Broken communication. What should I do?

[ElizabethL]

Hi everyone, I need a bit of advice on how to proceed about an issue.
My daughter ran away about a year ago because I confronted her about lies she was telling my fiancé. During that particular conversation she backed herself into a corner when saying that she wouldn't continue the conversation until my fiancé was home.  When I said that I would call him to come home right after work to have the conversation she bolted and refused to talk to me. She became very volatile and continued to tell lies about me to my fiancé. When he defended me she turned on him. He got to the point where he wanted to sign the car he let her use over to her, but she refused to see him in order for him to do so, she told him she didn't want the f in car. So we decided to take the car one night. I also closed an account that I had set up with both our names on which I used to support her various wants and needs. Needless to say she came back came back about 6 months ago months ago. We let her because we wanted her to get her life back on track with college.  I set some ground rules, and things seemed fine in the beginning. She started to date this boy in Feb. his parents clearly values then we do, and allow her to spend the night at their house. I told her I didn't agree with it but I was her journey so as long as she let me know she was safe, I would work with that. One night about a week ago she told me she wasn't coming home, she ended up coming home at230am crying, but wouldn't tell me what happened aside from say that someone said something mean to her. She had not brought the boy to my house prior to what ever happened thin the night she came home at 230am. She ended up bringing him her 2 x . I told her it was okay as long as she left the door to her room open. Anyway, on Wednesday oh last week she wanted egged to make cookie dough, I told her I was out and my car was in the shop,but if she wanted to give me a ride to the store I would get some for her. She asked for my bank card a pin. I told her kno, I would go to the store if she brought me and I would get her what she needed. She got very upset with me and left again. I haven't seen her except for on day when she called and asked to barrow money for gas. She called me the day before yesterday to tell me she loved me. Then last night she sent me text claiming that I stole money from her and I was selfish. This is my response... .I understand why you feel that way. I would too.  I welcome the opportunity to have an respectful adult conversation with you about it when you're ready to come home. Her response... .
I'm gunna buy a car and I'm going to move back out because it's clear you don't respect me enough to give me back what you stole from me. It's selfish.
Aside from giving in to her demands, at which point she'll disrespect me any way like she has since she's been home, what should I do. Please note this money was not hers at all she never put a penny into it, even though she feels she's entitled to it.  Also note,  I wouldn't be opposed to helping her if she started treating me with respect.  I just don't know where to go from here... please help

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi Elizabeth

I just want to touch base with you. I'm currently finding it challenging to not react. It's just so hard at times not to.  I got myself a plan at the beginning of this journey and I found it really helped me stay on track, not sweat the small stuff. It was a simple three point plan:

1. Improve my relationship with DS (he was 24, now 26).
2. Get him financial management skills
3. Get him to live independently.

It's going OK, two steps forwards then sometimes 5 back. Patience. Patience. Patience. At least he's agreed to therapy and this is something I honestly thought would never happen.  We all are just trying our very best but, as always, can try a little harder at being more effective. I am tired though.

Your daughter is 20 and I think been home for about 6 months?  Is that right?

Is she working and taking responsibility for some aspects of her life?
How's your therapy going?

Hugs
LP

[ElizabethL]

Hi LP,

It great to hear you're making progress with your son in terms of therapy.

Yes, my daughter is 20, and it's been about 7 months since she came home.
We have done everything to get her back on track, but she's incredibly frustrated with us anytime we talk about her plans and she gets angry and screams at us to leave her alone.
Truth be told, I've wanted to give up many times a kick her out, but my fiancé reminds me that we have to try to get her back on track. Sadly, she seems to be giving up on college. She has a new boyfriend who has cp so he's totally dependent on her for his independence. It's so strange. She a whole different person with this guy. Things she hated now she loves... it's almost like she doesn't know who she is, so she's taking on other people likes.  I've tried many time to get her on the pill but she tells me she doesn't have the time. I'm so damn nervous every month for her to have her period.

Since she been back I've worked hard on myself to let go of all expectations I had for her.  Although, it's a struggle seeing her make choices that can impact her for the rest of her life, I simply accept her for what to is.

I'm not sure what triggered her latest outburst because we never even got into a fight. It's was like a light switch was turned on and she pulled this idea and issue out of nowhere. It's crazy to think that not having eggs in the house would trigger her.
She is working, but keeps taking days of the spend with her boyfriend.
I would love to have 3 steps forward so I could feel good about having her home. Lol

I feel like she trying to emotionally blackmail me. I wish I knew how to end this, but I'm at a loss... The sad thing is I'm willing to help her but not under these circumstances. I feel that issues will arise anyway.

Thanks for responding LP,
I wish you continued luck with your son.

[incadove]

Hi ElizabethL

That sounds really hard, I admire your calm and loving response.

My thought is, if she does move out, it gives you a chance to relate from a more healthy distance.  If she is seeing you as selfish, then your long term providing of whatever support you are willing to give - maybe some single-time gifts that don't become an entitlement, so are only positive, and are helpful in a practical way - and consistent friendly responses, will become valuable to her over time.  If she doesn't want you to talk about plans I think that is ok, she probably needs to figure that out for herself.

If she is able to work enough that she can actually move out, that is probably a really positive thing.

If she wants financial support, and is willing to ask for what she needs in a respectful way, and you give her some specific one time amount at the time she makes a respectful request, that might reinforce positive behavior.  It sounds like the key is not to give her a large amount that you then want to take back, because that sets up a negative cycle.  Maybe you can write her a letter explaining your reasoning and rational for closing the account, and letting her know if she wishes to respond in writing you will read it.  Also at that time you could make her a clear offer of what support you are willing to offer (a small one time thing) under what circumstances, or just to give it freely (but have it be a small amount). 

Sorry if this sounds like dictating, its just how my mind works, I spend a lot of time strategizing what my best response is a lot of times.  Right now I am in a really good place with all my kids, knock on wood, they have matured a lot and hopefully I have too.  But the type of feelings and responses you are describing are familiar to me!

Good luck and remember to stick for the long term!