on: July 21, 2017, 01:19:06 PM »

I have to ask on these last few posts... .Isn't the prohibition of scheduling activities on the other parent's time without consent a de facto standard that doesn't need to be spelled out?  If my ex scheduled something on my time without my consent and I wasn't on board, I'd simply say no (e.g. a friend's birthday party on a day I've already made plans with my kids).  Even if I was on board, I'd gently remind her that she needs to discuss this with me first since it's my custody day.

I figure even without such wording, no judge is going to allow parents to stomp on each other's custody time in the name of "but the kids really want to do this".
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insideout77
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« Reply #9 on: July 24, 2017, 10:34:13 PM »

I have to ask on these last few posts... .Isn't the prohibition of scheduling activities on the other parent's time without consent a de facto standard that doesn't need to be spelled out?  If my ex scheduled something on my time without my consent and I wasn't on board, I'd simply say no (e.g. a friend's birthday party on a day I've already made plans with my kids).  Even if I was on board, I'd gently remind her that she needs to discuss this with me first since it's my custody day.

I figure even without such wording, no judge is going to allow parents to stomp on each other's custody time in the name of "but the kids really want to do this".

I see it as applying to after school activities like little league, dance class. Things that the NARC is going to argue that it's in the best interest of the kids.
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