Very Confused. Please help. TL;DR

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm 26 years old female in a same-sex relationship with my partner for almost 7 years now. I've known her since I was 8 years old. We started out as best friends. We live in her family homestead with her mom, sister, and brother. We've recently adopted a puppy (which is a huge trigger to many of our relationship problems. I'm currently undergoing therapy for undiagnosed ADHD, am on medication for it. Admittedly, I'm not in the best place, but quite far from where I've been in the past.

My partner is 25 years old. She was diagnosed when she was about 18 or so. She struggles with depression, struggles with addiction, and extreme body dysmorphia. She binges and purges, and is prone to self-harm, and suicidal tendencies. Any attempts at therapy have failed as they've refused to treat her because of her diagnosis, they weren't equipped to handle BPD, or they took a leave of absence and didn't have the time to treat her. She's been hospitalized a few times, but the inpatient care at our local hospital couldn't provide her the care she needed (the last time she was in the hospital, she escaped and went on a bender).

Since I've known her as a child, I can attest that her home life was difficult on her. She lived with both of her parents, her grandmother, her sister, and her older brother. All but her sister struggled with addiction problems while she was growing up.

When she was young she was the caretaker. Her dad would take off in the evening to drink. I remember her telling me that he put her in charge of taking care of her mom while he would take off. Her mom was super depressed and suicidal. As a kid, she's found her in the midst of a suicide attempt. She was the sounding board to her parents' relationship problems. She would also nurse her strung out grandmother. The relationship with her brother was essentially non-existent as he was a teenager when she was growing up. He was angry all the time, and immersed in the drug scene at school. She generally had a good relationship with her sister. However, she's always felt like she was mean to her. Her sister was usually out with friends. She grew up feeling inferior to her because she felt like the "fat and ugly" sister. Neither her, nor her sister grew up with a healthy relationship with food or with their bodies, as they were inadvertently shamed for their food choices and weight. She was also molested by a friend of her father.

Our friendship has always been complex. We fought a lot as kids, but somehow managed to continually work things out. I was always her rock... .until I switched elementary schools briefly... .and fell in love.

I was 14 when I began to develop feelings for her. We dated, but it didn't last. We tried to be friends. However, going into high school complicated things, as I went to a different school for awhile. We stopped talking soon after I switched to the high school she was going to. We stopped talking for a couple of years. I started dating someone else during that time. She was in love with me during that period of time, but I didn't want anything to do with her... .it was too painful. I was about 18 before we started to talk again. She was due to graduate with honours, and off to university.

Soon after she started school, her father passed away. Somehow we became close again and developed feelings for one another as well. Despite the terrible timing, we were back in a relationship. She was doing well in university even though she numbed herself with marijuana heavily (she doesn't smoke anymore).

Fast-forward to now... .(will continue in next post)

[Swixx]

I'm 26 years old female in a same-sex relationship with my partner for almost 7 years now. I've known her since I was 8 years old. We started out as best friends. We live in her family homestead with her mom, sister, and brother. We've recently adopted a puppy (which is a huge trigger to many of our relationship problems. I'm currently undergoing therapy for undiagnosed ADHD, am on medication for it. Admittedly, I'm not in the best place, but quite far from where I've been in the past.

My partner is 25 years old. She was diagnosed when she was about 18 or so. She struggles with depression, struggles with addiction, and extreme body dysmorphia. She binges and purges, and is prone to self-harm, and suicidal tendencies. Any attempts at therapy have failed as they've refused to treat her because of her diagnosis, they weren't equipped to handle BPD, or they took a leave of absence and didn't have the time to treat her. She's been hospitalized a few times, but the inpatient care at our local hospital couldn't provide her the care she needed (the last time she was in the hospital, she escaped and went on a bender).

Since I've known her as a child, I can attest that her home life was difficult on her. She lived with both of her parents, her grandmother, her sister, and her older brother. All but her sister struggled with addiction problems while she was growing up.

When she was young she was the caretaker. Her dad would take off in the evening to drink. I remember her telling me that he put her in charge of taking care of her mom while he would take off. Her mom was super depressed and suicidal. As a kid, she's found her in the midst of a suicide attempt. She was the sounding board to her parents' relationship problems. She would also nurse her strung out grandmother. The relationship with her brother was essentially non-existent as he was a teenager when she was growing up. He was angry all the time, and immersed in the drug scene at school. She generally had a good relationship with her sister. However, she's always felt like she was mean to her. Her sister was usually out with friends. She grew up feeling inferior to her because she felt like the "fat and ugly" sister. Neither her, nor her sister grew up with a healthy relationship with food or with their bodies, as they were inadvertently shamed for their food choices and weight. She was also molested by a friend of her father.

Our friendship has always been complex. We fought a lot as kids, but somehow managed to continually work things out. I was always her rock... .until I switched elementary schools briefly... .and fell in love.

I was 14 when I began to develop feelings for her. We dated, but it didn't last. We tried to be friends. However, going into high school complicated things, as I went to a different school for awhile. We stopped talking soon after I switched to the high school she was going to. We stopped talking for a couple of years. I started dating someone else during that time. She was in love with me during that period of time, but I didn't want anything to do with her... .it was too painful. I was about 18 before we started to talk again. She was due to graduate with honours, and off to university.

Soon after she started school, her father passed away. Somehow we became close again and developed feelings for one another as well. Despite the terrible timing, we were back in a relationship. She was doing well in university even though she numbed herself with marijuana heavily (she doesn't smoke anymore).

Fast-forward to now... .(will continue in next post)

[Swixx]

We've been living together for almost 2 years now. She's since graduated university and is employed with a local social service agency, working with volunteers for their organization. She's currently preparing for bariatric surgery as well.

Since then, I've come out as a genderqueer and grey-pansexual. This has fed a lot our problems, as she feels like she's "raping" me after we have sex. Unfortunately, I've struggled with initiating sex throughout our relationship. She feels extremely unattractive, and has numbed herself sexually. She claims she doesn't care anymore. I don't believe her. She won't have sex with me, even though I'm willing to. She's currently withholding affection and is "repulsed" by me because of the ADHD symptoms. Adopting our puppy (I had no say, she adopted him without anyone's consent) has triggered many of my symptoms, and many problems in our relationship.

I've only recently begun to realize that something other than general depression and anxiety is a problem in my life. I struggle with the classic symptoms of ADHD like concentration issues, communication problems, energy imbalance, moodiness, disorganization and messiness, etc. She's been urging me to go back to therapy for awhile. However, she refuses to admit that I may have it. She doesn't believe it exists, and claims it's an "excuse" for failure, bad attitude and bad behaviour. Despite struggling, I've managed to stay employed throughout her university days, and am finally going back to school this fall for myself. She knew that, but naively though between the two of us (we both work a fair bit) could take care of him.

We had a fight on a couple of days ago about everything. It was triggered when we were talking about one of us staying home with the dog on nights the other person wanting to stay home. I was upset, not by the prospect of staying home with the dog while she goes out, but more with the fact she hasn't been listening to me about how I feel about us, the dog, and ADHD. It also sparked the disappointment about not spending quality time together.

So, in a nutshell, she admitted she's been turned off by me for the past few months (after going on vacation together recently) and doesn't know whether she wants to continue with this relationship. She said she didn't see very many redeeming qualities in me. I knew something was wrong as I felt a tension and wall built between us. She withheld her feelings towards me as she was waiting for those feelings to go away on their own. She doesn't know what she wants from this relationship.

That wall was triggered by a fight we had awhile ago. We were talking at work about making plans for the evening (since it was the only time we could spend together)... .but before I got off work, she made other plans and neglected to tell me till I got home. I was upset, and she began to accuse me of being abusive and controlling because she always has to "ask for permission" to go out. Those fights are recurrent. Truthfully, I am upset when she makes plans, but not because she wants to go out and enjoy herself, but because I feel as if she's disinterested in spending any kind of time with me. (It's really hard to find the time for our relationship because we work different hours and are now devoted puppy parents.)

After that fight, I was left torn apart emotionally, and extremely confused. I've realized that there are patterns in our relationship. A significant event happens, we fight about it, she shuts me out (withholds affection, and becomes sexually repulsed by me), she pretends to get over it, explodes, we fight more, and then things are seemingly okay again. When we go through these periods, I don't feel as if she sees me as a whole person. I feel good, or I feel bad. There is no nuance. It hurts a lot because I've always tried to love her, despite her flaws. I feel like she projects a lot of her self-hatred upon me and can't see that.

I know I've messed up in this relationship. I know if there is any hope, I have to make changes. I don't know how to differentiate between the problems I'm creating, and the ones she's creating. I also don't know how much her BPD contributes to the relationship problems either. My head is spinning because it's hard not to feel like it's all my fault, even though I know it isn't.

Thank you for your time.

[babyducks]

Hi Swixx,



Welcome to the family.    When we are in a high conflict relationship things become confusing fast.   It certainly did for me.   Reaching out for support and information is a smart, mature thing to do.   It's a sign of healthy decision making.  

Can I ask,  have you educated yourself on what BPD is and what it isn't?    I think that might be a great place to start working on your confusion.   There is a ton of useful information on this site that will help.  Over on the right hand side of your screen in the little square box step four says Embrace the realities of BPD,  when you are ready go click on it.

It says in that little pop up that pwBPD (people with BPD) are living in an emotional world that is very foreign to most of us.    That rings very true to what I experienced.    My partner processed life, and the emotions of life in ways that made sense to her but were very confusing to me.   She had highly intense harmful emotional reactions to things and a strong need to protect herself from those intense emotions.    Protecting herself often took the form of her blaming me for things that happened in the relationship when in reality, some of those things that happened were just me, being me.

I too experienced fights that I can barely describe in retrospect.   Volatile, damaging, half the time I couldn't even tell you what they were about but I know neither of us communicated well through them.  We call them circular arguments, and they are one of the hallmarks of being in a BPD relationship.    They go round and round, usually getting worse with each repetition.    I won't kid you and say they are easy to deal with but there are tools and skills that can help reduce the circular arguments and minimize conflict.

What do you think you would like to see if this relationship were to move forward?    What would you like to see happen today to make your life and your relationship more satisfying to you?

Glad you are with us and hope this helps.

'ducks