Posting Here Today

[Tattered Heart]

I usually post in the improving board, but today I need to post in here. Today I need to remind myself that there are other options out there and just talking about and thinking about leaving helps.

I'm tired. I'm sitting here at work crying because yet again, I asked my H to help me do something small, like showing me how to put oil in the truck (which I've never done on this vehicle before) and it turned into him ranting about how he has to do everything and this just added one more thing to his list.

I find myself crying randomly. I was out in the yard feeding chickens a few days ago and the thought about the unfairness of my life quickly passed. And there I am, crying amongst the chicken poop and feathers. I could be having a great day and I'll just be driving or looking at funny memes on fb and start to cry. I'm tired of the constant battles. I never know from day to day if I'm going to get friendly fire or enemy fire. The only constant is knowing that there will be some sort of firing coming at me.

It's ironic that my H worries that I fantasize about leaving him for another man because that's not my fantasy. My fantasy is sitting in my house without anyone there. For it to be quiet and peaceful. I wonder what it's like to drink coffee without someone complaining about work. I dream about getting home from work and having only my happy dog greet me at the door. I think about all the things I want to do in my life but I'm not able because my H says no. How high could I fly? How happy could I be?  

And then I think of all the things I would have to give up if I left. We have a gorgeous, beautiful house on 20 acres that we just bought this past year. I couldn't afford it and would have to sell it or get a roommate (who has roommates at 40?) I have very steady financial security. We want for nothing (except the things my H thinks are frivolous like home decor  . Together we have achieved the "American Dream." I love my comfort.  I love my life of ease. I am literally so close to getting my H to agree to a housekeeper!

But is all this stuff worth the crap I have to put up with to keep it? Most days, yes. Days like today are no. So I stay stuck somewhere in between. And in a few days I'll get over this feeling and go right back to the current reality of my life.  

[Jim579]

Hi Tattered,

Oof, how difficult. I wish I had some all-knowing perspective that I could share with you.  My own is not particularly special.

I'm 41.  The property I live on, inherited by my pwBPD, is also lovely. I've been here for 15 years.  Unfortunately, I've found it very difficult to truly engage with the house and surroundings as "home."  When issues come up about cleaning, they're thrown at me, with lots of shaming comments about What Her Grandmother Would Say and other gut-wrenching remarks.  When I do clean, I can't get any help in maintaining an area.  It's true that I have problems in this area (discipline & vigilance towards cleaning) but I'm left alone with it.  When my efforts eventually crumble again (I'm also trying to hold down a couple of jobs, do all the cooking and shopping, drive her and frequently her mom to appointments... .), the criticism comes back on, full-blast.

All of this is taking place is a house that overlooks a lake and has direct lake access.  The house is paid for.  There are no kids or future college tuitions to worry about.

But after all these years, it still doesn't feel like "home."  The tantrums and the guilt trips just seem to wipe out any progress in that direction.

I have friends in their 50s who have roommates. It's given them camaraderie and some income-building capacity.  And it's meant, for them, an option other than getting stuck in a house with difficult siblings.


My fantasy is sitting in my house without anyone there. For it to be quiet and peaceful. I wonder what it's like to drink coffee without someone complaining about work. I dream about getting home from work and having only my happy dog greet me at the door. I think about all the things I want to do in my life but I'm not able because my H says no.


What things does he say no to?  Can you do them without his agreement.

Hang in there.

Best,

Jim579

[Tattered Heart]

What things does he say no to?  Can you do them without his agreement.

I want to go on mission trips for up to a month or two at a time to work with those who have either been used in human trafficking or to help women who are coming out of oppressive religions to teach them things such as reading and writing or job skills. Not really something I can do without my H's agreement as this is a big commitment.

I want to start a ministry to help people find freedom in Christ from unhealthy sin patterns, generational curses, etc. I've already gone through the training for this ministry and have some great contacts. (Oddly enough I believe this ministry could help my H immensely but he won't submit to the process of it).

On a smaller scale, I just want to join a gym, but H says I have to "earn" it by showing him that I'm willing to exercise at the house.

[Jim579]

What would happen if you just joined the gym? 

[Tattered Heart]

I would be accused of disrespecting him because he disagreed with me joining (which I would be)

He would get upset about me getting home later (which I would) and anytime I felt like I was pressed for time on things he would bring up the fact that I would have more time if I wasn't at the gym

And he would probably start attacking me verbally anytime I ate anything unhealthy or didn't do something active

[Lucky Jim]

Hey TH, Yes, you have other options and are welcome to post here anytime.  It seems like your marriage is similar to a lot of BPD relationships in the sense that there's a huge discrepancy between appearances and reality, which was true for my marriage as well.  I'm sorry to hear about your sadness, which is understandable.  Hang in there and let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[5xFive]

Tattered Heart,
I was just coming over to this board for the first time for the same reason. Always I want to improve so I'm on the improvement board. I'm sure I can do something better. But here I am at work, crying my eyes out and I'm just so worn out.
You're not alone!
Monucka

[Jim579]

Is there something you could stop doing for a month - let's say you did a trial membership - so that your time commitments still came to the same amount?  I have no idea, of course, how you and H divide work and home obligations. But let's say you normally do the grocery shopping, and that comes to about 3 hours per week (... .it takes me much longer!).

The work & home obligation is just his excuse. We have plenty of extra time at home. We have a farm and the chickens and pigs need fed in the evening but I get off work hours before this is necessary. I have thought about just getting the membership, going on my lunch break, and then telling him I'm changing my work hours. I could keep my gym stuff in my office or rent a locker.

I just hate having to be deceitful. I feel like so much of my life is hidden from him already because I just can't let him in to parts of my thoughts, feelings, activities, etc.

I'm going to take a few days and really think about my options in this relationship. I've spent the day reading articles about verbal abuse in CHristian homes and read many stories of women who were in my exact same scenario staying for the exact same reason and how they made changes. I found some books that I"m going to check out on kindle where I can read them without him seeing what I'm reading.

[Jim579]

I hasten to add:

Supplying only basic nutrition, of course, wouldn't prevent H from supplementing with his own grocery shopping, if he wants something fancier.  Or paying extra for take-out/delivery.

If gym membership, even for one month, is an expense issue, maybe the pared-down food options would also cost less.  And make the net change to the overall monthly budget equal zero.

[Tattered Heart]

Tattered Heart,
I was just coming over to this board for the first time for the same reason. Always I want to improve so I'm on the improvement board. I'm sure I can do something better. But here I am at work, crying my eyes out and I'm just so worn out.
You're not alone!
Monucka

Thanks, lady! What's odd is things haven't really been bad with my H lately. Like you said, it just takes it's toll. I'm just worn out from having to constantly think about using the tools and his need for attention. I'm about to get off work and I have errands to run. One of those errands is going to include going to find a nice shady spot near a park, locking the doors, and taking a nap because once I get home he wants all my attention.

[DaddyBear77]

TH... .     

I've been here on these boards for a little over 6 months now. When I came here, I spent a majority of my time on Improving. It was really important that I give this everything I've got. And then I realized something really important. A romantic relationship, for me, MUST involve reciprocity. There was no effort or even awareness on the part of my pwBPD. Maybe you're being struck with that. Maybe things are shifting for you. In any case, I'm glad you posted here because, honestly, I spend very little time on improving anymore - it's too painful.

I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. I do have a lot of compassion and hugs and understanding of what you're truly going through. I hope you can find some space and time to reflect for yourself. Your life is too important to let pass you by un-lived. I may not have the same spiritual grounding that you and others have, but I would imagine that's what He would say too.

 

~DaddyBear77

[formflier]

he wants all my attention.

This got my attention... .

So... .what happens if you let him know you are tired and will be napping for an hour.  Are there kids at home... .other noise... .?

FF

[formflier]

Tattered Heart,

Could you take a few minutes and catch me up on where your are at in your r/s.  I see you came over from improving.

I'm interested in the "structural" things in a r/s.

Do both earn money?  Bank accounts, joint and separate.

Kids? 

Do both work full time?  Both contribute to house work/chores?

Is there a religious element to asking permission of a husband to do things? 

Has the BPDish parts of the r/s always been there or did a trigger bring them out?  How long was honeymoon phase?

Either one of you in therapy?  MC?

FF

[Grey Kitty]

Finding yourself crying randomly is telling you something.

And whether it continues, stops, or perhaps resumes will tell you more.

I've got two thoughts about it:

1. You weren't doing it before because it wasn't emotionally safe / possible for you before. You've been here a while. You've used the tools. It sounds like the full-on abuse in your marriage is (mostly) a thing of the past.

When it was worse, you were so preoccupied with it that you couldn't even let yourself feel this, and bottled it up over quite a while, I imagine.

2. Allow yourself some time--to see if as things improve you adjust and recover, and forgive, and remember some of the things you love about him more... .or not.

And mostly... .let yourself feel it. Let yourself cry. If you have a trusted friend or family member who can be with you when you do, take advantage of that if it comes up.