Kicked my BF out of the house 3 yr ago & have been hamster wheeling since then

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm new here.  So glad I found a place to talk.  I have been with my BF for 12 years starting when I was 42 and going through a marriage breakup.  Our relationship grew very strong, very fast, and I was the happiest I'd ever been.  He had a diagnosis of ADHD and was on a maintenance dose of 7 mg of Xanax daily, from long before I knew him.   We had issues but nothing beyond what I could accept, at the time.   

Looking back, I accepted and coped with quite a lot of his behavior, including:
* Alcohol abuse (he finally went cold turkey at Yr 5 of our relationship, hasn't drunk since)
* Emergency psych hold complete with police waking me up in my bedroom, due to threatening his mother over the phone
* Mood swings, from lovey dovey honey bunny to hostility and disparagement in a few hours, with no obvious external cause
* Chronic unemployment & underemployment
* Blaming me for his issues
* Lots of anxiety and hostility when I had to go on frequent trips for work

OTOH, there was so much good, many quiet, peaceful and happy days, and I felt so loved in our relationship.  I am tenacious and we stuck together.

About 6 years ago, his doctors would no longer refill the Xanax and insisted he get off it.  After years, with much agony, this process was complete.  And the turmoil that had been tough but bearable, became unbearable.

[critterpower]

I'm new here.  So glad I found a place to talk.  I have been with my BF for 12 years starting when I was 42 and going through a marriage breakup.  Our relationship grew very strong, very fast, and I was the happiest I'd ever been.  He had a diagnosis of ADHD and was on a maintenance dose of 7 mg of Xanax daily, from long before I knew him.   We had issues but nothing beyond what I could accept, at the time.   

Looking back, I accepted and coped with quite a lot of his behavior, including:
* Alcohol abuse (he finally went cold turkey at Yr 5 of our relationship, hasn't drunk since)
* Emergency psych hold complete with police waking me up in my bedroom, due to threatening his mother over the phone
* Mood swings, from lovey dovey honey bunny to hostility and disparagement in a few hours, with no obvious external cause
* Chronic unemployment & underemployment
* Blaming me for his issues
* Lots of anxiety and hostility when I had to go on frequent trips for work

OTOH, there was so much good, many quiet, peaceful and happy days, and I felt so loved in our relationship.  I am tenacious and we stuck together.

About 6 years ago, his doctors would no longer refill the Xanax and insisted he get off it.  After years, with much agony, this process was complete.  And the turmoil that had been tough but bearable, became unbearable.

[critterpower]

His separation anxiety, and angry blowback during and after separations, became so hard to take.  He often accused me of cheating, without justification (I wasn't cheating).  His erratic and hostile behavior really disrupted the peace of my home.  My two daughters found it especially hard to endure (they only got the downside of life with him;  they didn't get any of the upside).   He refused to even look for a job over the course of years.  He wouldn't leave voluntarily so I had to wait until he was out of the house, then change the locks.  He broke and or snuck into yard, garage and even house numerous times over the years until finally I got a restraining order in Feb 2017.  As far as I know, he has not been getting any treatment of any type and he angrily rejects offers of counseling, treating them with suspicion.

Even with all of the above, and with utter turmoil between us and lots of anger and negativity coming from him, I still find myself longing to save this relationship.  He says, the only way to fix it is to let him move back in.  This r/s  has given me many of the happiest moments of my life.  But I can't possibly let him back in knowing that I, and even more so my daughter, will be subjected to more of the mood swings and other negative behavior.

Any thoughts for me?

[Lucky Jim]

This r/s  has given me many of the happiest moments of my life.  But I can't possibly let him back in knowing that I, and even more so my daughter, will be subjected to more of the mood swings and other negative behavior.

Hey critterpower, Welcome!  You have succinctly stated the essential problem with a BPD r/s and, in my view, have already answered your own question.  It's understandable why you elected to get off the roller coaster.  Are you contemplating a recycle?  Many of us have done it, including me.

LuckyJim