Just realized he's BPD, best learning resources?

[OwlLady]

Hey, all. I'm new.   

After extensive internet searching it all came together for me these last couple days. My husband's rages, critical attitudes and abandonment fears all made sense when I saw the criteria for BPD. It breaks my heart. My husband and I got married a little over a year ago and I know he was abused growing up and I want to help him get past this. He's in therapy, but as yet undiagnosed regarding BPD. He's very high-functioning. Me, my therapist, his therapist and maybe one sibling of his knows how upset and inconsolable he gets sometimes, but that's it. No one else would ever guess.

The situation for us is:
1. He rages about 3x a month with smaller anxiety moments sprinkled throughout.

2. He's a saint about 6ish days a week, but on that rage day, whenever it does eventually hit, he's so incredibly critical, angry and emotionally hurtful to me (and only me).

3. When he rages it usually is triggered by a real/imagined self-perceived fault (usually a tiny mistake or bout of uncertainty of what to do in a situation (often a work situation).

4. Sometimes I can reassure the heck out of him until he calms down, but often I can't, especially if he's "due" for a rage.

5. When I can't calm him down, he quickly escalates into hitting himself, criticizing me, accusing me of not caring and not helping --even though I'm trying, and pleads with me to not leave the room. The rages usually last for 3-24 hours, rarely longer, which is always a comfort.

6. He self-harms by hitting himself in the head really hard and sometimes punching walls. He's nearly broken his and several times this last year and his hands are almost permanently bruised. I can only imagine the brain damage he's causing.

7. My leaving is usually what gives him peace in the end. When he finally goes to work or just goes back to his daily routine and focuses on his relationships with other people he breaks out of the spell and acts like everything is totally normal.

8. My therapist agrees that he dissociates severely when he rages. He can't seem to feel time passing; he also says he can't "feel me" in the room with him or that he can't feel any emotions from me when I'm talking. He says I'm too stoic and that I sound completely monotone. I do try to speak calmly (to control my own temper) but I am of course speaking with emotion, he's just not receiving it. He also doesn't seem to remember all of the rage event when he comes out of it.

9.  I want him to GET WELL! He does typically apologize after a rage. He didn't use to, but I taught him to and it's made life SO much better. We are both in therapy, which I think is slowly helping, but I'm not sure of the extent to which his therapist is aware of how bad it is. -- Should I contact her and tell her?

SO... .
I'm on a learning binge right now with BPD and I want to know what people have found the most helpful. I'm 1/2 way through "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and I'm planning on doing "Loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" next.

What else should I prioritize reading? What helped you the most?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi OwlLady,



I'd like to welcome you to the family. I'm glad that you have found us, there is hope.

Me, my therapist, his therapist and maybe one sibling of his knows how upset and inconsolable he gets sometimes, but that's it. No one else would ever guess.

That makes, you're all attachments for him, the closer that you are to him, the worst the behaviours are.

He's a saint about 6ish days a week, but on that rage day, whenever it does eventually hit, he's so incredibly critical, angry and emotionally hurtful to me (and only me).

I would think that you're walking on eggshells when you're trying to anticipate what he's going to rage on. My guess is that he's dysregulated at the end of the week because of the stress during the week.

BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder, it takes him longer than you to return to his emotional baseline of happiness.

When he rages it usually is triggered by a real/imagined self-perceived fault (usually a tiny mistake or bout of uncertainty of what to do in a situation (often a work situation).

Think of HSP's ( Highly Sensitive People ) he's hyper sensitive to rejection, as you put it real or imagine self perceived. He has low self worth, low self esteem, has a hyper-critical inner that plays on a loop back like an VHS tape, that just gives him negative feedback about himself.

A pwBPD have defense mechanisms that protect them but those same mechanisms are destructive and self destructive, it's counter intuitive.

My leaving is usually what gives him peace in the end. When he finally goes to work or just goes back to his daily routine and focuses on his relationships with other people he breaks out of the spell and acts like everything is totally normal.

I can see how throwing himself in other r/s's would telegraph that he's soothed. A pwBPD have a fear of engulfment and the angry rages are because he subconsciously feels like his sense self is being consumed by the r/s and he pushes you away, it's push behaviour.

You're on the right track, keep reading, there's a lot that you shared that's difficult to cope with because it triggers high anxiety and it's hurtful behaviour. We're confused wondering what was it that we did that triggered this over reaction? Reading about the disorder helps with normalizing the behaviour and also depersonalizing it. A goal that I would suggest is to become indifferent to the behaviours, you neither like it or hate it, it's something that he's going through it's not personal to us.

My last bit of advice and I did exactly as you've done is allowed myself to be raged at. Sometimes m s my exuBPDw would rage for an hour an hour and half, most of our fights took place at home in the living room or the kitchen, I remember looking over at the clock and making a not of what time that she started with her rages and when they ended. I subjected myself to that for several years.

Set a boundary that you're not going to put yourself through that and either change the tempo around the house and find something that keeps you distracted and out of site, clean the basement or the garage etc... .Just find something or step out and say that you're going out for an errand and that you'll be back. I hope that helps.