introduction

[Elskalle]

hi all,
I am a 60 something professional. I was married to a BPD who passed away almost 20 years ago.  We had a boy and girl, they were teens at the time of her death.  She was high functioning but  in Full raging "border-lion" mode for the last few years of her life and used the children like chess men to wage her campaign.  My Daughter had a child [ girl ]  several years ago and it seems to have pushed her over the edge into a similar pattern to her mother.  My daughter first pushed away her partner and then chose my current wife as the object of her campaign and is now no longer speaking to us and we have no contact with the granddaughter. 
One of the things I find curious is that she is behaving almost as if she is reading the script of her mothers life with BPD inasmuch as my first wife was a young teen when her mother died and then she picked a battle with her stepmother and moved away not speaking to her father for many years. During those years she portrayed her stepmother much like a wicked witch and her father as a mean brute.  When I met them later I found them both to be most affable and very much unlike the portrayal I had heard for years.  It was only later I learned about BPD and saw how my first wife suffered with it and came to terms with all the pain and confusion I had suffered as well.
I practice meditation and take care of myself.  as does my current wife [ who is very knowledgeable about this condition and recommended me to this board ].  We have tried several carefully planned avenues of communication to no avail and the status does not appear to offer any change in the near future.
I am sad and sometimes feel like a bad dad and grandpa.  I love children and have other step-grandchildren who I get to interact with in  a healthy way . I have healthy relations with my 3 stepchildren and their families. My son does not live close but we still have good relationship.  All this just seems to intensify the sadness and sense of helplessness through contrast.  I take this into meditation and mindfulness and that helps me enormously but then sometimes at 3 AM there it is ,the stinking pot the early morning mind loves to stir.
"I just don't know what to do", goes the thought.  "do nothing and nothing goes undone", says the Tao. " I just don't know what to do", goes the thought... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Radcliff]

Welcome!  I am sorry to hear your story, and your concerns about your relationship with your daughter.  All you can do, is, well, do all you can do, as you know.  One book I found worth reading was "Understanding the Borderline Mother," by Christine Lawson.  Please stay with us and make use of the boards -- I hope you find them as useful as I have -- and keep us posted.

[Elskalle]

My son is getting married and my wife was invited to the brides shower last weekend.  We arrived and found that the BP daughter was there.  I thought perhaps we will have an opportunity to reconnect but alas no.  She pointedly ignored us both and never spoke a single sylable.  we saw the grandaughter but did not get to interact.
The wedding is in two weeks and we are not sure what will be the best way to proceed.
A complication has arisen.  My brother and I are on very good terms and we are going to meet at a campground next weekend and spend some time together.  We have been informed that he and his wife are going to visit the BP daughter and [ their] grandneice but; " we are not getting in themiddle of  this ( the cold shoulder treatment by BP to me )."  I am feeling completely flatfooted .  They clearly -are- getting in the middle but well intentioned and thoroughly uninformed about BPD [ even though they knew the BPs mother].
So I am re-reading ; stop walking on eggshells... ., and I come accross the section that says  "we believe the BPs behavior is not intentionally manipulative."  I am really struggling with this. it seems like hair splitting. 
If I put arsenic in your coffee to make you shut up because I think you talk too much... .I suppose you could say I didn't intentionally kill you.  but isnt that ridiculously moot?
Her campange to convince her brother that we are to blame for her behaviour is ongoing , consistent and insidious.  I fear that this will happen with my brother as well.
I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of a loaded gun.

[Elskalle]

My son is getting married and my wife was invited to the brides shower last weekend.  We arrived and found that the BP daughter was there.  I thought perhaps we will have an opportunity to reconnect but alas no.  She pointedly ignored us both and never spoke a single sylable.  we saw the grandaughter but did not get to interact.
The wedding is in two weeks and we are not sure what will be the best way to proceed.
A complication has arisen.  My brother and I are on very good terms and we are going to meet at a campground next weekend and spend some time together.  We have been informed that he and his wife are going to visit the BP daughter and [ their] grandneice but; " we are not getting in themiddle of  this ( the cold shoulder treatment by BP to me )."  I am feeling completely flatfooted .  They clearly -are- getting in the middle but well intentioned and thoroughly uninformed about BPD [ even though they knew the BPs mother].
So I am re-reading ; stop walking on eggshells... ., and I come accross the section that says  "we believe the BPs behavior is not intentionally manipulative."  I am really struggling with this. it seems like hair splitting. 
If I put arsenic in your coffee to make you shut up because I think you talk too much... .I suppose you could say I didn't intentionally kill you.  but isnt that ridiculously moot?
Her campange to convince her brother that we are to blame for her behaviour is ongoing , consistent and insidious.  I fear that this will happen with my brother as well.
I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of a loaded gun.