My first full day in an empty house (BeagleGirl update)

[BeagleGirl]

It's been a while since I've posted here.  As DaddyBear77 stated in one of his recent posts, I find my time on this board to be a soothing distraction (and also an incredible help) and I'm in need of a distraction tonight.

Today has been my first full day in an empty house.  I moved back to our family home a little over 3 weeks ago and BPDh moved into his new rental house about a week later.  While he had the kids some during that time, he wasn't ready for the beagles until last night.  We're now doing our planned custody split while we finish up the legal separation and this week is "his week" with the kids and dogs. 

In the past month we have finished working through all the discovery and decision detailing for the legal separation with our mediator.  I've offered my proposal for division of assets, child support, and spousal maintenance.  The only thing we have seemed to agree on is our parenting plan. 

Now I am waiting for him to consult a lawyer and come back with an acceptance, counter-proposal, or rejection of my proposal with no counter-proposal.  At this point I don't really know what he'll come back with.  I've expressed to him that I'm wanting a settlement that allows him to live independent of my income but I'm not leaving him "high and dry".  Much to the chagrin of my T I have proposed a division of assets that is about 65/35 in his favor and that I pay all child and dog related expenses with the exception of the food and entertainment expenses the kids incur when with him.  I had hoped that would leave him with enough safety net to make autonomous decisions about supporting himself.  Our last mediation appointment seemed to indicate that he felt entitled to more.  I think he has some people telling him to get all he can from me either as security for his future (should I decide to divorce) or as motivation for me to more strongly consider reconciliation.  I know what our T told him before he stopped seeing her - "Stand on your own two feet and show BeagleGirl that you are willing and ready to be a husband to her without her financial support."  We'll see who he listens to.

So those are the update facts in a nutshell.  Now for the feelings part... .

I've cried more in the past 24 hours than I have in quite a while.  I spent 5 months alone in an apartment, but for some reason it is hitting me much harder to be alone in the family home.  Even when the kids were gone, at least I had my beagles greeting me at the door or checking on me through the day.  Today has been completely alone.  I've thought about leaving the house and going to a movie or something, but I think I need to spend a little time feeling the impact of my decisions. 

I wouldn't say that I'm second guessing my decisions.  When I do start second guessing, I don't have to look far to see the behaviors that I could no longer tolerate.  I think second guessing might actually be less painful because I could focus on "where I went wrong" and start fixing things.  As it is, I feel like the ball is in his court as to where the relationship goes from here and I'm left wondering if/when I might decide to leave the game if the ball doesn't come back over the net.

The hard part is that he would say that he's trying to fix things.  He wants to go to a marriage retreat in September.  The retreat is focused on building intimacy, the thing that I've been telling him was missing for most of our marriage.  I've told him that I have concerns about the suitability of a marriage retreat at this time for us.  They are concerns that my T shares.  I have yet to be in a room alone with him for more than 30 minutes without feeling manipulated, emotionally battered, and at times physically intimidated.  The idea of a weekend with him, even with separate rooms, seems like hell.  It also seems like a "grand(ios) gesture" when he's not been willing to see our T by himself or as a couple since May.  If he were proposing returning to marriage counseling (something he brought up last month) then I would be willing to do that.  The problem, as I see it, is that he wants a "fresh start" where our problems are "ours" and not the result of abusive patterns. 

I did discuss MC with my T at our last appointment.  She was a bit puzzled as to what the point would be, since BPDh has not demonstrated any change in attitude (to her knowledge, based on what I've described to her) that would indicate repentance.  I let her know that my aim would be to have a trained third party hear our conversation and be able to be either point out to me where change is occurring or be an impartial witness to the lack of change (my interpretation of what FF has advised as relates to a therapeutic separation). 

I have started to consider divorce in a "calmer" mindset.  Not that it doesn't raise a LOT of emotion.  I guess the difference is that the thought of divorce is creating emotion rather than stemming from emotion.  I would say I'm still a long way from reconciling to the idea of divorce with no new "justification", but I'm also realizing that the indefinite term of our legal separation is creating pretty much all the pain and issues of a divorce.  The impact on our kids and on our friendships and family relationships is starting to feel more "real", and I'm finding myself less equipped to cope with that impact than I thought. 

I decided last night to join a Divorce Care (Christian support group for those going through divorce) group that starts up in a couple weeks.  I worry that I might feel like a bit of an outsider, having not actually decided on divorce, or that I might feel "peer pressure" to convert the separation to divorce but I'm hoping that those worries are unfounded.  I'm hoping that I will find people who have faced/are facing similar struggles with their friends/family/church/children and especially themselves.  I'm hoping that I won't feel quite so alone.

I think my biggest struggle is with my doubts about whether this path leads any direction but towards divorce.  I think I'm a bit more clear on what I would want to see in my husband before considering reconciliation, but there is that lingering question of "If I did see those things, would I be able to trust and forgive and love again?"  And that's the point where T stops me and says "That's something you don't have to worry about today."

So that's my update.

[formflier]

So what is his reasoning for not seeing T by himself?

Why would there be any hesitation to resume MC?  If he hasn't changed... .it will be obvious... .

Basically each party should be clear about where they are and where they are going.

FF

[BeagleGirl]

FF,
I asked him why he was no longer seeing T and he said it was because he was focused on his DBT and didn't have time to also do counseling with T.  He was previously going for one or two sessions (one hour each) a month with T.  I let him know that I felt DBT was a bit far removed from addressing our immediate marriage issues and that sessions with T would be more likely to address them because she has seen us individually and together and his DBT therapist doesn't have the same information or (necessarily) the same goal for addressing our marriage issues.

MC has been something I avoided for the initial months of separation because they tended to result in emotional battery after the session.  I have better boundaries now, but T questions whether MC sessions are worthwhile at this point because of the lack of acceptance of the issues and willingness to change on the part of BPDh.  She's open to a couple sessions together to see if there are changes, but feels individual sessions are more productive at this point if there is no change. 

[Lucky Jim]

As it is, I feel like the ball is in his court as to where the relationship goes from here and I'm left wondering if/when I might decide to leave the game if the ball doesn't come back over the net.

Hey BG, What makes you say that "the ball is in his court as to where the relationship goes from here"?  That sounds like a passive "wait and see" approach, but maybe I'm missing something.  It seems like you are experiencing a lot of sad feelings, which is normal.  Parting ways is hard, and sad, but sometimes it leads to greater happiness.

LuckyJim

[formflier]

Since it seems you are being generous in the money split... .I would suggest that generosity is contingent on his attendance of MC and IC as directed by therapists.

I see great value in continuation of MC.  Even if he doesn't change or gets worse.

It will be a structured environment and relatively safe.  A professional can help him manage things and... .most importantly... .you need a clear view of where he is at... .and he needs to know where you are at.

Vice where you hope the person is.

Thoughts?

FF

[Grey Kitty]

Being alone is a heck of an adjustment. I'm not surprised some feelings came up from it.   Let yourself feel them.

You have *FINALLY* gotten yourself into a living arrangement that is independent of him/free of him. And lets you see your dogs enough. (If I recall correctly, week on/week off with the kids+beagles) For a while now, you've not been spending much time with him, and that is firmed up now.

Your next step is to negotiate the separation terms for support... .which indeed sound generous on your part. Keep working on that, and watch him or at least notice his behavior.

It will take seeing a lot of small steps toward improvement for you to trust him for a weekend retreat like the one he asked you to do. Watch for them... .if they happen or not.

I think my biggest struggle is with my doubts about whether this path leads any direction but towards divorce.

My take--I don't see any suitable resolution of this other than divorce... .unless he makes big changes. Which I don't see him likely to, but there is always hope.

I think it is fair to acknowledge to yourself that divorce appears to be in the distance in the direction you are heading... .but you don't have to jump there today. Save that for later--when you've finished the separation agreement, perhaps.

Keep on walking. One step at a time. You really don't have to see anyplace beyond the next place your foot is touching the ground; you can walk in another direction right after this step if it is the right thing to do.