I'm losing it Help

[damenlost]

Hello everyone

I'm in BPD hell and I really believe I'm losing it! I was thrown out of our home of five years together when my BPD told me that she had broken into my computer to discover conversations that I had with someone. I'm not proud of it and as previously posted in the end it was absolutely meaningless to me. I regretted it and still do to this moment. Fast forward a couple of months to today and for various legal reasons that isn't pertinent to this discussion anytime that I need access to my former home I need to call the police to perform a keep the peace serice as they do. Today I visited my home with the police to retrieve my personal items. As is customary I'm suppose to communicate with my BPD that I intend to visit. For some reason my gut told me not to do so. Upon arriving with the police a STRANGE MAN answered the door to both his and my BPD shock and surprise. I had to muster every fiber of self control that I could muster to not cause a scene and likely get into legal trouble myself. What is bothering me the most is that through a bit of internet detective work I was able to figure out the identity of the STRANGE MAN. What's worse is that I discovered that he is involved with the computer security business which by extension can only explain how my low functioning BPD was able to break into my computer in the first place! I'M SO ANGRY that I'm having difficulty holding it together. It's completely obvious to me that my BPD must have had a relationship with the STRANGE MAN well before a few weeks ago when she had a epic meltdown and threw me out! What have I done to be treated like complete trash, a five year relationship that I gave blood to maintain is dismissed in a snap of a finger. When I saw her today there was nothing but loathing in her eyes- likely since I caught her in in the very charade that she points to as the rationale to the end of our relationship. My entire circle of family and friends say that I could be more fortunate to be out of her daily orbit. My heat is broken into so many pieces I've lost count. Am I that worthless a human being to be treated this way? I love my BPD with every fiber of my being. I'm trying to rationalize if it was really me that sabotaged the relationship of was my BPD just tired of me and needing to move on to a new partner and the infatuation stage? I don't think I can say anymore- I'm exhausted from the toll from today's events. HELP!

[See Rainbows]

Hi Damen,

That sounds like a tough situation to be in. I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been through similar traumatic situations with my exBPD. It may be hard to see right now, but this may be for the best. It's time to take care of you.
My exBPD says I will never understand him, and I finally think he's right. No matter how hard we try to understand them, we may never know why they do the things they do. Often, it's more than one reason why the relationship broke down.

It sounds like you're doing the right things to pick up the pieces and move forward. Just stay strong and read some of the articles on this site to help with more insight into BPD behavior. Try to take it a day at a time and spend time on treating yourself good now.