Daughter and kidsliving with me

[grandmas boy]

Hi,I am a 53 year old mother with a 25 year old daughter of BPD.  I am disabled and in quite a bit of pain most of the time and also on a very limited budget... My daughter and her 4 year old girl and 6 year old boy lives with me. Their dad is not involved in their life at all nor does he support them. I have been by my daughters side helping to raise and babysit my grand kids. I am extremely close to my grandson as he and I have been through much together in his short 6 years. My granddaughter not as much as I sort of emotionally would not allow my self to become so attached. It has caused a great deal of problems with my daughter as my grandson will choose me over his mother. Just in the last year or so Have I come across information on BPD and read the book Stop Walking On Eggshells and now doing the workbook. My daughter has not been diagnosed by a professional but I'm sure she has this. It makes so much sense now that I understand more about BPD. MY most immediate problem is that in this last year of her living with me my life has been a living hell. Currently we are not speaking. I have been living with the constant hostility, horrible, nasty name calling, lies, manipulation, and now most recently her keeping the kids away from me, except when she needs me. I want her out of my house and am so worried about the kids. Especially my grandson. She is so mean to them.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[grandmas boy]

Just wondering if there are any grandparents out there that have had to get custody of their grand kids? My D is becoming more and more angry and abusive to her kids. She is keeping them cooped up in the bedroom. She doesn't want them with me at all when she is at home. My grandson who is 6 is just an emotional wreck. He is usually a happy, funny kid who loves to be silly and joke a lot. He just sits in the room in the floor on the tablet because nothing else to do. I am at the place where I'm done worrying about my D. She is an adult with 2 kids and she never, ever puts them first. She stays at home ranting and raving and sleeping till noon. I am trying to detach myself from my D and to be honest it's not that hard with all she has put me through. But no child deserves to live like this. I don't know at what point do I see a lawyer and try to get custody, if even possible at all. Please help if you have been through this with grand kids. I know with a spouse it is different but taking a child from a parent is much harder. There is no one else to look out for their best interest but me. Please help.

[incadove]

grandmas boy I am so sorry to hear about the rock and hard place situation you are in. 

I would encourage you to get advice from a social services professional, I have not been in your situation but when its just you and D that is very very hard.

I don't know if the situation you describe is sufficient, but you can definitely find out in your state exactly what the criteria are for child protective services to be involved, and be prepared when that line is crossed.

Also, if you cannot get professionals involved, if she is living with you you can set conditions.  Do you think she will leave abruptly or do something drastic if you try in a kind and gentle way to set conditions for living in your house, such as you need to have time with your grandchildren or they need to have a certain amount of time outside?  I know that setting that is probably going to be perceived as an attack and put down and will set off fireworks.  But you do have a right to do it, and if you can put it in the terms that its simply the rules of your house, that is not reflective on her (when using power, I find it better to do it as gently and nonjudgementally as possible) so take the responsibility on yourself, that you are just setting these rules based on your own needs and beliefs, so not criticize her parenting, but make the requirement.

If you think she will not actually move out, then you can possibly enforce this and improve the kids situation?    If she does move out, can you then move to try to get custody?  Maybe start documenting the situation, if you can do so safely.

Others may have better ideas.  I seem to often move more quickly to actual consequences!  I hope something works, what sorts of things seem to have any effect?

[grandmas boy]

Things have actually been much better. We did not speak for a couple weeks as I did not want to fight. She is in therapy and on some meds that I think are helping. Also things have been fine with the kids. We are not at the point of child protective services. But I have been told it would not be that easy, in fact almost impossible to gain custody. I am hopeful that things will get better but at the same time knowing at some point it will happen again. I find the very best thing is just to not engage with her. Just very hard to do time and time again. I feel like it is really up to me to do all the right things. I have tried to make boundries but she pretty much does whatever  she wants. At some point in the next year she will have to move out. I will try to talk to her when the time/mood is right.