Releasing with Grace

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello,

Back again, ready to put an end to the most recent recycle (6 weeks) and hoping that I can finally find the strength to make it last.

Can someone who has managed to do it please give me some clarity on how to "release with grace"?  I know it sounds silly, but I can't understand if this is just something one does within one's own heart, or if there are things that one can actually enact that make this possible. 

How does one behave toward the former partner if one releases with grace?  Is there contact, is there eventual friendship, does the person accept the situation better?

In all past breakups, and there were several, I initiated, and was always charmed back in after a month, 6 months, 5 months after his begging and pleas to "help" crumbled my resolve.  Needless to say, wash, rinse, repeat.,  My mental health is suffering too badly this time to do what I have done in the past.

So, if anyone can tell me how "release with grace" looked and worked for you, I would appreciate it.  Thank you,

[chillamom]

Hello,

Back again, ready to put an end to the most recent recycle (6 weeks) and hoping that I can finally find the strength to make it last.

Can someone who has managed to do it please give me some clarity on how to "release with grace"?  I know it sounds silly, but I can't understand if this is just something one does within one's own heart, or if there are things that one can actually enact that make this possible. 

How does one behave toward the former partner if one releases with grace?  Is there contact, is there eventual friendship, does the person accept the situation better?

In all past breakups, and there were several, I initiated, and was always charmed back in after a month, 6 months, 5 months after his begging and pleas to "help" crumbled my resolve.  Needless to say, wash, rinse, repeat.,  My mental health is suffering too badly this time to do what I have done in the past.

So, if anyone can tell me how "release with grace" looked and worked for you, I would appreciate it.  Thank you,

[Helplessly]

Releasing with grace.  My advice would be focus on disengaging. Surgically.

In other words, ask yourself why you want to release with "grace". For him?  No.

Please read my last post; Suicidal Update 5 months later. You will see what friendship with this person will bring you.

My controversial opinion is that if this person is indeed disordered, and you have the presence of mind to identify the reasons why YOU allowed this intrusion into your life, AND you are ready to take the steps to get healthy, cut him off 100% and don't look back.

I'm sorry but if this person is what you think he is, he will consume your soul. You risk becoming acutely ill mentally, and it's highly likely you will become physically ill.

It helps to just see them as incurable vampires. It wasn't until I realized my own issues (work in progress) that I realized I had to "kill" my girlfriend off figuratively. I changed my thought process and pretended I got out after knowing her for two weeks with ALL OF THE RED FLAGS. I imagined myself as an emotionally healthy man who had boundaries 19 months ago; a man who would never allow my s.o. To treat me the way she did without simply cutting her off.

You're too good for him. You can't save him. Work on you. Don't waste another year of your life trying to be nice or graceful. Leave him in the rear view mirror and don't look back

[flourdust]

Why is this the question you are asking?

You've described a relationship that's pretty appalling -- abusive, damaging to your self, damaging to your family -- and a growing desire to end it.

But I don't see you asking how you can end the relationship safely, protect yourself and your family, shut down the negative engagement, etc. Instead, you seem to be implying that there's a technique that actually improves your relationship with "eventual friendship."

So, I ask you again to ask yourself -- why is this the question you are asking?

[panhead67]

Releasing with grace.  My advice would be focus on disengaging. Surgically.

My controversial opinion is that if this person is indeed disordered, and you have the presence of mind to identify the reasons why YOU allowed this intrusion into your life, AND you are ready to take the steps to get healthy, cut him off 100% and don't look back.

I'm sorry but if this person is what you think he is, he will consume your soul. You risk becoming acutely ill mentally, and it's highly likely you will become physically ill.

Thank you helplessly, great advice! I needed to absorb this today, clear cut detaching for survival.

[chillamom]

Helplessly and flourdust,

Thank you both, and the question I should indeed be asking is WHY I am still so concerned about providing "grace" for HIS feelings…this has been the story of my life for nearly a decade.  Helplessly, I too wonder what my life would have been like if I had responding to that first red flag like a healthy person would have as opposed to charging headlong towards it as a bull does toward a red cape.  I have lost a great deal by not doing so - diagnosed with major depressive disorder, have developed several stress-related ailments, and have lost and at the very least drastically changed important relationships in my life.  And still all I can think about is how he feels.

I agree with flourdust that this is appalling, and my T called it flat out masochistic.

My lastest form of self torture is to note that in the last 6 weeks of this recent recycle, he seems to have made an effort to stop with the name calling and accusations which characterized our entire relationship, and I am wondering if this means he will really change and I am "not giving him a chance" if I leave now.

Im reality I know this is utter bs….but part of me thinks that leaving last time (back in December) really shook him up and he realizes now he has to behave differently,  Of course, just last Sunday he was screaming "FU" at me because I said something he didn't like, and on Wednesday he was projecting terrible anger onto me…... but WHY that doesn't bother me as much as it should is hard for me to fathom.

I believe every human being deserves a chance, deserves "grace", deserves love, but being with him is short circuiting my ability to seek those for myself.

I hate being in the FOG.  Again.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi chillamom,

Welcome back.  Could you tell us how and why it ended this time?  Maybe this will give us a further idea about the shift in your aims.  Previously you were seeking help to go NC.  What is different now?

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

Apologies - re reading I see that it hasn't ended.  So I'll re phrase my question.  Are you seeking to end this or is there a reason to believe that he might be back tracking?

Love and light x 

[chillamom]

Hi, Harley Quinn,

Thanks for responding.

It hasn't ended yet, but I am seeing him very minimally and am in a weird space where I'm rather emotionally detached to begin with because I got back with him knowing full well there was no hope for anything going forward, he was merely begging me to "help him" by coming back and "being a loving friend", which I knew full well wasn't true.  Sure enough, now he wants to be back in a full fledged relationship, "make my kids like him", and eventually have me in his life in some way as long as he wants without understanding that I am completely incapable of giving him what he wants (children, etc).  My guard has been up the entire time because I can't just "forget about" the 9 years of abuse, accusations, interrogations, and general emotional/verbal terrorism I experienced, and that's MY fault supposedly because I should just "let it go" and realize "he has changed" and hasn't called me names in a "long while".

Anyway, I would LOVE to go NC or at least  
LC and never deal with this again, but every time I have tried he has managed to charm me back in with guilt and pleading.  

So I'm wondering if "releasing with grace" would allow HIM to feel better about the ending when it comes (ASAP) and if that would make it less likely that he launches a barrage of emotional terrorism that will have me relenting once again.

I'm a mess.  I don't want to hurt him, and I worry that maybe he really has changed (six weeks without calling me a "c**t!  Yay!) but it still doesn't change the fact that even if he was a saint, I can't give him what he wants.

Oh, and I suspect he wants my kids to "like him" (impossible given past history) so that he can have them have his children.  I'm not kidding.  He has suggested this many times before.  Can you believe I stuck around?  One of the many things that makes me hate myself, and trust me I haven't let him anywhere near my daughters in YEARS.  He is not allowed to breathe the same air, but he still scares me when he becomes detached from reality.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi chillamom,

Well that has blown me away.  Yes I can understand why you keep them firmly apart.  You know the deep love and protective feelings you have for your girls?  Do you think it is possible that you could find that for yourself?  Notice that to keep them safe and unaffected by your partner you have cut him completely out of their lives.   

Summerstorm wrote a great post today.  Have you read this?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=312202.0

Whatever you decide to do, we will be here to support you.  My advice is to start to find ways to show yourself the love that you have inside of yourself.  What is your gut telling you right now?  Yesterday I was sent an article which explains that we actually have 3 brains - in the head, heart and gut, so it's important to check in with all 3 before making decisions.

Here's a link to how to do this in one minute:

https://themindfulnesssummit.com/sessions/head-heart-gut-check/?utm_source=The+Mindfulness+Summit&utm_campaign=ebda43f01c-Head-Heart-Gut_20170712&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_f5531060c6-ebda43f01c-105720837

Love and light x

[Skip]

So he was handling things well until this last week? I think I would tell him that you are upset about the screaming you just need a little space right now - ask for week or 10 days - take the pressure of yourself and him. If he trys to push into that, be friendly, talk about the weather and anything safe, but tell him you need cooling off time if he wants to talk about the relationship. If he pushes into that, stop taking calls. He will most likely back off.

"Releasing with Grace" vs. Going "No Contact"

Releasing with grace is simply letting go in a firm but compassionate way. It stays away from dramatic things like stone cold silence and ghosting and no contact - and all the anxiety the grows on both sides of that.

People have some of the same instincts as other animals. If you have a big dog, lock it in a room. It will be upset. Go push it back by its chest, it will push forward as hard as it can. Hang around but don't be attentive and the dog will wonder off an find something else to do. Here is an article describing what the author calls "slip out the back, jack".
https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a125.htm

In short "don't suddenly amp up the emotions and tensions", "dull them out slowly".  This is for you. You've already started this process with multiple break up and turning the dial back recently.

Going "No Contact" is what you do when the above fails (eithe ron our side or theirs). It gives you distance to detach. It's downside is that it can ramps up the emotion and you should only chose it if its absolutely when the benefit outweighs that cost of drama.

[Helplessly]

Let me get this straight and I'm not being facetious or playing dumb. He wants your kids to have his kids? He's implying that he wants to f#%k your daughter?

I'll probably get flagged again here but this sounds like another abuser who needs his ass kicked.

I don't know how productive therapy has been but you may need a nudge from someone in your life who cares.

When can we just stop with the PD traits and just admit that someone is a complete piece of sh*t? 

OP you are in deep. And I've been there. Ask yourself what advice you would give your daughter in a situation like this. 

And the reason he manages to weasel and manipulate (not charm... .) his way back into your life is because "releasing with grace" doesn't work.

I'm not sure how old your daughters are but I would cut contact and warn him. If he harasses you get a restraining order and put your kids names on it.

[chillamom]

Helplessly,

I needed to see this in writing this morning, and I'm so horrified at seeing the words there in black and white that I'm not certain how to respond.

Yes, in a nutshell, you are right.  He has told me on several occasions. that "maybe my kids could help" or "maybe B (daughter who looks just like me) will fall in love with me someday and have a baby and we can all live together as a happy family".  He has also ranted about not letting her meet "beta loser" men - like the sweet and gentle grad student I introduced her to- because I think he wants to save her for himself.   Looking back on it (and I did write a lot of this stuff down) these things may have been said when he was in a semi-psychotic state or at least severely dysregulated (he HAS been diagnosed with schizophrenia as well as BPD/NPD…I tend to think of him as a mixed bag of Cluster B traits with a touch of psychosis in there as well.  On the other hand………when a person is this detached from reality, as he has been at times, there's no telling what could happen.

Another thing - he has ACCUSED ME of suggesting these things to HIM, which is the most horrific piece of gaslighting he has foisted upon me.

The comments he has made are one of the many reasons why he is never around my children.  He has not breathed the same air as them for years, and that has been one boundary I have kept.

However, reading the things I have just written and reviewing this situation in my mind has led me to the conclusion that I have been deluding myself about the depths of his illness for quite a long while.  It is time to unequivocally leave and go NC, at this point with little regard for his feelings, guilt over which have kept me locked in place for a very long time.

What I feel doesn't matter, what HE feels doesn't matter. What matters is what if the NEXT time he experiences a psychotic break (and it certainly could happen) he acts on these delusional thoughts?

I can't take any chances, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for slapping me in the face with reality.

Excuse my language, but screw releasing with grace.  This is unequivocally DONE.  I may come here and whine about it a but, because like many others, I have some significant trauma bonding going on, but this it it.

Helplessly, thank you.  This is the end to years of insanity.  Now.  Reading your words and imagining how an objective person would see this has metaphorically kicked me where I needed to be kicked.  Thank you.

[Skip]

It is time to unequivocally leave and go NC, at this point with little regard for his feelings, guilt over which have kept me locked in place for a very long time.

chillamom, deciding its unequivocally over for you, and what method you use to depart the relationship are two different things.

Generally, when we break up at an anger peak and we amp up the tensions with the break up style, it gets emotionally messy and when things return to baseline, there can be a recycle. You've broken up before, you know what I mean.

If you're unequivocally done, execute a departure that will with stand the tests of the next six months.

You are at a critical juncture. What is best. Amping up the relationship emotions? Draining off the relationship emotions?

[chillamom]

Hi, Skip, and thank you for responding.

Right now I am in a place of anger and also fear as I review and remember many of the things that have been said over the years, and reflect upon the words of dear friends (and my daughters) who have expressed a fear of him as well. 

I am not going to act today, as my negative emotions would only inflame and exacerbate the situation, and I would then feel guilty and apologetic, ultimately leading back to the same crazed pattern of contact and eventual recycle that has occurred before.

I will be "draining the emotions" and not putting gasoline on the fire.  I do not see him until later in the week, whereas in the past we saw each other every day.  I am backpedaling a LOT in this recycle and I believe that he is quite aware I am nowhere near as interested as before.  I have told him several times that I am unhappy with the situation and I see no future, but yet my actions still consist of seeing him  and listening to him.  That is ceasing shortly.

I am going to sit with my feelings and plan how to rationally and thoughtfully exit the relationship next time I see him.  Perhaps I will do it over the phone because in person might be dangerous. Unlike before, I will keep it short and to the point.  No need for excess explanations, it's done and that's that.  And if he harasses me like in the past, I WILL consider taking out a restraining order, although admittedly I am loathe to do so because I think it may further enrage him and backfire by making him more dangerous. 

Anyway, thank you.  My exit this time will be without drama on my part and will be definitive.  NC if needed and if it doesn't escalate drama.  Any drama that ensues will be caused by him.  I really do feel differently in my heart this time, and am finally getting that HE is not my responsibility.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Chillamom, as Helplessly says what you’ve endured is terrible ABUSE and whichever way you choose to end this I am so happy to hear it.

As you know NC never did work for me. I tended to respond to most of his contact and found it virtually impossible to ignore when he was in ‘abandoned child’ mode. I related to it on some level and it was powerful.

I’m now ‘draining the emotions’ as Skip says, and it IS working. Whatever excuse he comes up with and whether he’s being insulting, or even, for the first time ever, profusely apologetic, I now reply in a very brief, no drama, but courteous way. No JADEing whatsoever even if triggered. If he writes something that rattles me I take a big step back, and breathe, take a walk or journal or cry even. Just let it out and work through the feelings. I then don’t dwell on anything he says, and I don’t revisit/reread any of it.

I’m less and less triggered and I care less what he thinks of me which is black/white, white/black depending on his emotions of the hour anyway. That will never change.

Contact has now dwindled to once every few weeks. For the most part I feel mature (like his mother!) and in control of my feelings and should he ever write again so what. I can handle it. Responding works for me as I’m no longer plagued by those dreaded ‘guilty’ feelings that seemed to get me every time. I’ve seen his pain and I’ve seen him struggling and those thoughts can haunt me so this works for me. It’s not altruistic, it’s for me so I can sleep well knowing I’ve been kind!

It’s still difficult as I’m battling a deep depression, but I cannot even begin to explain how much stronger I'm becoming. At times I still feel anger towards him, but as seems predominant for me mostly sadness. He is inflicted with a personality disorder of some kind, whether that’s BPD/npd/aspd and he’s in pain, but he is a survivor and has his defences to fall back on. The ones that tell him that “none of this is my fault”. I don’t have that reprieve because some of this is my responsibility, and I’m working through that, not the abuse, that was 'never' my fault, but the decision to stay and get emotionally beaten up over and over is different. It’s painful working through it, yet I’m doing it and will go on to have much healthier relationships I’m sure. He is destined for more turmoil and for that I feel sad for him, but it’s no longer my issue and it no longer traps me.

Chill, the connection we feel is truly a trauma bond, but the bond can and does break. I  know how much you struggle and get caught up in feelings of guilt and sorrow for him. Perhaps like me the urge to caretake, sort things out is also an attempt to heal your own wounds only to always end up running head first into a brick wall. It took me a long time but I’m no longer smashing into the wall. NC didn’t work for me, but this does. It somehow feels less ‘brutal’ and it’s given me time for my head to catch up with my heart.

First and foremost please ensure that you and your family are safe. It maybe that NC will become your only option especially if he threatens you, or your loved ones, but whichever way you choose to end it I’m right here cheering you on.