Family occassions have become painful

[Parents! Get help here!]

It seems like all family occasions have become just another occasion for my daughter to hurt us. And it does feel purposeful as it had now become her pattern.  My son (her brother) is coming home today and we are having a family dinner tonight to celebrate his 23rd birthday. He just recently graduated university, started a job in a city 2 hours away and no longer lives in the family home (for the past 5 years he was only home for a month at Christmas and April - August).  BPD dd20, has not seen her brother since Christmas... .and that ended with a terrible and dramatic departure from our lives by her on New Years Eve.  She also blew off her nonBPD sister on her birthday, my birthday, Mother's Day and Father's day.

So of course, she is blowing off her brother's birthday too, and the chance to see her grandparents.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised (I'm not, truth be told) but it hurts my heart so much.  We have always been a very close family.  We have all rallied around her during her latest drama of an unplanned pregnancy ending in a traumatic miscarriage. We have since accepted her despicable bf as much as possible, even having her and him over for an impromptu Canada Day celebration last weekend.  I was truly beyond welcoming and nice to him - I actually felt bad the next day because I was nicer than he deserved (have never felt that I had been "too nice" to anyone before, but if there was time for his back story, it would become clear). My nonBPD daughter concurred that I WAS too nice to him!  We have been allowing her to stay here weekdays and then go with him to his hovel in the garage at his mother's place on weekends because his mom has said dd cannot live there until she is mentally and physically healthy (she weighs 100lb at 5'6" - major cause of the miscarriage no doubt.  She eats like a horse when she is at our home).  So despite all this and much, much more she blows off yet another family event.  And is ignoring my texts once again.

So that's where I am at.  Had made much headway in the couple months I was on here. Now with my dd blowing me off and other things going on in my life that I can't post here that have left me feeling rejected and hurt, I feel so alone.  Again.  But must put on the false happy face for the rest of the family and get on with things.  Thanks for listening to those who care.  MomMae

[MomMae]

It seems like all family occasions have become just another occasion for my daughter to hurt us. And it does feel purposeful as it had now become her pattern.  My son (her brother) is coming home today and we are having a family dinner tonight to celebrate his 23rd birthday. He just recently graduated university, started a job in a city 2 hours away and no longer lives in the family home (for the past 5 years he was only home for a month at Christmas and April - August).  BPD dd20, has not seen her brother since Christmas... .and that ended with a terrible and dramatic departure from our lives by her on New Years Eve.  She also blew off her nonBPD sister on her birthday, my birthday, Mother's Day and Father's day.

So of course, she is blowing off her brother's birthday too, and the chance to see her grandparents.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised (I'm not, truth be told) but it hurts my heart so much.  We have always been a very close family.  We have all rallied around her during her latest drama of an unplanned pregnancy ending in a traumatic miscarriage. We have since accepted her despicable bf as much as possible, even having her and him over for an impromptu Canada Day celebration last weekend.  I was truly beyond welcoming and nice to him - I actually felt bad the next day because I was nicer than he deserved (have never felt that I had been "too nice" to anyone before, but if there was time for his back story, it would become clear). My nonBPD daughter concurred that I WAS too nice to him!  We have been allowing her to stay here weekdays and then go with him to his hovel in the garage at his mother's place on weekends because his mom has said dd cannot live there until she is mentally and physically healthy (she weighs 100lb at 5'6" - major cause of the miscarriage no doubt.  She eats like a horse when she is at our home).  So despite all this and much, much more she blows off yet another family event.  And is ignoring my texts once again.

So that's where I am at.  Had made much headway in the couple months I was on here. Now with my dd blowing me off and other things going on in my life that I can't post here that have left me feeling rejected and hurt, I feel so alone.  Again.  But must put on the false happy face for the rest of the family and get on with things.  Thanks for listening to those who care.  MomMae

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Mommae I really hear you.   My family never was much for holidays and celebrations growing up, my parents I think thought they were sort of manipulations or something, and I can see that in some ways that saves so much pain.  Mother's day, Father's day - the expectation that this one day, after all the work and investment, that now is the time to show appreciation - I think those days were the most painful for myself and my husband this year!  Though in some ways they were nice, we had a lovely time with the kids who did join and participate, the rejection by the one who chose not to come by or call was really painful and led to more estrangement (though she did send a text).  And I know that one, began a lot of her bad behavior on her birthday as a teen when she got yelled at for something, so again a holiday and disappointed expectation led to pain.

All I can really think of to say is you are not alone!  Enjoy your family members who you can enjoy spending time with, and try to have enough distance to be kind to your dd and assure her of some level of always being there for her (ie she will not be abandoned).

Sometimes I join a forum of people with BPD who talk about things.  It can be frustrating as some posters are just venting and agreeing with cutting people off, etc, but others are insightful and talk about the pain and self-hatred and how to make sure they are a good person.  One talked about how they hate that they periodically 'split black' family members and push people away, and then later want them back; so sometimes some people get self-awareness of doing that, and work to stop.  The person who posted about this said some medication helped, but I didn't get to find out what that was.

[Lollypop]

Hi momae

I'm so very sorry and I do understand. Incadove is right about the expectations of celebrations. For what it's worth my DS26 said on the morning of Fathers Day (I'd planned a family few hours together) "I want to come along but I don't want to come at the same time. If I don't come along then I'd know I'd regret it but if I do join you I won't enjoy it because I feel bad today".

That's it in a nutshell. There's no win win. He chose to join us but spent most of his time asleep, monosyllabic, no eye contact, face down making it obvious he was there with us in a physical sense only. He loosened a little on the journey home.

We didn't react, gave him space, included him. We didn't let his behaviour ruin our day but it definitely did impact on it. All of us would rather he not be there when he's like that.

I've no answers momae. It's a difficult one as I find myself holding my breath constantly at celebrations. Feeling sad or resentful is part of the territory. I'd go so far to say that this is my number two problem, sitting just behind drug abuse. It's a biggy for me personally.

You are not alone. I care. It sounds like you've got a lot of things going on and sometimes it'd be nice to just be able to enjoy some family time without any stress. You've said your daughter's stepped back - how are feeling today? Sometimes a little space is good, no?

Your friend LP

[MomMae]

Thank you Incadove, Lollypop and abhi2940 for your caring replies.  It really does help to know that others get it and care. Our birthday celebration for my son was very nice, despite the elephant in the room.  I just don't remember what it feels like to be truly happy anymore - there is always that little jab in the heart. 

I think I will just wait for BPD daughter to contact me next.  I sent her four texts yesterday and have not heard back.  She always claims that texts are spotty when she is at BF place so I send repeats.  I do not want to regress back to giving her the control of being able to hurt by ignoring me.  Like we have done something to her.

Again, thanks for the empathy, personal stories and reflections. I do appreciate it.   MM

[Gorges]

I am glad your had  peaceful celebration.  We just had a family celebration that was a bit of the opposite.  My daughter brought up another crises and my mom justified and normalized her behavior.  Then started yelling at me that I was an "unnatural" mother.  I guess the BPD might run in our family.  I should have not got involved in talking about my daughter's crises with my mother.  Now, I have a reason to not do this in the future and I hope that I can have enough self control to do this.  I will try to tell myself that I open myself up to unhelpful judgement if I discuss these issues with my mother.  Also, I cannot control the advice she gives my daughter.

[Worried Mom23]

MomMae... I know your pain all to well except mine is the opposite.  My dd26 insists on coming to family functions only to end up ruining the day for most of us in some way. I have always made excuses for her behavior and figured out she was BPD a couple of yrs ago she has just recently got the official diagnoses.  I stress myself out so bad days before the holiday knowing something will happen.  JULY 4TH WAS the worst for us most of my family now knows as I had to tell them because of the explosive anger she demonstrated toward my brother and his wife.  She ended up tearing out of my driveway and would have killed anyone if they had got in her way.  I have contemplated not ever celebrating anything again, it's to painful and stressful, not to mention  at this point who would come if they know she will be there and risk being at the end of that anger.  I have always been a big fan of family gathering.  I sometimes wish she would just not come if she can't control herself but then i have the other side tugging at me she is my daughter and I love her and don't want to hurt her by not including her... i feel like there is no answer anymore... and feel pulled in 2 direction.  I'm sure my brother and his family will never come to my home again esp. If she is gonna be there and I can't can't blame them. Hugs your not alone

[incadove]

MomMae... I know your pain all to well except mine is the opposite.  My dd26 insists on coming to family functions only to end up ruining the day for most of us in some way. I have always made excuses for her behavior and figured out she was BPD a couple of yrs ago she has just recently got the official diagnoses.  I stress myself out so bad days before the holiday knowing something will happen.  JULY 4TH WAS the worst for us most of my family now knows as I had to tell them because of the explosive anger she demonstrated toward my brother and his wife.  She ended up tearing out of my driveway and would have killed anyone if they had got in her way.  I have contemplated not ever celebrating anything again, it's to painful and stressful,

Mom23 so sorry to hear it.  That is so hard to have to decide between daughter and family members.  If she only recently got the official diagnosis maybe she will start therapy and be able to make some progress? 

I wonder what other families do, on holidays to make it easier.  I've thought about trying to get together with dd ahead of difficult trips to provide advance support, but haven't really been able to do that.  I am fortunate that my dd's try to act in principled ways but the feelings are there, and sometimes they express them sort of quietly in a negative way to other family members, which is also difficult for me; and one just avoids any family gathering.  But its better than blowing up or acting out.

Mommae I've been reading a lot of buddhism stuff recently, trying to do the metta (lovingkindness) meditations some, they seems designed for these feelings.  One day after doing that I had feelings of happiness and joy and realized those were things I hadn't felt in a while!  Its not really hocus-pocus its just sort of trying to focus the mind, seems like at least it can't hurt :-)  Good luck with everything!

[MomMae]

Reading the caring replies helps me so much - thank you, thank you!

Gorges, this quote from you really resonated with me:

I should have not got involved in talking about my daughter's crises with my mother.  Now, I have a reason to not do this in the future and I hope that I can have enough self control to do this.  I will try to tell myself that I open myself up to unhelpful judgement if I discuss these issues with my mother.

This is exactly me and my mother as well! And I totally know what you mean about trying to have enough self-control to not overshare with your mother what is going on with DD.  My mom is so judgemental about everything I do in my life and always has been.  My husband, who is very supportive of me, has wisely told me for years to not tell my mom things as I always end up feeling worse. I don't always listen to his advice. She has gotten a bit better lately, probably because of a combination of things - that I have tried to stop oversharing (not always successfully), she has witnessed some of daughter's unexplainable erratic behaviour and the fact that I have called her out on her judgements on this and other issues.

Worried Mom,

I understand what you are saying about wanting her there and not wanting her there at the same time.  Us mothers are definitely in a no-win situation.  I, too, was always a big fan of family gatherings and celebrations - they were always wonderful affairs for our family and something my children looked very forward to.  Then problems in the extended family started five years ago when I finally told my older brother that I would not put up with his rages any longer and he cut contact(now that I know about BPD, I am sure that he has it, too, among other things). So celebrations had become more compact with just my immediate family, but still joyous.  Now, with dd ignoring family occasions (and I think this is a purposeful, hurtful thing that she does to us to exercise control), I, too, stress for days (or longer) before the event.  I want to stop allowing other negative people  to control how I feel, but am struggling with this.  My 19 year old non-BPD daughter loves celebrating, too, and I need to learn to embrace that celebrating with those who are joyous is better than a tension-filled event with people who don't care if they ruin it for others.
 
Icadove, Thank you for reminding me to practice looking for the joy in life:

Mommae I've been reading a lot of buddhism stuff recently, trying to do the metta (lovingkindness) meditations some, they seems designed for these feelings.  One day after doing that I had feelings of happiness and joy and realized those were things I hadn't felt in a while!  Its not really hocus-pocus its just sort of trying to focus the mind, seems like at least it can't hurt :-) 

Ironically, when my life was comparatively good and happy compared to today, I would read books on Buddhism among other inspirational/spiritual things and could find joy in just sitting in my garden relishing in how the sun danced off the foliage.  I need to get back to inspiring my mind and body with these things again.  In some ways it is like I have taken on my BPD daughter's (and other extended family members' pessimistic outlook on life and I need to get back to my more natural state, if even just for some of the time. Thank you, Incadove, for reminding me. 

[incadove]

Hi Mommae I just wanted to share a solution that worked for me today - its my birthday, and yesterday I figured it out - instead of doing a party, I went to volunteer at a refugee day care center I know, I love the kids there and they are so bright and receptive and appreciative of time and attention.  I got them all inexpensive journals and pens, and one non daughter went with me, and we just spent about 2 hours playing and working with the kids.  Got such a good feeling after, and my non daughters did nice things for me all day, and my two dd's sent me nice texts (they aren't talking to each other and my husband isn't talking to one of them so having a get together would have been sort of impossible, and I had been having some negative feelings on and off for the days before). 

But this was so much better than Mother's Day, when I tried to arrange something and wasn't able to, and I expected more and felt bad.  Today I just planned ahead for myself and let people know what I was doing but that there really was no pressure to join me, just would be lovely to hear from them, and then I was able to lower expectations and just enjoy the day. 

I still want to have family celebrations but it seems easier to do it on holidays that aren't for any one person, as they are less weighted and trigger less bad feeling. I think its the expectation of feeling special or important and being disappointed that is most painful, at least for me, and I'm grateful I was able to not have that for today. 

I hope its not hurtful for me to share a successful story, recently things have been better for me so I have more happy feelings to share instead of the pain and hurt that brought me to this board.  And I know that when in that space, I needed empathy more than anything.  And I really resonated with it feeling worse when having to put on a false face.  I hope you have someone close you can be real with, and you can share here. 

 One thing to remember, I don't know about your dd, but mine I think avoid family situations because of their own pain and feeling overwhelmed and/or rejected, I don't think they do it to be hurtful.  I don't know your daughter but often that desire to reject is from feeling rejected.  When I remember that it helps me.  Good luck and tell me if I am too preachy ok? 

[MomMae]

Happy Birthday, Incadove!  I love that you planned a day of doing volunteer work that you enjoy - and that one of your daughters was able to join you! What a great idea, and a brilliant way to take charge of the day.  I am glad that you shared your success story - it is good to hear how someone who understands the pain of having a child with this illness has found a successful way to deal with potentially hurtful occasions.  I don't find it preachy at all - on the contrary I appreciate you sharing it.  We need all the hopeful ideas we can get!  Thank you, Incadove   MM

[Slwinner]

I feel for you. I support you. My daughter creates crisis whenever there is a family gathering. She causes chaos that takes our attention away from the family member we are celebrating. I have had enough of it. She is no longer invited. Breaks my heart but dad and grandparents and aunts and uncles got sick of the ___. Her behavior is of course my fault so I concede and leave. As does she. Sets us up for days of nonsense. I am out of it at this point by choice. Need to save myself right now. I just wish her mental illness was understood. I am the only one advocating for her even with her family. They do not get it. Only I do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Thank you for the support, Slwinner.  I am sorry that family celebrations are difficult for you, too. I agree that sometimes we have to save ourselves, put our own needs first.  I think I need to find a solution somewhere in between Incadove's suggestion of planning other events (this could work for my own special days) and finding a way to just accept that she probably won't be there.  My brother, who had an addiction to prescribed painkillers, was absent for probably 80 percent of our family gatherings for 15 years, as he was always "sick" in bed.  We just knew this was the way it was. I need to get to that point with my daughter, too.  I'm sure it will come, as this is something new with her, within the last year.   

[incadove]

Thanks Mommae!  this board has been a lifesaver for me.