Post breakup/hating each other into a point of no return- as a good thing

[cbm419]

I'm in an interesting situation with my diagnosed BPDx.  we've been fully broken up since January, with the relationship unraveling all through 2016. periods of NC but mostly LC.

I've posted here before on the post break up contact- its a dangerous game of chicken.  We either speak civilly, for a short period, and usually veer to one of two extremes: outward negative bashing of one another, or unreasonably nostalgic romanticizing about our r/s and a potential future (very dangerous territory).  He is a low functioning BPD with substance abuse issues, sex addiction issues (cheating was very very common inside our relationship), is a cutter, becomes physically abusive during rages (landed me in a hospital a couple times). But, as many here experience, when all is well in these relationships, its smooth sailing in an ocean of blissful affection, sex, intimacy.  its a very confusing dynamic.

Anyhow, recently we've been distancing ourselves, and having a lot less of the positive contact.  What would have been our 4th anniversary last week came and went - with him begging me to come see him 100 miles away, even just as a friend.  I refused to even have  a phone call or even extensive texts.  It was over this weekend that I realized, 7 months out of this relationship:

we now hate each other to the point of no return.  Totally FUBAR.  no going back.

There is no amount of healing or discussion that would sew this baby back together and breathe life.  We've both been having one night stands, we both have trashed each other so much to our own friends/families.  We have gotten to a point with our own communication that is beyond "breakdown" - it is disintegrated.

There is just no coming back.  And I feel so liberated by this realization.  When my mind tries to do the mental acrobatics of steps that could be taken, amends that could be made, new boundaries to set- its just BLANK.

Before, I'd always be able to make a quick list of things that could be talked over, forgiven, strategies that could be set up, a time frame where I could let go of the cheating, the rages, the overall dysfunction. I'd make all these promises to myself, limits I could handle, and then discuss all of these with him and say "okay, lets give this another shot." Obviously, those goal posts began moving the moment the deal was set.

Also, I noticed in past recycles he could never fully let go (though he would say he was or did) the pain of those prior break up moments. I should have realized several recycles ago that this was the case.  We'd get to one of those familiar rage moments and this would always come up. Of course, heaven forbid he realize that it was a shared pain and I did not break up without reason... .especially with the chronic cheating and abuse.

But now I get it.  He'll never be able to validate my pain or my heartbreak because he is incapable of validating himself to begin with.

anyway, sorry for the free flow of thought.  this feeling, as dark as its roots are, has such a light, loftiness about it. I try to press go in my head, and instruct my trusty mind to start jumping through the proverbial hoops back to him... .and it doesnt work.  it wont work.  There is no way back and its over.  That feels so so so good!

Hope my story may help other detachers to the same realization.  once its done with these people, its done for good.  It will only ever work again on their terms- which are crazy terms that will always change and ultimately, end with your termination.  The very nature of this illness forbids any thing close to that which is love.

Just go through your head and look at all those exceptions you would make, deals you were offering, boundaries you would often set before agreeing to be recycled and ask A) is that the type of relationship i want? B) are these new rules even going to stick? C) Can I envision what I'm offering erasing all of the negativity the on/off has added to an already near impossible relationship?

I can finally say no to all three.  Question C was always what kept me coming back for more.  Finally, there is no path back, and I can feel him slowly leaving that space in my head he had free rent of for so so long.

[roberto516]

Good topic. I remember when I was raging and saying not to nice things after the breakup I even told her "I'm saying all this so that you hate me completely and never come back." Well I got my wish. It hurt alot to realize it was over. BUT you know what? Had I not done that she probably would have kept recycling me and I would have been very unhappy with her still. Mine is also beyond the point of no return. And you know what? It's the only positive i take from saying some of the things I said.

[ShadowA]

I thought mine was beyond point of return.

Here's the thing.

Imo. It never ends unless you make sure it ends.

[jhkbuzz]

Good topic. I remember when I was raging and saying not to nice things after the breakup I even told her "I'm saying all this so that you hate me completely and never come back." Well I got my wish. It hurt alot to realize it was over. BUT you know what? Had I not done that she probably would have kept recycling me and I would have been very unhappy with her still. Mine is also beyond the point of no return. And you know what? It's the only positive i take from saying some of the things I said.

You speak of the "recycle" as though it is something done TO you rather than something you fully participated in.

We all move on when we take our lives back and decide that WE are done - despite whatever our exes may or may not be doing.

[Karmajoy]

Great writing! Wonderful insight! I wish I had realized this sooner.  You hit the nail on the head. I was just thinking today of how much of my life has been spent on self- help books and  journaling and just wing paralyzed his fear of what he'll do if I finally get the nerve to leave. It's me time!

[roberto516]

You speak of the "recycle" as though it is something done TO you rather than something you fully participated in.

We all move on when we take our lives back and decide that WE are done - despite whatever our exes may or may not be doing.

It was a poor choice of words. If you look at all my other posts or comments I always say "when I allowed the recycle to happen." Believe me. I'm fully aware of the fact it takes two to tango. But I was not going to be strong enough to resist her if she wanted me back or wanted my attention. And she never fully committed to a recycle because of her reservations about how much damage we had done to the relationship. If anything, I laid a booby trap for future weak and sad self by doing what I did when I was angry with a clear head of how I never wanted to go back.

[Mutt]

there is no amount of healing or discussion that would sew this baby back together and breathe life.  We've both been having one night stands, we both have trashed each other so much to our own friends/families.  We have gotten to a point with our own communication that is beyond "breakdown" - it is disintegrated.

I think that there's another way, someone else mentioned pain, I also think you were both really hurt from what I quoted, I'd suggest either NC or Minimal Contact so that it gives you a buffer so that you can heal without reopening the wounds.

I'm glad to hear that you're out with no intemtions of returning, you landed in the hospital a couple of times, it's scary, I'm glad to hear that you made it out Ok.

[Fr4nz]

I thought mine was beyond point of return.

Here's the thing.

Imo. It never ends unless you make sure it ends.

I think you're right Shadow -- just read what happened to me some hours ago... .