Filed week ago: revealing talk

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

He had been threatening me with divorce for 6 years, raging, name calling and so on. We even tried mediation and at one point hevtold me that if I cancelled mediation  we'd talk shout our issues at the diner every Sunday. When I cancelled, he denied ever saying that. Last night he admitted he lied but there were so many issues is what he said. I went into his bedroom to discuss that in divorce he would have to work until 67(he's 52$z I guess it's some new federal law and once again suggested that we stay married for financial reasons and llove separately. He said that there's nothing wrong with and he does nothing wrong and I paint him as a villain when I call him out for telling his boss to duck off or having our 18 year old daughter sleep in jos bed (he's been doing it sporadically since she was a teen and when I pressured him and asked what his boss would say if I told him, he said I'd get him fired). I made the mistake of telling my son that'vwe are divorcing because he's emotionally absolve , 21, and my husband now says that I told the kids he beats me. The circular conversation was kept short on both ends because we both know it's over. He says I am abusive and I rage st him. He is a victim who will work forever, take care of himself after his prostate cancer of last year since none of us care (I had cancer in 2000) and that's that. We will sell the house and be done. The few examples of behaviors we discussed were all twisted and he insisted on each one that he is not a horrible person and I have been telling everyone that he is including my therapist. His therapist and coworkers all know how wonderful he is. It was very important that he proved that. Meanwhile I had not realized the extent of covert invest hes  had with both my kids, 18 and 21. While I've. Even trying to learn all I can about borderline and how to fix our marriage, he's been over parenting, bringing them breakfast in. Ex, packing their suitcases, calling them 2-3 timer persuade, having lunch dates with my daughter )saw text on the phone), selecting their college classes and ordering their books. I guess in the 6 years, he's been planning the exit. I thought with every threat and then recant, he wanted to work on the relationship. I guess he really did paint me black and in the process I am going to lose my whole family. We have no relatives and while they are both off to college next month, they seem to lean on him for everything as he's become their best buddy and I'm just the third wheel. I am upset that I was so shocked and taken aback by the borderline stuff that I didn't engage on his competitive ploy to have the kids like or need him better. I guess that makes sense with his strong need to be liked. For now, I'll attend to the business of getting the house ready and realize that at least for a while I will have lost them. Hopefully we will be able to have a relationship after this. I guess I kind of feel like a lot of divorced dads must feel. Discarded and forgotten.

[Karmajoy]

He had been threatening me with divorce for 6 years, raging, name calling and so on. We even tried mediation and at one point hevtold me that if I cancelled mediation  we'd talk shout our issues at the diner every Sunday. When I cancelled, he denied ever saying that. Last night he admitted he lied but there were so many issues is what he said. I went into his bedroom to discuss that in divorce he would have to work until 67(he's 52$z I guess it's some new federal law and once again suggested that we stay married for financial reasons and llove separately. He said that there's nothing wrong with and he does nothing wrong and I paint him as a villain when I call him out for telling his boss to duck off or having our 18 year old daughter sleep in jos bed (he's been doing it sporadically since she was a teen and when I pressured him and asked what his boss would say if I told him, he said I'd get him fired). I made the mistake of telling my son that'vwe are divorcing because he's emotionally absolve , 21, and my husband now says that I told the kids he beats me. The circular conversation was kept short on both ends because we both know it's over. He says I am abusive and I rage st him. He is a victim who will work forever, take care of himself after his prostate cancer of last year since none of us care (I had cancer in 2000) and that's that. We will sell the house and be done. The few examples of behaviors we discussed were all twisted and he insisted on each one that he is not a horrible person and I have been telling everyone that he is including my therapist. His therapist and coworkers all know how wonderful he is. It was very important that he proved that. Meanwhile I had not realized the extent of covert invest hes  had with both my kids, 18 and 21. While I've. Even trying to learn all I can about borderline and how to fix our marriage, he's been over parenting, bringing them breakfast in. Ex, packing their suitcases, calling them 2-3 timer persuade, having lunch dates with my daughter )saw text on the phone), selecting their college classes and ordering their books. I guess in the 6 years, he's been planning the exit. I thought with every threat and then recant, he wanted to work on the relationship. I guess he really did paint me black and in the process I am going to lose my whole family. We have no relatives and while they are both off to college next month, they seem to lean on him for everything as he's become their best buddy and I'm just the third wheel. I am upset that I was so shocked and taken aback by the borderline stuff that I didn't engage on his competitive ploy to have the kids like or need him better. I guess that makes sense with his strong need to be liked. For now, I'll attend to the business of getting the house ready and realize that at least for a while I will have lost them. Hopefully we will be able to have a relationship after this. I guess I kind of feel like a lot of divorced dads must feel. Discarded and forgotten.

[takingandsending]

Hi Karmajoy.

All that you can do is provide consistent, sound loving for your children whenever you have the opportunity. In time, they will understand that you are there for them. I am sorry you have gone through so much adversity, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's taking me time to sort it out, but it feels a little better every day that I am not engaging with my stbxw.

[Karmajoy]

The rage really petrifies me. One time his mother called asking to see the kids who she hasn't seen in a few years. She's 81. He told me that he yelled so loudly at her that he doubts she will ever call him back. It seems his anger towards me never goes away. My mother is a narc, my father borderline and his mother is a narc. I married familiar and I'm 49 years old. I don't know what a non-abusive relationship is like. Deep down I know this is for the best but I feel like a failure. I can hardly believe we speak the same language and it seems his actions are all rage driven. I wish there were a pressure valve he could release. Scary. Time can't go by fast enough.

[SamwizeGamgee]

So sorry you're in this mess.  It must feel terrible.  I'm a dad and know that my uBPDw gets a lot more time to "condition" the kids and paint me black as she wishes.  It' hard to see this happening. 
I will point out these ideas:

First off, it's your H's anger.  It's his problem, his actions.  I know it might be hard, but, please find a way to disconnect his anger from you feeling bad about you or something you have / haven't done.  Build an imaginary wall between you two if you can.  His rage is his problem.

Secondly, at some point, the kids are adults, or will be soon. As you H is an adult.  One or the other is going to have to cut the apron strings.  You can't control it, and maybe the less you know about it the better.  It seems to me that sooner or later the girls in a healthy environment (not home with dad) will come to realize the abnormality of the relationship and push back. One can hope, but again, they are adults or nearly adults.  That said, if there is a crime being committed (such as incest / CSA / rape) I think everyone would expect you to report it.

Prayers and best wishes for you!

[ForeverDad]

All that you can do is provide consistent, sound loving for your children whenever you have the opportunity. In time, they will understand that you are there for them. I am sorry you have gone through so much adversity, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's taking me time to sort it out, but it feels a little better every day that I am not engaging with my stbxw.

T&S is essentially writing that over time your example and your consistently providing practical and supportive validation to your children may bring them around.  While you neither praise nor overly badmouth the other parent, you be the solution person.  Help them reason out what they've observed.  Reinforce correct observations and conclusions, constructively and gently help them when they don't.