DHS update not good.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Our son contacted DHS in Salem about his appeal on Monday 7/24/17. They returned his call on 7/25, stating that decision had been made in May. The Ombudsman said a registered letter was sent to our son and another to the local DHS office at the same time. Funny, he never did get a letter and DHS in his city did not tell him Salem had made the final decision on his appeal.

It is with a heavy heart that I tell you all that he was found GUILTY.  Guilty of mental anguish of his 11yoSD. Doesn't sound like a big deal until you find out that he is now on a state registry for "child abuse" which means as a nurse he can lose his job and nursing license. He can have difficulty getting another job, he can never be a foster parent nor can her ever adopt a child. The Ombudsman told him they based their decision on his SD and the counselors chart notes, the chart notes the counselor wrote about our son without ever meeting him. The investigation that was done on the 7th allegation was one sided... .meaning they interviewed no one on our sons side. The Ombudsman read our son the letter he did not receive, our son said he doubts they even read any thing that we wrote. I was there the day of our SGD visit, and that visit was taped by a security camera. Our son did not scream, yell or drag her down the hall as she said happened that day. We have proof of that. DHS didn't care, nor did Salems DHS care. We wrote everything out with timelines and I even had to do a sworn affidavit twice. Everything our son and I and his character witnesses said was true.  I am devastated beyond believe, my faith is shaken to its core. There is nothing else that can be done, as that is the final decision.

So now when he goes to court in Oct for his divorce/ custody trial he will most likely not even get 50 50 custody, because all the attorneys have to say is "your honor, he was found guilty of this with his step daughter, he will most likely do that to his 6yo son".  He loses everything because someone he chose to marry is crazy and evil  I so wish every person on this site who doesn't have children  but seems to be so in love they can't stand the thought of not being with their undiagnosed or diagnosed BPD spouse would read this... .run, run... .before they destroy you, because they will.  The thoughts that run across my mind run the gambit of emotions... .we were honest, did nothing revengeful, we had integrity, I went and spoke to every person I could think of... .all for nothing. Our sons character is ruined, his crazy wife is still spreading these lies about him and people believe her.   People wonder why others go postal... .this is one of the reasons.  I am not sure I will post here anymore. I am hopeless and lost.  There is no justice.

[Panshekay]

Our son contacted DHS in Salem about his appeal on Monday 7/24/17. They returned his call on 7/25, stating that decision had been made in May. The Ombudsman said a registered letter was sent to our son and another to the local DHS office at the same time. Funny, he never did get a letter and DHS in his city did not tell him Salem had made the final decision on his appeal.

It is with a heavy heart that I tell you all that he was found GUILTY.  Guilty of mental anguish of his 11yoSD. Doesn't sound like a big deal until you find out that he is now on a state registry for "child abuse" which means as a nurse he can lose his job and nursing license. He can have difficulty getting another job, he can never be a foster parent nor can her ever adopt a child. The Ombudsman told him they based their decision on his SD and the counselors chart notes, the chart notes the counselor wrote about our son without ever meeting him. The investigation that was done on the 7th allegation was one sided... .meaning they interviewed no one on our sons side. The Ombudsman read our son the letter he did not receive, our son said he doubts they even read any thing that we wrote. I was there the day of our SGD visit, and that visit was taped by a security camera. Our son did not scream, yell or drag her down the hall as she said happened that day. We have proof of that. DHS didn't care, nor did Salems DHS care. We wrote everything out with timelines and I even had to do a sworn affidavit twice. Everything our son and I and his character witnesses said was true.  I am devastated beyond believe, my faith is shaken to its core. There is nothing else that can be done, as that is the final decision.

So now when he goes to court in Oct for his divorce/ custody trial he will most likely not even get 50 50 custody, because all the attorneys have to say is "your honor, he was found guilty of this with his step daughter, he will most likely do that to his 6yo son".  He loses everything because someone he chose to marry is crazy and evil  I so wish every person on this site who doesn't have children  but seems to be so in love they can't stand the thought of not being with their undiagnosed or diagnosed BPD spouse would read this... .run, run... .before they destroy you, because they will.  The thoughts that run across my mind run the gambit of emotions... .we were honest, did nothing revengeful, we had integrity, I went and spoke to every person I could think of... .all for nothing. Our sons character is ruined, his crazy wife is still spreading these lies about him and people believe her.   People wonder why others go postal... .this is one of the reasons.  I am not sure I will post here anymore. I am hopeless and lost.  There is no justice.

[SES]

It must be incredibly stressful and upsetting for you and your son. Can he challenge it legally? From experience, CPS can be gender biased and dishonest.

[Panshekay]

SES, it's funny that you responded... .I had just read your story on another post last night, you have been through a lot, much worse than our son... .your post actually gave me hope, you have come through the other side, even though it's never over... . We must have a lot of people praying for us, that's the only way I can explain my feelings that it's all going to be ok.

All he can do is sue DHS... .his divorce attorney gave him the name of an attorney who has successfully done this. Even though it will cost 10's of thousands of dollars I guess that's what he is going to do. As a parent my heart is broken, I thought I would be able to somehow make everyone see the fantastic young man he is and a miracle would happen and they would find him innocent. To put hours, weeks and months into documenting, writing letters and reaching out to every possible person I can think of and find DHS in Salem had made their decision almost 2 months ago but we weren't even told was a slap in the face, I felt like I was shot in the heart. Although there are those who do see he is innocent,  we may have a few in DHS and the CASA gal who may be able to make a difference. My whole thing is "Rise", let's hold the people who are deciding our children's future are held accountable... .DHS is wrong, and from everything I read this seems to happen more often than not. Thanks for reaching out SES, it means a lot to me. Blessings to you.

[Thunderstruck]

Can you make a fuss of it with the local news? This definitely isn't right. She keeps throwing accusations just to see what one will stick. You'd think after all of these have been shown to be untrue they would know that she's full of poop.

[Panda39]

Wow... .  ... .this is tough news.  I'm glad he and you have not given up

Can your son's side of things at least be told during the divorce hearing or does it just become a slam dunk because DHS says it's so?  Are you able to get access to DHS's information on your son, to see what their rational was? I'd be interested to hear how the meeting with this new attorney goes.

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts.
Panda39

[Panshekay]

Thank you Thunderstruck and Panda39. I'm not sure about anything right now. We do have our sGD CASA woman  who is on our sons side now after meeting him. I am putting a lot of faith and hope that she will step up and put it in writing and say in court that the kids are being coached. She told me after meeting with my DIL the first time she did not want to meet our son at all, she was scared to. She said our DIL is very convincing. She is also willing to be a character witness for our son which sounds huge but when you really look at it... .it's up to the judge with the divorce and custody case. I always think, do they really listen, or are their minds already made up?  Are they having a bad day, so they really don't pay attention?  A lot rides on information that is not correct that our son has appealed to correct. What I have learned is everything is based on the counselors incorrect chart notes and our sgd.  the CASA lady has said our sgd is too far in with her mother to tell the truth now.  It's in Gods hands. I have done everything I can think of. If it still is a mess after the divorce I will reach out again to the Dr Phil show since they were interested in us at one time but our sons attorney said no. Thank you all for your thoughts and for caring. You save me each time I get so low and hopeless. You all are an amazing group of people. God Bless.

[SES]

Like Panda39 said... .you are in our thoughts. I feel for your son, we share the same profession and he has been through a lot.

Things are better for me, but I realise that I have more to come... .after all, past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour.

[takingandsending]

Hi Panshekay. I am really sorry to hear about the ruling and understand how heartbroken you feel.

I have been reading this article about high conflict divorce and came across these words. It just is all too common for courts, social services and even mental health professionals to get fooled by the persuasive blaming, high conflict personality because they will lie with impunity. The whole article is here. I would share this with your son as perhaps he can share it with people involved in his case and use these talking points. I am at the pointed end of blame from my xw, but she may not be high conflict, as (so far) she hasn't sought to be punitive and lie outright. She does love the attention of the divorce team on her, is the perpetual victim and refuses to self reflect her behavior in the continuation of the divorce v. resolution of dispute. Our divorce case is so simple, it could quickly be resolved, but we are going on 8 months simply due to her inability to compromise on anything.

https://www.gbfamilylaw.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Beth-High-Conflict-Family-Law-Matters.pdf


"The adversarial nature of the court process attracts individuals with high conflict personalities because they want their day in court. The party with a high conflict personality is highly skilled at and invested in the adversarial process. They see the judge as fulfilling the role of the all-powerful person who will punish or control the other spouse for them. They often perceive that the focus of the court process is to fix blame, and the high conflict person will use or attempt to use their attorney to champion their cause.

The high conflict person will also attempt to manipulate the mental health professionals involved in the case to believe their story and make
recommendations that the high conflict party perceives as punishing the other party. If the high conflict person is successful, the family law court
process can be very unpredictable and inadvertently encourage false allegations, aggressive (and sometimes violent) behavior, and intense blaming of the parent that does not have a high conflict personality. Ironically, because the issues of the individual with the high conflict personality are internal, these issues will never be resolved in court.

HIGH CONFLICT PERSONALITIES AND/OR CLUSTER B PERSONALITY DISORDERS.
Cluster B Personality Disorder + Persuasive Blamer = High Conflict Personality.
Not every high conflict person has a personality disorder and not every person with a personality disorder has a high conflict personality disorder. Only those individuals that have both a personality disorder and are a “persuasive blamer” also have a high conflict personality. Eddy describes a “persuasive blamer” as being able to “persuade others that their internal problems are external, caused by something else or someone else. Once others are persuaded to get the problem backwards, the dispute escalates into a long-term, high conflict situation - one that few people other than persuasive blamers can tolerate.”

[Panshekay]

Thank you SES," past behavior predicts future behavior unless there is a change"  is one of my favorite quotes.  It's comforting to know you are in the same profession as our Son.  Most, but not all I realize go into nursing because they are passionate caring people... .which our Son is.  I feel these types of people are "ripe for the picking" for a BPD or PD.  Our Son started to lose his hair at the age of 17, on top of being a red head. I remember the first thing he said to me when they met, he was 25  "mom, she loves the fact that I am bald, she thinks being bald is sexy". She love bombed him and became everything he ever wanted. As heartbreaking and devastating as this has been I have seen so much growth in him. He is not the man she first married.  He is so much wiser... .
Thank you Takingandsending, I will pass this information on to our son.  We follow Dr Childress's site, he has been very helpful as well.  Thank you all for your responses, you have all made me feel so much better... .you have given me hope once again... .we just keep fighting the good fight,  because that is what we do for our children and grandchildren. Blessings.

[Panda39]

It's comforting to know you are in the same profession as our Son. 

I've worked in the Human Resources Department of a hospital for almost 17 years... .And know just a few nurses  Yes, Nurses are caring, and fixers but I would add, smart, and fighters and tough, they see (and smell  ), and deal with things that I couldn't imagine having to deal with.

Your son's ex may have taken advantage of his caring/fixer side but she hasn't realized what she's up against when those traits plus all the rest are combined with the loving/protective dad.

When it comes to our kids we don't give up... .you haven't given up on your son and he hasn't given up on his. It's what we do as parents, it's as simple and as complicated at that.

Panda39


 

[SES]

I agree with Panda39. He has managed to get this far, which has required a lot of strength and determination. He does a difficult and stressful job, is a single Dad, and is coping with a very messy separation. There is more to come, but he is a fighter.  

My own situation came at huge personal and professional cost... .she made false allegations about me at work on top of false allegations to the police and CPS. I will admit that life was not good. But a close friend noted that my ex hasn't realised that when the pressure is on I fight.  In the midst of all the chaos I even managed to get a really huge promotion (it was not my intention, but it made her pretty angry).

I know two other nurses who experienced the same... .plus a hospital manager... .plus a very experienced psychotherapist. This, plus this this website, makes me realise we are not alone.

You and your son are fighters.  Keep going.  

[Panshekay]

Panda39, well said... .I   what you said. I, as you know am in the medical field as well... .have worked as an office nurse and yes, nurses are strong people. Our son always was gentle spirited. He was a complete and total joy to raise. He still is a delight, smart, kind, funny, loyal to a fault,  giving and a dedicated father. Our first child, a girl, takes only so much before she says "oh no you don't".  Our last child a boy doesn't take any crap EVER.  I often wonder what the outcome would have been if he wouldn't have been the kind nurturer. Maybe that's the part that hurts so much... .knowing he was the caring dedicated parent the "mother polar bear" is what I have always called him. Haha. But that seems to be the case in many of the stories I read here... .it's an interesting study until it's happening to your own family. But maybe this is what it's all about, people reaching out, down, up and over to help others. It certainly has made me a different person. I look at things much differently now.  I truly try not to judge anyone here although I must admit I do want to say "run... .run away as fast as you can before you have children together, save yourself and please save your children by not having any with this person". It's all lessons learned, reaching out and helping others.   Thank you all for saving me.

[Panda39]

... .I do want to say "run... .run away as fast as you can before you have children together, save yourself and please save your children by not having any with this person"... .

I'm with you, I don't frequent the "staying" board because I have the same urge, but as someone who was codependent (married 20 years to an alcoholic) I recognize that people have to figure it out on their own. 

[Panshekay]

Thank you SES... .I know it sounds horrible but I do get a lot of comfort from hearing other professional people are going through the same things. I Always feel so bad for the parents who don't have enough income to be able to get a good attorney, or an attorney period... .they are stuck and unfairly so.  Our son works with a MSW who is going through the same thing and a fellow nurse, also the doctor he worked for was married to someone with BPD when he was younger.  They have been a huge support, especially the doctor who is now retired. He even offered to go talk to DHS, as well as be a character witness. One of the nurses he works with got a custody evaluator who had no problem saying his kids were being alienated from him... .his story is horrifying... .BUT felt the kids should stay with their mother as she was a stay at home mom... .what professional person that you are paying $10,000.00 for says that?  He actually went back to his wife because he missed his kids, and do you know what happened?  Yep she got pregnant... .but he couldn't stand it so left again after a year. Thats a sad story. 
Panda39, you are so right when you said everyone has their own journey... .they do, I can see our son in some of those stories 5 years ago. I am very thankful he got out, but it hasnt been easy as you all know.  Thank you both for your support, it's huge. Yes, we are fighters all of us.  I'm not sure if DHS realizes that yet. I keep telling them I'm not going to shut up... .13 allegations?  Get a clue! 

[Panshekay]

Just a little update... .now our S divorce/custody trial is set for APRIL 19th and 20th... .so basically that is 8.5 months for his uBPDW to make more false allegations. What's funny is DHS was on our son to hurry and get the divorce... .but it was because of them that it was postponed. Ahhhh... .the wheels of Justice, do they really ever turn?  Now our S gets to find an attorney so he can sue DHS... .yep, that's his only recourse.  More time and money with no guarantees. This is what our lives have become.

[SES]

 My thoughts are with you.

CPS closed the last set of allegations about me, but wrote a report that states I am homicidal, suicidal, that my employer is concerned about my mental state, and that my employer has asked me to take time off work due to their concerns about my mental state. This has been sent to the school, my family doctor, and to a service that I have professional responsibility for at work. None of it is true. No shred of evidence... .except my wife's false allegations.  On the other hand, they fail to mention she has a DV police caution, that she was under the care of mental health services, and she had to take time off work due to concerns regarding her mental state. Trying to address it is a nightmare, and might end up with me instructing lawyers.  CPS response to first complaint was to lie... .their response to second complaint was to make false allegations of impropriety.  You can't make it up.

I don't think there is justice.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Panshekay!  My goodness, what a terrible series of events.  I'm going to talk as a non-polically correct guy here for a minute and say that when used wrongly, the legal, and especially family court system, can be abused, against men especially.  There are few cops and judges that won't believe a crying woman (especially the emotionally persuasive blamer), and a mom at that.  Stories like yours scare me into staying married - and keeping my spirits down.   At least for a while.
The story goes that  guy should get his angry woman on the record as soon as possible.  Because the story will change from "he hurt my feelings," to "he hit me," to "he touches kids in the private areas."  The public will happily agree to believing anything a man is accused of - maybe more so the more depraved it sounds. And the damage is hard to fix if ever. 
I am so sorry you have to put up with this.  I know it's sometimes hard to believe in the court system actually working towards justice, and I'm not sure if your faith in a higher being will give you patience to hope for eventual justice.  But, I hope that the truth prevails in this case.  And soon. 
So sorry.

[Panshekay]

Thank you SES and SamwizeGamgee... .the support I get from this site is life saving. Currently I'm trying the  "Be still and know that I am God"  I am so exhausted. SES, sad to say that you do totally understand.  You have also been through horrifying experiences as well.  SamwizeGamgee, I totally understand your reasoning for staying, our son tried to do that as well but one the cheating began he just couldn't take it. I hear and read so many stories like our own and I am appalled at how many people are going through this. We follow Dr Childress, and I know he has been trying to change how this is looked at by professionals for a long long time. I can even find stuff on PA from 30 years ago... .and yet it's getting worse and worse. When I see dads who are committing suicide over this it's heartbreaking.  I'm not sure what to do any more. Thank you all for your continued support.