moving out into a one room apartment, some concerns how to deal with this

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

There has been made available to me a studio apartment, signing lease tomorrow. I do not have to pay for this place. A gesture from a family member.

Moving out has been okayed by my lawyer I told him (them, I have two working together) that I am not concerned about keeping the house. I want to move on from it.

I was advised by a lawyer (not mine) that I should not let my wife know where I am moving to. Also if she finds out where I am living that I should not allow her into my apartment. I think both are provoking moves. Maybe let her know that my lawyer advised me that by moving out that I should not, at least until the divorce is final, have you come to my place. I will just say I am doing what my lawyer is telling me. If I knew I did not have to go back to the house for anything this would not be an issue.

I have not asked my lawyers opinion on this yet. I have not told my wife I am moving out. I will let her know after I sign the lease and all is ready to move in.

I personally do not care if she knows where I live. IMO trying to keep it a secret from her will probably cause me more grief because I still have to go back to the house and cut the grass and do some maintenance things. I am still paying the mortgage and utilities. Also she already "thinks" I have a girlfriend. some of my discovery questions I have to answer is about being with another woman and also I have to produce phone records and text records 4 months back.

I am not sure how to predict her response when I tell her I am moving

The great thing about this place is that it is 1.5 miles from where I work. I have driven 45 minutes to work for 20 years. I will not know how to act.

what are some thought on this?

mediation is not until sept 19... .which will probably not happen because she has no money to pay attorneys and we have stated we will not pay her attorney fee or mediation fees. Part of the divorce complaint was she wanted me to pay her attorney fees and we are stating that we are not doing so.

If this goes to court we will not get a court date until November. I have already given her an offer but she has refused it.

[byfaith]

There has been made available to me a studio apartment, signing lease tomorrow. I do not have to pay for this place. A gesture from a family member.

Moving out has been okayed by my lawyer I told him (them, I have two working together) that I am not concerned about keeping the house. I want to move on from it.

I was advised by a lawyer (not mine) that I should not let my wife know where I am moving to. Also if she finds out where I am living that I should not allow her into my apartment. I think both are provoking moves. Maybe let her know that my lawyer advised me that by moving out that I should not, at least until the divorce is final, have you come to my place. I will just say I am doing what my lawyer is telling me. If I knew I did not have to go back to the house for anything this would not be an issue.

I have not asked my lawyers opinion on this yet. I have not told my wife I am moving out. I will let her know after I sign the lease and all is ready to move in.

I personally do not care if she knows where I live. IMO trying to keep it a secret from her will probably cause me more grief because I still have to go back to the house and cut the grass and do some maintenance things. I am still paying the mortgage and utilities. Also she already "thinks" I have a girlfriend. some of my discovery questions I have to answer is about being with another woman and also I have to produce phone records and text records 4 months back.

I am not sure how to predict her response when I tell her I am moving

The great thing about this place is that it is 1.5 miles from where I work. I have driven 45 minutes to work for 20 years. I will not know how to act.

what are some thought on this?

mediation is not until sept 19... .which will probably not happen because she has no money to pay attorneys and we have stated we will not pay her attorney fee or mediation fees. Part of the divorce complaint was she wanted me to pay her attorney fees and we are stating that we are not doing so.

If this goes to court we will not get a court date until November. I have already given her an offer but she has refused it.

[Thunderstruck]

Since you have no kids involved then she does not need to know where you live however it may be easier (and give her less to complain about to the court) if you are transparent. If you don't tell her then she might resort to online snooping (there is a lot of personal info out there on the net) or following you home. You may need to update your address with the court and your drivers license so she may find out anyway.

If she shows up I absolutely would not let her in. I would ask her to leave through the closed door. If she does not then I would call the police and have them ask her to leave. If she shows up a second time she could be arrested for trespassing.

[flourdust]

I agree with Thunderstruck. Part of the mental adjustment you'll make it to stop worrying about things like "provoking moves" and "walking on eggshells" UNLESS they are strategically useful to you in the divorce case. You get to be you.

[SES]

If I didn't have kids I would have moved out sooner.  The first place I moved to was a hotel, then a one room flat. It didn't take me long to feel happier being away from the stress and chaos.

[formflier]

Here is my take.  Send her certified return receipt letter stating where you live and where you can get mail.  They may or may not be same place.

Also state that you do not wish her to visit in person and she may use the mail to contact you.
State that you desire quiet enjoyment of your new property, which you were not able to have because of her and her son, at the previous property.


State that if she her son or any of her "agents" come to your property it will be considered trespassing.

Lawyer will help you tweak your language for your state.  That would work in my state even if the property is NOT posted.

Generally you have the reponsibilty of letting some know you don't want them there if you are NOT going to post your property.

This means that first visit from her you call police and take out trespassing charges.



FF

[Radcliff]

Hello byfaith,

I'm not sure if you have told her yet, and I don't know if you are worried that she will trash your stuff, but before you tell her seems like an ideal opportunity to subtly move out any critical possessions you have and stash them at the new place (sentimental or necessary to function like a few sets of work clothes).

[HopefulDad]

I agree with Thunderstruck. Part of the mental adjustment you'll make it to stop worrying about things like "provoking moves" and "walking on eggshells" UNLESS they are strategically useful to you in the divorce case. You get to be you.

I third Thunderstruck's post.  If she shows up acting like a jackhole, call the cops.  Try not to live in fear.  It's actually quite liberating telling your ex, "I'm moving out" and knowing that when they blow up over it, you get to go home to some new peace-and-quiet.

To the OP: She'll probably find out anyway through updated court records and the like.  If the OP doesn't care about the ex knowing or not, then let her know.

[ForeverDad]

My county court has a relocation notice, likely yours does too.  Fill it out and check the box for them to notify her.  Yes, you'll probably have to tell her when you're about to move, but it would be wise to have another person (relative or trusted friend) with you so you're not alone with her since notifying and later actual moving is likely to trigger her.  If it gets really tense you can ask an officer to be present to avoid an incident.

Not letting her into your new apartment and not loaning her keys is a Boundary.  We encourage healthy boundaries, especially so at first, and this is one of them.

[Grey Kitty]

I don't think keeping your address hidden from her will be very useful, and you may not be able to accomplish it anyways.

I think the boundary of not letting her have any access to your apartment is an excellent one. Stick with it.

If you want to move out without telling her until you are gone to prevent conflict while you are moving out, I think this is a reasonable approach. If you do attempt this, obviously, get moved before you tell her that you are moving and where!

And lastly, yes, moving out is provocative. You are doing it for your own benefit, not to provoke her, it is just an unavoidable consequence. Don't walk on eggshells aboutit.