Hi PhillyRick
You wrote a great post. For me it was like reading my story except for the duration, my partner and I didn't last as long as 40 years. I am glad you joined. Thank you.
I felt that if she had been diagnosed with cancer or had a head injury from an accident I would not want to leave her
In the past I have said almost the exact same thing. Almost word for word. My partner was diagnosed as bipolar 1 comorbid with another disorder. She would never name the other disorder. I eventually came to my own conclusion that it was either BPD or NPD and that those two disorders are so very close they are difficult for professionals to tell apart.
My partner was/is compliant with medication, regular with therapy, careful about potential food/drink/sleep triggers which could create a bipolar mania event. She would acknowledge that she wasn't neuro typical, even cheerfully some times. Even on medication and with support she devolve into crying jags that lasted 20 to 30 hours and rage storms that lasted half that long. I have come to learn that the biochemical aspects of mental illness respond to the current treatment modalities slightly better than personality disorders. Personality disorders, being embedded in the personality; are harder to work with. I can see this in my own life, to some degree, all of us are somewhere on the spectrum and my personality leans more to the depressive, avoidant type. I can't imagine trying to change my own personality so much that I no longer depressive/avoidant cluster C on the scale.
My partner told me that she had a concern that if she took the medication and did all the therapy that eventually she would end up being so different, so much another personality that she would no longer be her. She decided she was most comfortable living right on the edge of hypomania and her medication choices reflected that.
I moved out of the house 4 months ago - took an apartment - after she threatened to kill me twice.
I am going to echo
Gemsforeyes 
and what she said about safety. My relationship became violent. It's a long story for another time but suffice to say that I broke my hand requiring surgery, 4 posts and a plate to put it back together. My experience was the incredibly intense emotions that were part and parcel of my relationship, the extreme high conflict that we lived in flashed over to violence literally in seconds. The domestic violence experts tell me that is often the case. Some people describe it as 'snapping'. That's not how it felt to me,... .what seems to be true for me is like a Coca Cola bottle that has been shaken and shaken and shaken once the cap was off there was no containing the soda, it went everywhere and made quite the mess.
The domestic violence people tell me that once a relationship has reached this level of verbal and physical violence, once that line has been crossed, it is so difficult to put the relationship back together that it is almost impossible. The way it was put to me was "once that genie is out of the bottle, there is no putting him back. he (the genie) will be able to go farther faster". I agree with that. The rule I had with my ex partner was 'hitting is no good'. I said that a lot. It was an odd experience when I had to actually live up to my often spoken words.
I am extremely sad but look to the future - she has not been able to care for me when I had several surgeries - she was unable to deal with her own mother's illness - separated herself from her 3 sisters and refused to go to her mother's funeral. I know that if I were to have a serious illness (my mother and grandmother died of massive heart attacks in their 60's) I am at high risk for a stroke - I know she would be abusive - emotionally and physically.
I noticed this. It resonated at a couple of levels for me. Hopefully I can articulate a few thoughts here. My ex left me just as my mother lay dying. She couldn't handle the stress. She made it about other things of course. Projected blame and shame on me. She was so good at making the irrational sound logical. But the end result was that as my mother experienced the end of her life I walked through that alone. In a dysfunctional family, the burden of care giving and decision making fell disproportionally on me. Intellectually I can understand my partners stress reactions, in my head I know her needs will always,
always come first. but I have to say that I resented it then and I still do now.
I think your assessment of how she would act in the event of a serious illness for you is probably spot on. It's
not hyperbole. It's a real consideration and one I tossed about in my head. In the end, for me, the practical realities overwhelmed the emotional considerations. I could not physically live in the chaos that was our life, at some level I knew it was going to kill me. And that isn't hyperbole either. What helped me a great deal was the idea that I didn't have to change my emotions,... I would give myself permission to continue to love her, continue to care for her but rather than express those emotions to her I would redirect them into other healthier areas. When I thought about her I would go for a walk. I now know the emotions I have for her can not be safely expressed to or with her.
I did send her a letter saying I would take care of the house rent and utilities as well as my own apt rent and utilities - the car and rental insurances - and half the repairs to house destruction - until March 1, 2018. My lease is up then and I am preparing to leave the area
You didn't specifically ask for help on a topic but I thought I would mention that there is a 'legal' board on this site. I've found it to be quite helpful. Even if some of the posts didn't relate to me directly it was insightful to see other's experiences, information, advice. I would recommend it.
I noticed you read Margalis Fjelstad's book. Boy I loved that book, I think I highlighted something on every page. Since you read, I would also recommend two books, the first by Amber Ault is called "The Five Step Exit, the Skills you Need to Leave a Narcissist, Psychopath or Other Toxic Partner and Recover your Happiness." It talks about how to develop a detailed exit strategy. The second book is 'It's My Life Now, starting over after an abusive relationship or domestic violence' by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger Hock.
I am glad you took the courageous first step and joined us. I look forward to reading more of your story.
'ducks
