Where do we start?

[LexiMae]

Our 14 yr old daughter has been recently diagnosed with BPD by her Psychotherapist.  We are learning that typically a child cannot be diagnosed with BPD because of their age.

We have been on a rollercoaster from hell for over a year.  Long story short, a move to a new house/town accelerated our problems.  She came home from camp obsessed with a transgender friend.  That has transitioned into the LGBT community.  She struggles with her gender and is now very defensive about being a feminist.

When she was younger she was involved in soccer, t-ball, several dance classes, singing and art classes.

Middle school is when we started noticing a change.  She had 2 close friends that were questionable.  One friend told her that she had been sexually abused by a cousin for 2 years.  The other friend makes up elaborate lies and was cutting herself.  We decided to move to a safer town with better schools.

Our daughter attended 8th grade at a new middle school.  She went from straight A's to failing 3 classes by the end of the year.  We have had consequences like taking away her cell phone until her grades improved, but it didnt help.  I used the Love and Logic technique.    Nothing was working.

From the get go she befriended friends that have issues.  Some have tried to commit suicide or are suicidal.  A great majority are cutting themselves.  Several are seeing therapists.  They wear dark clothes and color their hair in different colors (we won't let her color her hair).  Quite a few of these students don't have a great home life situation.   

We are loving supporting parents.  We realized that she was becoming more withdrawn by spending more time alone in her bedroom.   A lot of which was sitting in the dark.  With the help of her pediatrician we sought counseling for her.  She saw this counselor for a couple months then quit.

After the first of the year we found another one.  She loves her new therapist.  She now sees her twice a week for 30 minutes.  She claims to have panic attacks/anxiety as well as depression so her pediatrician put her on low dose Fluoxetine.  We don't see any improvement.

We followed her closely in regards to her texts, instagram and Pinterest.  Over several months we learned that she has different user names for these accounts.  She pins dark poems, song lyrics, sketches of skeletons etc.  She has over 1500 followers.  This scared us so we removed her cell phone and access to computers a couple of weeks ago.

Over the past couple of months she has decided to not eat much.  We believe she is binging and purging as well.  Several trips later to the MD we have been referred to an Adolescent Clinic for an eating disorder.  We had that appointment 2 weeks ago.  The recommendation is now for us to find a nutritionist and a psychiatrist.   A social worker is involved as well because she told them she has been sexually abused by someone. She told them she isn't sure it is true though.

We don't feel the eating disorder is the correct diagnosis.  While at the adolescent clinic we were told she is maintaining her weight.  So why are we doing this when we know there is a bigger problem here?

We learned from the therapist that she meets a lot of the traits associated with BPD.  She signed a release for her new MD and therapist to exchange information.

At her last therapy appointment the therapist told me that she will eat what and when she feels like it.  She said our daughter doesn't have an interest in improving her eating situation.  The therapist also told us that if we suffocate her then her therapy (DBT) approach will not work.  She fears our daughter will shut down.  We are working on scheduling an appointment to discuss a reward system to work towards.  Baby steps.

We don't know where to begin.  Just bought the book Walking on Eggshells and am ordering the workbook. 

We strongly feel that if we let her hang out with her friends that this would be a big mistake.  We feel they have issues themselves and they are not helping her.  We need to learn how we can help her.  She feels we are suffoccating her.  She does have 2 friends that we approve of.  We have met the parents and know that they have a stable home life.  I've tried encouraging her to see them but she only wants to hang out with the troubled friends.

Now that it is summer we spend everyday out of the house doing fun activities to keep her occupied.  She feels very isolated in her home.  She hates it here because she does not have any friends within our housing community.

I could go on and on and on... .any advice on where to start... .your experiences would be greatly appreciated.  Starting high school in her current state/situation scares the life out of us.

Thank you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Wow, LexiMae, you have been through a lot and you have done an excellent job of painting a picture of your situation with your daughter.  I am so sorry for all that you are going through and very glad that you have found this forum.  I have been on here about two months looking for help and support with dealing with my BPD dd20, and have found this board to be invaluable.  It may not always supply us with all the answers we need, but just the validation that others understand and that we can speak our truth, hopefully without judgement or censorship, is something I am very thankful for.

You have been doing an extraordinary job with your daughter and are to be applauded.  Your daughter is still young enough that you can exercise control over her, and I, personally, would highly advise you to do it as you have been so far.  I wish that we had followed our instincts a little better when it came to our dd's attraction to the dark side of things.  What you describe about dark poem, lyrics, sketches of skulls, etc - been there, done that.  As well, my daughter was very much into anime and would spend hours sketching characters, always sullen, guys with cigarettes dangling from their mouths, etc., and then pin them up all over her room.  My instincts told me to put an end to it, but my mind listened to the advice of letting her self-express (if that is what imitation can actually be called - because that is what my daughter did - imitate everything - cutting, not eating, way of dress, characters in books, comics - she actually started to make herself look like an anime character - etc... .Now I know it is due to lack of idea of self)  Against my better instincts, I eventually gave in in high school and let her dye her hair because everyone always says, it's only hair, let her self-express.  Well it is actually a lot more complicated than that, and her sister, who is only 15 months younger, concurs that there is a certain "group" at school who are drawn to all this dark and "emo" stuff.

So, maybe not much help from me except to applaud everything you are doing so far and to advise you to keep following your instincts - they are correct.  I think keeping her busy this summer is an excellent idea (though exhausting for you) and would advise continuing to try to keep her away from the sketchy friends.  Do what you can about the internet at home, but it is near impossible to stop this.  Personally, I feel this is and always has been our biggest obstacle in helping my daughter and the one we can do nothing about.  As a teen, she had no access to wifi at home - always had to plug in in the family room.  But it was always available at school, at stores, downtown, etc., so how can a parent do anything to stop access, it is impossible.  I truly believe that without the internet, my daughter would be a shy, slightly socially awkward, homebody who would lead a relatively normal, happy life.  But no one can put the genie that is the internet back in the bottle.

You are an excellent mother with good instincts.  Never lose sight of that, LexiMae.  Many hugs   MomMae

 

   

[LexiMae]

Wow Mom Mae!  You too have been through a lot! Thank you so much for the post!

I forgot to mention that my daughter wants to change her name.  She told her teachers and friends to call her by her new name.  I also forgot to mention that she wants more holes in her ears and wants to pierce her belly button.  We've told her she can make all of those decisions when she is an adult. 

I hope things improve with your daughter!  I am very glad that I have found this forum. 

Our outing today is meditation class, pedicures, shopping for a bicycle, having our chakras balanced.  I'm grasping at anything to help!  Thankfully I have summers off.  This is exhausting at times.

Thanks again for your reply.

[1hope]

I can relate to many of these things.  My BPD daughter is 18, and has difficulty with finding  friend groups.  Her counsellor has explained to us that she seeks acceptance from a group, and that's why she'll change to fit in. 
She went through the dark stage when a friend group was like that.  Then she found a new group, many of whom are LGBT community.  She started to identify with them, and contemplated changing her name when one friend (trans) did. She regularly attends a group for LGBT youth, although when you see/meet them, they don't seem to be very similar to her.
Many of the friend groups have various mental health issues.  I wonder if she feels more comfortable when she thinks they understand what she is going through. 

Her counsellor has actually expressed some concern about her attending group counselling as she "takes on" behaviours/problems of others easily, and gets quite upset by other's problems. 

Our approach has been to be as accepting as possible, as long as the group does not seem to be dangerous.  We ask about the other kids and try to get a feel for them.   Open-ended questions that make her think about their qualities, rather than us pointing things out seems to work best.   Any time we have seemed judgemental in any way, it seems to make them that much interesting t her, and she will defend them intensely. 

This is a long journey, but I'm glad that I found this group.   It really helps to know we're not alone!  Hang in there! 

[MomMae]

Hi 1hope,

When my BPD daughter was a little younger and undiagnosed, around 16-17, she was recommended for group youth counselling after a trip to emergency.  I did not want her in group counselling as I knew in my heart that it would just make matters worse as she, like your daughter, would take on the behaviours and problems of others.  Funny how they never seem to choose the desirable traits to mimic... .  I was made to feel that I was holding her back from getting help for this view, but I know I was right!  The fact that your daughter has an insightful counsellor who is concerned about group counselling being more detrimental than helpful to your daughter shows that she is probably a good fit and understands BPD. I am not saying that group therapy is always bad, just in some cases it is not the way to go.  More recently my daughter did attend group for crisis management and now that she is more mature (20) she was able to take a step back from the problems of others in the group (probably helped that the others were mostly adult women at least a decade or two older than my dd)

I wish you and LexiMae all the best in your quest to help your young daughters.  It seems our daughters have much in common in their BPD traits.

MomMae xo

[Bright Day Mom]

I understand what your family is going thru and am truly sorry.  The one advantage you have is her youth as getting her appropriate treatment now improves your chances of a better recovery   My DD17 will be 18 in Jan. and that scare the -ell out of me.  She will then be in the driver's seat in terms of the health care system and we parents will solely be along for the ride.  So, take advantage of this time.

I used to feel same as you in terms of hair color;   hence, used to. Until I realized it is only TEMPORARY, if this is the worse my kid is going to do, I consider myself lucky!  So when she was probably 15 I said go for it, even drove her to the store to choose colors.  I even help her sometimes with the process! 

Thru our journey I've learned to choose my battles wisely and that in itself was a hard thing to do and I still sometimes find myself struggling and am not perfect by any means.  Kids with BPD have difficulty making and keeping friends. My D has 2 friends since young childhood, but considers her closest friends those that have similar struggles/challenges.  I do allow her to hang out with them, as they provide support to each other and understand each other on a different level.  I found this to really help with her depression too, getting out, being with friends is often better than any anti depressant.  Don't get me wrong, if I had an inkling of risky behavior: drugs, alcohol, sex this would not be the case, but the kids are generally at one of our houses, go out for a bite to eat, movie, etc.

You are doing a great job getting educated and intervening early hopefully someday she will thank you for it.  If not, at least you know you've done your absolute best.

Bright Day Mom

[LexiMae]

Thank you Bright Day Mom and 1hope for your reply!  I appreciate your insight and advice as well as MomMae too!  I'll do whatever it takes to help my daughter!