Taking Action

[allienoah]

So as a continuation of my "tired and worn out" thread... .
Chillamom I was thinking about how you said you want to establish trust with your children who hate your bf. I want to do the same thing.
And your saying we should just finally do something really lit a spark in me. I am very sad and frightened, but when my bf did contact me-as you said he would- I listened to him go on. He was still insisting I throw my son's stuff out from the basement. He was still very angry, feeling disrespected... .blah blah blah
When he said that he had to walk away I calmly replied "OK" and went about my business. I stuck to the fact that I am not doing as he wishes. I had changed my mind and was not going to be bullied into doing otherwise.
Today he told me that I forced his hand. Well I then did the following:
I told him VERY honestly that I was no longer interested in his anger issues. He has no right to treat me like he has been and I WILL NOT under any circumstances tolerate it another day. If it means we break up, so be it. He has never heard me utter those words before. I told him I finally found my self respect and will not be bullied anymore.
He is off on a rampage now, but I am surprisingly ok.
I'm sure it will hit me later. I just don't know where I finally got the strength to say that to him.

[formflier]

     


FF

[allienoah]

Thanks FF! I still can't believe I actually found my voice today. It actually feels good to have finally broken through my own insecurities and stand up. Don't get me wrong, I know I have a road in front of me but at least for right now, I can say I am OK.
I have to admit I am a bit puzzled by the fact that he had absolutely nothing to say when I was bringing up his anger issues. It's like I said nothing. He is still raging, beating down but I'm behind my castle walls.
That was such good advice.

[chillamom]

             

Build those castle walls!  Build a damn moat around it!  Fill it with piranhas and crocodiles, !  You did a magnificent and powerful thing today, woman!  GOOD FOR YOU. 

And now the proverbial ball is in his court.  You stopped him in his tracks, and in my opinion, this could perhaps be an opening for him to see your perspective and become more reasonable (somewhat unlikely I believe) OR it will be the beginning of you taking back YOUR POWER and embarking upon a path that heals you and moves you away from the chaos.

More later, I just wanted to say GOOD FOR YOU!

[allienoah]

You crack me up Chillamom!
Thank you for those words. I am quaking in my boots, but holding steady. I did surprise him that is for sure. It's almost comical if it wasn't so sad that he is still going on about me proving I love him by emptying the basement... .I have no words. I just keep picturing this latest hoop to jump through and then all the others that would follow. I don't know.
Just praying I keep this feeling and the strength... .

[Lalathegreat]

Wow I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!

Way to go. 

[flourdust]

BRAVO!

[formflier]

Next time you peek over the castle wall... .remember that it's all bluster... .not even any horses... .just guys banging coconuts together.

FF

[allienoah]

FF there are a LOT of coconuts being banged together out there-I am being treated to the mother of all extinction bursts. But all I did was peek and I am safe and sound behind the wall.
I was actually worried about him, he was so out of control. All because I won't kick my son's stuff out of the basement! (yes I DO realize this is all about power and manipulation and not actually a cement rectangle).

There is no point in even ATTEMPTING to speak with him as he is so far gone.
Just give me strength to weather this cyclone!

Lala thank you--I am trying. It was great to hear from you-I hope you are doing well and getting better every day!

Maintaining a boundary in the midst of a hurricane is very difficult. The thing I can say though, is that every time I repeat my stance that I will not do as he asks-even though a few weeks ago I said I would-I feel stronger and more convicted that I am not wrong, crazy, ignorant, nor am I a liar.

[chillamom]

RUN AWAY!  sorry I couldn't  come up with a more obscure Monty Python reference, but this one works!

[chillamom]

allienoah, weather this extinction burst and I swear, write down everything you are feeling and hearing from him now and FEEL it every time you are tempted to think he is anything other or WILL be anything other than what he is showing you right now!

I was unable to do and as you know am utterly miserable in the midst of another recycle, lying awake every night till 3 or 4 crying and wondering how the HELL to get out and stay out this time.  You are doing so well and I know its so hard.  But now the hardest part begins - fortifying those castle walls so you won't end up like me, depressed and tearful and trapped.

And still, all I can think about is how SAD HE is…nothing about myself,  And that concern for his emotions keeps me mired in misery.   You got this far!  A few months ago you didn't think you would!  And do it for YOU.  Not your kids, as much as you love them, do it for YOU.  You deserve NORMAL  LOL Not that I would know normal if it bit me on the bottom…but KEEP IT UP.

I know this is awful, and if he's anything like mine, when the raging stops, he will manipulate with tears and pleas and promises.  Gird your loins for battle….and make no mistake, you're probably in for one.  But keep those castle walls high and ignore the coconuts, as FF says (makes me want to find my old copy of Monty Python and the Holy Grail…guess I'm dating myself).

Don't drop the damn drawbridge! 

[allienoah]

I am so sorry you bear this horrible pain chillamom... it must be exhausting for you and so demoralizing. You get it I'm sure when I say that I'm a bit numb right now. He has been raging and raging and at one point called and just gasped like he was having an attack. Pure manipulation! I know this because minutes later he was. Sick to screaming, name calling, character assasination... you name it. I am going to have dinner with two dear friends/ who will see I'm upset but I will hold my head up and muster through. He is NOT robbing me of my life anymore. And yes in his eyes I am cold hearted and a million other ugly things. Truthfully I'm sick to my stomach ... .but I didn't want to go home and stew.
We nons really have to stick together for support... it is so very important. I don't know how this road is going to go... but I'm on it... .

[chillamom]

Hi, allienoah,

Exhausting and demoralizing for sure…and I understand the manipulation and guilt that are being thrown your way (although guilt is something he WANTS you to feel, not a justifiable emotion).  Mine also feigned a heart attack on several occasion when he was raging; dropping to the ground and clutching at this chest and all (mind you, he is a strapping 31 year old without a health problem in sight).  I'm the one who actually has a heart condition, and I can tell you that over the years the stress from him has worsened it!

And oh yeah, the character assassination….the least of it is that I am a lying manipulative b***ch who never loved him and just used him (for 9 years), he has made an effort in the last recycle (6 weeks) to cut back on the name calling but when I break up with him which has to come soon it's all going to start over again.

I'm so glad you went out with friends tonight!  I'm taking my twins to the movies and we just ate excessive amounts of BBQ, all the while with the NPD/BPD furiously texting in the background that I. "need to get my kids to like him".  He refuses to acknowledge his part in their feelings - the fact that he insulted them and their older sister, the fact that they heard him ranting at me MANY times, the holes they say punched in the wall... But oh, no, he "never did anything wrong".  I'm actually getting myself feeling sick when I think that I spent 9 years of my precious life coddling this person, tonight for some reason I am just furious…

I understand how you're feeling; I was actually diagnosed with IBS and an autoimmune condition over the course of our relationship, and my physicians  have emphasized that both conditions are exacerbated by stress...   Please don't go home and stew!  Escape into something mindless if you can, or if you're a better person than I, go exercise and practice mindfulness.  LOL, I'm not up to anything constructive right now, but it's good advice I've heard here often.

And we cold hearted merciless monsters have to stick together!  I hope you are having/will have a good night despite it all, and I am hoping for strength for both of us in the decisions that will be held to and (for me) implemented.

[allienoah]

I was able to go out and enjoy myself. I know what you mean, chillamom, when you say even though you were out that you were barraged with text messages.
That used to happen to me all the time. It makes you extremely uncomfortable.
I love when the bf's say they did nothing wrong to cause our children to dislike them. Honestly mine has said " I didn't do anything to them, it was about me and you" as if his screaming at me is none of my kids business when they are right there, or overhear.

Last night was difficult, in that again I peeked out of the castle, and was confronted with a barrage of "reasoning" on his part about why I have no right to change my mind on this issue. And how he told everyone at work about my "basement issue" and lack of respect on my part. I really have to ignore this smear campaign.

It was also hard as he was once again calling me names. I made the mistake of allowing the names to hurt me... .for 5 minutes. Then I came to reality and dismissed any validation of the names. Funny I was posting recently about a point of no return and it looks like me sticking firmly to a boundary and asserting my right to change my mind is actually that point. Call me stubborn, but I am not budging on this.

[patientandclear]

It's not likely to be a point of no return for him. He will very likely give up on this tactic if it fails to move you, and drop the issue or change the issue.

The question is whether it's a point of no return for YOU, or whether, now that you've developed the practice of protecting boundaries around how you want to live your life, you accept his abuse tactics periodically when he tries to dislodge your resolve.

[allienoah]

That is a good point. I do however think it is a point for him. He is very vocal about what he deserves and how I fail to give it to him. He is still looking for me to "fix" this-translation, abandon my boundary. That is not going to happen. So he says I am making a huge mistake as he has so much more love to give me and I am turning it away to be "stubborn over a basement". Again we all know this is about control.
More importantly, you are correct that it IS up to me whether this is that point for ME. I am feeling a bit uncomfortable and uneasy today. I still believe in what I am doing. This is just unchartered territory for me. Usually I have caved by now. Just sitting here though, and thinking of the abuse and drama, keeps me in check.

[flourdust]

And how he told everyone at work about my "basement issue" and lack of respect on my part. I really have to ignore this smear campaign.

THIS ... .is bulls***. It appears to be a common tactic (as reported here and in my own experience) from the BPD playbook to make up imaginary supporters or public pressure or to offer up empty threats.

Reality check -- your coworker rants to you about how his partner isn't letting him control her kids over a messy basement. What would you think? You'd think this person is off his rocker, which is most likely what his coworkers think already.

[allienoah]

flourdust
100% correct about this being bull****.
Actually I thought that when he first went down there and took video pictures of it and sent it to me. Along with color commentary!
At that time I took it as a childish thing he was doing to stick it to me. When he told me he showed it at work, I was convinced he is a lunatic. Of course he asked "everyone" if it looked like a drug den and allegedly they agreed. Now I am no idiot, and just because you have Christmas lights hanging up and 2 flags-American and Don't Tread on Me-does not a drug den make. Talk about a smear campaign. Geez, I kept white Christmas lights up to decorate year-round!
So if he wants to talk about disrespect, have at it, because this has been beyond disrespectful on his part.
It's time like this that I have to ask myself "I am feeling sad and uncomfortable about this r/s, WHY?"

[formflier]

I think there is a boundary issue here that I would address directly and succintly... .BEFORE ever allowing him back in YOUR house.

If it was me, I would put it in writing and have him sign it... .or respect his choice to not sign it... and NEVER let him back in my house again.  Clarity:  This is likely not an "approved" bpdfamily tool because it would likely trigger shame and rage and whatever... .but FOR ME... .this would be a make or break boundary issue. 

Time for everyone to make clear written choices.  It's also very important you get the answer from him... .and not others.  If a coworker asks you about it... .I would express shock and CONFIRM with them that a video of your private space was shown around WITHOUT YOUR KNOWLEDGE OR CONSENT.  Then... .you are too shocked to continue any conversation about it.

It would go something like this.

":)id you show the video of the basement to my coworkers?"

blah blah blah assume he will eventually say yes

Let him know that you will "consider" allowing him back on your property after you "think this through" and see if you can create a "written covenant of trust and understanding" to protect "your family's" privacy. 

This is not just about you.

Consider this:  What if he indadvertently showed something of your son's that would cause your son a great embarrassment... .or worse.

If he says he will never sign anything... .then I would (knowing the laws of my state) send him a certified return receipt letter stating he is not allowed on your property and he will be considered to be trespassing if he returns.

Time for choices... .

He either respects your home... .or not.

But... .that's what I would do.   

I've kicked several of my wife's FOO out of our family house for various things.  It's not about me... it's about the environment that I choose to have my children in.  NOBODY comes in my house and dictates that to me... .

Plus... they already think I'm an a$$hole... .and I'm fine with validating that point of view... . 

[allienoah]

Three cheers FF!
Yes that was a huge intrusion of my and my son's privacy. Honestly there was nothing embarrassing seen but that is besides the point. That bf thought it was acceptable to do that? I'm sorry-that's ridiculous. And it is slanderous as well. Thank you for pointing all of that out.
I really don't want him in my home at this point. He has verbally abused me. He has discarded me. He has refused to respect my boundary. He has begun a smear campaign and he is insulting my son as well.
I really sound off balance but to be honest I am all over the place between anger, sadness, indignation, and despair.
I think the best thing for me to do this evening is to try to do some self-care and not even THINK about looking over the castle walls. Hopefully he was ambushed from behind.

[formflier]

but that is besides the point. That bf thought it was acceptable to do that? I

If you called him... would he answer?

I think you need to "lean forward on this"

Call... be friendly... .

"Hey... .thanks for taking my call... that means a lot to me. (very important to be friendly)  Did you show the video to my coworkers?"

No detours... .no answers to "why does it matter"

Do a couple rounds of listening and then the only thing you say is...

"Right now I need to get back to my question.  Did you show the video to my coworkers?"  Still be friendly... .but a bit firmer... no shock yet... .slightly inquisitive.

Literally... .say nothing else other than "I need to get back to... ."

If he says yes...

said with incredulity... ."So... .you showed the video to my coworkers?" (now shock is important... .no rage)

"I'm going to have to give this some thought, before I say something I regret... goodbye" (click)

Don't answer or respond to texts... .I'll help you with a letter.

FF

[allienoah]

I'm on it! Will definitely do that. He will answer the phone-he will expect me to reach out to "make it right"-as if!
I will do exactly that you advised.
And I would love your help with the letter.

I can't thank you enough. Really!

[formflier]

You've got this! 

No detours... .be friendly... .get answer... express shock... .exit to think it through.

Should he say no... .that he didn't send it/show it.

"Thanks answering the question and clearing up a rumor I heard.  Always best to handle these things directly.  I've got to run... .talk to you soon. "

FF

[allienoah]

So I called him... he answered... posed the question and he fessed up right away! I think he was proud of himself! I followed your guideline FF and got off the phone. He tried to call back but I didn't answer. Now I'm frozen out. It's ok though. I'm home. I'm with my son and it's quiet and calm. No drama. We'll see where this goes.
I am digesting the whole situation tonight and I'm not at peace. I guess I have to be patient with myself. Honestly it really hurts

[formflier]

Good job!  You stood up for yourself and conducted a conversation by sticking to a game plan.

Give it some time... .consider if you want to give him a chance with written boundaries... .if you want a break for a while... .or done.

Make up your mind on your schedule.

FF

[chillamom]

Hi, allienoah,

I have to confess I laughed a little bit at the fact that he seemed proud of himself when you posed this question  - in my opinion another example of how unable he is to take another's perspective (and also probably why he was viewed quite strangely when he "presented the evidence" for the "evil drug den" at his workplace).  I think the question FF advised you to ask was brilliant, and I really admire how you handled it and then moved on.  I can imagine it has resulted in you feeling pretty much at loose ends this evening, because at some level you know that this is really ultimately forcing you to make a decision, and every step you take in the direction you are going may make your ultimate direction inevitable.  Honestly, good for you and I hope I can muster the strength to do so soon as well.

Being patient with yourself sounds alternatively sensible and hard, and I do understand how much this hurts.  Every time I have set any boundary with mine my almost knee-jerk reaction is to check in on HIS feelings and try to soften the blow of what always has been a reasonable request.  I guess that's my co-dependency talking, or as my T says, I'm just too damn nice (I disagree because I get pushed to the limit by PWBPD and verbally react quite a bit at times (although mostly I freeze because I am freaking SCARED of him-which is another issue).

Anyway, more great steps on your part, allienoah.  As the song goes, "Enjoy the Silence" and cherish a peaceful evening at home with your son.  Many more of those could be in your future if you stay the course, and you WILL make the choice that's right for you.

[formflier]

Knowing him as you do... .what would "complete respect" for your home and privacy look like?

I am sure he grew entitled over time.  Is there a time you can remember when he was respectful?

Words matter.  You trusted him to respect your home and privacy... .this is a "betrayal of trust".

Try out that phrase in your head and see if it fits... .if not... .find a different phrase.  Be consistent in how you describe it to him... .when/if the time comes.


FF

[formflier]

Good morning!

I'm hoping you can share how you feel about the action you have taken so far.

Can you compare that to how you felt about relationship decisions of a month ago... .year ago?

FF

[allienoah]

Well I did spend my evening doing as I wished. I feel almost surreal as I have maintained my boundary on the basement issue and will not budge. I agree chillamom that my ultimate direction here is inevitable at this point.

FF complete respect for my home and privacy looks like adhering to what I decide to do around my house, acknowledging when I need my space alone, and not going on a raging rant that stems from insecurity.
I have suffered a complete betrayal of trust from him. Funny thing is -that is what he says he feels from me-betrayal.
On my way to work he called, and I answered. We had plans this w/e to go to a game, and then my boss's home for a bbq. Needless to say, he will not be joining me. He asked me not to go myself so we could "work on our situation". As my gf that lives out of state is in town and invited to the game, I told him under no circumstances am I not going to the game. Of course I am a cold-hearted you-know-what.

I maintained my stance on the basement. He accused me of being passive-aggressive. I disagree. He also informed me that although I told him I wasn't tolerating his raging another day, I could and should expect that every time I "disrespected him or changed my mind (ie not do what I said I was going to do). Well I thanked him for this "heads up" about what I can expect. I think this kind of puts a period on this thing. Honestly?
"Yes honey I will definitely fix our relationship knowing full well that whenever you disagree with me and my opinions I can expect to be drawn and quartered by you"... .Hmmmm. Not happening.
I am now back behind the castle walls, and wondering if I should ever peek over them again.

[allienoah]

I would also like to add that during the long soliloquy about how disrespected he feels and how horrible I am, he also informed me that he will not spend another day feeling as he feels, and he will make my life a "living hell". Nice words from someone trying to get things back on track. And still not even remotely listening to a word I say. I can't believe how I did not yell, JADE or anything. It seems odd how calm I remained.