Hello and Intro

[eagertolearn]

Hello... so glad to have found this site and group.

I am a single mom of three boys (17, 14 and 12). Middle son has been super sensitive, highly irritable since well birth. We have struggled through food allergies and eczema, hyper sensitivity to energy, sound, tags in clothing, socks on feet, severe food aversions and the stuff that comes with being a spirited, intuitive and sensitive child. He was cutting when he was 10-12 years but has stopped now relying on physical violence towards others (siblings and me). The teen years and a high conflict and acrimonious divorce with their dad since 2011 has made things almost unbearable. My joke is that I was dealing with a pain-in-the-butt for so long that it shouldn't have been a surprise when I was diagnosed with colo-rectal cancer in 2014... Surgeries, some radiation and recovery seems like a joke in comparison to dealing with the daily strains of a child who is suffering from some mental health issues.

We live in Western Canada and my kids do see a good counsellor. She recognizes some of his behaviours may be strains of early BPD or a mood disorder or combo so we are starting the process for assessment but she's using DBT to treat him regardless.

I could use support in learning how to manage the outbursts of rage (directed squarely at me)  and how to help my other children not provoke him -- it does feel like we are walking on eggshells on the time. Most recently he's resorted to telling me I am stupid, a f*$&ing b*$#@, I should die, etc... I have become numb to it yet try to set boundaries where i say if you call me these names, I will not respond to you.

I do sometimes question if it was a lack of attachment with me or my inability to parent him effectively when he was younger (and so challenging) has precipitated the issues he and I are having now. I do think that having a fractured relationship with his dad for the last 7 years has had some impact on my son.

Ok long intro, am eager to learn from and with you and to support others with my experience, learnings and love.
Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harley Quinn]

Hi eagertolearn and Welcome to the family!  

Not many would be making jokes in your situation, so I can see that you're a really strong lady and to be a single mum of 3 takes this without the added strains you face.  Hats off to you!  I am sure you will get the help you seek here, as the members who post here can relate to your situation and challenges, share their experiences and support.  So glad you found us!

You mention your son is violent towards you, which must be so difficult for you.  In what ways is he taking out this aggression and how long has it been going on for?  I know you also said that the divorce was difficult with his father.  :)oes the boys' father play a regular role in their lives?  It's great to hear that your son's therapist is working well with you on his treatment and seems to be giving you good support.  :)o you also have friends or family who can help you with the children so that you can take a little time out occasionally if you need to?  It's important to care for yourself when you have a very demanding family life.

The articles and lessons here are extremely helpful and I'd encourage you to take some time to read them when you're able.  The lessons to the right of the page are a great place to start, and can hopefully help you with easing communication with your son.  I'm sure other members will have a wealth of advice for you too and can share what has worked for them.  It can get better and you're taking great steps towards that in getting your sons counselling and reaching out for support.  Keep reading and posting!    

Love and light x

[incadove]

Hi eagertolearn

It sounds to me like you have gone above and beyond for your sons, and are really dedicated to them.

I could use support in learning how to manage the outbursts of rage (directed squarely at me)  and how to help my other children not provoke him -- it does feel like we are walking on eggshells on the time. Most recently he's resorted to telling me I am stupid, a f*$&ing b*$#@, I should die, etc... I have become numb to it yet try to set boundaries where i say if you call me these names, I will not respond to you.

I'm not sure I have the right answer, but I would say to do something more than not respond, I would set a clear boundary especially with physical violence and remove a privilege or resource that you provide, for a clear and expected number of days. If you decide it ahead of time you can make sure not to respond in anger, but just to enforce the already decided consequence.

its my experience that actual consequences can change behavior.  If he loses access to gaming console or Internet or car rides when he does the worst current behavior, he may stop that behavior and in the process make a few small changes.  I would focus only on one behavior at a time, so that you can also provide positive reinforcement the rest of the time, and are not punishing him all the time.  Just the worst thing, try to eliminate it.  Then after a bit move to the next worst thing.

I haven't seen it on here but I like the book Transforming the Difficult Child, it talks about the combination of consequences with positive or neutral attention.  I find also that if I do give a consequence, then psychologically I'm more able to also combine that with attention, while if I do not, then I want to withdraw myself.  But if I know they are upset that they lost something, I can be sympathetic emotionally while enforcing the consequence and making sure they have a concrete effect of their behavior that they do not like.

Good luck navigating through this time!  I hope you will keep posting here, it can help.  Would love to hear how you are doing.