No further contact since a FB 'like'...bored and angry

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It has been a week now since I reinstated my ex married lover on FB after a series of friending and unfriending. Guess what? I want to unfriend her again. I am angry and bored and actually want her out of my life. She liked one of my FB posts on Wednesday (l liked her back) and there has been no further contact since then.

I have decided not to give this situation 90 days. I am giving her until 26th July to start talking to me again. There is an event I am involved in coming up on that day and she knows exactly when and where it is happening. If I hear nothing from her by that date I am going to revert to NC. This time I will block her on WhatsApp too. I have reached the end of my tether with this silence.

This time I won't be doing it out of malice but out of self preservation. I have found it excruciating having her sitting on my FB while making no contact with me. I just don't see why i should allow this situation to continue. It is plaguing my every waking hour. I need to detach from her completely and put this r/s in my rear view mirror.

I also don't feel comfortable with the fact that she has access to my wife's FB page (through mine) and I think this is a major reason why she wants to be on my FB page. I originally thought I would do 90 days of this but I just can't. It is too painful and all consuming. The best thing for me and my marriage is not to have an ex lover who is obsessing my mind on a minute by minute basis on my FB.

Can't do this any longer!

[RomanticFool]

It has been a week now since I reinstated my ex married lover on FB after a series of friending and unfriending. Guess what? I want to unfriend her again. I am angry and bored and actually want her out of my life. She liked one of my FB posts on Wednesday (l liked her back) and there has been no further contact since then.

I have decided not to give this situation 90 days. I am giving her until 26th July to start talking to me again. There is an event I am involved in coming up on that day and she knows exactly when and where it is happening. If I hear nothing from her by that date I am going to revert to NC. This time I will block her on WhatsApp too. I have reached the end of my tether with this silence.

This time I won't be doing it out of malice but out of self preservation. I have found it excruciating having her sitting on my FB while making no contact with me. I just don't see why i should allow this situation to continue. It is plaguing my every waking hour. I need to detach from her completely and put this r/s in my rear view mirror.

I also don't feel comfortable with the fact that she has access to my wife's FB page (through mine) and I think this is a major reason why she wants to be on my FB page. I originally thought I would do 90 days of this but I just can't. It is too painful and all consuming. The best thing for me and my marriage is not to have an ex lover who is obsessing my mind on a minute by minute basis on my FB.

Can't do this any longer!

[once removed]

It has been a week now

this is not the long game, RomanticFool.

this is more of the same self destructive stuff, and moving goal posts based on impulses.

having said that, as one who is prone to romantic obsession myself, i certainly empathize and sympathize. the thing id tell you, that helps me, is that it takes time for this to adjust; the obsession will pass, especially if you work toward putting your energy elsewhere.

it may also be that its not merely obsession over silence, but stifled grief. on some level, you are mourning the loss of the relationship, on some level you feel in limbo, and limbo leaves you wanting.

but the end result of not self sabotaging, as i see it, is just the same. want her back on some level? play the long game; let it happen naturally without forcing it. want to be good friends who talk pretty often? same.

in the mean time, grieve the old relationship. you dont have to remove her on facebook or cut her off to do that.

[RomanticFool]

this is not the long game, RomanticFool.

this is more of the same self destructive stuff, and moving goal posts based on impulses.

It's not just FB. I haven't seen her for 6 months. We have hardly spoken in 5 months. It is clear to me that she is fine with not seeing me. It is time for me to move on.

having said that, as one who is prone to romantic obsession myself, i certainly empathize and sympathize. the thing id tell you, that helps me, is that it takes time for this to adjust; the obsession will pass, especially if you work toward putting your energy elsewhere.

I have known her for 14 years. The only way this obsession is going to go is by cutting her out of my life. I did it once before and I feel I can do it again, but not while she is on my FB.

it may also be that its not merely obsession over silence, but stifled grief. on some level, you are mourning the loss of the relationship, on some level you feel in limbo, and limbo leaves you wanting.

There is no doubt I am grieving her loss which is why I am so angry all the time at her. I don't want her on my FB anymore it is just keeping the wound open. I feel the r/s is over and I need to move on.

but the end result of not self sabotaging, as i see it, is just the same. want her back on some level? play the long game; let it happen naturally without forcing it. want to be good friends who talk pretty often? same.

I don't see it as self-sabotage. The damage has already been done on that score. I don't want to be 'good friends' with her. I want her to want me as a lover or not at all. It is too painful trying to be friends with somebody who has done nothing but hurt me. You can bet your bottom dollar she isn't constantly wondering what I'm up to (she knows anyway as she is on bloody FB!).

in the mean time, grieve the old relationship. you dont have to remove her on facebook or cut her off to do that.

I have been grieving this r/s for 3 years. Since she started drinking again. I cannot do it to myself anymore. I do need to cut her off if I am to have any peace. However, I also need to cut her off WhatsApp this time too. I need to make it real NC and not let her suck me back in with melodrama.

[once removed]

okay. limbo and/or friendship is out of the question for you. i respect that.

but as you say, this isnt the first time that scenario has played out for you, RF.

you know that cutting her off will hurt her; and that doesnt make it the wrong decision. but you also know from experience that it will likely draw her out. historically, you respond with power plays.

in other words, i see major potential to repeat the same dynamic, and no one in that equation wins.

if you want to give the relationship a shot we can help you with that. if you want to release with grace we can help you with that, too. the decision is yours to make. my advice is to consider motives and consequences with both scenarios.

[RomanticFool]

okay. limbo and/or friendship is out of the question for you. i respect that.

Thank you for acknowledging how I feel.

but as you say, this isnt the first time that scenario has played out for you, RF.

That is true but things have clearly changed for her. She isn't worried about having a distance from me anymore and so I feel the r/s is over.

you know that cutting her off will hurt her; and that doesn't make it the wrong decision. but you also know from experience that it will likely draw her out. historically, you respond with power plays.

The problem is, either she gets hurt or I do. For some reason she seems to attach massive significance to FB. I attach massive significance to real life. The reason I walked away four months ago is because she was pulling away from me. She told me her husband had discovered the affair and therefore she could not see me. I responded emotionally by walking away. There is no up side to having this affair. There is nothing in it but pain on either side.

The last thing I want to do is hurt her but I am in terrible emotional pain from her silence. The last communication we had, I made it very clear that I do not want to talk to her if she doesn't want a r/s with me. I then cut her off FB and she sent me a message saying 'you have cut me off for the last time.' On Skip's advice I reinstated her. I have felt conflicted and emotional ever since.

There is and always has been an imbalance between us. She seems to thrive when we have no contact and I fall to bits. I have no idea what is going on in her life anymore and she feels like a complete stranger to me now. Even if we were to reconnect, there is no way that we would see each other more. I would just be back in the same position that I always was. With a bit of distance I can see how futile the whole thing is. I love her with a passion and desperation that is unhealthy and obsessional. Part of that is being kept alive by her emotional distancing. I believe my feelings are being kept alive by trauma and pain. I think if I could manage to detach properly I could be more reasonable about the whole thing. At the moment, I do actually want to test her to find out if she has any feelings for me at all. Cutting her off FB is the only way I know how. I am too angry to try to have a WhatsApp conversation because her indifference and distancing will infuriate me.

in other words, i see major potential to repeat the same dynamic, and no one in that equation wins.

We have repeated the dynamic for years. It always ends up with her walking away. I don't believe changing my behaviour would necessarily change the outcome. They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same actions and expecting a different outcome. So I am on here looking for a different way, but the reality is I have already lost her.

if you want to give the relationship a shot we can help you with that. if you want to release with grace we can help you with that, too. the decision is yours to make. my advice is to consider motives and consequences with both scenarios.

What I really want and always have done is her. I cannot bear to think of my life without her. However, we are both married and she has driven me to despair and suicidal ideation. I have apparently helped to drive her to a suicide attempt. No part of that equation is healthy. We were once good for each other. I have resisted at all costs becoming just another friend because that is intolerable. Yet here I am in despair at having her on FB with no contact. I cannot allow that situation to continue without losing my mind. I need to talk to her at least. However, she won't engage in conversation with me and so I cannot discover what is really going on for her. I end up mistrusting her and assuming she is seeing somebody else, which with a pwBPD traits is very likely.

As I said above, I fear I have already lost her. She told me, the last time we spoke, that she was going to the music festival to discover a reason to carry on living. Every time we broach that subject I tell her that my love should be a reason to keep her alive. It was once upon a time. She clearly feels that since I walked away I no longer care for her and has become hostile and non communicative. I, in turn, cannot bear to have her on my FB without communicating. Mobius strip. Catch 22. Round and round we go. To be absolutely honest with you, I feel certain in my heart of hearts that she has met somebody else, I just don't see any other reason why she would keep such distance. Liking a post and then not contacting me, suggests to me that we are now in the realms of friendship and I want to sabotage that in the most brutal fashion. That is my honest admission of my feelings.

[formflier]

RomanticFool,

 

As I read your post I was struck by the sharpness of the pain and grief that you express.  Do I perceive that correctly?

Can we set aside, for the moment, the reasons for or what to do about those feelings?

The grief over a relationship is real.  It matters.  Can you sit with that grief for a while without considering action?

My understanding is that tears and smiles go together.  From time to time grief can seem overwhelming.  The pathway towards balance is not through external action but through quiet reflection over loss and the happiness before the loss.

Yes there is lots of nuance and details that I and others don't understand.  Someday I would like to here more about your story.  I have the overwhelming conviction that now is not the time for details or action.

Now is the time for you to be deliberate about alone time, about your feelings and about quiet reflection.  Let the tears flow and don't resist a smile as those memories pass by. 

 

Best wishes,

FF

[once removed]

For some reason she seems to attach massive significance to FB.

Yet here I am in despair at having her on FB with no contact. 

... .

I, in turn, cannot bear to have her on my FB without communicating.

sometimes looking at our own words on paper can really help see where we are. i think you both attach significance to FB.

Liking a post and then not contacting me, suggests to me that we are now in the realms of friendship and I want to sabotage that in the most brutal fashion. That is my honest admission of my feelings.

that is honest. its understandable.

but it means by your own admission that sabotage is driving your thoughts and actions. how can that turn out well for anyone?

We have repeated the dynamic for years.

if you cut her off, and she comes running, you will likely feel a sense of power again. this plan seems to seek to affect that outcome by design.

RF, i dont think this strategy is either releasing with grace or improving the situation. i think its perpetuating the cycle of conflict. to stop that, you have to change your own approach. it may hurt. that hurt wont last forever. it might though, if this escalates.

[RomanticFool]

Hi Formflier,

My pain is sharp and longstanding. I have tried to sit with the grief for over 3 years. I have been weighed down by depression, only to be lifted out of it by anger and a sense of injustice, time and again. I tried to escape from her clutches 4 months ago by walking away but she pulled me back in by a suicide attempt. My story is well documented on here, mainly on the detachment board. It has been hellish to be frank. I am trying to find my way through.

[RomanticFool]

sometimes looking at our own words on paper can really help see where we are. i think you both attach significance to FB.

Yes, maybe you are right. I reached out to her today and said I was finding it difficult having her on FB while she isn't communicating with me. I said it wasn't doing me much good. She replied: 'Why isn't it doing you much good? Aren't you interested in what I'm doing in life? I am interested in what you do.'

I replied that I'd rather not find out what she is doing via FB. I would prefer to talk to her. I went on to say that I care about her and think of her all the time but I find it very difficult having her on FB when we are not seeing each other. I asked her if she considered the r/s over. Silence.

that is honest. its understandable.

but it means by your own admission that sabotage is driving your thoughts and actions. how can that turn out well for anyone?

I guess none of the above was the right thing to do but at least I haven't cut her off FB again - and I won't for the time being. I guess through all of this I am just trying to get her to respond to me and to want to see me. When that fails, I then go the other way and stick a bomb under the whole thing and try to blow it up. That has been the dynamic for me. One day trying to get her to care, the next day sabotage the whole thing. I guess this is push/pull. Why am I doing this? Because anything is better than indifferent silence. She once cared about me and showed her vulnerability and neediness in this r/s. I was gentle and kind to her back then. She has never been that with me and so the resentment goes on. It was once good for us both... .even just last year but she has changed and I don't know where the goalposts are anymore.

if you cut her off, and she comes running, you will likely feel a sense of power again. this plan seems to seek to affect that outcome by design.

I don't think she will ever come running back. Cutting her off FB is never designed to bring her back. It is an attempt by me to stop the pain in the short term. I guess I feel that is the one thing I can deny her if she gives me ST. I get some very short term, temporary peace from it.

RF, i dont think this strategy is either releasing with grace or improving the situation. i think its perpetuating the cycle of conflict. to stop that, you have to change your own approach. it may hurt. that hurt wont last forever. it might though, if this escalates.

One thing I am absolutely certain about with her, is that there will be no releasing with grace. She isn't interested in how I feel. No matter what I say, the minute I take her off FB it will be perceived as hostile. I also think the next time I do it will be the last for her. She has told me as much. She is already mentally out of the r/s. She wants to be on my FB to keep the connection without any intimacy. I am sure of that now.

I have changed my approach in as far as I have allowed her to remain on FB. At the moment, that is as much as I can do. Keeping her there at least avoids a complete breakdown in communication. I do feel that I should try to detach and get her out of my life, my mind and my heart.

[formflier]

   

Three years is a long time... .

   

All the more reason to STOP taking action (friend, unfriend, friend, like, unfriend, whatsapp status... etc etc).  Just reading that is exhausting.  I'm sure you would agree that living it is as well.

Can we set aside action for a period of time and thoughtfully examine the situation?

I'm glad you have a well documented story.  bpdfamily is a wonderful help for that.  I'll trust that other members with intimate knowledge of your story will guide you and me in places where we fall short.

At the moment, it seems to me we are "staring at each individual tree" and "missing a forest fire" in dire need of attention.

  she pulled me back in by a suicide attempt. 

Is is possible that you are personalizing things that you shouldn't be personalizing?  Most people do things that are ultimately about them.  pwBPD do this and then blame others.  Many "nons" relish accepting this blame and making life decisions to help continue accepting blame.

Is it possible this is still going on with you?  Perhaps this is something to examine when you find quiet time to sit with your feelings.

Could it be possible that... .

1.  She made a suicide attempt.  ( thereby expressing her feelings about herself)
2.  You made a choice to go back to her  (thereby expressing your feelings about yourself)

?

I hope you can find time soon to sit with your feelings and these questions. 

FF

[Skip]

Once removed and FF are giving you good advice.

RF, let's unpack this a little. It might help.

1. You want this affair to intensify, and she wants to dial it down. This is what is paining you. It's not all these other things that you mention.

2. Hurting her feelings, unfriending her, telling her off, declaring NC, or erasing her from whatsapp will feel good for about a day, then you will feel much worse. For her, it will reinforce all her negative feelings about the the prior emotional episodes like this and just further push her away. Read your past posts, you've done this all, more than once, and each time it has made things worse for you and worse for your affair.

3. She is not finished. When women are finished, they sever all ties. The fact that she wants to have Facebook access is the most positive thing going right now. It's not a big positive thing, but it is not a door slammed in your face. A door slam will feel much worse. Considering how much push pull there has been in recent weeks, it's she is still hanging in. That says something.

From 35,000 ft and with no emotion attached, your reports on her words is something like this:

RF, I don't have the emotional capacity to intensify our affair - I have struggles and demands in my real life and marriage that are consuming me and your added demands and "push/pull" have shifted this affair from being an escape from my demanding life to being added struggles and demands that are way beyond my emotional capacity. I don't want to cut you out of my life, we have shared a lot, but I absolutely have to cut the demands and "push/pull" out of my life. I was suicidal - it doesn't get worse than that. Based on our recent experiences, I don't trust that we can continue without you making demands and doing the "push/pull". It's your nature. I know you. Even if you promise to stop, it would take a while of seeing it to believe it. If we stay in light contact and things are not demanding and there is "push pull" for a while, maybe we can do more at some future time. If you give me an ultimatum, I will need to walk away.

Does this seem right to you?

If you feeling are, I don't need this - the best action is no action. Let her drift away. If you block her, you two will ramp up emotions and end up in a fight over it, then feel bad about.

If your feelings are, there is not much hope but I'll play the long game and hope for the best - the best action is no action. Show that you are chilled out and the days of push an pull are over (from your end - I know she gets into it to).

If your feelings are, I need to relieve my emotional stress today - the best action is to go run a 5K. Find an outlet to safely detonate that bomb.

[patientandclear]

RF--YOU ended the r/ship four months ago. It seems important to own that and take responsibility. I understand and it makes sense that you feel ambivalent about your own decision (I am the BPDF queen of ambivalence so no judgment here), but the fact is, YOU chose that. It hurt her, which also makes sense. You did it because her actions in turn had hurt you. I know that.

So ... .when you write her asking her if in HER view the relationship is over, that misplaces responsibility. It begins to look like you even ended the r/ship 4 months ago to try to maneuver or prompt her to regain you by agreeing to meet--not because you were making a genuine truly felt decision to end it. If ending it was what you wanted, you wouldn't have it in your head that somehow now it is in her hands to re-start it.

I think your lack of clarity with her and with yourself about your own position is poisoning any possible dynamic btwn you. Agree with FF that you should take an "action hiatus" for a good chunk of time to figure out what course YOU are committing to. Then wait till many many days go by and your feeling about the correct course doesn't shift.  Once you choose the course, then, when you have the impulse to act inconsistently with that course, DON'T--make yourself wait a week and see what it looks like then.

All choices here have pain and yucky feelings, maybe for a good long time. You can't react to those feelings by jerking around and onto another course, or you will ever get anywhere but where you are right now. You're going to have to endure really crappy feelings. There is no alternative.

[RomanticFool]

Thank you all for your help and advice. It has helped me not to cut her off FB.

My overriding feelings over the last few weeks have been confusion and frustration. What I have realised about myself in this situation is that many of my emotional responses have occurred because I am constantly trying to second guess her. I hate uncertainty and not knowing where I stand. I have done this throughout the r/s and such are my own abandonment fears and trust issues in this r/s, that I never project a positive situation. I think my negative projections of what I fear she has been up to (and in some ways these have intensified in my mind since reading about promiscuity in BPDs) have done an enormous amount of damage.

Secondly, I am now understanding more and more that I am in an impossible situation. Today I pushed her for answers. I appealed to her to help me understand what is going on, rather than attacking her and her answer to my question about whether we still have a r/s was: 'I have to ride this out first.' When I asked what she meant she replied: 'I am being watched and monitored.'

So finally I have a modicum of understanding about what is going on. She is being monitored by her husband and I'm sure he is concerned for her mental health but also knows of the affair. So these facts have changed everything.

I think this week I have hit an emotional rock bottom in this situation. The obsession has been overwhelming in my mind and I am realising how crazy I have become. I have been shouting at myself that this woman is extremely ill. The trouble arises for me when I cannot see her. We communicate only by text and so it is easy to forget just how fragile and vulnerable this woman is and have my head screaming at me about my own needs.

I have taken on board what everybody has said about not taking action. I hear that in AA rooms all the time: ':)oing nothing is an action.' Every single one of my actions has been to try and short circuit emotional pain. Nothing I have ever done has worked. I am addicted to her physically and I am engaging in such intense messaging because quite simply the silence is boring. I am bored not being in contact with her and sexually bereft not having the meetings to look forward to.

I have to look on her as a sick puppy. My own needs and desires are screaming at me to be fulfilled, meanwhile she is going through her own trauma. If her husband is monitoring her then enough is enough, I have to let sleeping dogs lie. I really don't want to be responsible for more emotional stress in her life.

A friend of mine said the other day that the best antidote to this situation is to find another woman. In my case, I have always had the intention to focus on my marriage and engage with a woman who is actually emotionally available. Unfortunately that is difficult when I am obsessed with somebody else.

In answer to some of the points made:

You want this affair to intensify, and she wants to dial it down. This is what is paining you. It's not all these other things that you mention.

This has always been the case and so when the r/s was being threatened by her husband discovering us, I walked away. My trust in her had completely gone by this point. Truth is I never really wanted to walk away, but the pain of having even less of her was intolerable.

From 35,000 ft and with no emotion attached, your reports on her words is something like this:

RF, I don't have the emotional capacity to intensify our affair - I have struggles and demands in my real life and marriage that are consuming me and your added demands and "push/pull" have shifted this affair from being an escape from my demanding life to being added struggles and demands that are way beyond my emotional capacity. I don't want to cut you out of my life, we have shared a lot, but I absolutely have to cut the demands and "push/pull" out of my life. I was suicidal - it doesn't get worse than that. Based on our recent experiences, I don't trust that we can continue without you making demands and doing the "push/pull". It's your nature. I know you. Even if you promise to stop, it would take a while of seeing it to believe it. If we stay in light contact and things are not demanding and there is "push pull" for a while, maybe we can do more at some future time. If you give me an ultimatum, I will need to walk away.

Does this seem right to you?

Pretty much, yes. Her behaviour has been complicated by a year of keeping me at arms length during her drinking days, followed by engagement and then disengagement when she had other things on. So much of what you have posted about her makes her seem like a very reasonable person - from my perspective she has been anything but... .I guess all I can do is keep my side of the street clean.

The key to my behaviour has been lack of trust in her. I have been tormented by fears that she has somebody else and this has made me mistrust anything she tells me. Probably incorrectly.

RF--YOU ended the r/ship four months ago. It seems important to own that and take responsibility. I understand and it makes sense that you feel ambivalent about your own decision (I am the BPDF queen of ambivalence so no judgment here), but the fact is, YOU chose that. It hurt her, which also makes sense. You did it because her actions in turn had hurt you. I know that.

So ... .when you write her asking her if in HER view the relationship is over, that misplaces responsibility. It begins to look like you even ended the r/ship 4 months ago to try to maneuver or prompt her to regain you by agreeing to meet--not because you were making a genuine truly felt decision to end it. If ending it was what you wanted, you wouldn't have it in your head that somehow now it is in her hands to re-start it.

I think your lack of clarity with her and with yourself about your own position is poisoning any possible dynamic btwn you. Agree with FF that you should take an "action hiatus" for a good chunk of time to figure out what course YOU are committing to. Then wait till many many days go by and your feeling about the correct course doesn't shift.  Once you choose the course, then, when you have the impulse to act inconsistently with that course, DON'T--make yourself wait a week and see what it looks like then.

All choices here have pain and yucky feelings, maybe for a good long time. You can't react to those feelings by jerking around and onto another course, or you will ever get anywhere but where you are right now. You're going to have to endure really crappy feelings. There is no alternative.

I have given this a great deal of thought and the truth of the matter is that when I walked away I felt like I was turning my back on the person I love. However, I was convinced that I had just cause and I tried to stick to my guns. It took her 5 weeks to contact me with a simple: 'Thinking of you.' I reacted in anger to this message because not so long ago we didn't go a day without contacting each other. It was intolerable to me that it took her 5 weeks to miss me. She contacted me twice more and each time I was more annoyed because more time had elapsed. I just wanted a simple: 'I love you and miss you.' That would have solved everything.

However, when I heard from her about the suicide attempt I immediately told her that I was there for her again. As far as I was concerned, the r/s was back on. I was Sir Galahad and she was my damsel in distress. I regretted ever having turned my back on her. I felt guilty.

s is possible that you are personalizing things that you shouldn't be personalizing?  Most people do things that are ultimately about them.  pwBPD do this and then blame others.  Many "nons" relish accepting this blame and making life decisions to help continue accepting blame.

Is it possible this is still going on with you?  Perhaps this is something to examine when you find quiet time to sit with your feelings.

Could it be possible that... .

1.  She made a suicide attempt.  ( thereby expressing her feelings about herself)
2.  You made a choice to go back to her  (thereby expressing your feelings about yourself)

I took the suicide attempt as a cry to get back to where we were ie me caring for her again. I think her blaming me was her way of saying that she missed my love and attention but not the pressure.

I don't think the suicide attempt was as a direct result of me walking away, but I do feel all of the stress that caused her contributed to a crisis. I have no doubt there were many other factors also. I take some responsibility because I am dealing with a sick woman and my head was so full of alleviating my own pain, I wasn't thinking about her.

If you want my honest assessment of the situation. I think having me in her life is extremely important to her. However, she is not going to leave her marriage for me or even put me first in any way, but she needs me for some kind of validation and connection which is her version of love.

[SisterRichard]

So sorry for the pain you are suffering. Yes, social media contact cuts deep these days. Last year, after a relationship was ended suddenly (he dumped me), I couldn't stop tracking his movements on FaceBook. Each time I saw or read anything the pain would resurface afresh. Finally, I chose to 'unfollow' rather than unfriend, and that helped a good deal. Out of sight, out of mind.

[formflier]

 
There are an enormous amount of truths and things that you can use in this post to gain insight and lessen the confusion and pain in your life.


I was tempted to try to point those out to you.  I thought about it a while and I think that the better idea would be for you to chill and relax for a day.  Whatever you can do to put this issue completely out of your mind for a day would be the best course.

Then my challenge to you would be to come back to the post and read it as if it wasn't your post (if that is possible).  

Look for places where "the poster" analyzes the situation and "the posters" role in it... . Is the analysis solid... .or skewed?

Are there places where assumptions are given the weight of facts?  Remember... .very dangerous to assume.  Even more dangerous to take action on assumptions.

Are there places where "the poster" points out a need or a want?   How does "the poster" intend to take care of the expressed need or want?

Perhaps with the benefit of time and detachment from the post you will find more things that provide an ability to be introspective.

That's my "prescription" for you... .less action... .more introspection.  After a period of introspection I'm going to pester you about where the "property lines" are and talk about boundaries... .(gratuitous FF preview of coming attractions)

I wish you the best as you chill and reflect.

FF

[RomanticFool]

Hi SisterRichard,

Amen to what you are saying. FB is the scourge of the modern era. Difficult to move on when faced with one's ex enjoying life! My instinct is to shut everything down.

Formflier,

I'm not really relying on my own reading of the situation as I am far too close. What I tend to do is posit a theory or an insight and then see what other people on here observe who are not emotionally embroiled in the tryst.

My goal at the moment is not to go to bed in despair. I have achieved that today just by talking to her. I am dealing with a person who suffers depression and, in my opinion, has BPD traits. I think I also have some issues myself ie emotional dysregulation and a lack of empathy under duress.

Among all of this is a very real love - at least on my part. I think I am going to stop second guessing what she is thinking and feeling.

I really wouldn't rely on me to glean the points you were going to point out earlier. I don't feel I have an awful lot of insight into the mind of this woman. Nor do I feel I have much insight into my own head other than I am aware of some pretty strong impulses which are deeply unhealthy.

[formflier]

I couldn't let this go.

This is less a response to RomanticFool and more a general truth in life.  Once I consider extremely important.

  I hear that in AA rooms all the time: 'Doing nothing is an action.' 

The bolded part is true, but in an off itself, it doesn't help anyone with decision making.

When things are unclear... "take a step back" and gain situational awareness.  Many times "gaining SA" means that "input" stops and you become an observer and try to understand what is going on, what trends are developing, are those trends good or bad. 

If the trend is good... .crack a beer and enjoy life... ."don't touch nothin... ." let it continue.

If the trend is bad remember the solution to a good trend... ."don't touch nothin" and continue with analysis.

The unfortunate truth is that many times (perhaps most) we take action that takes us from bad to worse.   The solution... .think things through very carefully... .

To finish the post, I think the intent of that saying in AA circles is that many people just let life drift by.  Some will claim "they can't" do anything etc etc... .  In reality, for various reasons, they have chosen to do nothing... .yet don't want to own the choice.

The best solution.  "Own" all your choices... .let other people own their choices.  Life is much simpler that way!

FF

[formflier]

  What I tend to do is posit a theory or an insight and then see what other people on here observe who are not emotionally embroiled in the tryst.

Generally a wise point of view.  In this particular case... .the issues and solutions are very plain (to me) in the post

My goal at the moment is not to go to bed in despair. I have achieved that today just by talking to her.

So... .there was an uncomfortable feeling inside of yourself.  Did you look "inside your property lines" for the solution or go to someone elses property? (boundary point of view)

I am dealing with a person who suffers depression and, in my opinion, has BPD traits. I think I also have some issues myself ie emotional dysregulation and a lack of empathy under duress.

Which one of these sentences is a place for introspection?

  I think I am going to stop second guessing what she is thinking and feeling.

Is it also possible to stop "first guessing"?  Why go there at all?  After all... .will you ever really know?

I really wouldn't rely on me to glean the points you were going to point out earlier. I don't feel I have an awful lot of insight into the mind of this woman. Nor do I feel I have much insight into my own head other than I am aware of some pretty strong impulses which are deeply unhealthy.

Focus on where you have insight and control over change.  I really would encourage you to "step away" for a time and then come back to the post with as much detachment as possible... .try to answer some of the things I've posted.

Best,


FF

[babyducks]

Hi RomanticFool

I've read quite a few of your posts so I think I have a little understanding of what you are describing.   What I noticed appears to be a harmful amount of emotionally intense reactivity between the two of you.   I don't think it much matters who started the chain reaction of harmfully intense emotions any more, what does matter is that it isn't working for either one of you.  It has become damaging to both of you.   and I know that isn't your goal.

I too had a relationship that was volatile and intense.   It took me a while to come to the conclusion that the volatility and intensity were causing me deep emotional distress.    The highs were great but the lows were like the end of the world.   We used to call it here, being on the roller coaster.

What I came to learn was that I needed to NOT do things that added volatility to the relationship.   And I also needed to do things that added stability and calm to the relationship.   And let me tell you that was work.   It wasn't my first impulse.     What was true for me was that after an event that generated a lot of volatility and emotional upheaval a cooling off period was necessary for both of us.

My goal at the moment is not to go to bed in despair. I have achieved that today just by talking to her.

What my experience has been, is that the only way I know to change my feelings about something is to change my thinking about it.    That isn't easy.    When I become fused with a thought, moving my thinking even one degree is quite difficult.    There are techniques and ~tricks~ that help with that.   One that works for me goes like this:

When I find inner voice saying "I MUST HAVE THAT CHOCOLATE CAKE OR I WILL DIE."

I make every effort to stop myself and have my inner voice say "I'm thinking I must have that chocolate cake or I will die."

And then encourage my inner voice to say "I notice that once again I am thinking that if I don't have that chocolate cake I will suffer.   How interesting,  I wonder what that really means."

Working my thinking back one degree from CAKE OR DEATH to thinking about cake changes the focus and puts my more rational wise mind in the conversation.   It also puts me in charge of my feelings and decisions and removes the dependence on an outside source.   In my case Chocolate Cake, which hasn't actually ever solved any of my problems even while it does feel great to eat it.

I noticed that thought changing is like working an under used muscle.   It requires some repetition to get good at it.

When I am fused with a thought, stuck in despair, fixated on a memory, however you want to describe it,  I try the three D's.   Distancing myself, like in the example above, Distracting myself, go do something that requires no deep thought but a decent physical effort like a bike ride,  or Deep Sleep, find a way to rest my brain.

Nor do I feel I have much insight into my own head other than I am aware of some pretty strong impulses which are deeply unhealthy.

It takes a while to unravel all this stuff.   For me what was in play for a while was something the experts call "traumatic repetition" or "traumatic repetition compulsion".    Me,  I just knew I kept returning to a difficult situation over and over again because I had a desperate soul wrenching need to have a positive outcome.    Just once.    even with quite a bit of evidence that showed that things were difficult I believed things could be perfect if only X would happen.   Define X anyway you want.   Understanding that I have an unhealthy compulsion to return to the scene of the crime looking to change a painful outcome to a more positive one helped me to let go of outcomes.   I continue to work to change my thinking from being deeply invested in a sort after outcome to more accepting of life as it unfolds around me.   

my two cents.

'ducks