rock bottom

[chillamom]

Hi,

Last night I found out from a caring friend that my children and close friends are so worried about the BPD/NPD person and so scared of his potential actions that they are staging an "intervention" for me, where they will all sit down and be very blunt about how this relationship has affected me and thus them.  The friend who told me is involved as well, and she felt very bad about "ratting the others out" but she wanted me to know, and I appreciate her telling me.  Apparently they are all going to present a plan to me that will involve exactly how they feel I should handle the situation.  FULL NC, restraining order, etc.

And to top things off, I have a benign but scary heart condition (supraventricular tachycardia for the medically oriented) that is causing me great discomfort today, with close to 24 hours of painful heart palpitations that are close to sending me to the hospital.  I know this condition is triggered by stress.  I KNOW IT IS HIM.

So, I'm not waiting for this intervention.  I'm saving my own life today.  Saving my relationships with my children.  I don't honestly give a fat rat's behind how he takes it.  I'm sorry.  This is my life versus his.  My children versus his diagnosed and admittedly terrible disorder. 

I am calling him later this afternoon and telling him in no uncertain terms I can never see him again.  EVER.  and I am blocking him on every piece of technology known to humankind.  After 9 years (tomorrow would have been our 9 year anniversary) THIS IS UNEQUIVOCALLY OVER.  I will NOT let him take my family.  I WILL NOT let him take my life.

I am more resolute than angry.  I still have compassion for him, but my family is devastated by the depression, anxiety, "brain fog" and martyr behavior I have shown.  They see him as a dangerous and abusive man.  The scales have fallen completely from my eyes and I am putting aside all positive feelings and memories and seeing him the same way.

Today is Independence Day.  Thanks for letting me state this truth, and wish me luck.

[happendtome]

I wish you luck and i hope you will stick with your plan. You have wasted 9 years, dont waste any more. Its not love, it never was, it was obsession. He knew what to say and that was his trick. That wasnt love, believe me.

I thought also that there was big love between me and my ex, but now, when i have been out, then i see each day more and more clearly that there wasnt anything actually. It was pain and i also picked up some medical problems.

[Helplessly]

I don't understand this compassion for him talk. I really don't. I'm glad your friends are intervening.  I hope they proverbially shake the compassion out of you. He's a danger to your family. Again, how would you want your daughter to respond to a man that hints at fuc*ing her children?

In my case I treated myself like an addict. Still am.  i believe you should come to terms that this is an addiction.  All of the chemical responses are the same.

Addicts know the drug may ultimately kill them, yet they go back.

He may ultimately cause your death.

Fuc* him.   

[chillamom]

Helplessly,

As my generation used to say, RIGHT ON.

And I do understand the addictive aspect, which is why I'm going to CODA tomorrow night when they meet.

Done and done, thank you.

[chillamom]

Thanks, happenedtome.  I agree 9 years is enough!  And I'm sorry to hear that you too ended up with some health issues from the situation - I believe that the body is very resilient and with enough time and distance we will absolutely heal!

[forlorn]

Wow! Congratulations on your resolve and clarity!  I'm coming up on the 9 year mark with my partner, and there are days when 9 years feels like a very heavy yoke to bear.  My son (not the child of my partner) left the house last night due to an interaction between the three of us, and it really made me stop to think.  Usually I run interference, so negative interactions don't happen too often between them, but wasn't able to do that last night. Came very close to having to choose between my son and my partner, which is not even a contest, but is a situation I've been trying to avoid.  Very interested to see how you are handling this.  What exactly was it that removed the "scales" from your eyes after so long?

[allienoah]

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU CHILLAMOM!      

You are speaking with resolve and clarity and STRENGTH! I am giving you a high-five, fist-pump and a big hug.
This is all about you and your family. Brace yourself for his reaction and let it lie there. Do  not pick it up. I am very interested in the CODA meeting you found, as I would like to partake in one as well.
People love you - your friends and kids love you--let that be enough for now and above all--LOVE YOURSELF!

Today is independence day for you indeed! Keep us posted in your progress!

[allienoah]

I would also like to add that it is imperative for you to take care of your health. A cardiac issue can certainly be traced to stress and he has provided the lion's share of this.
Your health is much more important to you, and your loved ones.

[GaGrl]

Thanks, happenedtome.  I agree 9 years is enough!  And I'm sorry to hear that you too ended up with some health issues from the situation - I believe that the body is very resilient and with enough time and distance we will absolutely heal!

So proud of your resolve!

As to the health issues, my DH stayed legally married to now-ex (uNPD/BPD) for over 30 years, although they did not live together the last 10 years.  During those years, her PD behaviors were so stressful to him that he developed a number of health issues -- high blood pressure, diverticulosis, heart murmur (complicated by having WPW Syndrome), and an STD (thanks to her constant infidelities, the kind that stays with someone forever).  All were conditions aggravated by stress.  Now that their marriage is over and DH and I are in a stable, supportive marriage -- guess what?  He manages his conditions with reduced meds, but with the diverticulitis and herpes -- he has had NO EPISODES for over five years.   Hmmmmmm... .can't convince us there is no mind/body connection... .

[Harley Quinn]

Chillamom!    You ought to have titled your post 'Bouncing Back from Rock Bottom'!  Congratulations on making this decision.  I know it has been very tough for you to reach this point and I am very proud of you for taking the bull by the horns.  The only way is up from here.  Take a deep breath and savour it.

Love and light x

[chillamom]

Thanks, everyone. I'd write more except I'm being admitted to the hospital for cardiac testing.

[kc sunshine]

We're with you chillamom and sending you so much good healing for your heart.

[chillamom]

Thanks kc!  They were at least able to determine I didn't have a heart attack so that great news, but they can't get the arrhythmia under control as of yet. Obviously I have an underlying condition, but the cardiologist was clear that severe stress can trigger this. A cautionary tale for sure. Needless to say, this is my intervention.

[happendtome]

I dont know where you live, but long nature walks each day would help a lot. You should start walkings slowly as otherwise you could put too much physical pressure to your heart as your heart is already doing extra work.

[allienoah]

Chillamom I send best wishes for a speedy recovery! You stay strong and firm-we are all here for you!
How long will you be in hospital?
Keep taking care of yourself!

[forlorn]

Hi!  I have an arrhythmia, too.  And I definitely notice more activity when I'm stressed.  Has anyone talked to you about dehydration?  I know that might sound silly, but my family doctor (who also has an arrhythmia) mentioned it to me, even though my cardiologist didn't.  And it helps!  Probably not when you're having an episode, but as a preventative.

Thinking of you!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi chillamom,

Obviously I have an underlying condition, but the cardiologist was clear that severe stress can trigger this. A cautionary tale for sure. Needless to say, this is my intervention.

You know it never ceases to fascinate me how amazingly complex and intelligent our bodies are.  It seems like sometimes they have the ability to take over and say 'Right, enough is enough now'.  It has happened to me before.  When things get on top in life my body can literally shut down and refuse to allow me to go on subjecting myself to things.  I suffer from a chronic pain condition and have found that I can have a terrible episode lasting days which means I can no longer function at all and this can be when I need to stop running myself ragged but am not listening to my inner voice screaming this at me. 

I'm so glad you're listening to your body and putting your well being first.  I hope that you are quickly feeling much better physically and that everything else falls into place for you.

Love and light x   

[Jim579]

Hang in there, Chillamom!

This may also be an opportunity to appreciate your decision, and recognize how important it is, outside of your normal environment.  I know hospitals are generally quick to boot patients out the door, but you may still have a half-day to step out of your immediate situation to rest.

My T said yesterday that my pwBPD's injury was a similar opportunity. Since she's recuperating next door, there has been some time to think through all of this, without the constant pressure/angst.

Hope you get some answers, but also, some peace.