I have been reading posts,books,etc but have important ques

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi:

I have been reading these posts for years, along with countless book and other websites. I have watched and read on how to deal with someone with BPD but I am not having luck because my soul is being taken and I can't stop it.

I am a great father and husband. I try so hard to please everyone. I also try to take care of myself.

My questions are:
-How do I handle it when things are great, something small happens where I am now blamed and called names? Do I walk away?
-She has told me to my face that as soon as she can find someone else, she is leaving. How can I stay when I kind of believe her. She really does think that everything that she is doing, I am actually the one. Do I wait for her to leave me?
-I am 48 and look 48. She is 42 and looks 30. I am vein. I love having a beautiful wife. How the heck do I leave her and never get anyone close. As I have said, I love having someone so beautiful to come home to and hold. I have not been truly happy with anyone before her. Irony is I am not happy at all when she treeats me like this but like an addict, when she is nice, I am on cloud 9.
-How do I leave me 8 year old with her? He is being controlled by her and goes through the same thing. When she is mad at him, he goes to hug here and she won't hug him. He then gets so sad because he needs to hug her (just like me). How do I stop this? I can't if I leave, yet can't if I stay but at least I can defend him.
-I am afraid to be alone. I am afraid to think of her with anyone else. How the heck do I stop thinking about that?
-Big question that only I can answer but curious what other think, do you stay or go?
-Last question. How do I handle it when she says she is going to leave me fro someone else. It is not a bluff. I truly think when she is mad at me (50% of time), she is looking for someone else. I wouldn't be surprised if she was looking at a dating site.

FYI, I have tried to talk to numerous therapists about my situation saying that I need to be fixed because why am I putting up with this. Both have told me my only solution is for me to leave. I guess they are right but I really don't want to be alone, be without her and especially be without my son.

Thank you for anyone who has read this and thank you for answering if you can!

[fedup2017th]

Hi:

I have been reading these posts for years, along with countless book and other websites. I have watched and read on how to deal with someone with BPD but I am not having luck because my soul is being taken and I can't stop it.

I am a great father and husband. I try so hard to please everyone. I also try to take care of myself.

My questions are:
-How do I handle it when things are great, something small happens where I am now blamed and called names? Do I walk away?
-She has told me to my face that as soon as she can find someone else, she is leaving. How can I stay when I kind of believe her. She really does think that everything that she is doing, I am actually the one. Do I wait for her to leave me?
-I am 48 and look 48. She is 42 and looks 30. I am vein. I love having a beautiful wife. How the heck do I leave her and never get anyone close. As I have said, I love having someone so beautiful to come home to and hold. I have not been truly happy with anyone before her. Irony is I am not happy at all when she treeats me like this but like an addict, when she is nice, I am on cloud 9.
-How do I leave me 8 year old with her? He is being controlled by her and goes through the same thing. When she is mad at him, he goes to hug here and she won't hug him. He then gets so sad because he needs to hug her (just like me). How do I stop this? I can't if I leave, yet can't if I stay but at least I can defend him.
-I am afraid to be alone. I am afraid to think of her with anyone else. How the heck do I stop thinking about that?
-Big question that only I can answer but curious what other think, do you stay or go?
-Last question. How do I handle it when she says she is going to leave me fro someone else. It is not a bluff. I truly think when she is mad at me (50% of time), she is looking for someone else. I wouldn't be surprised if she was looking at a dating site.

FYI, I have tried to talk to numerous therapists about my situation saying that I need to be fixed because why am I putting up with this. Both have told me my only solution is for me to leave. I guess they are right but I really don't want to be alone, be without her and especially be without my son.

Thank you for anyone who has read this and thank you for answering if you can!

[formflier]

I'm glad you have decided to start posting.  Was there an event that got you to start posting?  Why not months ago?  This may help us understand where you are at.

It's against the guidelines of the forum to recommend staying or going. 

I would point out that many find it a wise course of action to learn tools and apply them consistently over time, to see how much improvement is possible, before deciding to leave.  Let's be pragmatic here... .because of a child, you will never really be able to "end" your r/s with her.  Wouldn't it make sense to work on things for a bit and see if there is improvement?

Again... .I'm glad you are here... .and I'm convinced we can help.

FF

[formflier]

-How do I handle it when things are great, something small happens where I am now blamed and called names? Do I walk away?
 

I think it best before dispensing advice... .that you give us a detailed account of a recent time when things were great, something small happened and "kableewy"  the r/s went everywhere.

what was going on before hand... .some detailed he said she said leading up to and after the boom.  We can help you adjust from there.

I'm convinced we can help... .but don't want to assume details.  I'll check back later today.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey fedup, I suggest you start by setting boundaries.  See the drop down menu under Tools above.  Trying so hard to please everyone else is risky because you are placing your self-worth in the hands of others, which is unpredictable.  Ideally, self-worth comes from within.  From what you describe, your W treats you poorly, yet you are willing to put up with it in order to have her by your side.  Does that sum up your situation?

LuckyJim

[fedup2017th]

Thank you to everyone who responded.

I would like to jump into one event that triggered this. We had a nice day at her moms. When we got home, as always, I was looking forward to spending time with my family and going to sleep with her. While in bed, she smacked my son in the butt playfully. He said to stop and she does it again. I told her to stop. He (8 year old) gets upset and they actually start fighting her, they were both laughing but I was saying to please stop. It got a little out of control but it stopped. He (being 8) went up to her and smacked (very lightly) her on the butt. She took his iphone away and told him to go to his room for the night. I told him that he should never hit anyone, especially a woman. He went into his room and I told her that she shouldn't have hit him to start with and that he shouldn't be punished. I can't let her control and her BPD tendencies to continue toward my son.

She then snapped. I am ugly, creepy, she hates me. Will find real husband who isnt so ugly. She will find a real father for our son. She then goes to bed and I am laying there until 2:00 AM. FYI, I am tall and need a queen or king to sleep on. Our room is the only one that has one.

The next day, I go to work.  I come home and of course she is not talking to me. I go upstairs and she starts telling me how much she hates me and I don't think I said much except sorry I couldn't make you happy. She follows me downstairs and tells my 8 year old that she is going to find me a real daddy and get a real husband. He says nothing. We leave for baseball and it appears to have not impacted him.

I come home and she follows me upstairs and said she has been doing research for a long time and has a plan to get me out of the house. I say sorry I coulnd't make you happy but I sure a hell tried.

That is one of a billion examples. Maybe, maybe I can deal with her treating me like this but I do think it is just a matter of her finding someone for her to leave. Also, how do I tolerate her talking like this to my son? How do I set boundaries when she will break them anyway and involve my son.

FYI, she has hit me in the past but not for a long time. She doesn't seem to have a problem hitting my son.

Thanks!

[Fian]

Maybe it would help if you broke your issues into simpler questions.

Your choices are either stay with your wife or remain single.  Which would you prefer?
You can choose to stay married with your wife, or marry a woman of average beauty that doesn't have BPD (don't confuse this with being perfect though).  Which do you choose?
You can either keep your child in the current dysfunctional household where you can act as a buffer, or at best see your child half the time and raise them right, and the other half the time your wife raises your child as she sees fit.  Which is better?

You also mentioned that you hate it when she talks about leaving you.  Some food for thought.  When my wife talks about leaving, I tell her to not talk about it, but just do it if that is what she wants (I have made it clear that is not what I want).  The talking about it part is how she is manipulating you.  Call her on it the next time that she does it.

[Spartacusgrandma]

If you take the attractiveness of your wife out of the situation, perhaps you can see the real issue.

Weather you stay or not is irrelevant, BPD can be mean, manipulative, and sometimes physically violent.  You need to think of the 8 year old.  His mother is unable to care for him.  You cannot leave him.  If you stay, you will spend your life protecting him.  If you go, take him with you at all costs. 
I let my child stay with her abusive parent because that was her choice.  Narcissists are very persuasive.  She is an adult now with BPD.  She hates me.  In fact, she says I was the abuser and that is why she is the way she is. 
My life will always be hell because I failed my child.

[Lucky Jim]

Spartacus: No, you didn't fail your child.  Most likely you did the best that you could in an extremely stressful situation, in the face of a terrible disorder that ruins families, careers and lives.  Suggest you give yourself a break.  You're human, like the rest of us.  I'm a bright guy and tried as hard as I could for as long as I could, but I was unable to break the BPD Code.

Fian:  I like how you broke it down into choices.  Agree, each has to find the best path for him/herself.  Often there are no easy answers when it comes to BPD and likewise one's choices are often between a rock and a hard place.

LuckyJim

[formflier]

I tend to be more on the staying side of things... .vice leaving my relationship.  There are many factors for me... .one of which is that my wife is drop dead gorgeous and we have a very active and enjoyable sex life.

That goes in the good column... .unfortunately there are lots of things in the bad.

If her looks matter to you... .they matter to you.

Said another way... .don't apologize for what you like.

FF

[fedup2017th]

Thank you to all who replied.

I guess part of the problem is not only if I am staying but if she is leaving. She keeps threatening me and I feel if she met someone, she would leave me. Horrible way to live life.

I can't get her to see someone with me. I tried so hard but as most are aware, that would mean something is wrong with her and with a BPD, they can't ever be wrong and their can never be anything wrong with them. We did see someone when we were dating which actually caused me to leave her for 6 months. The therapist is the one who told me about BPD. I was able to leave and be happy but I got all the promises and was able to hold her again so I got trapped again. FYI, the therapist never told Pam, she told me after I kept going to her after I left Pam.

I think that this made her fearful of talking to anyone. Maybe I give an ultimatum and she goes with me or I leave. Then I am back to original questions again.

THis is my latest I need help with. She did what she did and I did nothing wrong (sure that sounds familiar) and she said she is leaving me, she told my son she will find him real dad, etc, etc. I went to her yesterday and said I don't like fighting and for her to please respect me. She said she is leaving me but I can fix this by telling my son that I was wrong to talk to his mom that way. 

My question is, how the heck do I handle this. The weak part of me is ready to cave and then I could be holding her tonight. The strong part of me is saying screw this! What the hell has become of my life where carp like this is happening! The last way is eventually is slowly goes away yet nothing gets resolved.

How the heck can I handle this. I feel I have lost so much of myself and losing more, not only in myself but also in my control. My second question is how the heck do I take back any control?

Thanks,
Fedup

[fedup2017th]

One more quick question! Is it normal for a BPD to forget? She seems to have no memory of our songs, the words I would write her or I said, the things we did. It is so weird. It is if I had a romantic life with someone and she now has Alzheimer and doesn't remember much. It is as if she doesn't remember anything that bought us to being married. She actually gets mad at two songs that were our songs when we met! I listen alone and remember but she doesn't.

Fedup

[formflier]

I only have time for a quick reply.

The threats to leave "usually" just threats... .designed to make you feel anxious.  It appears they are working.

Can you give me some he said she said of the last time or two there were threats... .perhaps I can help you with a different approach that would diffuse the situation. 

Threats suck... .I've been there... .unfortunately... .many times.


"forgetting"  BPD is an "emotional disorder".  So... .they remember feelings over facts. 

The "worse" the BPD... .the more feelings dominate.

So... .a "feeling of the moment" will overshadow what actually happened even a day or two ago.  It can change that quickly. 

Again... .if you can provide some he said she said... .perhaps I can help you sort through a different approach. 

The big picture on threats and "forgetting" is to let them live in their world... .don't convince them of another world... .and don't get drawn into a "reaction" to their world.  Staying friendly and protecting yourself are huge!

More later... .looking forward to some details.

FF

[fedup2017th]

Thank you FF for replying so quickly.

Through all the research I have done over the last 10 years, I know a lot of BPD but reading replies and other posts, really get me hurting! Like others, I am a romantic and strive to please my wife and kids. It kills me that not only do I not get props for being the father and husband I am, I get tortured into being told how bad of a person I am. I don't want to stop being the person I am, loving, caring and a tiny bit needy (I know this is horrible for me being with a BPD.

Here are some examples:
Before bed I said I want to be able to spoil you and do everything for you but you have to be respectful and sometimes do things for me. She says it can only be all about whatever I say and everything that I want. 

Before bed I say"I feel so sad that you want everything to be about you. All i ask is that every once in a while it is about me". She responds with, "oh well. If you don't like it leave".

For our 10 year anniversary, I contacted numerous successful musicians who sung 9 songs that I wrote for her. This is how I was partially able to get her thourgh my words. She listened to a song and said "what the hell is this ___?" I say it is all my words that I had musicians put into songs. She said shut it off and will not listen to the cd. I tell her how much it hurts me and she said to "write
 a song about how hurt you are".

Mother's Day. I go through all of our old pictures, my niece, my son with her and my daughter and son with my first marriage. I go through each year and get one picture for frames that have 12 openings. I make into black and white and Photoshop each and get printed so they fit the opening. I give to her for Mothers day and she says nothing. I say, don't you love these? She says no because I am so selfish because I only made it for me knowing she wouldn't like it. FYI, I spent almost $2,000 on her birthday including a $1,200 purse she wanted.

FYI, I almost never get any presents for my birthday or Christmas.

She goes to bed most nights without saying good night. She just shuts off the TV. I said, good night honey. It really hurts me that you don't say goodnight to me. She says, "I can't stand your voice".

I have been writing a book about parenting for years and finally completed it (without her much needed help). I surprised her with a copy of my completed book. She looked at it and said it was a horrible idea and I shouldn't have wasted my money. I didn't spend anything. It is self published but I actually made some money on it.

I come home from work so excited to see her.  Even though nothing wrong, she ignores me. I say please give me a hug. She doesn't. I say why can't you hug me when I get home and she says, , I Dont like your personality she says to me. Says always around in a circle and now she wants to stay outside the circle. I didn't do anything! She said mean things and i didn't say anything back. I just asked her numerous times how i could help her.

Back to today. She is going out with some local friends tonight. I will be home waiting for her to come home at 2:00 and make sure she slams the door and pull the blanket off of me. When I awake, she will be sure to mention how much fun she had without me and how great life is going to be without me. I will then be lying next to someone I want to hold, confused about how illogical this all is and be up all night.

I have a billion more examples but I think you get it. FYI, this is examples of her being mean which is a decent amount of the time but there are a whole bunch of times when she is nice. Not necessarily romantic or appreciate but nice.

Thanks,
Fedup

[fedup2017th]

She just asked me for our tax return. Should I play the game and give it to her? It is always a game but she likes to always win so if I give her, she will probably go somewhere with it.

[DearHusband]

Fedup2017h,

I totally relate in many ways. One that comes through in your posts is that you are trying to appeal to her by being a nice guy. It almost seems that the more you do this, the less she is attracted to you.

Thoughts?

DH

[fedup2017th]

There is something going on where the control is getting overwhelming. I have dealt with the up and down rollarcoaster ride with being with a BPD spouse but the  the latest control is getting hard to deal with. Even when things are "good", she still makes it sem like I am lucky to be with her.

I agree with a lot of these posts that say i shouls stay for my 8 year old son's sake and I would like to stay but when does it become too much. She makes me seem like I am here to please her and I am carp.

Dedup

[Fian]

It appears that there is a push/pull dynamic going on here.  She wants to pull away and you are pursuing.  That makes her push you away even more.  With this dynamic if you don't pursue, she will stop pulling away and eventually come closer.

BPD also have big fears of abandonment.  I think one thing she is doing is threatening you with leaving to make sure you don't leave her.

[lolli]

BPD also have big fears of abandonment.  I think one thing she is doing is threatening you with leaving to make sure you don't leave her.

I absolutely agree with this.

Also, you have mentioned several times that you would be leaving your child behind if you left. If you are at all considering leaving your wife, you should consult a lawyer first to find out exactly what your rights and options are concerning your child. You may have more options than you think you do.

[formflier]

Why would you want to give her a copy of a tax return?  Why doesn't she have her own files?  If she signed the return, she can get copies from the IRS. 

Realize before you go down this road... .that she will not like this response... .and honestly I'm not suggesting you give her exactly that response.  I do want you to know that you are not the provider or preventer of her getting a tax return.

I think it would be better to have a conversation about what information she is wanting.  If she is being mean and demanding... .I would suggest you not lift a finger to help her.  Not saying that you should explain that to her.

If she is nice and reasonable... .then have a nice and reasonable response.

How does this sound to you?

FF

[Radcliff]

Hello FedUp,

You are dealing with a force of nature here.  You can't control your wife any more than you could control a hurricane.  But what you can control is yourself.  Read up on boundaries.  They're not about getting someone to do what you want, but about how you react when someone violates them.  You may find that by applying some of the BPD coping skills you can head off a blowup.  Providing validation to your wife, who ironically needs it desperately even though she invalidates you, can be helpful when things are heading for trouble.  But once the ridicule starts flying, in my experience, all you can do is be calm and ride it out.  When validating, remember only to validate what's true.  If she hurls insults at you like you never help around the house, you're not a real man, she'll find someone better, you can say "Hey, I really should have helped pick up the kitchen tonight, I'm sorry," while ignoring the BS part.  And do it calmly and confidently.  For some reason, my wife is a shark and attacks any hint of weakness.  Yet she wants me to be kind and sensitive.  Things to best when I stand up tall, talk softly, validate where possible, don't show weakness, yet don't try to control her.

My wife regularly threatens to leave and find a real husband.  She makes other wild threats as well.  Your wife may follow through, but the threats may just be part of a pattern that could go on for another decade or two.  I just about came unglued until I figured out the secret.  I have to be at peace with whatever happens.  If she leaves, she leaves.  I couldn't control her if I wanted to.  I'm clear with her that i don't want her to, but I am not afraid of it.  Once I stopped letting fear control me, it became hugely easier to set boundaries for myself.  Of course, once you start setting boundaries, you may well get an "extinction burst" and she'll get even more extreme for a while, so be ready.  Boundaries are tough, so read up as much as you can, and start with small successes.

I would recommend that you start keeping a journal for two reasons.  First, when you read it later with some distance, you'll see what you're putting up with.  I know you were there, but when you read it, it's more like it happened to someone else, and you may have a better sense of how unreasonable what's happening is.  It will help you take a measure of how off kilter things are.  Second, if you ever do end up in a custody fight, the kinds of things we see with BPD can be very difficult to prove or explain.  Yet if you have a detailed journal a family court expert may read it and be totally convinced.  Read the book "Splitting," to get an understanding of how to prepare -- the book is specifically about divorcing someone with BPD.  I am *not* telling you to go that route, but say this both so you can be prepared to help yourself and your son if it comes to that, and so you can see that if it did come to that, you could handle it, so you're less likely to be acting out of fear and can come to the decision that's truly best for you and your son.  If you keep a journal, it's important to remember that it might be read by someone who is doing a custody evaluation (if you give it to them) so keep it respectful, with minimal venting, focused on the facts, concentrating mostly on clearly inappropriate stuff and not on annoyances.  Details about how she treats your son are important, such as the hitting and withholding of affection.  It is obviously important that she never find the journal.  Be as involved as you can in your son's caregiving (school, activities, setting up play dates with friends) and make a note of this in the journal.

[Radcliff]

Hello FedUp,

That last post was long, but I have a few more thoughts.  I hope this is helpful.  I'm a little sleep deprived by some late night BPD drama on my end, so if I'm not making sense just ignore me

You mentioned people encouraging you to stay for your son's sake.  I think it's less clear than that, it's a tough choice.  I think that Fian was spot-on the way he described your choices.  My kids are about ten years older than yours,  and I put up with buckets of misery in order to stay close to my kids 100% of the time.  I look at the relationship I formed with my youngest daughter in her early grade school years, and I'm glad I was there.  But one possibility I didn't see was the one Fian outlined of 50/50 custody.  I assumed what my wife was telling me was true -- that I'd only be able to see them every other weekend.  When my wife was ripping apart my daughter verbally a while back, and getting physical with me in front of her, I started to think that having my daughter be able to spend half her time in a peaceful household that I controlled may be the best outcome.  Discussions with a lawyer I trust, and a journal full of craziness, make 50/50 custody seem like an achievable thing.  For now, I'm staying, posting on both the "Improving" board and the "Conflicted" board, and doing what I can do to make things better.  One final point I wanted to relate to you is that when kids get older, in a way divorce seems more difficult.  I've got D16 about to launch to college, and do I really want to ruin her last year of high school with the stress of divorce, and set her out into the world not looking back?  With a child from 8-10 it seems like the early bonding is accomplished, and you have a good number of years to hit a "new normal" after a divorce to raise them before they launch.  In my experience of three kids, it becomes more difficult to shape their behavior once they hit 13. 

You've got a tough situation, and I absolutely don't want to tilt you one way or another, though I did want to share the timing thing with you as I wish I could go back 10 years and know what I know now   Best wishes for improving the current situation and facing decisions about what path you take.

[fedup2017th]

I am sorry that I have not replied to these AMAZING replies from all of you. I have been on vacation and only have access to these forums at work.

I just can't get over how many are in the same situation as I am. It makes me feel less crazy but also makes me feel so frigging sad. All of us poor people out there doing whatever we can just to get by in life due to someone we love, abusing us. Maybe some don't see this as abuse but I do. TO be called the names I do, fat, ugly, horrible father, etc as well as other abuse such as what happened last night.

I have not been sleeping due to her actions. I mean like 4-5 hours for the last week. She makes sure of it. Yes, I know I need to be stronger but it gets me, especially at night.

I know it sounds like an easy solution but I am on the tall side and can't sleep on anything lesser than a queen. We only have a king in our room. I also need it cool when I sleep. I am not an anal person by any stretch (the opposite) but when it comes to sleeping, I am and she knows this. She won't let me buy a queen bed for any of the spare rooms. Should I do it anyway, knowing it would cause a HUGE fight? She claims she loves the beds in there and I can't replace. This would give me a place to "get away". The other issue with this is now the temperature will be controlled in the room she is in. She will put it very hot so I can't sleep. She actually has been doing this each night so even when I do go to sleep, I get up sweating and can't go back to sleep. This all sounds so silly but I need my sleep and she is actually torturing me before bed. If I am sleeping, she slams the door to the room, moves temperature up, its on the light. How can boundaries help with this?

I do hate hearing it but love your advice. The only way to be able to "live" is to be ok with any of her decisions she decides to make and know I will be able to be ok. Easier said than done but I will try. Another questions, does it hurt me if she does try to divorce me and files the paperwork first and says I am abusive. Remember, everything she says to me, she remembers as me saying to her so she thinks I am a horrible person because she is looking at herself.

I have been keeping a journal for a long time. One of the reasons is I forget what starts each argument. She plays with my mind and turns everything on me. Even when I prove it, she still

I hate living life like this. I am a good person who provides for his family and does everything he can to make everyone happy.

Fedup

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, fedup, Your story is quite familiar, sad to say.  Be careful because sleep deprivation is one of the techniques used to break down prisoners.  It can affect one's judgment.  I should know, because my BPDxW used to chase me around the house and keep me up nights.  I shudder thinking of those dark days.  Yes, it is abuse so don't kid yourself.

LuckyJim

[formflier]

FEDUP,

Keep coming back.

I'm going to argue that you "don't have to be ok with whatever she does"... .you should know that there are better ways to respond to dysfunctional behavior.

It's a long process... .your life and relationship can be better.   

Best thing... you don't need the cooperation of your pwBPD.

FF

[Radcliff]

FedUp,

I agree with you that it is ridiculous and sad that so many of us are dealing with this!  Like Lucky Jim did, I get chased around the house in the middle of the night.  My wife is absolutely desperate to maintain control and completely irrational.  She can be chasing me around the house at 1 am, being very aggressive and threatening, yet upset that I am not being kind to her or my body language or tone of voice are not just right.

The sleep deprivation has got to stop.  It screws up work, interferes with parenting, makes driving dangerous, and makes us less effective at handling ourselves in the face of our pwBPD's behavior.  I am in the same boat you are in now, so don't have great advice.  I need to keep studying boundaries and consequences.
I don't think buying an extra mattress against her wishes will help if she is willing to go flip the lights on and wake you up.  Are there any consequences that matter to your wife?  Mine gets very upset if I leave the house.  That gives me some leverage sometimes if I combine it with good skills.

[formflier]

Fedup

For now... I seem to have conquered sleep issues related to BPD.

It was a long process but I involved doctors... pastors police and had strong boundaries.

Have you ever left to go sleep in a hotel?  Do you have a go bag ready?

Ever done a sleep study?

Please understand there is no option here where you get to sleep and your wife is happy.  None.  She wants control... .you will deny that. 

Stay away from talking her into this.  Focus on action.

FF

[Fian]

It sounds like you need to buy a queen bed and a password protected thermostat.

[fedup2017th]

I slept last night! I waited for her to go to sleep and took a few Advil PM and slept 9 hours. Unfortunately, I woke up and she was leaving the house saying she was meeting someone. This is a tactic she uses. I finally sleep and feel good and she has to play games by making me think, who is she meeting, is it another guy that she keeps promising me she will do or is it someone to help her with divorce as she has promised to do. As I write this, I laugh at myself, knowing how crazy I sound. I have never been an overly jealous person but with her games, and the fact I am partially broken due to this relationship, I find myself thinking of another guy (or girl) being with my wife and it hurts and makes me feel jealous.

What board should I go to from here? Should I be planning to leave, just in case she decides (or I do) to divorce me or cheat on me? I hate feeling so sad and trying to lift myself up all the time and then, things are great! Yeh. . It is like I am in world.

I am reading all about boundaries and trying to implement but wanted to say one more thing that is killing me. I hate that she doesn't remember anything about us. She actually has very little memory of anything about us together. She gets mad at our songs that were ours when we first met thinking they are not about us. She doesn't remember any of the beautiful life we had and how romantic is was. It is like I am married to someone with Alzheimers. Were they think they are living with a stranger.

I keep asking myself, is life supposed to be so hard? Especially when we have money and health.  I worry, what if I get sick? Is she the one who will take care of me?

Fedup

[Radcliff]

Hi FedUp,

If it were my wife, she would almost certainly not be going to meet someone for real.  See if you can get to a place where you don't even wonder about it.  She is dealing from a position of weakness, not strength.  Try to feel confidence for yourself and empathy for her.

What board?  I am in favor of sticking with "Improving for a while, and visiting "Conflicted."  There is so much to learn, especially when it comes to consistently applying the techniques to deal with BPD.

Congrats on a good night sleep

Yes, I am sad to say that my wife seems to remember almost nothing good about us.  You are not alone in experiencing that.  My wife says I do not add any value for her, yet I see when I am able to successfully soothe her and make her feel good.  You may not be able to trust her words but look for other signs you are making a difference for her.

[fedup2017th]

She is going away on vacation with her sister and my son. She has not been nice to me at all

My question is, I went to the store and bought some cards which I was going to write a few things in such as lets just get along and I want to be able to not fight type of things. Should I do this? Should I try to make things good before she leaves or is this what she feeds off of?

Also, I am doing boundaries (or at least trying) but how do I handle the way she is with my son. Example is, she gives him so much oove when she is mad at me and then when ok with us, he gets a lot less. She actually acts almost like a girlfriend to him. She knows it ticks me off. She does things to him that she knows I want  from her in front of me. He is in his glory. It is getting a little weird. She is always kissing him and smacking his but while he is kissing her, hugging her.  He told his mom he likes when she hits his butt when they are hugging or kissing and she continues to do it. He sometimes kissing her wile her legs are open and he lays on top. Sorry to be graphic but it is getting so frigin weird. How does this work with boundaries? how do I handle this? The weird part (like she wants), is I am actually getting a little jealous over the attention she is giving him. It is a little like me living with her and her boyfriend!

So, do I try to make things ok (which she will make me apologize for her being mean, saying I was), do I put a few cards in her luggage? How do I handle the weirdness of her and my son?

Thanks,
FEDUP.