Wit's End or Why This Mother is Leaving the State

[IslandKat]

I chose family member not a child as the category because a 32 year old man is my child but is not a child.  There are days when his behavior makes me think of him a founding spawn.  While Son wants to be childlike when it's this benefit, I'm no longer fooled by it and refuse to tolerate it.

I am choosing to uproot my life completely because I can no longer deal with Son's behavior, which for all the world fits the descriptions of BPD.  I don’t need to share the ugly Jekyll-Hyde details, I'm sure, because everyone here can probably imagine all too well the hell of living with someone with it (or something related) who is untreated.

The waves of guilt are awful. Should I not keep trying?  Shouldn't I protect him?  I've been down that path multiple times.  My nerves are raw, I'm a pariah.  I am moving far far away and he won't know where.  I will be lucky to survive the next 39 days until I do so. He is flipping modes so rapidly now that it's frightening. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there IslandKat

Welcome to the forum. I'm very glad you've found us but sorry to learn about your troubles with your adult son. BPD is not only devastating to families it's just totally exhausting as we try to cope.

There's been a reluctance in my own adult son, who is 26, to accept responsibility for himself. Fortunately he internalises, is quiet and doesn't rage. This makes it difficult to know what he's feeling. i totally understand that feeling of confusion about just how far and just how much I'm prepared to do.

I've learnt that everything he should do for himself, he should do for himself. That's not so easy to put into practice but it is possible with better communication and validation skills and important boundaries for yourself.

It sounds like you've decided to move away. Goodness knows I've felt the same as I knew something had to change and obviously he refused to be the one that did.

Ive got a load of questions so it'd be good to have some more idea of what's going on with you.

I'm worried that you may be leaving extended and family and maybe friends and work?

What's his behaviour been like since you've told him you're leaving?

Do you feel unsafe?

Hugs to you. You've come to the right place. Im do very sorry you're dealing with all this right now. It sounds tough. You're not on your own.

Hugs
LP

[TazM]

Hi IslandKat 

I have a  15 yr old whose behaviour makes you feel angry, guilty, despondent and embarrassed all at the same time. Have been dealing with this her whole life and although now diagnosed and being "treated" is still as hard to manage at times just as it was before "treatment" (forgive the quotation marks but I am not sure the current "treatment" is actually helping. Therapist told defiant angry BPD 14 year old that she had to stand up for herself resulting in 2 suspensions in 6 months  ).

I can completely appreciate the need to get away. We have chosen the same but we have to take her with us. Have thought long and hard about this choice as my mother is the only other person who can mostly cope with our child in her hyper state, we have realised although this is going to be hard it is the only way to help us all.

Hope that you will get the support you need we you move. Do you have any counselling or support groups in the new location?

Would love to hear more on your progress, we as loving parents and partners often are judged and vilified for the choices we have to make in the sake of sanity or safety.

Good luck IslandKat and remember you are most certainly not alone.

TazM

 

[Mirsa]

Hi,

I'm new to the forum.  My 16 yo daughter is BPD and I have a countdown on my phone for the day she (hopefully) graduates HS and moves on with her life.  Therapists have told me this is wishful thinking, but there is NO way I am going to be able to let this child's craziness continue to affect my life and future retirement for another decade or longer.

I can fully applaud your upcoming move.  You also deserve peace and happiness.  Your son has his own Higher Power who will look after him.  Take a well-deserved break.  Your son is old enough to make it on his own, if that is his destiny. 

I daydream of this day.