I struggle with Xw's BF playing a roll in 10's life

[bus boy]

Yesterday someone text me that they saw s10 and Xw's BF playing at the park, this causes me pain. I know that people split up, meet new people and those people get involved in the children's life, I get that, what I can't accept is how the r/s between the BF and s10 has been developed. Xw's BF looks at me and treats me like a dead beat, has no respect for me and helps Xw in showing s10 no respect for me. I'm a bit angry writing this so emotions are flowing. I don't know what to think, I don't want to hate the BF, is he being brain washed against me? Around our little rural community it's simple logic passed on for generations " he's a f*****g Frenchman what do you expect." I try to not think like that but it's difficult. Is he a slippery f*****g prick, is the way he acts towards me naturally in him or is he being steered in that direction? He is doing it so the dirt must be naturally in him, he did f**k around on his first wife and she put the run on him.

I don't want this person of poor character and no morals having a part in my sons life, as I've posted before, Xw denied me so much access in s10's life, denied me access only to give it to her BF. In my way of thinking, my set of values, any man who would step into another man's, Childs life and try to be a father when no father is needed is not much of a man. If I had a gf with children and those children had a good father like me, I would respect boundries, I would never try to be a father. If the mother denied the father access and offered it to me, I would be a man and say no. My son doesn't need another man stepping up to the plate especially a man who for the past 2 years has shown me he has little to no values. People say be greatful he's good to your son, f**k that, that f*****g Frenchman is helping to teach my son to disrespect me, he is playing a big roll in my sons life that will have a negative impact in the future, it is confusing my son. " why was my father not here?" Xw has alianated me all of s10's life and now for the past 2 years this man has been given full father rights in s10's life right from day one. He wasn't in s10's life 1 week and he was going here and there picking s10 up and all the years of s10's life I was denied. Her BF even left work early one day to drive 40km to pick up s10, it was my access weekend, I asked if I could pick s10 up early and Xw said "no." I fear the confusing long term affect this will have on s10, Xw isn't doing anything to benifit s10, she is unfolding a sinister plan to cause me pain, to control, to make her self look like a struggling single mother who needs a savour in her sons life. Nothing she is doing is for the better of s10. It's only for her own twisted selfish needs. As it is now, s10 is full of twists and twitches and always biting the inside of his mouth when he talks to me, he's always stretching and twisting his face, I see it more all the time. i try to talk to s10 but he tunes me out and is a master at changing the topic.

[Turkish]

When our son,  then 5, started acting out, my T told me,  "it's none of his business whom his mother chooses to have a relationship with." I don't think the T was talking about my feelings, but it fits.  Neither my kids nor me have control or power over their mom's relationships. My ex left me for that guy in 2013/2014. To this day it affects the kids. 

I can only control myself,  and my relationship with the kids on my time.  I can't control my kids, only my side of our r/s. Even though my ex seperated from her H in January,  it seems like they may be getting back together. I have no control over this.  It's not my r/so. The kids are confused, but they still like him.  It used to bug  (hurt) me that they liked him.  But it's not about me, but the kids.  I focus on my r/s with them, aside all others. 

I know you're angry,  I'd be angry also, and I am a bit still about how much dysfunction my ex and her H have put my kids through.  However,  I focus on what I can truly influence, which is my r/s with my kids. 

You're angry,  I get it,  but meanwhile there is a lost 10 year old boy who needs a rock. Can you be that?

Parental alienation is devastating to be sure. You are not powerless,  however: you still have visitation and a custody order.  It might help to shift focus away from his mom and her immature bf and onto you and your son.  Are you willing to do that? Can we shift focus away from your ex and her bf in order to focus on your son and you?

T

[bus boy]

Turkish, I can be that rock. I have been focusing hard on how to change and to focus on s10, it is working, he has been with me all week, as per court order and he is so attached to me and he didn't ask to go home once. I will continue on my path and grow bit by bit day by day. I see the change. As for the other two I can see they are stuck in their backward little world, on Wednesday at s10's soccer Xw and BF gave me some nasty glares, I just ignored them and go on in there childish ways and yesterday Xw drove by my house, I was turning out of my driveway, I didn't even look at her. For Xw to drive by my house is really going out of her way, I live on a gravel back road so she made a very special trip to go by my house.

[Turkish]

he didn't ask to go home once

This is great news!

Children,  especially boys, need to see their fathers strong.  Without going into detail,  I'd say strength equals stability and steadfastness in their eyes.  S7 told me the other week that he hated me.  I stood by my boundaries.  His feelings passed. Interestingly, he told the in-home therapists last week that ":)addy is nicer than Mommy." This both surprised me and it didn't.  I think I can be firm with him sometimes, his mom more enabling (from my POV), but what I am is constant. More importantly,  I'm safe. S7 knows what he will get from me.  The other home? Physical and emotional Instability.

It sounds like you are creating that safe and stable environment for your boy, and this is the most basic,  helpful thing you can do for him.  With you,  he won't need to be anxious about unstable mothers and immature male figures.  You will mirror the man he is going to become. 

T

[bus boy]

Thanks T, when I read that your son said he hated you, my heart sank than as I read on I felt much happier with what I read. I am thinking about taking s10 to a child T.

[Turkish]

7 is different from 10 developmentally.  The boundaries we enact aren't so much different,  nor are the validation techniques.  He called me an SOB a few weeks ago,  crying and screaming. I sent him to his room.  He pounded on the door and screamed.  I walked out.  Half an hour later he came out and was laying on the floor on a blanket watching TV on the living room. I left him alone.  An hour later,  he had returned to baseline. The key was me being firm with boundaries (name calling was unacceptable, there needed to be a consequence), but me being firm and stable.  He got over it.  He's 7. These things will happen.  It's hard not to take it personally.