Trying to stay but feeling I am fighting a loosing battle

[Findabetterway]

I am just someone who has daily drama and accusations that I can't figure out how to respond to.  Every angle I try doesn't work. It seems as if my spouse just wants to be angry and nothing can change that

[DaddyBear77]

Hi findabetterway

You may have just written the headline to my life and a lot of others here as well. So many of the struggles we face are ones where we try and figure out what our person with BPD (pwBPD) wants / needs / expects. As you've said, when we do that we have a VERY high failure rate!

As you look through the tools on this site, you'll see something really important I think. The most important  steps are all about looking at OURSELVES. They aren't about how to adjust or change the path of our pwBPD.

Can you tell us a little more about what kinds of drama you experience? What are some of the accusations? When you're confronted with an outrageous accusation, what is your most typical reaction?

Like I said, we can all very much related to a lot of this stuff. I look forward to hearing more about what's happening with you.

~DaddyBear77

[Findabetterway]

It just seems so difficult to figure out what is going to set my husband off.  I measure my every word.  this does not always help.  I find that I am constantly trying to "guess" at

1. If I can talk to him at that time at all
2. If what I say is going to anger him
3. If I don't talk to him about something, is that going to cause problems

It is a constant daily struggle.  For instance, the other day.  I was shown a paper plate with jam spread all over it. I was asked to tell him what "that was",  I was confused and asked what do you mean "what is that?", it is a plate with jam spread on it.  but, you just don't get it do you.  I said, what is it I don't get.

I then was shown a different paper plate, this time with two slices of toast on it.  Again, asked "What is this"?  Okay, that is a plate with some toast on it.  Reply.  Exactly, but you don't get it.  you never get it, you don't have a clue.  Ugh,  you just don't get it. 

My response:  What are you trying to tell me?  You are obviously angry at me for something and I do not understand what it is you are angry about.  can you please just tell me what you are angry about?

Response:  Don't try your psycho management crap on me.  Ugh - angry frustrated scream - you just don't ever get it.   

I then stay silent and just listen to the rant because any further response will just increase the level of anger.  I at this point, have no idea what the anger is about, nor understand how far this will escalate.  I just silently sit there, push the recorder on my phone and record the incident as some sort of future proof that this is what is happening.  I do not know where this will go, but I want recordings of what is happening because it just doesn't make sense to me. 

I have asked to go to therapy but was told that he can't give me an answer on that. 

I would like to be able to actually talk to my husband without having to wonder if I am going to receive some sort of negative response.  I have tried so many angles to get around the anger and find out what I am doing and change the way I do things to please him and hopefully finally make things okay.  It seems that there is no way to reach the magical Okay.  I am not sure it exists. It seems that there must always be something that must be a problem.  Why is it that there must always be some problem.  If there isn't one, then something is turned into one.

[Lucky Jim]

I have tried so many angles to get around the anger and find out what I am doing and change the way I do things to please him and hopefully finally make things okay.  It seems that there is no way to reach the magical Okay.

Hey Finda, In my view, it's not about you trying to change things to please him, which comes from a place of codependency; rather, it's about you being your authentic self and taking charge of your life.  Suggest you consult the Serenity Prayer as needed.

Like you, I thought that, if I jumped through enough hoops, I could attain a plateau of relative emotional stability in my marriage.  It was a mirage.  I never achieved it and wonder why I tried so hard for so long to find something that remained out of reach.

LuckyJim

LuckyJim