Should I be nice or should I be strong willed to gain more parenting time?

[SettingBorders]

Hello,

I am totally exhausted after the first four weeks of co-parenting with my BPD/NPD ex boyfriend. Our daugther is 9 months old now. We have a 50/50 schedule, except for the nights, So far, she is still sleeping solely in my flat.

There is so much blaming and so much controlling. I am constantly told that I don't pass on important information (in the real world what happened was that he forgot that I had already told him), pass information the wrong way (writing it down in the exchange book instead of telling him), that I go to baby courses with her when it's her sleeping time (what simply isn't true) and so on ... .He's more that kind of a passive-aggressive blamer. Our daugther witnisses all of that.

I learned all the communication techniques on this side: I am able to stay calm and collected, I don't enroll into JADE'ing anymore, but I find myself saying "yes" when what I want to say is "no". I am trying to deescalate conflict by giving in. But he constantly wants more. I even found myself proposing 50:50 in mediation, because he wanted to have her 70:30.

And the problem is: I am not able to communicate it. Not even to my friends. When I show them an email of him that is full of accusations, they tell me: "Oh, how sad, that's the kind of mail you're sending back and forth." They cannot imagine that I am beeing polite all the time until it hurts and I can still get this kind of mail. With the mediator and common friends he is such a good actor: Everyone believes him that he's having a hard time because of ME.

I am wondering, what serves me best:
1) Beeing patient and nice and hoping that eventually he will loose interest in our child and wants to spend more time for his hobbies, as he always did when we were together. And the less I argue with him about custody, the sooner it will be.
2) Standing my grounds.

[40days_in_desert]

My suggestion is to stick to the court order specifically. If there is a special situation where it makes sense to deviate, get something in return first (I learned that on this site). Be specific and make sure his agreement is received in electronic form. Only address what is necessary and continue not to JADE (good for you for accomplishing this already!). You can stand your ground and be nice. It just may not be his definition of nice. Then again, you can be nice as most people would see it and he may assign another motive to your "niceness". Like my T and others have told me on this site, if you give, they will only want more. There will never be enough. For my ex, this is mostly true in regard to money. I could give her $20,000 a month and it wouldn't be enough. I wish I had that kind of money to give... .
I know that text isn't as preferred as email but I found a program called "PhoneView" that converts text conversations into a PDF. It shows who the conversation is between as the header of the PDF file with the names and phone numbers. It also shows the date and time for each text sent or received which doesn't show when you take screenshots like I have done in the past. I think email is preferred by some on this site because it slows the conversations down. As you probably already know, conversation intensity can rise pretty quick. I have my ex on DND so I don't hear a text alert. I also changed her name in my contacts as "STBXW" so that I don't have to see her name when she sends a text. Seeing her name is an anxiety trigger for me and fortunately her name has a very unique spelling so I doubt that I will ever have anyone in my life with that same spelling.   

[SettingBorders]

Hey 40 days,

thanks for your advice and the tip with that app.  I am doing lots of journalling, as my country is very strict with the secrecy of telecommunications. So sadly, I cannot use that app. I will continue to be nice in our interactions, for sure.
But actually I meant something different. There is no court order, because when he told me he wants 50:50 I said "OK", instead going to court. I am wondering if I should go to court now ... .I just fear so much his reactions ... .he will blame shift even more ... .and he is so high functioning that no one except for myself will see... .

[Panda39]

Yes, at the very least talk with a lawyer about a custody order, find out what your options are and what the pros and cons of having one are.  If something goes wrong and you need the police they've got nothing to go on... .ie your ex keeps your daughter longer than he should what do you have to show them? They would just have a he said/she said situation because there is no legal documentation. You can also use the custody agreement to add in consequences for him not doing things he should etc.  He is already bullying you and testing boundaries... .if he is like my SO's uBPDxw you give an inch he will take a mile.  A court order puts the decisions in the courts hands (which can be good-takes the pressure off you and puts it on the court and can be bad-you may not get everything you want).

Use email for all communication it slows down the interaction and gives you time to think.  Is the email just bashing you, then don't respond.  Is the email bashing you and has something legitimate about your daughter, the respond only to the part about your daughter.  When responding use BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) in other words short and sweet.  Always respond as if a judge will eventually read it (keep your anger, frustration in check) because email gives you documentation that you might need in the future.

Your current situation is about boundaries, having boundaries isn't about being nice or not nice it is about protecting yourself and your daughter. Your focus needs to be on what is best for your daughter not what your ex wants.

Boundaries

Are when you put your values into action and clarify what is and what is not acceptable to you and act accordingly to defend these values.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206736.0

Panda39