Significantotter,
I'm definitely in that boat. I've been in it so long that I've refinished all the teak decking and crocheted a new set of sails.
My BPDh has stopped going to our therapist (IMHO) because she kept calling him out on his abusive and dependent behaviors. In all honesty, the idea of him going back to her and starting to do the work that needs to be done on his side for reconciliation to be an option scares the living daylights out of me. T continues to nudge me to realize that the fear I have is the repeat of the "show" of repentance that never bears fruit and that if I start to actually see fruit then the fears will fade. It's really nice to have someone hold a mirror to you and say "Take a long look and tell me if you see the monster you are so afraid you are".
Which brings me to the Captain's Quarters of the boat we are in... .
I have spent my whole life trying to not disappoint people. I've taken extreme measures to live up to and above all expectations set for me. I've been the child my parents never had to worry about, the wife who brought home the bacon, fried it up, and washed the pan it was fried in. I have all kinds of awards that show that I'm a stellar employee and children that make others ask me the secret to being a perfect parent. I'm the friend that is always there with a cheerful word, helping hand and/or listening ear. Heaven knows, those things aren't bad. What is "bad" is when I hide my true feelings, desires and self so I don't shatter that image I hold of myself and want others to believe of me.
I've disappointed a lot of people in the past 6 months by separating from my husband. A few have moved from disapproval to support or at least neutrality. A few have agreed to "ignore" the separation in the interest of maintaining a relationship. Some have disappeared from my life. Many I have not even had the guts to reveal the separation to. One would argue that if they are not close enough to me to notice that my husband and I are not living together anymore, they shouldn't really matter. That argument doesn't hold much water when I'm acting out of fear of rejection.
My T is working with me on learning the difference between approval and love. Evidently it's something I started confusing in my childhood when my goal was to do things that I would overhear my dad bragging about to people because that's how I knew he "loved" me.
What does "being the bad guy" look like for you? Who are the people you most fear disappointing? What is the price of not disappointing them?
BeagleGirl
