Overwhelmed Newlywed

[BaseballHereford]

"I'm not strong enough for this"... .This is the only thing on my mind for the last 2 days. I love my undiagnosed BPD husband, we've been married for 9 months. Much of that time has been great to him but it feels like torture to me. I was oblivious to his BPD traits before we married and it was only after a colleague (a counselor) brought my attention to it a couple of months in that I could really see it. After months of reading/learning/observing I can understand why he is behaving this way. I've done a good deal of work on myself to try to keep from making things worse. But I am really struggling with the fact that everything is always my fault, that he is incapable of supporting my emotional needs, that it's a full time job caring for his emotional needs, and that I just have to take his threats/insults. I feel completely invisible since anything I say or do is twisted. He had told me he is perfect and awesome so I should just leave if I think I'll ever to better. If he is so strong is his stance of his perfection and my fault, is there any hope that this relationship will last or he will ever get help? Does anyone else have success in dealing with these issues?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi, I understand how overwhelmed you feel and the serious doubts you are having. Over the last 6 + years I have been along on this ride and it has damaged me greatly. And yet in other ways I have grown. I don't feel like I get my emotional needs met either. I've never had a relationship that felt that way. It is a huge disappointment. I feel like I am eclipsed, always servicing the huge emotional needs of another person, and disappearing a bit in the process. His insane jealously makes it hard to have any meaningful friendships or outlets with others in any way. It can be nice to be with him. He's funny and interesting. I've struggled at times to remain attracted because of the horribly mean things he says and does. I've found ways to work on it.

Only you can decide how far to walk down this road with him. On a good day like today I am fine, on the bad days it is horrifying, embarrassing, devastating, destructive, soul-crushing. He has actually mentioned "torturing" me, in a figurative sense, not actually physically, emotionally I suppose.

My understanding is he pushes me away like this as a defense mechanism. When I see it that way, it hurts a shade less. Just words. Buddhism helps with this. These are just the thoughts/clouds drifting by.

There might be hope but it will come from inside you most likely, figuring out what you can and can't live with, improving your communication skills to help keep things more smooth if possible. I feel good that I can mostly remain calm and clear in the face of these storms. I am afraid what this will do me in the long run. I am exhausted and run down and hopeless at times, but I am working on this. I don't want this to destroy me.

Is there any chance he is open to hearing about these issues and working on them? My guy listens and we are not and will likely not do therapy. Too expensive for now. But just changing myself and adjusting a bit, providing him more security, all of that has made some difference. The hard part is all you do to improve things can go out the window in an instant (it will seem) during a black phase. But I tell myself when he does come out of it and is back in a white phase that will be nice. I just wait. I remain calm and I just ride out the storm. He is always grateful that I waited for him on the other side.