Why do they resent us so?

[spottedabel]

Every time I split on my pwBPD it's the same: everywhere I see her interact with someone she's as sweet as can be, polite, fun and kind. When I'm with her, she badmouthes the people she then gets back into touch with-- one very recent example is an artist that she had commissioned a piece from some time ago, and that she verbally bashed when I was still there to listen to her.

She said she'd never get in touch with that artist again, and now, a month into a very strict phase of NC, I see that said artist has finished a work for her after all. Calling my ex "ever so patient and sweet", while when I still was with her, she cursed the artist like there was no tomorrow.

It's always been the same with her and it's perhaps been the thing that hurt me the most... .treating me unfairly the whole time, and telling me vile things about other people that apparently don't apply as soon as she wanted something from them.

I understand that pwBPD suffer from being unable to NOT see people Black and White, and I also understand that people can change, but why is this always happening in my particular case? Was I the only one my ex abused because I just couldn't treat her right?

I thought I was on a good path after leaving her for good, but after this month that I've felt honestly good about myself, it's starting to wear on me more and more. I feel like the most horrible person on earth and the guilt is back to kick me in the butt for hurting her by leaving.


Has anyone of you been in a similar situation and knows a way how to recover from these thoughts? I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't want to break NC but I also don't know how to ever find peace without knowing why - of all people - she's chosen me to put into a cage and watch as she's the friend to other's I've always wished for me.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi spottedabel,

Sounds like you are able to rationalise the situation and your mind accepts things as they are yet your heart is having trouble keeping up.  Rumination is to be expected at some stages of the detachment process and it's important at these times to remember that thoughts are not facts.  Healing is not an a - z process.  We must get through the rest of the letters, which takes time and it's quite normal on occasion to take 3 steps forwards and 2 steps back.  Try to be patient and compassionate with yourself.  It's OK to feel hurt by being treated unfairly.  Acknowledge that, allow yourself to feel the hurt, work through it then move forwards.  Don't allow yourself to get too caught up in this and become stuck.  We may never understand what motivates some of the behaviours in any individual. 

It also sounds a little like you have some residual FOG in the guilt you mention.  What are you doing at the moment to help soothe yourself and take positive steps to recover?  Are you pursuing hobbies and making a point of injecting fun into your daily routine?  Even everyday tasks can become more fun if we get present and focus on them alone without getting drawn into our thoughts.  These things build our strength, resilience and balance our emotions.

Love and light x   

[spottedabel]

Thank you for your response, Harley Quinn!

I'm trying to become more at peace with me every day, but it's as you said: sometimes, you can't help but take these steps back, and then it usually feels like having to do everything all over again.

Could you please elaborate on what you mean with the "residual FOG"? I'm feeling extremely guilty still. My thought process circulates along the lines of "I wish I wouldn't have had to do this, but our relationship was so dysfunctional that it hurt me and I could see that she was miserable as well". Until the end, she had wanted to be with me, told me she'd finally undergo therapy, but I was too weak to stay and wait for another time since the recycles of the past had just been too much for me to bear over this constant flurry of arguments for 5 years.


I'm doing a lot of creative writing to cope, but at the days that I can't concentrate, I meet with friends and often talk about what's troubling me with my new SO. In the evenings, I play video games, but since many of them are games that I've played with her before it sometimes fills me more with grief than relaxation I'm trying to cut down on them as well. I don't know to which extent yet: I've been allowing me to talk to people that aren't her online again and it does me really, really well.

It's still a mix, and I'm hoping that the new job I'll be starting soon (and the new city I'll move to) will help me during the process of grieving. I wish I knew what I wanted: I was so happy to finally be out of this abusive situation, but now after this month, I miss her more every day and I honestly wish it wasn't that way.

[OptimusRhyme]

she's chosen me to put into a cage and watch as she's the friend to other's I've always wished for me.

So the friend you've always wished for yourself is one that would two-facedly curse you to others behind your back?

[spottedabel]

OptimusRhyme, thank you for your response!


Quite the opposite: I don't. That's why I ended up not choosing her. What boggles my mind is that she manages to be kind and patient with so many people that aren't me; some that she's badmouthed before, and some that she didn't. I know that she's badmouthed me before, too... .it's just that these people now are oblivious and the moment I'm gone, my ex never gets into arguments or splits on people. Like she's done with me.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi spottedabel,

Great to hear you're applying yourself to such worthwhile activities and feeling fulfilment in connecting with others.  These things will go a long way to help you during this difficult time.  I would agree that maybe it's time to invest in some different games or perhaps substitute with an alternative activity if it is too hard right now to be doing something you'd have shared with your ex.  Just for the moment.  At the same time, when difficult feelings come up, welcome them and allow them to be there, rather than trying to push them away.  They'll leave of their own accord in a healthier way by accepting them and letting yourself be OK with them in the moment.  When ruminations become overwhelming, focus on your breath and let go of the thoughts.  Just because they are there doesn't mean we must cling to them.

Could you please elaborate on what you mean with the "residual FOG"? I'm feeling extremely guilty still. My thought process circulates along the lines of "I wish I wouldn't have had to do this, but our relationship was so dysfunctional that it hurt me and I could see that she was miserable as well". Until the end, she had wanted to be with me, told me she'd finally undergo therapy, but I was too weak to stay and wait for another time since the recycles of the past had just been too much for me to bear over this constant flurry of arguments for 5 years.

FOG is how we refer to the fear, obligation and guilt that so often drives our feelings and actions in a disordered relationship.  I notice that right when you were at absolute breaking point in the r/s she said she would do the therapy... .there it is.  You were not weak spottedabel.  You were strong enough to put yourself first.  

Love and light x  

[roberto516]

They resent us for the same reason that we might end up resenting them at times. For me, I resented (still do sometimes) her because I felt I was lied to. I felt betrayed that I had thrown it all out there and was ready to really try and work on a relationship. I felt betrayed that when I needed some time to myself it was when she decided "That's it. I'm done." I resent her for not talking to me for 2 months and then wanting me back not out of love but because she needed someone to support her. I resent that even after that, she reached out when she needed something and then left again once she got it from me.

But it's a resentment based off my own faulty views of relationships. I was so sure the path to a successful relationship was to show undying love, sacrifice, and care for someone else. And the more I did the more I saw she wasn't reciprocating anymore (now I see it was the idealization phase that ended). The real resentment is at myself for not seeing all the red flags and not trusting my gut in the very beginning when I realized something just wasn't right about all of this.

It's the same with our exe's. But I don't think they are equipped with the insight to see their own internal resentments at themselves/caretakers. So they resent us.

In my case it played right into my exe's hands. By me becoming angry and ragefilled after the breakup it just reinforced in her that I am not sane and that I am not healthy. I am not a perfect partner for my emotional outbursts. So she will try and find the perfect guy now. Not realizing that the resentment will build the second he disappoints her or upsets her.

I remember when she dumped me after the recycle she told me "I guess I still have resentments." Their inner child is so hurt (like mine is) that when they feel that abandonment/hurt from the caretaker who was supposed to be perfect and never fail them it is a real betrayal for them.

Hope some of this helps. If there is any solace it is that the resentment isn't about you. It's about them/parents which they have never processed and probably never will.

[tryingsome]

They resent us because we could not fix them, we could not end their pain, and that we remind them of the pain we cannot fix in what they believed we would as a false truth in the beginning.

It has very little to do with us. You can't change their experiences, though we maybe delusional otherwise. We can't make them better.

[OptimusRhyme]

OptimusRhyme, thank you for your response!


Quite the opposite: I don't. That's why I ended up not choosing her. What boggles my mind is that she manages to be kind and patient with so many people that aren't me; some that she's badmouthed before, and some that she didn't. I know that she's badmouthed me before, too... .it's just that these people now are oblivious and the moment I'm gone, my ex never gets into arguments or splits on people. Like she's done with me.

This was somewhat what I was trying to suggest - the kindness and patience she shows others may seem genuine to you, but her triangulation and showing you behind the curtain (badmouthing them, etc) seems to suggest that these qualities in those relations aren't genuine, and the ideal person she shows to them (which is your ideal friend) is not her real self.

[spottedabel]

Hi again everyone! I'm getting really emotional writing this, so I hope there won't be any significant grammatical errors hidden somewhere beneath all the letters.


Harley Quinn, thank you for explaining the term FOG to me. It sums what I've felt while still in the relationship very well - I was afraid almost every morning when I woke up because I was already worrying about all the things that I could do wrong over the course of the day, and of course, once it's happened, the guilt of having allowed it.

Could it be that I'm feeling so down the drain because I, again, think myself responsible for this mess? You're absolutely right: she's told me to start therapy every time we had extreme fallouts, and only then. Maybe it's this bad because she could prove to me that she's getting help this time, but when she did, I was already at my breaking point. Thank you so much for shedding light on this for me.


I can really empathize with what you've written and I'm really sorry to hear that you've gone through this hardship as well, roberto516. Looking back, I must've felt really comfortable in my role as a caretaker even though I had always seen my BPD ex as an equal: or, well, something more, since she tended to be more talented than I was in everything we did (not that I would've been allowed to be better... .). But I was proud of myself whenever I made her happy or could treat her in a way that other's couldn't.

It hurt, sorry for my choice of words, like hell when instead of making her happy, I could more and more see that I hurt her and made her sad. As you said, I was suddenly no longer a caretaker but rather someone that kept pointing out her faults and just... .made her angry. I didn't want to - I wanted to make her happy, she's had a hard life up to that point and I just wanted to show her that it didn't always have to be like this, but I couldn't.

They resent us because we could not fix them, we could not end their pain, and that we remind them of the pain we cannot fix in what they believed we would as a false truth in the beginning.

This quote kind of solodifies what I've just said, doesn't it? It pains me tremendously that there is this woman that I've dedicated myself to so many years, seemingly for nothing. If anything, she seemed much sadder to me than she had before we have gotten together. There's this big lump of guilt weighing down on me and I will need more time to understand that it isn't in our place to "save" them.


OptimusRhyme, I understand where you're coming from and I can only hope that you're right. I value your words extremely: deep down, I know that this must most likely be what's going down, but seeing them have such good and "healthy" friendships from the outside is something that I still need to get used to.

[OptimusRhyme]

OptimusRhyme, I understand where you're coming from and I can only hope that you're right. I value your words extremely: deep down, I know that this must most likely be what's going down, but seeing them have such good and "healthy" friendships from the outside is something that I still need to get used to.

The thought that helped me a lot with this sort of thinking was remembering that the things I envied and was hurt by my ex's flaunting or having weren't zero sums. The genuine friendships that she may or may not have don't prevent you from forming you own at all. Before I went NC, there were a lot of things that would send me spiraling when I heard another my ex moving in with her life like all of my contributions and efforts were utterly meaningless. But once I examined why I was hurt, I realized I was really just hurt because I hadn't loved myself enough to go out and build those things for myself.


Focus on you; you are capable of building the relationships you want.

[Aesir]

I think their resentment is a form of projection. They  resent and loathe themselves so they cast those issues on to you. It's a defense mechanism because they can't take responsibility for themselves or self soothe. Personally my ex resented me because I was not going through the same things she was going through and I lacked the ability to help her through issues she went through.

 The thing is it really wasn't my place to fix her or do everything for her. I did my best but I have issues and things to  take care of myself. On the flip side I didn't expect or ask her for anything substantial.

[spottedabel]

You're right, now that we aren't part of each other's life anymore, there's no reason to still be envious of all the things she might or might not have... .it's what I know, but the more I talk about it, the more I realize I may not be over it yet. It's so strange after being well for an entire month, and now /this/. I've been super close to breaking contact just to tell her what she's done to me and I'm very glad that at the same time, I'm too afraid of not getting any reaction from her to do so.

I'm aching to get regular therapist appointments but I'm starting a new job and simply have no time to do so. The pain is unbearable these days.

Aesir, you're proposing some very interesting points there. It could very well be the frustration of not getting the ideal partner they've wanted, too - the fact that real life is almost never like their idolization phase suggests. It makes me wonder why a good 99% of people I've read about on our board so far want to be perfect for then so badly when we can all see that it's not realistic.