Served with Divorce Papers - what next?

[tennysongirl]

HwBPD and I have been separated since the end of April, with all the classic BPD signs - splitting, denial, victimization... .there was even an instance of self-harm in March... .in our last text conversation fraught with name-calling on his part, he told me he doesn't have BPD and didn't ever consider hurting himself until he started reading about the disorder (which is somehow my fault, of course). Instead, he has PTSD, which I "love to intentionally trigger". He has always threatened divorce constantly in the past, and left multiple times, but this time apparently he's sticking to his guns. Toss in accusations of me flirting with other men, being controlling, jealous, etc... .he showed up drunk on my porch the other night and just slept for a while then went home, and acted upset and hurt when I told him that that wasn't appreciated and honestly made me feel less than safe.

We've been trying to meet with my therapist so he can help us mediate financial responsibilities and so forth, but in order to afford to stay where I am, I have been working quite a lot and it's been tricky to get together since he also works, parents, and has been taking mini vacations. We agreed that the therapist's office was where we would discuss anything major and nothing more than separation would take place til then. He's seen my having to work all the time as blowing him off apparently, because... .

Yesterday I was informed he would be camping in the woods for a few days by himself, and then around 1pm received a call at work from the sheriff who wanted to meet me and serve me my summons. I can't really afford a lawyer and I don't want things to get ugly, but since he's obviously not interested in sticking to any agreements we've made all down the line, I think I should be prepared.

Any thoughts, or tips? I'm just not sure where to go from here.

Have contacted my therapist and waiting to hear back. How kosher is it to contact HIS therapist and express some concerns? Such as the porch incident and his general mental stability right now? Don't want to overstep any bounds, but the drama and drastic behavior just continues to escalate and I'm thinking he has his therapist wrapped around his little finger.
Just really, really, really tired of the drama and threats, the name-calling, the blaming, etc. and I don't want to leave myself open to any crappy situations in court. Thanks, everyone.

[takingandsending]

Hi tennysongirl.

I tried to read up on your posts a bit - you have a shared house that you don't own, some joint (?) debt, possibly some jointly owned possessions (?) and a SS6, right? And your husband initiated divorce after several threats of divorce.

There are a few different approaches to communication during divorce process, depending on how hostile things are. EAR (Empathy Attention Respect) is used when you pwBPD is relatively well functioning and hostility is low. BIFF (Brief Informative Friendly Firm) is used where pwBPD is moderately functioning and hostility is variable. NC for hostile communications. You have opted NC, which makes sense. But it may not align with your approach of using therapists as mediators.

What is it that you want or need in this divorce? I think the thing that you may want the most would be difficult to have - and that is to maintain a relationship with your stepson. I honestly think you would be best to talk to a L and begin to move into more businesslike communication with your husband. Re. his drunken camping out on your porch, that is a time to call the police, especially if you don't feel safe and he would not leave when requested. I know this is difficult, but to protect yourself, you have to move from the drama of being in relationship to the business of being apart.

Have you read "Splitting"? It has a lot of useful strategies and what to expect as you go through the divorce process.

[ForeverDad]

I'm on a long road trip so will be brief.  Mainly this is not a time to be overly nice, overly generous, overly whatever.  Why?  Because your fine efforts won't be reciprocated, well, not unless it is for something he wants.

Unless you adopted his son, there's little you can do legally to have a relationship continue with SS6.  It's mainly a legal thing so that needs to be near the top of your list of questions when getting consultations with experienced family law attorneys.

You could call and maybe his T would listen.  Maybe.  But his T surely won't respond and share personally protected (HIPAA) information with you.  Whether the T's would communicate with each other, I just don't know.

No one can stop him from filing for divorce.  Just as no one can stop you from filing for divorce.  You've told him you want major issues to be discussed together with your therapist.  Because it would be voluntary on his part, it seems unlikely he will cooperate fully.  However, once a divorce  is filed, the court system generally takes over.  Understand that court can be glacially slow, even unfair.  But it does set certain rules and it becomes the Final Authority.  In a way that's good since even though the professionals may not see everything your way, it almost always is "less unfair" than a disordered spouse.

We all wanted nice divorces where all the issues got smoother over with a minimum of fuss.  The reality is different, how much so depends on him, his perceptions and entitlements, as well as on how you handle issues as they arise.

Most here report that court is glacially slow and ignores most issues except a few of the most glaring ones.  Yes, the courts are bogged down but another reason is that most cases do settle eventually.  Likely the court and all the professionals associated with your case assume your will be like most, let the emotions cool down and enough reason will return for a settlement to be reached.  Well, that's about 90% of the cases, not the ones with acting-out PDs such as ours.  One of your goals should be to remind the professionals your is not a typical case and just waiting for sense to return is not a practical option.

Even if it is not a court ordered separation, if he has encroached upon your personal space, such as parking himself on your porch, you are entitled to enlist the aid of the police.  Getting the police report as documentation may help you later if you need to document his poor behaviors.  And think of this as you setting new, firmer boundaries for the future.  Better boundaries is a major part of successfully separating your lives.