Legal issues after Dad's death

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

  I'm new here and looking for some advice and to share my story. I'm not really sure where to post this, but I hope someone can offer some help - maybe some of you have been through similar ordeals.

It's a really long story and I'm not sure what's relevant and what isn't - it's all been so confusing and stressful so I've written everything down. If nothing else, it will help me get it off my chest. The person who I think has BPD was my Dad's on-again-off again partner, I'll just call her BPD. I know there is some kind of issue, because she frequently lies and won't back down when questioned... .sometimes I think she actually believes her own version of the truth. I don't know if she's been diagnosed but I've never met anyone like her before, and she matches the traits of people with this disorder, so that's why I'm coming here for help.

My Dad died two years ago unexpectedly whilst I was living part of the time at his house and the rest of the time at my Mum's.

BPD and Dad's relationship was unstable, and they broke up in 2014 - they own a house in Spain which she moved to after. Since then Dad spent some time with her but was mostly away working or at home in his house in the UK. My Dad didn't tell me everything and whenever I spoke to her before moving in she seemed very nice but my Dad called her 'an evil woman' and they had many arguments because of things like:
She called the Police round to the house to report my Dad had 'beaten' her but when they arrived he was asleep in bed and she got a caution for wasting police time
Dad had a black eye and wouldn't elaborate on how he got it, only that he and BPD had argued
She crashed her car whilst driving drunk

After BPD moved out, I moved in to my Dad's with my ex (who I was with at the time). It was mostly just me and him there because my Dad was away working a lot or in Spain with BPD, but BPD came back to the house twice while we were there.

The first time she came back was to attend a court hearing for the drink driving offence, and was when her and my Dad had separated. She was very quiet and upset and told me my Dad still loved my Mum and made it sound like that was why they'd broken up but I knew it wasn't. I listened and offered my sympathies. She said 'this is your house now' which I thought was a strange thing to say. Then she 'pleaded' with me to allow her Grandson to stay in his room there, which I said 'of course' to. But I remember thinking it was strange, as it was obviously my Dad's house and why would I object to her Grandson staying as he stayed quite often and I had never had any objections. This is when I first started to to notice for myself that she had a 'strange' personality and was speaking to me as thought I was victimising her, when I'd never been anything except kind and understanding to her.

The second time it seemed like they were back together or something, because the first thing she happened was she left a note for me and ex whilst I was at work saying 'I need to speak to you both!'. At the time, I was working full time from Wednesday-Sunday and I attended college for a full time foundation degree on Monday and Tuesday and spent all my free time on coursework. I hadn't had time to wipe the bathroom and kitchen or dust the other rooms and my room was very messy, so I knew it was about this. I went to speak to her when she got back and she said 'the house is disgusting!' and told me she would throw us out if she had to. Even though the house wasn't pristine, I felt she blew the whole thing out of proportion and would definitely not have described it as disgusting. I felt really guilty and terrible, and as I was under a lot of stress as it was, I started crying. She started to imply I was upset because of my ex, asking if he hurt me and suggesting I wasn't happy with him. I denied this and said it was because I was working so hard and had no time for myself but she kept on at my ex. I left for work on my evening shift that day and when my ex got home they had an argument and she threw him out. She acted as though he was threatening her, said he called my Dad a 'lazy ass' (which I know he would never do either of these things), and called her Grandson from his room to 'get him out of the house'. I knew this was not like my ex at all so I knew she was lying. After speaking about it with my Dad, he said BPD had said my ex was fired from his job and took drugs (also lies). In hindsight, I realise now that her intention was to split us up (and we did shortly after, but that was because of something unrelated). I realised she wasn't a reasonable person and I couldn't understand why she'd do these things.

Shortly after this, my Dad came back home and said he was going to be staying in the UK and she would be staying in Spain, and he was really happy. I stayed with him the last time I saw him and he asked me to come and stay again whenever I wanted and a day later he died.

BPD came straight back to his house from Spain. I was at my Grandma's the day after with my Aunt and Uncle, who were told to hand over my Dad's belongings he had on him at the time of his death to his next of kin (which was me). So I got given his phone and keys. BPD turned up. I recall she didn't look upset, didn't offer any consolation to me or my Mum, Grandma, Aunt or Uncle. She asked to have his phone and keys. My Aunt and Uncle refused and repeated they'd been told they were to go to the next of kin until further instruction. There was a bit of back and forth where BPD kept insisting she wanted to call people to let them know, and we offered to call them with her or give her the numbers she needed. BPD then grabbed the packet with his belongings in and tried to leave, but my Uncle blocked the way and my Aunt had to forcibly take the packet out of her hand. We were all shocked and also confused as we didn't know why she would do this or why she wanted the phone so badly.

BPD said she didn't want to arrange the funeral so my Mum said she would do this with me. We asked BPD what she wanted and she just said to have the names of all her Grandchildren read so we put that in as well as spoke to the Canon about our memories with Dad. Shortly before the funeral we had a call from the directors to say she'd moved the date because her and her family were going on holiday to Spain. Dad's family from England had booked time off work and were very angry to hear this - this was the last straw for my Grandma and Aunt and Uncle and as a result, they didn't attend the funeral. We spoke to the funeral staff about the issues we had been having, and they admitted when they called her she answered the phone sounding very annoyed but when they said who they were, she made a point of sounding very upset so they were very suspicious of her already.

I asked BPD if I could stay at the house when she was in Spain and she appeared really annoyed and said 'you know you can't! There's no bed in your room, your Dad told you he was decorating it!' which I was very surprised about. I told her I stayed with my Dad the night before he died and she just went quiet and said she didn't know about that. When she did go to Spain I went back to the house to discover she had changed the locks and I could no longer get in. It was quite a while before I was able to retrieve my belongings, and when I went to pick them up she had put them all in bin bags along with my Dad's clothes - on these bags she had written 'rags'.

My Dad told his Mum and sister that he'd written a will with BPD's son in law as executor in which he'd left me the house. The will we received was 10 years old and BPD was the sole executor (because the other was a solicitor who had retired). It said she could live in the house or gain income off it but once she died it would come to me. She told me she didn't want to live there and she wanted to go back to Spain, and this is what she did. When BPD came home, she said she had no paperwork for the Probate etc. because my Dad's briefcase had gone missing. Her son-in-law (to the neighbours knowledge) was the only person to go inside the house before she got back - when she reported it missing to the police, they questioned me and mentioned there was also a bank card missing, but she had actually given me the card in my Dad's wallet a few weeks earlier and I had given it into the solicitor. So it seems like she had tried to make it look like I'd stolen it. Whether or not she knows about the new will, I'm not sure but her son-in-law would most certainly have done. I feel so upset that my Dad trusted him and he betrayed him.

I'm really worried about my Dad's house and in particular one sentimental item that has gone missing. When asked where it was, I was given no answer, an inventory was never completed and the 'interim' inventory vastly underestimated the value of my Dad's belongings. At some point she changed the solicitor that was dealing with the will, but I continued to seek advice from the original solicitor, and after many attempts at coming to some sort of agreement or discussion to have the estate dealt with properly or to come to a settlement where I can live there, I've got nowhere and I've taken the matter to court. In her statement she says my Dad didn't want me living there and made it sound like they were still together when he died, as well as lied about finding drugs in my room. Financially, we both earn the same amount of money a month and she has no mortgage (she owns the house in Spain - which she refers to in the statement as an 'apartment', but it's not it's a villa with a pool!) or children living with her. I'm renting at the moment which has used almost all the money I saved whilst at my Dad's, so I'm no longer in a position to buy a house myself. I've offered her all the money in my Dad's account plus the maximum I can raise as a mortgage for (about 1/4 of the value of the house) but she has refused and says she wants half the value of the house, which I can't afford! There are people we don't know living in there now and I'm so worried and just want to move back in or at least spend time where I had the most memories with my Dad, and I want to keep his remains there but I feel so unwelcome and she's been so uncooperative. It wouldn't be so bad if she was willing to talk or give me the truth about everything that's happened, but I feel so helpless and lost I don't know what else to do but to challenge the will. Soon this will take up the rest of my money in court fees and we're still trying to settle before the date but have heard nothing back, she just makes further delays. She is applying for an adjournment to the hearing next month as her son died last month. She has a doctors note for depression and anxiety, which I have struggled with my entire life and have been off work with the last 6 months and I'm finding it really hard to sympathise with her when I've had no sympathy myself for the same conditions.

I'm sorry this has been a long post and probably very unorganised. I just hope someone has been in a similar situation who can give some advice on how to deal with her, and stay strong. I know my Dad wants me living in his house, he always said he would keep it for me to raise a family in and this keeps me going when I start to doubt if I'm doing the right thing... .But this whole ordeal has been so difficult, and with a couple of health issues for me and being off work at the moment due to anxiety, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.

[Askingforhelp]

  I'm new here and looking for some advice and to share my story. I'm not really sure where to post this, but I hope someone can offer some help - maybe some of you have been through similar ordeals.

It's a really long story and I'm not sure what's relevant and what isn't - it's all been so confusing and stressful so I've written everything down. If nothing else, it will help me get it off my chest. The person who I think has BPD was my Dad's on-again-off again partner, I'll just call her BPD. I know there is some kind of issue, because she frequently lies and won't back down when questioned... .sometimes I think she actually believes her own version of the truth. I don't know if she's been diagnosed but I've never met anyone like her before, and she matches the traits of people with this disorder, so that's why I'm coming here for help.

My Dad died two years ago unexpectedly whilst I was living part of the time at his house and the rest of the time at my Mum's.

BPD and Dad's relationship was unstable, and they broke up in 2014 - they own a house in Spain which she moved to after. Since then Dad spent some time with her but was mostly away working or at home in his house in the UK. My Dad didn't tell me everything and whenever I spoke to her before moving in she seemed very nice but my Dad called her 'an evil woman' and they had many arguments because of things like:
She called the Police round to the house to report my Dad had 'beaten' her but when they arrived he was asleep in bed and she got a caution for wasting police time
Dad had a black eye and wouldn't elaborate on how he got it, only that he and BPD had argued
She crashed her car whilst driving drunk

After BPD moved out, I moved in to my Dad's with my ex (who I was with at the time). It was mostly just me and him there because my Dad was away working a lot or in Spain with BPD, but BPD came back to the house twice while we were there.

The first time she came back was to attend a court hearing for the drink driving offence, and was when her and my Dad had separated. She was very quiet and upset and told me my Dad still loved my Mum and made it sound like that was why they'd broken up but I knew it wasn't. I listened and offered my sympathies. She said 'this is your house now' which I thought was a strange thing to say. Then she 'pleaded' with me to allow her Grandson to stay in his room there, which I said 'of course' to. But I remember thinking it was strange, as it was obviously my Dad's house and why would I object to her Grandson staying as he stayed quite often and I had never had any objections. This is when I first started to to notice for myself that she had a 'strange' personality and was speaking to me as thought I was victimising her, when I'd never been anything except kind and understanding to her.

The second time it seemed like they were back together or something, because the first thing she happened was she left a note for me and ex whilst I was at work saying 'I need to speak to you both!'. At the time, I was working full time from Wednesday-Sunday and I attended college for a full time foundation degree on Monday and Tuesday and spent all my free time on coursework. I hadn't had time to wipe the bathroom and kitchen or dust the other rooms and my room was very messy, so I knew it was about this. I went to speak to her when she got back and she said 'the house is disgusting!' and told me she would throw us out if she had to. Even though the house wasn't pristine, I felt she blew the whole thing out of proportion and would definitely not have described it as disgusting. I felt really guilty and terrible, and as I was under a lot of stress as it was, I started crying. She started to imply I was upset because of my ex, asking if he hurt me and suggesting I wasn't happy with him. I denied this and said it was because I was working so hard and had no time for myself but she kept on at my ex. I left for work on my evening shift that day and when my ex got home they had an argument and she threw him out. She acted as though he was threatening her, said he called my Dad a 'lazy ass' (which I know he would never do either of these things), and called her Grandson from his room to 'get him out of the house'. I knew this was not like my ex at all so I knew she was lying. After speaking about it with my Dad, he said BPD had said my ex was fired from his job and took drugs (also lies). In hindsight, I realise now that her intention was to split us up (and we did shortly after, but that was because of something unrelated). I realised she wasn't a reasonable person and I couldn't understand why she'd do these things.

Shortly after this, my Dad came back home and said he was going to be staying in the UK and she would be staying in Spain, and he was really happy. I stayed with him the last time I saw him and he asked me to come and stay again whenever I wanted and a day later he died.

BPD came straight back to his house from Spain. I was at my Grandma's the day after with my Aunt and Uncle, who were told to hand over my Dad's belongings he had on him at the time of his death to his next of kin (which was me). So I got given his phone and keys. BPD turned up. I recall she didn't look upset, didn't offer any consolation to me or my Mum, Grandma, Aunt or Uncle. She asked to have his phone and keys. My Aunt and Uncle refused and repeated they'd been told they were to go to the next of kin until further instruction. There was a bit of back and forth where BPD kept insisting she wanted to call people to let them know, and we offered to call them with her or give her the numbers she needed. BPD then grabbed the packet with his belongings in and tried to leave, but my Uncle blocked the way and my Aunt had to forcibly take the packet out of her hand. We were all shocked and also confused as we didn't know why she would do this or why she wanted the phone so badly.

BPD said she didn't want to arrange the funeral so my Mum said she would do this with me. We asked BPD what she wanted and she just said to have the names of all her Grandchildren read so we put that in as well as spoke to the Canon about our memories with Dad. Shortly before the funeral we had a call from the directors to say she'd moved the date because her and her family were going on holiday to Spain. Dad's family from England had booked time off work and were very angry to hear this - this was the last straw for my Grandma and Aunt and Uncle and as a result, they didn't attend the funeral. We spoke to the funeral staff about the issues we had been having, and they admitted when they called her she answered the phone sounding very annoyed but when they said who they were, she made a point of sounding very upset so they were very suspicious of her already.

I asked BPD if I could stay at the house when she was in Spain and she appeared really annoyed and said 'you know you can't! There's no bed in your room, your Dad told you he was decorating it!' which I was very surprised about. I told her I stayed with my Dad the night before he died and she just went quiet and said she didn't know about that. When she did go to Spain I went back to the house to discover she had changed the locks and I could no longer get in. It was quite a while before I was able to retrieve my belongings, and when I went to pick them up she had put them all in bin bags along with my Dad's clothes - on these bags she had written 'rags'.

My Dad told his Mum and sister that he'd written a will with BPD's son in law as executor in which he'd left me the house. The will we received was 10 years old and BPD was the sole executor (because the other was a solicitor who had retired). It said she could live in the house or gain income off it but once she died it would come to me. She told me she didn't want to live there and she wanted to go back to Spain, and this is what she did. When BPD came home, she said she had no paperwork for the Probate etc. because my Dad's briefcase had gone missing. Her son-in-law (to the neighbours knowledge) was the only person to go inside the house before she got back - when she reported it missing to the police, they questioned me and mentioned there was also a bank card missing, but she had actually given me the card in my Dad's wallet a few weeks earlier and I had given it into the solicitor. So it seems like she had tried to make it look like I'd stolen it. Whether or not she knows about the new will, I'm not sure but her son-in-law would most certainly have done. I feel so upset that my Dad trusted him and he betrayed him.

I'm really worried about my Dad's house and in particular one sentimental item that has gone missing. When asked where it was, I was given no answer, an inventory was never completed and the 'interim' inventory vastly underestimated the value of my Dad's belongings. At some point she changed the solicitor that was dealing with the will, but I continued to seek advice from the original solicitor, and after many attempts at coming to some sort of agreement or discussion to have the estate dealt with properly or to come to a settlement where I can live there, I've got nowhere and I've taken the matter to court. In her statement she says my Dad didn't want me living there and made it sound like they were still together when he died, as well as lied about finding drugs in my room. Financially, we both earn the same amount of money a month and she has no mortgage (she owns the house in Spain - which she refers to in the statement as an 'apartment', but it's not it's a villa with a pool!) or children living with her. I'm renting at the moment which has used almost all the money I saved whilst at my Dad's, so I'm no longer in a position to buy a house myself. I've offered her all the money in my Dad's account plus the maximum I can raise as a mortgage for (about 1/4 of the value of the house) but she has refused and says she wants half the value of the house, which I can't afford! There are people we don't know living in there now and I'm so worried and just want to move back in or at least spend time where I had the most memories with my Dad, and I want to keep his remains there but I feel so unwelcome and she's been so uncooperative. It wouldn't be so bad if she was willing to talk or give me the truth about everything that's happened, but I feel so helpless and lost I don't know what else to do but to challenge the will. Soon this will take up the rest of my money in court fees and we're still trying to settle before the date but have heard nothing back, she just makes further delays. She is applying for an adjournment to the hearing next month as her son died last month. She has a doctors note for depression and anxiety, which I have struggled with my entire life and have been off work with the last 6 months and I'm finding it really hard to sympathise with her when I've had no sympathy myself for the same conditions.

I'm sorry this has been a long post and probably very unorganised. I just hope someone has been in a similar situation who can give some advice on how to deal with her, and stay strong. I know my Dad wants me living in his house, he always said he would keep it for me to raise a family in and this keeps me going when I start to doubt if I'm doing the right thing... .But this whole ordeal has been so difficult, and with a couple of health issues for me and being off work at the moment due to anxiety, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.

[takingandsending]

Hello, Askingforhelp, and welcome to bpdfamily 

The behaviors of a person with BPD can be very confusing and disorienting. Often, they do feel that they are the victim and that others are harming them or threatening harm to them, while they are, themselves, initiating aggression. All of this can leave those close to them bewildered and questioning ourselves and our own behaviors/motives for acting. What you have experienced is fairly common for someone dealing with a person with BPD or BPD traits. It must feel doubly hard to be grieving the loss of your father and having to deal with his BPD partner being callous and hurtful on top of it. My heart goes out to you.

So, the central dilemma is that the only will that you have been able to surface thus far identifies your dad's BPD partner as sole executor of his estate. Have you engaged a lawyer? We can't provide legal advice on this site, but there are people who have undergone a lot of different legal encounters with a person with BPD. They may chime in with some strategies. I think though the first step is to find an attorney who can help you know your rights in this process. It can feel pretty overwhelming at first, but talking to a lawyer who has experience with cases that involve a person with BPD can help diffuse some of the anxiety.

Others will come along to add comments, and I will check back in, but mostly, I wanted to say that I really understand how hard this must be and to welcome you on to these boards. Hopefully, with some time and support, you can take the next steps that you need to gain the best outcome you can.

[Askingforhelp]

Hello, Askingforhelp, and welcome to bpdfamily 

Thank you for reading and for your kind words. I do have a solicitor and barrister who are representing me in my claim. I think I've done all I can, I have applied to challenge the Will on the grounds it didn't make provision for me as an adult living partly in his house at the time. The hearing is next month, but BPD has applied for an adjournment and I'm not sure how long it might be yet. It's been over 2 years already.

It's so difficult to let go and stop looking for reason behind her actions, and I find myself struggling with some sympathy for her, and then anger and shock at everything she's done. People tell me I should stop being sympathetic but I was raised that way and it's difficult. I think I can be quite naive and easily led, so when she does lie I start to question my own version of what I know is the truth.

[Panda39]

It's so difficult to let go and stop looking for reason behind her actions, and I find myself struggling with some sympathy for her, and then anger and shock at everything she's done. People tell me I should stop being sympathetic but I was raised that way and it's difficult.  

Hi Askingforhelp,

It's not surprising you're trying to figure out what is behind her actions, that's exactly what I did when I first started dating my SO with an uBPDxw. We want to create order out of the chaos. I didn't know about BPD back then but my reaction was the same as yours... .always thinking why would this person do that?  A few years into this relationship I Googled "Chronic Lying" and discovered BPD.  

Besides the wonderful folks here and their support what has helped me most is getting a good understanding of BPD and what it is.  I read a ton of books initially with varying perspectives and communication styles that really helped me get a good knowledge base. (Try your local library)  Later I discovered this site and learned more in terms of real life tools, strategies, and got good information on specific behaviors.  In my understanding I began to actually see patterns in what up until then was chaos.  Is my SO's ex still chaotic, making irrational decisions and poor decisions you bet but I can often see them coming now... .knowing her and BPD behaviors better.

So my advice is learn as much as you can.  

In terms of how you feel about her you might try getting to a place of radical acceptance... .she is who she is and she is going to do what she is going to do, no matter what you do or don't do.  None of us can control someone else we can only control ourselves and our actions.  Yes, you are going to feel all kinds of emotions, this is an emotionally charged situation... .just feel them and let them go don't make judgments about yourself based on the feelings you have (you are not bad if you feel angry, you are not good if you feel sympathetic or vise versa) just feel the feeling and let it go.  Try not to spend your emotional energy getting sucked into the drama.

Focus on you, what you want in this situation, your rights, what you deserve... .lookout for your best interest and what you believe was your father's intent.  Conflict sucks, most people don't enjoy it and you want to be fair but she will use that desire to be fair against you.  You have to be tough here.  This isn't selfish or mean this is about looking after yourself.  :)o not focus on her, she is an adult and can take care of herself.

I think I can be quite naive and easily led, so when she does lie I start to question my own version of what I know is the truth.

I want to share some information regarding gaslighting in regards to the above quote (and other behaviors you might see regarding your dad's partner... .

Gaslighting  The term derives from the 1938 stage play Gas Light (originally known as Angel Street in the United States), and the 1940 and 1944 film adaptions. The plot concerns a husband who attempts to drive his wife to insanity by manipulating small elements of their environment, and insisting that she is mistaken or misremembering when she points out these changes. The title stems from the husband's subtle dimming of the house's gas lights, which she accurately notices and which the husband insists she's imagining.

"Gaslighting" has been used colloquially, since at least the mid 1970s, to describe psychologically upsetting manipulations of the type depicted in the play and film: In her 1980 book The Best Kept Secret: Sexual Abuse of Children[1] Florence Rush summarizes George Cukor's 1944 film version of Gas Light, and writes, "even today the word [gaslight] is used to describe an attempt to destroy another's perception of reality."

Sometimes the term is used here to suggest a premeditated effort to make someone think they are crazy? And while it may appear that way to us, but people with BPD are generally impulsive - not so premeditated.

More often what is happening is that we are willingly buying another persons distorted view?  People distort their own view of reality all the time - it's a defense mechanism.  

We have to be careful not to buy it.

The real issue is Cognitive Distortions and Anxiety on the part of the pwBPD and our willingness to jettison our own perception and except theirs.

Here are the common Cognitive Distortions according to David Burns, MD:

1. All-or-nothing thinking (splitting) – Thinking of things in absolute terms, like "always", "every", "never", and "there is no alternative". Few aspects of human behavior are so absolute. (See false dilemma.) All-or-nothing-thinking can contribute to depression. (See depression).

2. Overgeneralization – Taking isolated cases and using them to make wide generalizations. (See hasty generalization.)

3. Mental filter – Focusing almost exclusively on certain, usually negative or upsetting, aspects of an event while ignoring other positive aspects. For example, focusing on a tiny imperfection in a piece of otherwise useful clothing. (See misleading vividness.)

4. Disqualifying the positive – Continually reemphasizing or "shooting down" positive experiences for arbitrary, ad hoc reasons. (See special pleading.)

5. Jumping to conclusions – Drawing conclusions (usually negative) from little (if any) evidence. Two specific subtypes are also identified:

          * Mind reading – Assuming special knowledge of the intentions or thoughts of others.

          * Fortune telling – Exaggerating how things will turn out before they happen. (See slippery slope.)

  

6. Magnification and minimization – Distorting aspects of a memory or situation through magnifying or minimizing them such that they no longer correspond to objective reality. This is common enough in the normal population to popularize idioms such as "make a mountain out of a molehill." In depressed clients, often the positive characteristics of other people are exaggerated and negative characteristics are understated. There is one subtype of magnification:

          * Catastrophizing – Focusing on the worst possible outcome, however unlikely, or thinking that a situation is unbearable or impossible when it is really just uncomfortable.

  

7. Emotional reasoning – Making decisions and arguments based on intuitions or personal feeling rather than an objective rationale and evidence. (See appeal to consequences.)

  

8. Should statements – Patterns of thought which imply the way things "should" or "ought to be" rather than the actual situation the patient is faced with, or having rigid rules which the patient believes will "always apply" no matter what the circumstances are. Albert Ellis termed this "Musturbation". (See wishful thinking.)

  

9. Labeling and mislabeling – Explaining behaviors or events, merely by naming them; related to overgeneralization. Rather than describing the specific behavior, a patient assigns a label to someone of him- or herself that implies absolute and unalterable terms. Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

  

10. Personalization – Attribution of personal responsibility (or causal role) for events over which the patient has no control. This pattern is also applied to others in the attribution of blame.

Besides Gaslighting she may be using emotional blackmail or FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to try and dissuade you.

The next interaction you have with her take a step back in your mind and watch the interaction, what is she doing or saying?  Can you see Gaslighting or FOG?  Can you see it for what it is?  You sound like a sensitive person like I am but try and tap into your logical brain and observe, what do you see?

Panda39

[takingandsending]

Hi Askingforhelp.

I, too, tend to be a bit naive, a poor judge of character and wish to believe people v. distrust. But, having had a spouse with BPD, I have had to learn a bit more about myself and how/why I allowed my xw to convince me that I had pretty base motives, was uncaring and selfish. I never fully believed the things that she so vehemently and repeatedly told me, but I thought, "Hey, I am a flawed human. Some of what she says is probably true. We can all be better than we are, right?"

So, the attacking you about the condition of the house when you were already under a lot of stress is a very typical BPD behavior. A person with even a bit of empathy may have been able to see that you could actually use a helping hand in that instance, not criticism or attack. But, in my experience, pwBPD have very little capacity for empathy. They are so often operating in the fight or flight, survival portion of the brain that empathizing with another threatens the very little security that they believe they have. My xw had the singular ability to attack me in all of the places I most needed support.

Panda39 uses a term FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt) that is a pretty common experience for those of us who have lived or interacted with pwBPD. Stepping out of that FOG takes a lot of courage and a willingness to look at ourselves, to be open to our role in the dynamic and to step outside of it. So, a good first step is to carefully observe, not only what BPD is saying, not only what your logical brain is thinking, but also what happens in your body. Does your breathing quicken, do your hands get clammy, do your cheeks flush, does your throat or chest feel constricted? For me, once I started to pay attention to these cues (they were a little easier to apprehend than my thoughts, which tended to be a bit panicky and fast when attacked), I knew it was time to slow down and reflect on my values, what I really believed, communicate that and disengage from the attacker - in my case uBPDw. I am posting a link to a tool on this website about setting boundaries. It really assisted me to stop allowing my wife's harmful gas lighting.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Someone on these boards once told me that having boundaries is not an act of cruelty, it is an act of kindness. I didn't think that was true. I thought one should always do one's best to give. But, truthfully, with my xw, it would have been kinder to both of us if I had communicated clear, consistent boundaries early on in my relationship. pwBPD act like young children - they need structure and definition of where they begin and where they end to define who they are. When they meet someone with unclear or inconsistent boundaries, they tend to push all the harder to find that definition. This shouldn't be the case for an adult, but it seems to be with pwBPD.

I don't know if any of this resonates with you or helps you to understand. There is a lot of information on this website that is helpful. I hope you keep reading, learning and posting. And the community here will certainly support you as you go.

[Askingforhelp]

Thank you both for your answers, a lot of what you posted resonates with me, especially the quote regarding cognitive distortions. I'll have a look at the links you posted and browse this site a bit more.

Thanks for being so welcoming and helpful.

[ForeverDad]

Very likely you will have to stop hoping she will give in to reality and pin your hopes on the legal process.  You have a right to stand up for yourself in every legal way.

She is using every means at her disposal to frame you in as poor a light as possible before the court.  Her gaslighting you at every step is no surprise to us here.  That's why you can't let her make you doubt yourself or your memories.

With the case in process for two years already and her filing for an adjournment, you may need to file an objection to an adjournment based on her inaccurate claims, the length of time the case has already been pending and that her filing will create more delay.  However, courts usually grant a continuance or two before it starts getting peeved.  While the court may grant an adjournment, it would probably be best to ask that it be denied for lack of sincere basis.