Awkward situation

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPD mom lives right down the street (as a typical daughter of a BPD, I moved to the same town to appease her while I was still in the fog a few years ago.)

Our entire marriage, DH and I have kept secret my mom's toxic behavior from my in-laws to protect her reputation (this was more important when my dad was still alive). That all stopped last year when we finally realized we were officially done, and we revealed all, for our sanity. My in-laws were shocked but we were relieved to finally be able to tell someone.

So... .the awkward part: BIL just got here and is visiting us for the next couple weeks. My BIL is very likable, and she keeps inviting us over so she can see him (hard to avoid when we live right down the street). My BPD mom has no idea my in-laws now have a very low opinion of her now, now that they know the truth. And my BIL actually hates her. I wish I didn't have to create divisions like this, but we were going insane in our isolation. (We will soon be moving several thousand miles to be closer to my in-laws anyway. She does not yet know this.)

Bottom line is, I will have to keep making excuses for the next two weeks he's here as to why he can't come over (or she can't stop by). I would make an exception to be diplomatic, but it would be painful to have her blabbing away to him in her charming cutesy way, probably getting all huggy with him, while he's quietly simmering. He has made it clear he does not want to see her. Any advice? Do I just keep making excuses?

[heartofglass]

My BPD mom lives right down the street (as a typical daughter of a BPD, I moved to the same town to appease her while I was still in the fog a few years ago.)

Our entire marriage, DH and I have kept secret my mom's toxic behavior from my in-laws to protect her reputation (this was more important when my dad was still alive). That all stopped last year when we finally realized we were officially done, and we revealed all, for our sanity. My in-laws were shocked but we were relieved to finally be able to tell someone.

So... .the awkward part: BIL just got here and is visiting us for the next couple weeks. My BIL is very likable, and she keeps inviting us over so she can see him (hard to avoid when we live right down the street). My BPD mom has no idea my in-laws now have a very low opinion of her now, now that they know the truth. And my BIL actually hates her. I wish I didn't have to create divisions like this, but we were going insane in our isolation. (We will soon be moving several thousand miles to be closer to my in-laws anyway. She does not yet know this.)

Bottom line is, I will have to keep making excuses for the next two weeks he's here as to why he can't come over (or she can't stop by). I would make an exception to be diplomatic, but it would be painful to have her blabbing away to him in her charming cutesy way, probably getting all huggy with him, while he's quietly simmering. He has made it clear he does not want to see her. Any advice? Do I just keep making excuses?

[heartofglass]

I think I put this in the wrong section. Sorry about that.

[formflier]

Why not let your in laws go over and see her?   If she treats them well... .perhaps their relationship continues as is.

Perhaps you can improve your relationship with her.

I guess the part I missed is how your in laws didn't see it before.  If she treats them well... .why involve them at all?

If she treats you poorly... use boundaries until you find a way to have a relationship with her that works.  Or... have no relationship.

I get family drama.  I haven't spoken to my FIL and MIL and sister in law in... .gosh... .1 to 1.5 years.  I've chosen to end my relationship with them.  Others around me, including my children, still have a relationship with them.

Should they ever want to reconcile and settle differences... .I would be up for it, but... .they are the type that never admits wrongdoing... .so... not much chance of reconciliation

Still turning your post over in my head... .help me understand bringing in people that apparently weren't involved or weren't treated badly.

FF

[heartofglass]

Hi there, sorry if my post was confusing.

My brother-in-law is visiting for two weeks. I recently confided in him how awful my mother has been (because my husband and I need some emotional support). Now that my brother-in-law finally knows the truth, he now hates my mother and does NOT want to see her during his visit.

My mother has no idea he hates her and keeps inviting us over. She lives just down the road from me.

We're about a week into the visit and as a solution I've just been completely ignoring any contact she's attempted with me. Calls, texts, facebook messages, all ignored. It's pretty obvious now.

I'm sure I'll pay for this eventually. (As you can tell, my mom causes me a great deal of stress and anxiety. I'm still always worried about her feelings.)

[formflier]

So... .before your BIL had knowledge of how you perceive your Mom's treatment of you, he would have been fine visiting with her.  Correct?

But now that he has heard your opinions of the relationship between you and your mother, he doesn't want to visit with her. 

My understanding is he hasn't personally witnessed or been part of this.  Do I have this correct?


Do I have any of those things completely wrong?  I'm sure there is nuance here and there, which I am interested in... .but for "big picture" things... .usually best to stay big picture.

I'm going to make a suggestion to you, since I am "talking" to you, that I think will move everyone towards a much healthier place... .emotionally and relationally.

One of you guys should call your Mom, express sorrow (but not apology) for being busy and delay in communicating, and ask when it would be a good time to share a meal... .or quick visit. 

Share pleasantries... .don't try to "solve" or "prove" anything.  Have some pictures to show... .perhaps a scrapbook. 

I realize that pwBPD can be insistent and "crush boundaries"... .you should be ready for that.  Stay friendly... .don't explain yourselves... .don't defend yourselves.  Let the arguments stay on the floor.

Express shock at shocking things... .and then move along to passing more mashed potatoes and gravy.

Big picture... .if you need emotional support "because" of other family members... .it is usually best to go outside the family to get it.  Therapist... .pastor... .etc etc.

Many times seeking support inside a family will divide a family into camps that aren't speaking to each other, not because of personal treatment actually experienced, but due to perceptions of the personal experiences of others.

I'm not saying never seek support in a family, but usually best to exhaust other options. 

What can you do to "bring the family together" during the visit.  Remember... .focus on your actions and your role... .let your pwBPD worry about their own role.

FF

[heartofglass]

He has not witnessed her behavior toward my husband and me firsthand because he lives thousands of miles away and only visits once a year. And of course, my mom is exceptionally good at putting on the charm for brief periods of time so she'd never reveal that side of herself anyway. However, BIL has always suspected, even before we told him, that something is a little off about her. (Many other people have too.)

Thank you for your supportive ideas. I like your reminders not to apologize.

Believe me, the last thing I want to do is cause family drama -- in fact we plan to move thousands of miles to get away from it soon. It was my guilt over potentially hurting my mom's feelings that brought me here. (Which is a silly concern, because she sadly has proven again and again she has no regard for mine.)

Thanks so much for listening.

[formflier]

"Big picture" on me and family relationships.

I'm "estranged" from my in-laws.  Likely permanently... .  Let's just say BPDish type behavior.  It was my choice.  Many people in the extended family witnessed the behavior, towards me, over the years... .others did not.

I "own" my decision to not talk to or be around them.  I don't "blame" them for my decision.  I'm much more relaxed and happy with them out of my lives.

I do care... .to a certain extent, what others think of me and my decision... .but I don't "lobby" them to "make my point".

So... .let's say someone "forgets" and invites me over to their house for an event... .

"As you know, I've chosen not to have a relationship with (insert in law name).  Hope you have a great time.  Thanks for sharing those pictures of Jimmy with me... he is growing up so fast.  Perhaps we can grab pizza next week and catch up further."

From where I sit... .me trying to convince them to drop their relationship with them... .or in any way alter it... would be just as bad as them trying to convince me to endure future abuse.

I stand by my decisions... .they can stand by theirs. 

And... .now specifically to your situation.

I would encourage you to "respect" that your Mom chooses to behave badly around you.  I recommend you act accordingly (we can get into that more later)

I would also encourage you to "respect" that she has chosen to treat people she sees infrequently, quite differently than those she sees more often. 

I also encourage you to understand the difference in saying someone's behavior is "respectable" (which it clearly isn't) and "respecting" (honoring) someone's choice that you don't agree with.

Perhaps this visit and a quick visit to her house is the start of something new for you.  Where you make decisions for you and don't worry so much about her reactions.  She will react... .let her worry and manage that.  You worry and manage your life.

Best to you!  This stuff is really hard... .it is so easy to "loose your way" because you are so closely involved.

   

FF

[heartofglass]

Thank you again for another thoughtful reply! I agree with everything you've said. The FOG cycle is very powerful and I have to remind myself I don't want (and can't tolerate) any part of that anymore. Big picture.