Still taking action...it's a process

[allienoah]

So after following ff's advice at dinner, leaving it on the floor and going on my way... .
A conversation last night-I chose to not see him, taking my time to think about my situation at the moment.
He mentioned again his need for me to make him a priority. Well that opened my floodgates. I very calmly stated what I needed from him. No more public humiliation, no more comments about my family, no more making every little incident like a huge tragedy. Respect for my property, my feelings and my opinions and decisions. Again I was very calm during this but I made it clear that I have had enough.
Truthfully, he was very humbled and cried, saying he didn't want to be that person. I believe that he doesn't WANT to feel as he does, but the reality is that HE IS BORDERLINE.

Truth is he does feel badly because he feels I am pulling away-I am.
But just this morning, he is already saying he has a "right" to feel as he does-agreed, but he doesn't have a right to rage at me. I clearly told him that when he goes on and I ask him to stop, I will ask 3 times, and if he doesn't stop I am off the phone. He went on and I did it.

Now he is sending me pictures of the nice times we had together. I know exactly what he is doing, but I am not going backwards. He told me I am not to go to visit my gf and go to a ball game in her state. I would be gone 24 hours. He said he is still "devastated" that I had gone away 2 months ago with her. Although that is a very dramatic term, I have come to understand that as he is pwBPD, he IS devastated. He states that I haven't earned the privilege of going anywhere with her yet. As if! See this is ridiculous. I am not 5. I don't need this sort of punishment or such. So again, I calmly told him I am aware of his feelings about it but I am a grown woman who can make her own decisions. I am going.

The reason I say all this is that I am finding even when I think I am getting through to him, or making progress it really still is the same old thing. And it is exhausting.
I have to say, that when I told him everything yesterday it was like a huge boulder was lifted off my shoulders.

[formflier]

 If it ever comes up again ... .I would ask him to help me understand how I "earn" the right to do things.

Few questions.

Has he been diagnosed?

Ever in treatment or therapy?

Has he ever apologized for things?

My gut is telling me he gets that he has made a booboo and doesn't understand how to correct it.

FF

[BeagleGirl]

Allienoah,
    You seem to be making a lot of progress in understanding and coming to grips with what is really going on in your relationship.  As I've read through your posts from the past few weeks I have seen your attitude shift to a position of honesty and empowerment.  I just want you to know it has been very inspiring.

    I definitely know what you are talking about when you say that when you think you are getting through to him or making progress it is still the "same thing".  I started feeling that way over a year ago and eventually started doing something that I called "poking holes to see what comes out".  It's something that I am conflicted about but my T says I shouldn't feel guilty for.  When we got to a point where it seemed like I had "gotten through" and we were on the same page, I would shift the subject to some behavior that I felt was unacceptable and he felt justified in.  In some cases these were things that I had "gotten through" on before and he had apologized for.  In your relationship, the "poking holes" would be something like bringing up the basement video to get his stance on it.  Almost 100% of the time he would lead off with the same sort of justification, minimization, etc that he had exhibited before.  That was a clear indication to me that no actual change had occurred and I would "go back in my castle".  In my mind, if you are still justifying something you did that hurt me your apology does not indicate that it won't happen again.  

    I have a few questions for you that I'm asking myself:
-What would real change look like?  The kind of change that would make you feel like trust could be rebuilt?
-How long would you need to see the sustained/progressing change before you felt it was real?
-How frequently do you want to "peak over the castle walls" to see if there is change?
-How long do you want to stay cooped up in your castle?

    That last one is a hard one.  :)on't get me wrong.  The castle can be very comfy and full of other people you love (your kids, friends, family), but when you long for a mate to share the castle with and are instead besieged by someone you don't trust, it can start to feel like a prison.  

[allienoah]

Well in terms of how I "earn" things, he feels when he sufficiently feels that I am putting him first in everything, and can continue to do so, THEN I get to go out and play. He said when we can put together at least a few weeks without incident, he'll feel better. We haven't even been able to put together days.

He has never been diagnosed to my knowledge. He has been in DBT with his family-for his youngest daughter who was cutting- and he was in family T and individual T for a bit. The only thing he seems to have gotten from his own T is that he has a "right" to feel as he does. OK. We all know that. He apologizes occasionally after things have gotten so overblown that I am securely behind the castle walls and WILL NOT come out.

thank you for that Beaglegirl-I am really trying to get through all this. I have actually used the "poking holes" method. He is not going to change. I am sure he is sorry in the moment he tells me he is, but that goes away when he allows his "hurt" feelings and "devastation" back into the picture.
So real change would look like him letting me decide my  activities for myself without accusing me of "forgetting" about him. Give me room to breathe.
I wouldn't think it was real until it happened for at least a few months. I have no problem peeking over the castle walls knowing that I can be secure behind them now-not crying out to have him with me.
And honestly I don't plan on being cooped up here forever. My patience is going to run out. It already is in so many ways. I still love him but he is becoming less and less attractive to me as this goes on.