I believe my son has BPD and I'm concerned

[surreal]

After a lot of reading and researching, I believe my son has BPD. Even his primary care provider wants me to contact his psychiatrist to suggest this as a possible diagnosis. My son attempted suicide less than 2 weeks ago. When he was released, he went to a friend's house instead of returning home. While he was in the hospital, he put me on the 'no info' list - wouldn't contact me and even now he won't talk to me. He was never abused, mistreated or neglected. He's lived in a stable home with two parents (granted we are lesbians), grandparents nearby that love him beyond words along with aunts, uncles and cousins.  His father was not as involved in his life as much as I would have hoped and just as my son was at an age that he could drive and visit his dad - his dad pulled away even further. And then committed suicide two years ago. So his male role models have been his grandfather and uncles, even when his dad was alive.
His behavior is that of a borderline personality individual. From the relationships, to his moods, to the suicidal thoughts and self harming behavior. I'm certain he has depression - as his suicide attempt would be evidence. I feel like it's my fault somehow and I want to fix it but I don't know how. He is so bright and loving at times and then it's like a switch is flipped and his mood swings and he has such low self esteem, his behavior is all over the place. He used to be so outgoing and involved but now he has anxiety. One minute he and I can be talking about any and every thing - we get along famously and then it can switch and he can't stand me, I'm asking too many questions and he'll start yelling at me. I have holes in the walls where he's hit them when he gets in his moods. He started drinking alcohol about a year ago - he's still underage - and experimenting with drugs. I know kids will experiment - I wasn't too worried about the pot, I thought he would get through it. The alcohol was a total surprise - he identifies as an alcoholic, something that others in our extended family also suffer from and why we don't have alcohol in our home. At least I thought we didn't.

I'm not sure what to do next. I have seen a therapist about my relationship with him as well as with my elderly parents. I'm a care provider and it goes beyond my profession and into my family life so I was getting overwhelmed. My therapist told me to back off from all of the recent responsibilities as I can - my wife was ill and off work for 2 months so I was working extra plus helping with my parents. Plus, of course, our son was acting out at the same time. Now that my wife is healthy and working, I have less of a load but we are still trying to catch up. But our son is so out of control - I want to help him but I do not know what to do. I can't really talk to my family - they do not know about the suicide attempt, my parents are elderly and it would be too much for them.  My friends know because they were the ones that saved him and I do not want to burden them. My wife is fantastic but it's going to destroy us if we constantly dwell on what to do. She is understanding and wants to let him work it out, see his doctors and take whatever meds they decide he may need. I want to just hold him and tell him he'll be okay but I know that's not the answer. When I look at him I see my little boy - the little angel that would pick strawberries fresh from the garden and eat them while offering me one.
Where do I go from here? How can I help him without making it worse? How do I maintain my sanity when I feel it slipping away?  Logically, I understand what to do - I've helped parents who have been in my place but when I'm the parent I've lost all my nursing skills. I feel so helpless and alone in all of it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi surreal and welcome to bpdfamily 

I'm sorry what you are going through, members here are in similar situations, you are not alone.

You are looking after everyone, much is happening at the same time - your son, partner, elderly parents. I can relate to that. Your therapist is right, back off from any responsibilities you can and you'll know this one, put your oxygen mask on first, breathe, stand back, self care.

What is your sons history, how old is he, you say he has a care provider and psychiatrist. What behaviours are you dealing with? BPD is often co-morbid. How long is it since he's been speaking with you?

Small gentle steps surreal, glad you found us and we look forward to hearing from you. 

WDx

 

[surreal]

Thank you Wendydarling,

My son is 19, he stopped talking to me the night of his overdose - July 4th. When I stop and look at it - it doesn't seem that long, only 2 weeks but it's a lifetime. His moods are up and down - very unpredictable. He just proposed to his girlfriend - a young lady he's been 'dating' since he was 12. He hasn't been interested in any other girl for a relationship since he started seeing her. She moved from his school district, he kept seeing her. She moved from the state, they had a long distant relationship even though she was seeing other boys (her mom and I a very good friends). She moved to another state to go to college and he persisted having a relationship with her. During the years, he was sexually active with other girls but did not want a 'relationship' with anyone else. How do I know he was sexually active? He would get into trouble at school because of it, we even needed a lawyer at one point. The relationship he has kept with her has progressed to her changing her college, moving in with us and now they are engaged. They are going to move out next week. My son cannot keep a job - he losses his temper and with his mood swings, he quits and just walks away. So they are moving out, only her income which is not much and they don't really know where they are going.  I am afraid they will end up on the street.
He has a primary care provider because he has had medical issues plus his general yearly check up. He has a psychiatrist and therapist because his school counselor suggested we have him checked for ADHD - and we did, and he does. Although it's actually ADD - not hyperactive, just attention deficit easily distracted. So we had him go to counseling to work on it, then it progressed to him having depression so he has therapist and the psychiatrist for medications when necessary. They put him on a ritalin type of medication but he had a horrible reaction to it - increased agitation and extremely aggressive to the point of admission to the hospital while he detoxed off the medication to prevent him from hurting himself. He was barely 12 when this happened.

One of my greatest fears is that he will continue to cut me off. He is on my insurance, when my wife spoke with him - she reminded him that he is lucky to  have insurance and he should use it. Apparently he made an appointment with his psychiatrist, whom I have already contacted and left a message with regarding my son's recent suicide attempt and his pmd's thoughts regarding my son having BPD vs bipolar.

My world is so topsy turvy right now.

surreal

[wendydarling]

Hi surreal

I'm sorry your son is not talking to you and can understand your fear this will continue, and wonder if it's shame and guilt he feels.

How is his girlfriend is coping, are you in touch with her?  Have a look at the tools and lessons to the right, you maybe already familiar with them, they'll help you prepare talking with your son and give you confidence, listening with empathy and validating the valid are very powerful tools.

Its good he has been proactive and seen his psychiatrist. Has your son given you a reason why he's not talking? Will you see him next week when they move out, an opportunity to re-engage even if it's centred around the move (a happy occasion for young couples), it may help him move on from not talking to you?

WDx