Reality check - feedback?

[3sqft]

I am unsure if my (soon to be ex) husband has BPD & I would really appreciate a more informed perspective. I love this human being but am pretty sure I cannot save my marriage or return to a sense of normality without letting it all go. But it has been bewildering, I'm still having to interact with him and I suppose I am trying to understand enough to feel at peace with my losses. Bullet points then:
- together 20 years, married 14
- age difference, he is 15 yrs younger and was 18 when we started what I thought would be a fling!
- families - both only children - me, slightly needy mother counterbalanced by fantastic father so I am logical, robust self-esteem, secret romantic probably, natural optimist.  Him - mother with MH issues, would guess bipolar, MH issues with aunts, wider family big on avoidance and indirect communication, father slightly bitter functioning alcoholic who retreats to silence and work.
- husband sent away to prestigious boarding school at 5, situation created by one aunt who found his mother had locked him in cellar for his 5th birthday... .mother probably had PND too and husband 'parented' by great aunt & grandmother
- husband survived fire at 15 in which 17 year old cousin and uncle died, favourite aunt who is a de facto mother figure and him survived. Never openly discussed. He had some Ltd therapy at the time. Feels 'wrong' person died as his cousin was 'perfect' girl... .had flashback nightmares for years which he never recalls.
- love my husband very much, dents and all, and truly believed he loved me. No sign of anything other than love, mutual admiration, respect and commitment for 18 years. His dents? Risk averse, people pleaser, mild OCD behaviour under stress and uncomfortable with conflict sometimes.  Mine? Ok with others big emotions, tendency to rationalise my own, have a thing about being strong and looking for ways to fix things, sometimes focus on what next more than what now. My beloved brought me? Joy in the moment, fun, really interesting and enquiringly mind, my biggest cheerleader, protective of me and saw a less strong side than others. What I brought to him? Absolutely a woman of my word, fairness, security, interesting and smart, believed in him and supportive of his goals.

Cannot describe how nice and joyful a relationship this was for both of us and seen by others as unusual but great team of two different people. Trust, friendship and admiration. Delighted in each other's company. The not so good 5%? Saw family differently and he dealt with his through veneer and avoidance which we didn't always agree on. He is more introverted so would chew on things for a bit (but felt like a long time to me) before talking. My impatience to fix things and be more direct would sometimes butt against his procrastination and avoidance. But all normal, two different people stuff... .

Then... .2 years ago, we had a really tough year. Family illnesses, bereavements, money pressures and both of us a bit unhappy with work life. My father diagnosed with terminal cancer the evening before we buried his grandmother. My mothers much use as ice cube in heatwave so I focused on practical support for my dad, but was also emotionally a bit numb. His grandmother's death kicked off some family things for him and he got a new job about a month before my father died which my father - they were very close - encouraged. But it meant him living away during the week in afore-mentioned aunt's 2nd home in London, first time for this in our marriage.

And then life just unravelled. Father died in June. Husband fell apart with some sort of MH crisis in Oct, diagnosed with severe OCD/depression. Mother disappeared very quickly into vascular dementia in Nov & didn't recognise me by Jan. I was on my knees and completely overwhelmed by essentially losing my whole family. Husband obviously v unwell and my initial hope was that treatment and meds would do the job of what I thought was a situational depression... .then things got MUCH weirder!

Previously loving, trusting husband and friend pretty much refused to communicate with me at all. For months. About anything. Refused to come home. Said it was about him not me, but it felt like I was something to be afraid of and he no longer seemed to see me as a human being let alone a wife. He cut contact with all his friends too, despite their best efforts for months. It was as if all that existed was him and he was either anxious or cold when we intereacted. Just a huge wall that no amount of love, logic or kindness could get past. Truly unrecognisable as the man he was and it was so bewildering that at times, along with my grief for other losses, I thought I was losing my mind! Not once did he express any concern or interest in my feelings, opinions or how I was... reappeared 6 months later, obviously still quite ill - rigid, defensive, cold - but wanted to 'work together as a team again' . Other than his diagnosis & meds, I had no idea what was going on or what was chicken/egg. After a few weeks, then a text message to say 'divorce is the only option' - no explanation or reason, back to silence. Ignored mostly all my efforts to calmly talk about practicalities of separation.

Unbeknownst to me then, but found out recently, he had started a relationship with a work colleague who he is still seeing. Lots of weird stuff... .I got anonymous death threats by email & had to involve police (that was how I guessed he was seeing someone). He started doing some odd things with our joint finances, stole a special watch he had given me two years earlier, heard rumours of drug use, would not engage with me on anything practical. Reappeared, suggesting counselling together a few months later. I'm understandably a bit cautious, he set up appointment in Oct... .then went back to silence and didn't show up. I decided to put house up for sale in Nov, but was delayed because had to have cancer surgery in Dec. Told him, no response... .but he filed for divorce a couple of weeks later.

Months of refusing to engage with me directly about anything or his own lawyer. Finally under pressure from my solicitor, financial disclosure showed some pretty shocking stuff including his planned wedding to girlfriend... .bizarrely, he has just popped up a couple of days ago wanting to 'talk'... .no idea about what and not at all sure that's a good idea for me!

Sorry, long story - trust me I've missed loads out! Like all of us in this kind of situation, so bewildering and nothing makes sense so you get stuck on endless Whys. Until your gut instinct cuts through the confusion.

What I was seeing was almost the exact opposite of the person I had known for almost 20 years even down to his values and own beliefs about good or bad behaviour. The person he was would have been horrified by some of what he has done, and even a few months ago he described it as 'inconceivable'
I felt as if I was being punished but had no idea what for
I know my husband and me had a pretty healthy, loving relationship for a long time albeit with normal imperfections but it felt loving, normal and life-affirming. This felt weird, twisted, completely different, irrational and destructive, full of catch 22s.
I love my husband as a human being very much but much as it grieves me, I can't see any way past his weird wall... .I feel good that I tried, that I kept faith with him and that I have tried to be kind and calm. But it has almost killed me and I was also dealing with my bereavement and my mother's dementia. I have to accept what is, even if I don't understand why, and let him go to save my sanity... .and it is very hard and I miss him. He is still lying, avoiding, seeing a psychiatrist, doing CBT and on big doses of Paxil. Objectively, after 18 months, he still seems so far from who he was and normal healthy adult behaviour, that logically either his treatment or diagnosis isn't right but there is nothing I can do about that. I suspect he has basically erased the old him, and me with it, and is now making a new him with a new wife to provide new sense of self.

So, my questions for those of you who know more than me... .
- is it possible for someone to implode with a BPD crisis like this at 40 after years of a stable life and marriage?
- is the silence and avoidance about punishing me for some unspecified crime?
- does my instinct make sense that, without me changing much, I went from beloved to source of all evil because in his head somehow I/we were not 'enough' to save him from this crisis? And presumably the new wife will be the magic pill?
- how likely is it that he will ever return to the 'normal' healthy person he was after 18 months of crazy chaos or that we will ever be able to talk normally again?
- is my instinct wise that it has gone too far for too long with no sign of shifting so I need to accept his loss like an act of God, think of the man I loved as essentially dead and replaced by someone quite different and let it all go?

Or am I trying to clutch at BPD straws to make sense of the replacement of my much loved, splendid husband by a weird, cold, self-obsessed and infantile alien? 

[DaddyBear77]

Hello 3stft - welcome to BPD Family.

You have been through such incredible hardships, I am so sorry for your losses. To call that period 2 years ago "a really tough year" is a huge understatement.

You described some things that might be similar in a relationship with a pwBPD, but I am curious, could you elaborate a little bit more on what led you to consider a diagnosis of BPD vs another disorder?

The very first part of the diagnosis for BPD is the following:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects,and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts

The full diagnostic criteria is available here: DSM Definition: Borderline Personality Disorder

From what you described, these issues seemed to just suddenly come up in the MIDDLE of your marriage?

Maybe there are some more clear cut BPD related symptoms that you've recognized but, because of the complexity of sharing your story we either missed them or it's a part you didn't get to.

In any case, we are here to support you and try and get you to the place that will help you the most.

~DaddyBear77

[3sqft]

I think it was a gut thing... .I find when NOTHING made sense that detaching & trusting my gut did. When my husband first imploded & was talking a bit, he said two things that struck me. The first was about his need for control. The second was feeling as if he didn't know who he was, almost to the point of disassociation.

Then the silent treatment was insane and extreme, but even in silence, I could feel a sort of rage and almost paranoia, and the more confronted he was by reality the more rage I could feel

And finally I felt like almost overnight I went from being adored to despised. Like I was an object, kind of not human really. It felt as if subconsciously or not, I had been essential and valued and then had failed to 'work' to keep him safe somehow... .and there was no middle ground. No logic or love could get through and he just spiralled into self-destruction and destroyed my life too (but somehow either that wasn't relevant or he thought I deserved it, not sure)

So much chaos and craziness, and I always knew it wasn't about me. And I suppose objectively I see someone in treatment and on meds for 18 months for severe OCD/depression who is still so far from normal that he can't even communicate about furniture without it being a 2 month drama. Sort of emotion about non-emotional things. No sense of personal responsibility, lots of victim and blame. Saying he wanted a divorce 2 days after telling me how much he loved me. Taking months to file and refusing to talk about it, then filing and refusing to engage with his own solicitor... .

My gut says - silence is about control and punishment, lots of random extreme emotional behaviour but functional enough to work, limited sense of self and lots of veneer but despises people who believe the veneer, know there are attachment issues the family, and new relationship is very quick and presumably she represents a new bit of scaffolding or way to define himself. It just never felt like it was about me or even our marriage; it felt like he hit a wall and something broke and he turned into a sort of anti-him. Like a black hole of silent rage really.

Our relationship was very stable until he took a flamethrower to it... .arguably he might have imploded before then otherwise. I looked at BPD because my gut says that after 18 months something isn't right in his treatment... .something is missing... .and because he has literally just popped back up a week ago wanting to talk. And my gut instinct is waving huge red flags, love him though I do. I can't really find words to describe how extremely crazy our life suddenly became. I suppose it felt like watching a drunk teenager in charge of a Ferrari! And it kept getting crazier.

Yup, tough year is understatement! Have been on my knees. Only thing that saved me was a bit of healthy self-worth so I knew it wasn't about me, and the choice to accept the reality that the man I love seemed to have ceased to exist but I could still choose to act with love and compassion for both of us. I miss my husband but he seems to be quite lost in some kind of crazy dark angry place

[Turkish]

Even aside from BPD, OCD can be hard on relationships. Most people think of OCD as the autustuc-like "stimming" repetitive physical behaviors (which are external soothing behaviors), but OCD can manifest itself in relationships like an internal script which won't shut off: "does she love me?" Think of repetitive external behaviors turned internally. These can manifest themselves into behaviors similar to BPD. Maybe he is as well.  We have tools here which can help you better interact with those behaviors. Take a look at the right margin of the board to start. 

He went through a lot,  but so have the both of you on recent years,  and certainly you are now.  So on glad you reached out to others for support. 

Similar to what he said to you,  my ex also communicated to me many times her need for control.  If I had to analyze,  I'd say it was a need to assert the control they never had as children, lost,  and likely victims of abuse. If so,  this gives perspective, but the one thing that I would offer is that we are not responsible for whatever happened to them before we met them.  Mercy is good and noble,  in my opinion,  but we can't fix wounds which had nothing to do with us. 

T