Please help. Can't cope anymore :(

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello All

I'm the girlfriend of a guy who I suspect has this disorder.

I'm looking for support... .guidance... .if possible, someone to give me the strength to just walk away. Maybe... .oh I don't know... .

This man has issues with anxiety, social anxiety for starters. His other symptoms are as follows and are all around him being emotionally unstable.

I don't know how much more I can cope with this. I literally am at the end of what I can cope with. I feel like I can't take anymore.

He has a catastrophic reaction to minor issues in the relationship. For example, if I do something that he perceives as 'bad'... .he has a complete break down over it. He disappears, doesn't engage with me,  tells me he doesn't love me anymore (again), questions our future. He goes into this strange space and then emerges, ready for a reconciliation.

He then continues to be OK until I do something he perceives to be bad again and then this cycle happens again... .and again... .and again.

So... .throughout our relationship, I find I have become in a constant state of anxiety and preparation for the next time he may just drop on me, out of the blue, and for him to tell me  that he doesn't love me anymore. Again.

Gosh... .this is beyond hurtful. Because I do love him. But I've reached a point of complete exhaustion from it now... .I can't take any more. There's only so many times a guy can just drop you and tell you they don't love you (and all for minor things - see next part!)

'Bad things' that I have done that have caused this extreme reaction are centred around trust/insecurity/my mobile phone mostly and include:

Not sleeping when he wanted me to (he wanted to sleep... .I told him I wasn't tired as we'd only been up a few hours and it was day time. I told him that I would lie with him and hold him but, rather than sleep, I'd read an ebook on my phone or watch a documentary or listen to an audio book. He said that he felt 'secondary' to my phone. This incident from the weekend has caused the latest catastrophic reaction).

I had my back to him once when I sent a friend a text. I happened to be sitting in this position... .it wasn't deliberate. He was in the kitchen cooking and I came from the bathroom into the sitting room to find me in this position. When he came into the room, I engaged with him. He said the position was making him feel anxious and so I passed him my phone so he could see what I was doing. (By the way, I have given him my phone lock code and have even set him up for finger print recognition on my phone so he can access it whenever he needs).

Being on my phone 'all the time'. I do use my phone for texting, Facebook, reading the news, running my online support group (several hundred members) and looking at my work's email. However, it is not when I am engaged with him. For example, when I eat dinner, I ask if I can look at the news (I like to read when I eat). When he is away from me cooking, in the garden or anywhere else away from me, I'll send a quick text or have a quick look at Facebook (I only go on there as I'm a dog lover and love seeing the pictures of the dogs posted in the groups in a member of!)  He takes issue with this and has said that every time he is away, I'm rushing to use my phone... .I don't... .it's more a case of, I'm not allowed to use it when I am with him for engaging with anyone so if he is apart from me, I do it then. I live away from my friends and family - I'm on my own up here... .they often worry - some text me every day to check I'm ok and, if I don't respond, they'd worry.

Another bad thing I did was respond in the wrong way when he deceived me. He didn't tell me he had booked a week's holiday from work. I found out... .and was upset. His rationale for doing this was so that he could dedicate the week's holiday to his family who he felt he had neglected. However, he didn't want to be open about this in case I suggested spending time together and he had to 'hurt' me by telling me he had already booked the time away to see his family (which would've been completely fine, of course). I responded to this without any anger - but I did have a stern word with him which went along the lines of, 'look - I love you but I am not a push over. Do not deceive me again. I'll speak to you soon'.

Another time, I was uncomfortable to do something in an intimate way. I tried my best to do it but failed. He had no problem expressing his disappointment in me. He held me but didn't make any effort to comfort me or reassure me that everything was OK. He made me feel so bad that I told him I'd try again. To which I did and, this time, I managed to complete the task. He was all 'loved up' again after I'd done it but I felt used and violated because I had done something I didn't want to do at that time.

He is constantly suspicious about who I may be engaging with. He is alert to the fact that I am cheating on him (never have, never would have).

I try my best to keep him happy. I try so hard. But... .just minor things will trigger him off and then I have to go through this. Where I am now... .him completely cutting me off, only getting on touch mostly to tell me he isn't sure about us, whether he loves me etc.

I love him. Breaking up would be hard (I have spent every weekend with him and, where I live... .I don't know anyone so I'd have to make a life for myself up here) but... .I literally do not have anything else to give.

In our relationship, I am either the best thing that's ever happened to him or I'm the complete opposite. There is NEVER any middle ground. I'm either perfect or bad. It's like... .when he encounters a minor issue with me, he blows this up into something catastrophic (i.e me not sleeping on that day as he requested and listening to an ebook instead = bad woman, not wife material, not mother material, the worst girlfriend in the world, someone he doesn't love, someone to just dump and disappear on).

When he goes through this reaction, he experiences a mental  break down including severe anxiety and panic attacks. Being restless (just goes walking and wandering). Sleeping badly. Crying.

Other symptoms I have noticed are:

Overly sensitive - there are lots of tears. In a recent incident, on his birthday, he got so stressed out and anxious thinking that he had to go do something because it was his birthday that, when I got back from shopping, he burst into tears. There are tears from him often.

Extremely low on energy - he needs a lot of 'down time'.

Insecurity, suspicion, fear of being abandoned - thoughts that I may be cheating on him, speaking to other men (this is his fear when he sees me using my mobile).

Threatening to harm himself when I took issue with his behaviour - when he lied to me about the week's holiday to see his family, I was well within my rights to have a stern word with him (no anger). He responded to me with one text to say he was going to cut himself (to feel something else and perhaps as a way to prove to me how sorry he was).

Severe stress reaction.

Control - I think you can see that I am controlled. So can I. *cries*. Out of this, I am a professional woman... .good job, good salary, own my own home, quite independent. I'm so happy and bubbly all the time. My wings are well and truly clipped right now *cries*

Extreme clinginess - he needs to be held, touched. This has got better but when we first met, he would be holding me and kissing me whilst I ate.

Low mood/feeling flat and empty.

And a few more, no doubt. I just don't have the energy to even think about this.

I haven't been treated very well. I know. I try to be perfect - I am constantly alert to not putting a foot wrong but... .if I do something that isn't in line with whatever it is in his head - I'm more or less dead to him.

Am I a 'Codependent'?

I read that these people 'placate, accommodate, and apologize when attacked in order to maintain the emotional connection in the relationship. In the process, they give over more and more control to the borderline and further seal their low self-esteem and the couple’s codependency'.

I didn't think I had low self esteem... .but the rest of that rings completely true.

Anyone have a way out?
Anyone have any advice?
Anyone live with someone like this?
Did anything help?

I love the man but I've reached a stage (I did a couple of months ago really) where I'm so exhausted with it. I want to walk away but I'm scared. And then I don't want to walk away because I'll miss him and I love him.

I can't tell you how much it hurts when you love someone and they just drop you suddenly and tell you they don't love you again... .and again. We were planning a baby in the next couple of months - I was looking forward to it so much. And then he just dumps me again - all of our plans just gone.

I can't cope with this anymore. I don't think I can last much longer in this state of uncertainty. A few months ago, I was so bad from one experience that I went on beta blockers for a month. It made me feel so bad I had to make changes to my duties at work.

Thank you so much for listening to me. You should see the state of me - runny mascara face!

Annie xxxxxxxxxx

[AnnieGirlUKUK]

Hello All

I'm the girlfriend of a guy who I suspect has this disorder.

I'm looking for support... .guidance... .if possible, someone to give me the strength to just walk away. Maybe... .oh I don't know... .

This man has issues with anxiety, social anxiety for starters. His other symptoms are as follows and are all around him being emotionally unstable.

I don't know how much more I can cope with this. I literally am at the end of what I can cope with. I feel like I can't take anymore.

He has a catastrophic reaction to minor issues in the relationship. For example, if I do something that he perceives as 'bad'... .he has a complete break down over it. He disappears, doesn't engage with me,  tells me he doesn't love me anymore (again), questions our future. He goes into this strange space and then emerges, ready for a reconciliation.

He then continues to be OK until I do something he perceives to be bad again and then this cycle happens again... .and again... .and again.

So... .throughout our relationship, I find I have become in a constant state of anxiety and preparation for the next time he may just drop on me, out of the blue, and for him to tell me  that he doesn't love me anymore. Again.

Gosh... .this is beyond hurtful. Because I do love him. But I've reached a point of complete exhaustion from it now... .I can't take any more. There's only so many times a guy can just drop you and tell you they don't love you (and all for minor things - see next part!)

'Bad things' that I have done that have caused this extreme reaction are centred around trust/insecurity/my mobile phone mostly and include:

Not sleeping when he wanted me to (he wanted to sleep... .I told him I wasn't tired as we'd only been up a few hours and it was day time. I told him that I would lie with him and hold him but, rather than sleep, I'd read an ebook on my phone or watch a documentary or listen to an audio book. He said that he felt 'secondary' to my phone. This incident from the weekend has caused the latest catastrophic reaction).

I had my back to him once when I sent a friend a text. I happened to be sitting in this position... .it wasn't deliberate. He was in the kitchen cooking and I came from the bathroom into the sitting room to find me in this position. When he came into the room, I engaged with him. He said the position was making him feel anxious and so I passed him my phone so he could see what I was doing. (By the way, I have given him my phone lock code and have even set him up for finger print recognition on my phone so he can access it whenever he needs).

Being on my phone 'all the time'. I do use my phone for texting, Facebook, reading the news, running my online support group (several hundred members) and looking at my work's email. However, it is not when I am engaged with him. For example, when I eat dinner, I ask if I can look at the news (I like to read when I eat). When he is away from me cooking, in the garden or anywhere else away from me, I'll send a quick text or have a quick look at Facebook (I only go on there as I'm a dog lover and love seeing the pictures of the dogs posted in the groups in a member of!)  He takes issue with this and has said that every time he is away, I'm rushing to use my phone... .I don't... .it's more a case of, I'm not allowed to use it when I am with him for engaging with anyone so if he is apart from me, I do it then. I live away from my friends and family - I'm on my own up here... .they often worry - some text me every day to check I'm ok and, if I don't respond, they'd worry.

Another bad thing I did was respond in the wrong way when he deceived me. He didn't tell me he had booked a week's holiday from work. I found out... .and was upset. His rationale for doing this was so that he could dedicate the week's holiday to his family who he felt he had neglected. However, he didn't want to be open about this in case I suggested spending time together and he had to 'hurt' me by telling me he had already booked the time away to see his family (which would've been completely fine, of course). I responded to this without any anger - but I did have a stern word with him which went along the lines of, 'look - I love you but I am not a push over. Do not deceive me again. I'll speak to you soon'.

Another time, I was uncomfortable to do something in an intimate way. I tried my best to do it but failed. He had no problem expressing his disappointment in me. He held me but didn't make any effort to comfort me or reassure me that everything was OK. He made me feel so bad that I told him I'd try again. To which I did and, this time, I managed to complete the task. He was all 'loved up' again after I'd done it but I felt used and violated because I had done something I didn't want to do at that time.

He is constantly suspicious about who I may be engaging with. He is alert to the fact that I am cheating on him (never have, never would have).

I try my best to keep him happy. I try so hard. But... .just minor things will trigger him off and then I have to go through this. Where I am now... .him completely cutting me off, only getting on touch mostly to tell me he isn't sure about us, whether he loves me etc.

I love him. Breaking up would be hard (I have spent every weekend with him and, where I live... .I don't know anyone so I'd have to make a life for myself up here) but... .I literally do not have anything else to give.

In our relationship, I am either the best thing that's ever happened to him or I'm the complete opposite. There is NEVER any middle ground. I'm either perfect or bad. It's like... .when he encounters a minor issue with me, he blows this up into something catastrophic (i.e me not sleeping on that day as he requested and listening to an ebook instead = bad woman, not wife material, not mother material, the worst girlfriend in the world, someone he doesn't love, someone to just dump and disappear on).

When he goes through this reaction, he experiences a mental  break down including severe anxiety and panic attacks. Being restless (just goes walking and wandering). Sleeping badly. Crying.

Other symptoms I have noticed are:

Overly sensitive - there are lots of tears. In a recent incident, on his birthday, he got so stressed out and anxious thinking that he had to go do something because it was his birthday that, when I got back from shopping, he burst into tears. There are tears from him often.

Extremely low on energy - he needs a lot of 'down time'.

Insecurity, suspicion, fear of being abandoned - thoughts that I may be cheating on him, speaking to other men (this is his fear when he sees me using my mobile).

Threatening to harm himself when I took issue with his behaviour - when he lied to me about the week's holiday to see his family, I was well within my rights to have a stern word with him (no anger). He responded to me with one text to say he was going to cut himself (to feel something else and perhaps as a way to prove to me how sorry he was).

Severe stress reaction.

Control - I think you can see that I am controlled. So can I. *cries*. Out of this, I am a professional woman... .good job, good salary, own my own home, quite independent. I'm so happy and bubbly all the time. My wings are well and truly clipped right now *cries*

Extreme clinginess - he needs to be held, touched. This has got better but when we first met, he would be holding me and kissing me whilst I ate.

Low mood/feeling flat and empty.

And a few more, no doubt. I just don't have the energy to even think about this.

I haven't been treated very well. I know. I try to be perfect - I am constantly alert to not putting a foot wrong but... .if I do something that isn't in line with whatever it is in his head - I'm more or less dead to him.

Am I a 'Codependent'?

I read that these people 'placate, accommodate, and apologize when attacked in order to maintain the emotional connection in the relationship. In the process, they give over more and more control to the borderline and further seal their low self-esteem and the couple’s codependency'.

I didn't think I had low self esteem... .but the rest of that rings completely true.

Anyone have a way out?
Anyone have any advice?
Anyone live with someone like this?
Did anything help?

I love the man but I've reached a stage (I did a couple of months ago really) where I'm so exhausted with it. I want to walk away but I'm scared. And then I don't want to walk away because I'll miss him and I love him.

I can't tell you how much it hurts when you love someone and they just drop you suddenly and tell you they don't love you again... .and again. We were planning a baby in the next couple of months - I was looking forward to it so much. And then he just dumps me again - all of our plans just gone.

I can't cope with this anymore. I don't think I can last much longer in this state of uncertainty. A few months ago, I was so bad from one experience that I went on beta blockers for a month. It made me feel so bad I had to make changes to my duties at work.

Thank you so much for listening to me. You should see the state of me - runny mascara face!

Annie xxxxxxxxxx

[forlorn]

Welcome, AnnieGirl!  I'm fairly new to this, too, and I've been reading story after story on this message board, and I can say that pretty much everything you've talked about has been written somewhere in a post by another person on this site.  You are SO not alone!  And really, so much of your story reminds me of myself and my situation.

A few thoughts - I hope very much that you will begin or continue educating yourself about BPD.  This site is excellent and I have found it gratifying to know that there are people out there who have walked this path and found peace in one way or another.  But it takes effort.  And one thing I am seeing over and over again is that the most effective path forward is focusing on strengthening your own wellbeing. I am reading Stop Walking on Eggshells.  It's helping me to add some structure to my thoughts and emotions that I'm really needing right now.

Unfortunately, there's no magic pill that makes this all go away.  But since finding this community, I believe that there is a happy future out there for me.  Either I'll be in a much more happy and healthy relationship with my partner, or I will be happy and healthy without him.

Your runny mascara face is safe here.  I often have one, too. Passing you a cyber Kleenex and an emotional shoulder to cry on.  But I hope you find more than that.  I hope you find... .well, hope.  And strength, and clarity, and peace.

Much love and healing thoughts being sent your way.

[Seenowayout]

Hi Annie -- I'm relatively new to this too.  Very similar experiences with jealousy, up and down moods, and painting me black and white.  One example is exactly like yours -- I couldn't sleep one night, was all jittery in our room, so I left the room and was looking at the news on my phone.  She came out of the bedroom and stormed at me with such fury - I was literally scared!  She's not stronger than me, but the rage was so palpable she seemed larger than life.  She thought I was texting another girl.  Of course I wasn't.  Later, in picking up the pieces, her brother even told me this looked suspicious.  Jeez!

My story has a sad ending.  She suspected me of cheating all the time.  I wasn't.  I wouldn't. She sucked so much emotional and physical energy out of me I couldn't if I wanted to!  But I did end up having conversations and Yoga lessons with a friend -- a girl.  I wasn't allowed to have girl friends.  (That in itself is crazy)  The yoga teacher was good at giving me advice on how to deal with my gf's mood swings and BPD needs.  I kept it secret from my ex.  Big mistake.  During one of her rages I came clean -- and it validated everything she thought she believed in me.  After breaking every dish and light bulb in my place -- she ubered out.  I don't hear from her anymore, except when she wants to show me a pic with a new boy friend, or text me how I ruined her life and she's in Satan's den now because of me.

I guess ultimately my brain knew I had to leaver her.  But my heart just couldn't  -- so I took a very passive aggressive way out.  And now I'm aching.  And yes -- codependent!  Why did I feed her monster?  Why didn't I take care of myself?

And I still miss her.

Didn't mean to make this about me -- just showing you you're not alone and how this could go.

So I am still learning from this and hopefully you will too.  My only advice to you is

1)  You are so not alone -- we all relate
2)  Be open and honest with what you are doing and thinking -- even if it starts another rage
3)  Give it time and learn about yourself -- why are you in this relationship?  Really?
4)  DO NOT do anything you don't want to do.  Take care of yourself!  You're no good to anyone if you're not yourself.



 

[ScottishKin]

I can't tell you how much it hurts when you love someone and they just drop you suddenly and tell you they don't love you again... .and again.

Hi Annie!

You really don't have to. If there's one board on the internet where almost everyone can empathise, it's here. The devaluation for 'minor' things(often followed in the most extreme cases with a 'discard' - I don't love you, I'm done, general scorched earth tactics, complete 180 in terms of love to hate) is one of the most confusing, hurtful symptoms of BPD and its associated traits, especially so when it comes from the person who should be your greatest ally, never want to hurt you, love and respect you.

Congratulations on having the strength to admit you feel like you want to leave. That's a stage many of us never reach as our heart takes so long to catch up to our head that as our BPD SO is on the way out so fast the wind is scorching their hair as we stand there with a confused look on our face.

Surf the boards, read the threads (particularly deciding and detaching). He needs to face the consequences of his actions - your trust in him and the relationship has been eroded and it's entirely up to you if, him willing, you can make positive changes and attempt to rebuild that trust.

But, as I'm sure you realise, that may involve a level of self-reflection and determination to be different that your partner may not be willing to own.

[allienoah]

 
Hello Anniegirl-
Your story, as the others have said, is all too familiar in this community. It is so exhausting, demoralizing and heartbreaking when the one we love splits us black on a regular basis. There is also fear when the rage comes out. I know that the fear I feel during these episodes has literally paralyzed me and I became very weak and submissive in the face of his fury. He never laid a hand on me, but his words have ripped me to shreds.
I am only now starting to gain some equilibrium and am on a cusp of what I think is finally the end of this r/s. You know what finally got me here? I finally found the stomach to say enough is enough. And honestly there is so much support here, that it really does give you strength. Read the posts, see what others are doing/advising, and let it all soak in. I still have a long way to go, but in the months I've been here I have learned so much. Just be honest and patient. We are all here for you

[AnnieGirlUKUK]

Dear Everyone

Thank you so, so much for the messages. I have read everyone of them several times.

I would love to respond individually, however, I am completely zapped of energy... .apologies... .I will do so soon, promise.

I can't tell you how much these messages mean to me. I felt so alone. I have felt so alone. I have spoken to a close friend about this and, although I appreciate their concern, they can't understand what it's like living with someone like this. I.E 'Annie - you need to tell him to shape up or you're gone' or 'Can't you just explain to him how this is making you feeling?'

If only it were that simple. Truth is - I have told him so many times... .asked him to consider my feelings and how it must be for me on the receiving end. However, he can only look after himself (I learned this the first time it happened when I text him to say, 'I'm falling apart' and his response was 'I hope you get the support you need'.

It's so unreal... .the man I love is so gentle, creative, loving, intelligent... .funny, cute, caring... .but when this strikes, I might as well just be something unpleasant he stepped in. Right now - I am dead to him.

This last incident, before he dropped the bombshell on me ('I've been having severe anxiety about our relationship... .I have doubts... .I don't understand my feelings... .the things you do that make me unhappy... .' - he was texting me as usual... .sent me a picture... .told me he loved me and within a split second - I was The worst person he'd ever met.

You know - I just want to scream at him:
'I give you EVERYTHING. I give you everything I have. I protect you. I heal you. I calm you. I wipe your tears. I walk on egg shells. I have made so many sacrifices. My conduct as a girlfriend is exceptional. And this still isn't enough!' (I won't scream this at him!)

The incident before, when I had to give him some polite and 'developmental' feedback about his conduct... .this resulted in the same severe reaction. I thought to myself, 'so... .now... .if you have any issues with his behaviour... .you can't even say anything. You'll just have to put up with it'. I cried for so many nights after... .I thought... .if I wish to keep him happy, this is what I'll have to do. It was a bad place to be in... .to lose my freedom to express myself in this way was traumatic.

Tonight - absolutely no contact from him. Limited contact from him today apart from a couple of messages and him sending me a link to an article on how smart phones ruin relationships (... .my fault again).

Once he said to me... .'something about you makes me feel uneasy'... .I was braver back then and said, 'no... .something about you makes you feel uneasy'.

This from the man I love.  I wish I could make him 'normal' for a few minutes and get him to take a look at himself.

Oh. Anyway. Enough of my ranting.

Again - I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me. I can't tell you the difference this has already made to my life. I'm not alone... .wow. Although... .I wouldn't mind being alone in it because I hate the thought of anyone else having to contend with this.

I want to leave him... .I have to. It will be hell for a few weeks... .but... .I'm already damaged and I don't want to get to a point where it's beyond repair.

I will respond to your individual messages, once I've found the brain capacity again!

Thank you
A xx

[Gumiho]

Hi Annie~

'I give you EVERYTHING. I give you everything I have. I protect you. I heal you. I calm you. I wipe your tears. I walk on egg shells. I have made so many sacrifices. My conduct as a girlfriend is exceptional. And this still isn't enough!' (I won't scream this at him!)

I once blurted that at my gf after she had one of her anger outbursts, under tears. Didn't help at all . (she can't listen -at all- when she's angry).

I'm sure deep down she knows.

Anyways, like BPD, co-depency is a spectrum disorder, meaning you can display certain traits while others are not present at all. To me it helped most to first identify the cause, and come to terms with it (I'm dead sure it is because of my always verbally abusive dad, emotionally crippling my mother, learning from an early age on). You will find great tools and loads of emotional support from friendly people in this community.


Love yourself, and be strong!
Cheer up

Gumiho

[AnnieGirlUKUK]

Hi Everyone

Thanks again for the messages.

I've been reading up everything I can about this condition... .I had no idea that this 'idealisation, devaluation and discarding' experience that I was going through was actually a thing. I can't believe it. It hurts so bad when I read the 'discarded' word. I have been... .again. He's just thrown me away... .everything.

I think he has this view of what I should be... .the perfect woman. I think I was (as I understand a lot of us are in order to stop them from triggering!) a really good partner. He has a fixed view of what I should be and when I do something 'bad' he devalues me and then just throws me away.

How can someone just do that?

I feel somewhat disturbed... .shaken... .traumatised by this. I can't believe the man I fell for is actually this type of person.

That is a really disturbing thought for me.

I want to contact him tonight and to tell him what I've learned about this condition and so that I can tell him that I have found out what kind of person he is. I feel like I want to have a 'last say' before deleting all evidence of him and blocking his number.

Is this a bad idea?
I'm still discarded today - absolutely no contact from him.

It hurts so badly... .I'm crying so hard as I type.  

But... .I don't deserve to be devalued... .I'm a good person. I didn't put a foot wrong. I'm fine as I am. I don't derserve it.

And I don't deserve to be discarded.

I know... .it's an illness but it's difficult to focus on this when I've just been thrown away on the scrap pile.

Is it a bad idea to contact him by email or text to just have a last say... .?

Urgh  xx

[allienoah]

    Anniegirl,

Such a hard thing to endure when you are being discarded. I am in the throes of one as well. All because I am maintaining a boundary. A logical boundary. Yes it hurts horribly knowing we went above and beyond to be good partners only to be tossed as a result of something -big or small doesn't matter-that we did or failed to do. Honestly being in these r/s's is exhausting.
I know you are sad. I know you want to contact him and have a last say. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't inform him that you think he has this condition. I wanted to do that several times, but I think that as he never accepts responsibility for his actions, he certainly isn't going to react well to being told I think he has a disorder. I was looking for an opportunity to bring it up in therapy.
Most important--
NO YOU DO NOT DESERVE to be devalued, disrespected, discarded etc.
Do not blame yourself for falling for him! I fell for my bf because he treated me like no one ever had, loving and gently and kind. That was the "love bombing" stage and I fell hard and immediately. The red flags started early  but I ignored them and told myself he was just "intense" and since my ex was so nonchalant I just needed to get adjusted to someone who truly cared. Big mistake!

Do not blame yourself-I am sure you did nothing wrong. It just wasn't what HE wanted you to do. Stay strong, take care of yourself and feel free to vent on this site. We all are more than willing to help.

[Seenowayout]

Annie --

From my experience -- this is what I would tell you, and what I should tell myself.

You ARE a good person!  You don't need to prove it to him  or anyone else.  Be a good person and take care of YOURSELF.

And I don't think there will never be a last word if you keep trying to have the last word.  He will keep coming back with hurtful rebuttals.

And I don't think he'll never accept that he has this.

I'm wrestling with all the same issues.  I'm mad that her family can't see she has this problem -- like its normal to be married three times?  Like its normal to have a man discarded after all he did for her?  They believe her lies and think I'm the root of all evil.

NOONE THINKS I AM EVIL! She's the only one who ever called me evil.  Tells you something.

So I share your sadness.  You're not alone.  It will be OK

[Jami]

Hi Annie

i'm pretty new here too and just read your posts. As i suppose so many others do, i can fully relate to what you describe. My relationship has ended after the "exhaustion" stage you describe. I too couldn't cope anymore. Though sensing that something was truly off since many months i kept going, mesmerised by the depth of love, by my own attachment, by hopes and faith and goodwill. Nothing helped, nothing was enough. Our last encounter was deeply disturbing. He insisted to come to my place, arrived much too late, didn't understand that i needed to sleep to be able to work tomorrow, started drinking massive amounts of wine, woke me up repeatedly. When i finally sat down next to him in an attempt to (calmly) explain that his behaviour was disturbing, he lost it and started to rage for hours.

Before that, we had a few many cycles of recycling that went from paradise to hell in a split second, unpredictably.

He too has left me several times. He abandoned me abruptly because i hadn't reacted as he'd expected me to, because i'd said a word he didn't like. It took me a long time to figure out that there was something deeper and much more powerful to his reactions... .i understood that he's a pwBPD only when our relationship approached the end. I guess there is no magic formula to give you the strength to move on and detach, if this is what you wish. I've needed so many trials and errors to reach the point of total exhaustion. The understanding that it was either "him or me" finally provided me with the will to raise healthy boundaries and put an end to it. From what i read on here, it seems to be a pretty common dynamic.

After the separation, it has been vital to me to reach a deeper understanding of the disorder, with loads of literature and an almost constant connection with this site. From what i have learned, and i'm just at the beginning of my journey, it may be useful to mentally depersonalize your perceptions. The problems do not arise from you, but from the disorder. The latter may be conceived as a third party in the relationship, and there literally is nothing you can do or say differently that could change the situation.

Trying to talk to your BF about the supposed BPD may not be such a good idea, from my experience (i've tried) and from what i've learned. The resistance you are likely to meet could be harsh on you and trigger a defensive mode in him.

The hardest thing in all this story has been, for me, to accept that i am powerless. That even having some clue (a perceived "solution" and the will to be helpful won't be enough to resolve the problem. That despite the genuine love and attachment, there is nothing i can do to make it work. I think that this is what keeps many of us so hooked.

Other than keeping reading and posting on here, i could suggest a good read: Stop Walking on Eggshells and The Human Magnet Syndrome. I just begun to read both of them, they proved to be truly helpful.

Wishing you well and sending virtual support,

Jami

[AnnieGirlUKUK]

Thank you so much for the messages x
I am full aware that I am coming on here and just ranting ... .I would love to reach a position whereby I can also support others and that is my intention... .promise... .when I stop crying haha!

Tonight - I have ended it. I couldn't do it anymore. So... .I sent a message to him to say this and he responded in the usual way (we've been here before but of course you already know that!)

He told me that there were several things that made him unhappy and that he couldn't ignore the fact his feelings have changed.

I stood strong and just said, 'goodbye'.

And then some texts came:

'I never meant to hurt us xxxxx'
'I will miss you so much xxxxx'
'Please don't hate me xxxxx'
'You're an amazing person'
'You've achieved so much'
'I will learn from you and better myself!xxxxx'

I don't know what this is. I first thought... .I suspect this is the start of him going into crisis mode thinking... .oh Boy... .now I really am definitely abandoned... .I better save this. Or... .perhaps him just saying what he thinks I need to hear now he's done the final split.

When he said that he had to accept his feelings had changed (again) I went on to my phone and deleted all our photos. I have never done this previously for these incidents... .but everything feels very final.

As I deleted the photos, I cried hard. Everyone of them was a memory that flashed in front of me. It was very painful.

I can't believe that I will never see him again... .I won't ever smell him again... .I won't ever touch him... .I can't believe it's over. Well... .I can. It had to be over. I wanted it over.

Our future... .children we planned... .we gave them names... .all gone.

Life is going to be different now... .a different routine. I will miss him (well, the person I thought he was)... .his home... .his everything.

I feel anxious... .dread... .drained  

Oh gosh - I'm so sorry, everyone. I'm going to be ok. I'll just have to throw myself into my work during the week and then get a routine going at the weekends.

I suspect I will feel lonely at weekends without him.


I have deleted my whatsapp account so he can't contact me there. I've deleted his phone contact from my phone. I won't respond to anything that may come through. I am aiming for complete no contact so I can get over this.

So hard to leave  but... .it is impossible to go through this over and over again.

I hope I can be strong enough. Last incident, he told me he didn't know if he felt the same and I cut him off. A few days later the texts started coming through 'this is horrible' 'I hate my life without you' 'please let me know you're ok'... .then he sent me links to songs (I'm a muso) and I fell for it.  not this time - i'm prepared!

Ok I shall try and get some sleep.

Lots of tears on my pillow tonight!

THANK YOU EVERYONE XXXXX

[AnnieGirlUKUK]

THANKYOU XXXXX *cries*

Appreciate all the messages- xx

[pbnjsandwich]

First of all, thank you so much for sharing your story with us and allowing this place to help you through a very difficult time.
I'm sure there are going to be many responses to this, so I'll keep it short.
I've lived with someone who displayed most of the characteristics of BPD. I lived with him over 50 years. He was my father. I know how difficult it is and can relate (to some extent) the pain you are carrying, but as I always say, BPD teaches us more about ourselves than it does about the person with BPD. We find ourselves (limits, boundaries, ideas, courage, defeat, etc,.) in ourselves. Maybe that's the blessing in it.  It almost ruined me, but thankfully I knew at a young age that no matter how hard  tried to muddle through the relationship, it wouldn't matter if he wasn't responsive to it. I learned that his emotional wall was hard to penetrate and that he simply didn't know how to cut through it himself.  It's like trying to instruct a blind person a cross a busy freeway, the freeway being the emotional wall and telling them, "TRUST ME!" They can't hear you in the noise and they don't trust themselves enough to walk a cross, so they freeze in it, repeating the same behavior over and over again.  Being kind to them is important, by being kind to you. :D You're amazing. Just believe in what it is you want in a relationship and communicate it to yourself and the person you're in the relationship with. 

[AnnieGirlUKUK]

Seenoway

Funny that, hey? No one else thinks your evil... .no one else has ever said that to you in previous relationships.

It's so hard.

I'll update more later.

Having a bad day of it... .left my office for an early lunch and came home and can't stop crying  I miss the man I thought he was. I feel this was so final. The end. I know I'll probably look back on this and consider it a lucky escape one day. For now - it feels painful.

Feel like my heart is broken.

Not sure how I can get through the remainder of the day.

My mind keeps going back to so many memories.

I didn't reply to his texts last night and have been battling today not to reach out to him.

Am I doing the right thing?

I think I perhaps need to focus on recovering from this trauma. It's been months and months of anxiety.

Yeah. Urgh  xx

Thank you all so much again xxxxx

[allienoah]

Annie, hang in there. You will find if you try to re-focus on the horrible situations and the name-calling, disrespect and shaming, it will help to make the hurtful moments pass. Give yourself permission to be sad, but also add to that a positive statement about yourself, such as " I am sad over this loss, but I am a very good person who does not deserve to be treated terribly".
I think that is the point I am at now. My bf is looking for a recycle, all the while still raging at me, insisting I "fix" a situation and accept that he will react this way every time I "screw up". Yes he actually said those words. Well thank you for the heads up! I now see he has no interest in trying to make this work and I have no interest to spend the rest of my days pleasing him.

[forlorn]

Hi, Annie!  So proud of you for listening to your inner voice.  Can't imagine how difficult this is for you, but I'm celebrating you reclaiming yourself.  I'd tell you to be strong, but you've already shown that you are!

Please update or check in when you feel you can.  I'm learning from you.

[AnnieGirlUKUK]

Hello All

Well. I survived the weekend!

The first one without him in a long time.

Actually... .on reflection... .it wasn't so bad. There were some hard moments when I felt utterly depressed. But... .I kept busy.

On Friday, our HR manager asked for volunteers to take care of our new garden. We've moved offices and have a little staff area outside with a water feature and a pond and lots of plants. I volunteered (never had a garden!) and was given the job so, on Saturday morning, I went to the little garden and spent some time there. I felt so happy... .that I'd been given this job (ok - so no one else wanted it)... .but I felt happy and at peace with this extra responsibility for some reason. Something to care for... .maybe.

Then I went to a beauty appointment... .then went home and felt quite lonely but soon got lost in a documentary.

On Sunday I attended an art class (can't draw or paint) and didn't feel lonely in the company of a young lady who chatted to me all throughout!
Next weekend I'm going on a protest and, Sunday, a meet up for professional ladies in my area (I have a professional job but have never 'felt' professional... .they're all 'networking' and 'linking up' kinda ladies... .I don't present as that... .I'mquiteinformal in my approach so... .quite different to who I am but I'm going to go anyway).

Waffling now... .but... .for anyone looking in who may be where I am... .you can survive without them... .as I have.

Trying to keep busy.

He has been in touch. Sent me many text messages about early childhood experiences that he feels may be responsible for why he keeps doing this to me. Also:
'I think I have Aspergers or something!'
'I struggle to understand the concept of love and relationships'
'There are many things I love about you but I felt like the last two weekends I was falling out of love but I can't explain why'

I've ignored him mostly and have had absolutely no contact with him Sunday and today despite him trying to reach out.

Just 5 minutes ago - 'I don't know if I can live without you'... .

When I ignore that, he then sent a photograph of him actually having written 'I don't know if I can live without you' along with a photo of us.

I'm not having any of this. I cannot go through this cycle... .I can't take this... .this 'love me - go away - please come back!' cycle is killing me. I can't take it anymore.

There is some insight... .he knows there may be a problem. But I don't have any responsibility to keep going through this. I can't  still feel guilty though *sigh*

I'm going to stay strong and not contact him.

Hope everyone is ok. I am thinking of you all... .this is truly a horrible condition.

A xx

[AnnieGirlUKUK]

Annie, hang in there. You will find if you try to re-focus on the horrible situations and the name-calling, disrespect and shaming, it will help to make the hurtful moments pass. Give yourself permission to be sad, but also add to that a positive statement about yourself, such as " I am sad over this loss, but I am a very good person who does not deserve to be treated terribly".
I think that is the point I am at now. My bf is looking for a recycle, all the while still raging at me, insisting I "fix" a situation and accept that he will react this way every time I "screw up". Yes he actually said those words. Well thank you for the heads up! I now see he has no interest in trying to make this work and I have no interest to spend the rest of my days pleasing him.

Allie... .that is so upsetting.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
What do you think you'll do?  xx

[AnnieGirlUKUK]

Annie, hang in there. You will find if you try to re-focus on the horrible situations and the name-calling, disrespect and shaming, it will help to make the hurtful moments pass. Give yourself permission to be sad, but also add to that a positive statement about yourself, such as " I am sad over this loss, but I am a very good person who does not deserve to be treated terribly".
I think that is the point I am at now. My bf is looking for a recycle, all the while still raging at me, insisting I "fix" a situation and accept that he will react this way every time I "screw up". Yes he actually said those words. Well thank you for the heads up! I now see he has no interest in trying to make this work and I have no interest to spend the rest of my days pleasing him.

Thank you so much for your excellent advice. I greatly appreciate your kindness.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me xx

[AnnieGirlUKUK]

Ps... .this is so weird  

It appears as though when I've gone, he always comes back. He panics. He realises and snaps out of it.

(And then he desperately loves me, only for him to do this again... .maybe if I ask a question he didn't like... .or if he feels I'm too much of an 'extrovert (I'm not)'... .or if I didn't wake him up with a cuddle at the right time (always had to be the exact time he wanted or else he'd think I didn't want to cuddle him and he'd think I didn't love him) or if I took too long at the supermarket... .or if I didn't wear paler makeup... .or if I asked him if I could change my contraception method... .or if I bought the wrong book or showed an interest in the wrong documentary. Or if I made conversation with the check out lady ('she must like doing this with men when I'm not with her' or if I signed up to a class he didn't like... .or if I had to change office... .)

These are just SOME of the triggers. I have truly been walking on egg shells.

My god... .the things we have to go through  x x

[allienoah]

You're doing an awesome job of it Annie-stay the course!  
I have decided that I am going to give my bf an opportunity to "do whatever it takes" to keep our r/s. I know full well he won't. But I will agree to see him, keep it light and then ask what he really means by that.
He is going to have to respect my privacy and property, amongst other things.
I definitely feel stronger. As you found out, after a weekend without him, I am fine. I had my moments, but overall I am good. And I just kept looking at my list of tirades he has had, that kept me real.

We shall see where  this goes-although I strongly suspect once he hears my guidelines, he will rage and be back to square one. This time, however, I am fully prepared for it.

[pearlsw]

I can so relate to all of this and I thank you for writing it. I am being "discarded" at the moment and afraid of being "caught" replying/writing online... .So, for now, only want to offer my encouragement to you. Stay solid within yourself... .these winds are strong, but hopefully they won't blow us down forever.

[AnnieGirlUKUK]

Hi Allie

How did it go?

Are you ok? Xx

[AnnieGirlUKUK]

I can so relate to all of this and I thank you for writing it. I am being "discarded" at the moment and afraid of being "caught" replying/writing online... .So, for now, only want to offer my encouragement to you. Stay solid within yourself... .these winds are strong, but hopefully they won't blow us down forever.

Hi Pearl

Welcome to the club :-/

I know 10000% what you're going through right now. The pain and anxiety feel unbearable... .it hurts so much... .but you can cope x

How are you feeling now? (Sorry can't see the time when you left your message)

How many times has this happened for you... .?

Thank you for your words... .I am completely exhausted... .my whole body aches from the inside... .he is randomly texting me. Only ten minutes ago he text me that his heart is breaking and he misses us and hates himself for causing me pain (this is what happens when i'm discarded... .the fog lifts and he's mortified).

However... .I am coping... .:-)

I feel so much stronger... .if I got a good nights sleep I reckon I'd be feeling pretty normal.

Oh today I was a bit angry... .but I'm coping xx

It defo can be done... .life can go on :-)

Thinking of everyone xx

[Gumiho]

Annie,

Not to sound rude or something.

But I'm sure you read about our kind being prone to go into such relationships, did you?

I hope you will be guarded in future.

All the best, and stay strong in your decision.


Gumiho

[AnnieGirlUKUK]

Annie,

Not to sound rude or something.

But I'm sure you read about our kind being prone to go into such relationships, did you?

I hope you will be guarded in future.

All the best, and stay strong in your decision.


Gumiho

Yes... .I did :-/

Searching for a therapist to try and break the cycle.

You are right... .if I look back, I do have a habit of being a 'care giver'... .

I just want something 'normal'... .not now. When I'm ready.

I never, ever want to go through this ever again!

I feel awful, no doubt look it... .but feeling a lot stronger.

Text before said, 'we both hurt each other'

I just shook my head and didn't respond x

[AnnieGirlUKUK]

More texts xx this is usual... .trying to stay strong so I'll type on here  

I love you
I f*d up
Is it too late?
You do things that trigger me and make me feel anxious but I can't deny that I love you!
I just needed time to work through my feelings!
I just fixated on the behaviours I didn't like (... .erm... .excuse me? I never put a foot wrong!)

He's pretty frantic :'( this is also normal.

Very hard... .the guilt I feel.

Don't think they'll be much sleeping again tonight  will turn my phone off x

[allienoah]

Annie,
It helps to remember that love doesn't cure all. that is a hard pill to swallow, but it has to be ingested.
I am actually doing fine, BF seems to be trying to love bomb again. I am very guarded.
He does keep bringing up "when" am I going to have my son get his stuff out of the basement. I haven't budged on that one. So if it is the "deal breaker" bf claims it is, so be it.
As I have been taught on this site, I have to maintain my boundary or it will be trampled on time and time again.
He tried to justify his actions again, but I had none of it. I have been keeping my space, and while I agreed to see him this weekend, I know full well what I am walking into and how I will behave. I don't want drama at all.

You have been very strong this week. As I found out, and you too, we CAN and WILL prosper without them in our lives. If we maintain that we don't deserve to be treated badly, we gain strength and confidence.

I do know that the slightest hint of temper tantrum from my bf this w/e, I am going on my way. It's not a threat I will vocalize, but a promise I made to myself.
You will feel guilt-that's part of the caretaking mentality that I know all too well. I am working with my T to address my caretaking tendencies.

[AnnieGirlUKUK]

Hi Everyone

Just coming on here and ranting :D

It's been a hard night  

I had a great day today... .felt so happy. I went to a protest for something I care about... .was joined by two friends that I've recently made in the local area (one works with me, the other is the lady who delivers us sandwiches!).

Got home and he started laying it on thick. Now feeling so incredibly guilty  

He's begging for me not to leave him and is saying things that are really upsetting... .'love will prevail'... .'don't throw us away... .please... .I will get help'... .'what about the children we planned? Our baby!'... .

I've had to be really firm and say... .this time I'm not coming back. Now he's in complete denial. Saying, 'no. We'll meet. We'll take each other's hands. We'll speak. We go back to love'  

I've pushed back and said... .well, in short that I need to break the cycle and that he does need to get help. Told him I didn't feel the same but I still cared about him... .I've been traumatised so much that I can't go back. That I was taking control and breaking the cycle. He said this crushed him, killed him.

Has anyone got any tips for the guilt?

On one hand... .I want to drive over to his right now (almost 1AM as I type), run into his arms and make up... .he's always so loving when we've made up  

On the other (which feels the much stronger one!) - I'm taking control of my own mental health and wellbeing and staying firm.

It just hurts to stay firm... .I feel like I'm abandoning him. I feel like I am walking out on him when he needs help.

Then I get scared he may harm himself... .i have crazy thoughts like... .what if he does harm himself... .I will have to live with that forever  I don't want him to suffer  

I hate causing people pain... .god knows why I don't focus on the weeks of pain and suffering he has caused me.
Anyway - bed! :D
:-( xx