Need advice about stepdaughter

[jhkbuzz]

Bare bone background: 8 year r/s, b/u about 3 years ago. Mom and I have been N/C since the b/u (with the exception of a couple of pragmatic issues). Stepdaughter was 11 when we moved in together; we split after she left for college. I didn't really see my stepdaughter much at all when she was in college (university was three hours away); but she has graduated and is moving about 15 minutes away from where I live. We had lunch about a week and a half ago; she came to my house afterwards (she hadn't been to my new place) and stayed a few more hours. We had a wonderful time; I am hopeful that we can resume a relationship now that she is back in town.

She doesn't know the circumstances around the breakup, although she is aware that her mom did some pretty "sh*tty things" (mom's words to her). I have never told her anything (4 years of cheating and lying) and she doesn't want to know. I understand that and have honored it. I wouldn't talk trash about a mom to a daughter.

I still struggle from time to time with the b/u (and particularly how ugly and sad things got), but have zero desire to reconnect with my ex, recycle, etc. Any residual is my "stuff" to deal with.

So... .my stepdaughter is actually moving from her college to my town this weekend. I offered to let her borrow my van for the move, which she happily accepted. She was supposed to pick it up yesterday... .but I didn't hear from her. I texted her when I was going to bed (because I was leaving for a work trip this morning and she knew she had to pick it up before I left today). She texted back to say that she'd pick it up this morning, then... .nothing. I left and she texted later and apologized that it didn't work out. It was no problem on my end; things stayed light and positive.

Still... .I know she needed the van, so I knew something was up. I learned later on Facebook (a family member posted pix on her FB page) that she had thrown a party for her mom, who got a big promotion at work. She was clearly tied up with that and didn't have time to come get the van. Later on she posted something sweet about her mom and how she was proud of her - and invited people to congratulate her in the comments.

It has started to occur to me that she is trying not to mention anything about her mom to me (and I actually appreciate it)... .but it got awkward. It would have been so much easier for her if she had felt free to simply tell me what was going on and why she didn't have time to pick up the van. I've started to worry that her "tiptoeing" will have a negative impact on our relationship. I have never asked her not to talk about her mom, but I think she senses that bridge has been burnt to the ground.

I've been thinking about how to handle it. I thought about commenting on her FB post and decided not to. Now I'm thinking about texting her - something along the lines of, "I just saw your post on FB - that's exciting news for your mom - and no wonder you didn't have time to pick up the van, you party planner!" ... .but then I'm not sure where to go after that. Or if that's enough.

Anyone have any advice - about any of it?

[bunny4523]

Hi Jkhbuzz,

I see the tiptoeing alot too.  The thing is you don't know if this "secrecy" is her idea or mom's so calling it out might make her feel like somehow she leaked the info and betrayed her mom. I know it makes no sense to us but I see that fear in my household alot.  I would wait it out if I were you... .let her feel safe enough with you to bring it up. I would just focus on the van.  If she brings up the party then maybe reply with the comment your thinking.  I would just be nervous of rocking the boat right now since your reconnection has just started.

My husband's 17 year old daughter comes over and asks us not to tell her mom.  How ridiculous and awkward is that?  yet if we break that trust then the daughter pulls away from us because she does not want to upset mom.  We even have to listen to mom berate us for NEVER seeing the 17 year old daughter... .you know because we are such bad people, she want's nothing to do with us.  Or we are awful because we have washed our hands of her... .She has told her daughter since you wanted to live with me then you can't go back to your dad's and then yells at dad for not MAKING the daughter stay at our house more often.  She sets this stuff up all the time.   

Anyway, I wish you the best and I say focus on your stepdaughter... .leave mom out of it unless she starts talking to you about mom and you think you can help her in that area.

Bunny

Think about how hard it is for us to understand BPD, children of mother's with BPD are so lost and confused in this world and it's all they know.  It takes growing up, separating, seeing how other families work and even starting your own life sometimes to start seeing just how off

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks Bunny4523 - I appreciate the reply.

I don't think the secrecy is her mom's idea - I really don't. An example: the family dog that we adopted when my stepdaughter was 11 recently passed away, and I (of course) told my stepdaughter about it. When she was at my house after lunch and we were talking, she mentioned that she told her mom about the dog's death (who then mentioned something about an cancerous growth that we had removed years ago - and that sometimes dogs with that history don't live very long lives). Now that I think about it, I saw something pass over her face as she said it - I think she was wondering if it was okay to mention her mom to me. It was; so I'm pretty sure I didn't react at all.

The more I thought about things after I wrote my OP the more I became convinced that she's tiptoeing for my sake. I ended up sending her the text. Last week when we were again texting about her borrowing my van to move the only item she had left to move (her couch), she mentioned that she tried to move it with her mom's van, which broke down on the highway. I think she's been trying to test the waters with me, and there's no rushing that. But I'm hoping the text that I decided to send makes that easier for her. I suspect it did.

The day she was at my house, after a few hours, she started sharing family stories with me - about her aunts and cousins, not about her mom. Most of them were unbelievable; the family is a cauldron of dysfunction. One of the stories that she told me was that one of my ex's sisters, who had been extremely bitter and vocal about her divorce from her husband, now talks to him at family functions (they have two adult daughters) without any rancor. I saw another look quickly pass over her face; I wondered if she had thought about her mom and I.

It's been interesting thinking this through, because I realized that for a long time I didn't want to hear her talk about her mom - in part because it would have been painful, but in part because of my irrational fear that talking about her could somehow bring her back into my life. One of the things I've worked on since the b/u are my boundaries, and I've realized I can maintain them easily without forcing my stepdaughter into the awkward position of never mentioning one of the most important people in her life.

Your stepdaughter's mom sounds like a real prize. You said, "We even have to listen to mom berate us for NEVER seeing the 17 year old daughter." I would take on that suffering, for your stepdaughter's sake. Let mom think badly of you - don't betray your SD's trust. At 17 she doesn't have many choices about how her life has gone or what her mom's doing. When she's 25 it will be a different story.

[bunny4523]

Your stepdaughter's mom sounds like a real prize. You said, "We even have to listen to mom berate us for NEVER seeing the 17 year old daughter." I would take on that suffering, for your stepdaughter's sake. Let mom think badly of you - don't betray your SD's trust. At 17 she doesn't have many choices about how her life has gone or what her mom's doing. When she's 25 it will be a different story.

Im so glad to hear you think the tip toeing is about you.  That is something you have power to work on.    Thank you for your words.  I agree it is best for us to take it on and give her time to figure this all out.  My husband keeps saying she is an adult now... .but she just turned 18 in July and they don't magically turn into adults at 18, it is still a process.  I keep trying to remind him to give her some time to grow up and figure it out.  Also how hard it was for us to figure out and deal with it and we are way older than "18".