BPD Self Sabotage

[toomanydogs]

I don't even know where to begin. First, I'm posting this in improving a relationship; however, the topic right now has nothing to do with improving anything. I don't know that it's possible. Possible to improve myself in terms of my relating to my BPD husband, but... .

I need to back up a bit. A few years ago, I tried leaving my husband. I filed for divorce. It was probably the worst experience in my life--worse than my mother dying when I was young. During that time, I behaved badly to my in-laws. They are public people, and I went after them publicly--never anything slanderous. I just made fun of them and without naming them.

Then my husband and I reconciled. There were a few good reasons for us to reconcile: 1) he has something neurological going on in addition to the BPD (at least I think so), and after I left he began running through our yard naked; he hurled racial epithets at our all-white neighbors; he peed in the bushes and on the floor. He had what appeared to be a psychotic break, and I felt connected to him still. I loved him the way a wife loves a husband, and I helped him by getting him into a treatment center. 2) Together, we could make it financially. When we split up, his parents cut him off from family money. Pooling resources ensured we both had food and a place to live. 3) My husband asked me to come back to him, and when I asked him if he wanted me back as a wife or someone who could take care of him, he told me one of the few truthful statements he's ever made in his life: He said for me to take care of him. I asked, where does that leave me? Again he told me the truth: "I don't know." He also advised that I get a lover, that he'd never be able to be a husband to me.

When I came back, for two years the in-laws and and I were quite suspicious of one another, but bit by bit, as I discovered the lies my husband had told about me, I started looking at my in-laws very differently, figuring that probably 90% of what my H had told me about them were lies. I worked really hard to establish a more trusting relationship with them.

Things were going pretty well until February of this year when my H called his caregiver a c**t, and she quit. My position was that he needed to take responsibility for what he'd done and apologize. His psychiatrist's position was that the caregiver (and I) needed to learn not to let the "c" word bother us.

Things deteriorated further. I had a falling out with the psychiatrist. My H disappeared one weekend. He also pretended to leave his cats behind, and when I couldn't find them, got his psychiatrist involved by telling her he'd been so scared, he'd had to run home and find them himself, and he "took pictures" of the cats to "prove" he wasn't delusional.

I stayed out of that debacle, never bothering to mention that he probably sent her old pictures of the cat. I have no contact with his psychiatrist because my H is attempting to portray me as crazy and she's playing right into it.

H's therapist (CBT specialist and quite good) will probably be quitting in August because of my H disappearing that one weekend because of issues of liability.

In short, things got really messy really quickly after Feb. My opinion was and still is that my H was repeating patterns and that only by responding differently--by apologizing, by taking responsibility for what he'd done--would he have any chance of perhaps getting better, although I was willing to settle for his simply stabilizing.

With the help of my own therapist, I successfully detached from what my H was doing. Every piece of chaos, I'd respond, "That sounds rough. I'm sorry. Remember I love you."

Now tonight (and thanks if you're still reading), I get out of dinner with my granddaughter and son; I'm on my way to the movie, and I check my email. I have been cc'd on an email my father-in-law sent my H. Seems my H has been tweeting that my FIL has been engaging in illegal activity in order to make money (not true).  My FIL told H he needed to hear from him, he needed the tweet removed, and if not, he was prepared to cut all ties.

I wrote my FIL and told him I was sorry that had happened, and whatever he needed to do, he had my support. Then I checked Facebook (H has blocked me from his Twitter account and his personal FB page, but he has a public page, and although I can't post I can read what he's written, and he's not apologizing to his dad. He's attacking.)

I look at what my H and see what he's done since February, and I genuinely marvel that one man could have single-handedly thrown things into such chaos. Dealing with my H works best when the team is cohesive. Now it's not. It's getting more and more chaotic.

My plan to get through this is to remain FOG free, not JADE, lean on friends and my coach, and have my stock answer to whatever he throws at me: I love you. How are you?

And other than that, I remain busy with my own life. I feel discouraged that my H has not taken advantage of what he's been offered and has not decided to get the proper treatment. Good thing? I don't think it's my responsibility to fix any of this. I expressed my sympathy to my FIL and told him the truth, whatever he needs to do I understand and support.

And if anyone has gotten to the end of this, thank you. In all seriousness, I think I needed to write this for myself. Putting on paper what my H does convinces me that what I am seeing is a personality disorder and not schizophrenia. His psychiatrist excuses H's behavior by attributing whatever he does to a diseased brain incapable of making good choices.

Thanks again for reading.

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi toomany dogs,

It sounds like you are going through a really tough time. I'm not sure what your H or your FIL do, but it seems like having a ruined reputation could be devastating to the family. Could you set up a meeting with the rest of the family so you all could set up a cohesive plan on how to handle the current situation?

[toomanydogs]

Hi toomany dogs,

It sounds like you are going through a really tough time. I'm not sure what your H or your FIL do, but it seems like having a ruined reputation could be devastating to the family. Could you set up a meeting with the rest of the family so you all could set up a cohesive plan on how to handle the current situation?

Hi Tattered Heart, Thanks for getting back to me. My post was pretty rambling.

My H doesn't work; his father established a trust for him when he was in his late teens. My FIL is in the stock market, and a ruined reputation has a tremendous impact on his ability to make money. This is not the first time my H went after my FIL like this. He once, before I knew him, got hold of my FIL's client list and informed everyone that FIL engaged in insider training. This time, H tweeted that information.

H's family has NO contact with anyone in his family except his dad, and that contact is intermittent at best. So I don't think I'd be able to get them together.

I have thought of asking FIL to reduce my H's monthly allowance to push H into the correct treatment for BPD. (I just read the criteria again, and he definitely has five of the symptoms.) I'm not sure that's advisable.

His psychiatrist does not have the background to treat this, in my opinion. She has told me on numerous occasions that anything my H does is coming from a diseased brain: treat the diseased brain and the behavior will stop. And right now, my H is on a mission to portray me as the one with psych issues, so I have no contact with her, and I have intentionally pulled back my responses to my H, so they consist of: 1) Good Morning. 2) I love you. 3) How are you doing? 4) Need anything from the store? 5) Would you like to go to the store, out to eat, to the movie, etc.?

I do not respond emotionally to him, ever since he disappeared that one weekend and took his cats with him, all the time pretending he hadn't, so when I reacted with alarm, his psychiatrist told me that cats can hide in numerous places.

I had never believed my H capable of that level of planning. I was wrong. He intentionally wanted me to think the cats were gone, and then he "proved" they were there all along by sending a picture of them to his psychiatrist. She believed him. Seems to me, she is not recognizing a very serious personality disorder. So I have no contact with her, and emotionally I have pulled way way back from my H.

Anyway, thanks again for getting back to me. I see my coach again today. That will help.